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Lowcountry Lowlifes
Maybe the greatest mediocre podcast you've never heard. Listen to comedian Josh Bates and Dan Sweeney talk about something and nothing all at once. Insightful? Maybe. Entertaining? Kinda. A waste of your time? Absolutely. Oh....and Dan quit the show
Lowcountry Lowlifes
Chumbawumba and Death
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Josh and Dan meander and try to find the glory again.
Life, Death, and Literature
Speaker 1all right , hey , all right kids hey , how's it going hey , it's josh bates and dan sweeney . Welcome to low country , low lives . That's it .
Speaker 2That's the intro now I was born by the river dude , you gotta , you , gotta roll in a little tent .
Speaker 1Yeah , you gotta roll a zen there , I do I semper paratus brother .
Speaker 2You always got to be prepared , and there's a great zen shortage going on right now in this country . Like what ? There's a shortage of these .
Speaker 1These are this is a rare commodity right now really yeah , or is that like what the gun people do where they're like they're gonna come after your guns ?
Speaker 2yeah , people just go buy more guns yeah , every time there's a mass shooting , smith and wesson's like yes , perfect , yes , come did you so , speaking of that ? Yeah abortions .
Speaker 1So abortions in uh this last year went up . There was more abortions than there was previously in , like the last 10 years . So they were restricting abortions but more happening more have happened .
Speaker 2That's . It's just like the dare program the more you say don't do a thing or this is a bad thing , more people are going to do it . Do you think some of those abortions had to have just been like , ah , fuck you , I'm getting one . To have just been like fuck you , I'm getting one .
Speaker 1You know like , just like revenge , abortion , less than 1% .
Speaker 2Less than 1 ? Yeah , but a percent .
Speaker 1You know as a man .
Speaker 2As a man , I know that's had a child now , yeah .
Speaker 1Like it's not a eh , fuck it you know . No , I don't think that it's very uncommon .
Speaker 2Republicans want you to think we're out there having what do they call it post-term abortions late term abortions ones that are like post-term yeah , like the babies , yeah , comes out natural birth yeah , the republicans want you to know the truth and we're here to tell you . It's happening and it's bad folks . That's our new podcast post-term abortions .
Speaker 1Yeah , they tried to abort a kid . He was 12 years old . You know when we like aborting people when they're 28 and they're handicapped , and we'll fucking send them to electric chair here in texas amen brother yeah , isn't that weird , like the same state that will put a handicapped person to death yeah , yeah , it's biblical .
Speaker 2Yeah , you don't . You don't kill the person before you . Let them live a life to have a reason to stone them to death .
Speaker 1Yeah , you know what they love doing in the Old Testament Stoning people dude .
Speaker 2Oh , who doesn't love a good stoning ?
Speaker 1Good stoning you know , maybe that's what's wrong with us . Maybe we need , like the short story , the lottery .
Speaker 2Yeah , no .
Speaker 1Oh , it's a very good story Back in day . Basically , they do something and then they stone someone in the in the . You know , in the village it's called the lottery . Yeah , the lottery . They do a lottery every year oh , to see who gets stoned stoned to death oh , because of scarce resources , or no ? I think I don't know bored they need something .
Speaker 2Yeah , this village is too peaceful .
Speaker 1A little like mysticism . Ah , like we gotta we gotta pick something .
Speaker 2The fate has fate has to pick someone . Yeah , in order for us to have a good harvest in school really yeah , the lottery the lottery short story like 20 pages there's a lot of things I didn't read in school that I wish , uh , I'd read really old man in the sea is one of them . I just kind of perused it . I didn't really dive into the kidding . Yes , walt whitman , great author , uh sylvia plath dude but yeah , I'll check that out . The uh , the lottery , yeah , another good one on the beach the beach , on the beach , on the beach .
Speaker 1Oh , it's uh , leonardo di caprio , oh , post-apocalyptic yeah , the whole world gets nuked yeah russia and us nuke each other and everyone's dead the entire planet except for australia , and the scientists say they have like 13 months to live , oh , and so everyone's just robbing banks , like why would you rob a bank just with people 13 months , 13 months ? And so the whole thing's about everyone knowing what that mortality is like , when you know when you're gonna die yeah so some people commit suicide , some people just have a normal life . Yeah , they don't want anything to change . Yeah , very good book . Read it , and read it in school .
Speaker 2You had a dark reading list in school , yeah , dude , we were reading good shit , we were in eighth grade . Oh , that's a coming of age time . Yeah , that's when things are happening . Lord of the lord of the flies , lord of the flies , the great one , yeah , rip piggy . Yeah , good old piggy . That fat bastard deserved it . Those glasses man . Yeah , well , he deserved it . I mean , he's the weak , he's the weak one . Well , you know , he's the weak , fat one represented democracy really democracy doesn't work . Democracy is weak and fat wasn't he , uh , william goldman ?
Speaker 1I think he . I think he was redlisted , blacklisted .
Speaker 2Blacklisted , I think , yeah , yeah , because of his communist ties . Yeah , there are Trumbo Dalton , trumbo too . Yeah , fine screenwriter .
Speaker 1Yeah , and then he would . I have a picture of him on my arm , he would On my leg Trumbo . Yeah , Trumbo .
Speaker 2Oh there , yes , well , he played him once . That was his pen name heisenberg . Well , he played him in a movie he did . Yeah , uh , I always wanted to do this bit . What bits you want to do ? Going back to your apocalypse thing , how you know how there's these sayings like live each day like it's your last yeah that's absolute chaos . That's total .
Speaker 1That's the apocalypse , yeah if , if you want me to really live like it's my last day , it's not gonna be pretty . I'm fucking your mom . Yeah , okay , I mean all Mine .
Speaker 2Yeah , your mom , why not it's ?
Speaker 1the last day , like , if she's around , I'm fucking her .
Speaker 2You know what I mean ? Yeah , okay , is she consenting ? Does it matter ? You know what ? I guess not .
Speaker 1No , I mean it does to me . Is it just my last day , or is it everyone's last day ? It's live each day like it's your last . Like it's my last . No , there'd be a lot of questions . Yeah , I really care about you , need it to be everybody's last , yeah , in order to really go through with the whole .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1Because I want to leave A legacy , not a legacy . I want to leave a good impression on this planet .
Speaker 2Yeah , how do you think you're doing so far ?
Speaker 1I think All right , all right yeah .
Speaker 2I mean .
Speaker 1I'd agree Soldier , you know , not a soldier , but an airman . Uh , you know , kids have three children and now I got this place .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1Uh , you know , I got some published works out there , d you know so far , okay , but I want to . I want to be more than a blurb in the paper .
Speaker 2Yeah , You're a paragraph I want to .
Speaker 1I want a big tombstone , big one , yeah , how big . I want people to walk in a graveyard in 50 years .
Speaker 2They have to drive around it .
Speaker 1No , just be like oh , this guy must've been something . He's heir to fertilizer company . He's very important .
Speaker 2He must be an important man . He's very important .
Speaker 1Yeah , I want that .
Speaker 2Yeah , I guess that's a good way to it's very ego . But yeah , no , that's a good thing .
Speaker 1Yeah , I mean , I don't know if it's like an ego thing , but Like I don't know . I just want to be remembered . Is that ? I don't know ? That's not bad right no , it is .
Speaker 2Is it it's very ego vain ?
Speaker 1yes , very much so it's not that like what I've done now it's like what I still have yet to do . Yes , ego , I want , no , I want to leave a print . Yeah , I don't think that's well .
Speaker 2I mean , that is literally , I feel , like the absence of ego is to just descend back into the soil and be worm food yeah that's the ultimate and you're like no I want to .
Speaker 1I don't want to die , you don't .
Speaker 2Oh , that's good , because it looks like you do , josh .
Speaker 1You don't look good , you look terrible you look like death .
Speaker 2You look like a man who's well on his way . No , I , I'm doing great , yeah . No , we were talking about that earlier that the doctor came to you and was like your blood tests look great , yeah , your blood tests are fine . And you were like you sure , you sure about that . Yeah , it beats us too , man , yeah . We thought he's 50% hot dog , but I mean .
Speaker 2I mean , look ever hot dogs could last through uh radiation . Look at you , you're just one big hot dog . Nuke goes off , you're just gonna cook baby , you'll be fine . Yeah , you gotta take care of yourself . You gotta stop these , this elf bar stuff all right , zen master yeah , no , I am a zen master I'm humming right now I don't take no gas station cbd .
Speaker 2I don't trust that stuff . I'm a , I'm a clean man . I'm a clean man of god these days anymore . Huh , no , I actually haven't done cbd in a while . Yeah , well , the cbd . I don't trust that stuff .
Speaker 1I'm a , I'm a clean man , I'm a clean man of god these days anymore .
Speaker 2Huh no , I actually haven't done cbd in a while . Yeah well , the cbd is nice because it like especially like during a show or something like that , the anxiety of being out in a bar atmosphere . Yeah , kind of quell that so I take something .
Speaker 1So , because of my dizziness , I take a thing called propanolol . Yeah , beta blockers , and the beta blocker , they actually give it in small doses for people that have stage fright .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1Because it relaxes , it lowers your heart rate .
Speaker 2I have a prescription for that Because I have an extra beat in my heart . Sometimes my beat goes all .
Existential Reflections on Life and Comedy
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2It's just like you know , yeah , boom , boom , boom boom boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom boom boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , boom perfection I get it .
Speaker 2She's like you should see my husband . He's an ear , nose and throat doctor , but I'm not going to tell you what he did with my throat this is what we've become , dan .
Speaker 1This is it . That's all we were . You were just . We're just jabbing , just trying to find that joke we're .
Speaker 2We're trying to find something that makes it worth doing this . Listening makes it worth living , living .
Speaker 1That's all we're doing . Bench poke you owe me a coke , that's all we're doing . Yeah , no , that's life , baby , isn't that weird ? No , I'm just out trying to find something to do to keep us busy before death brother , you go outside these doors .
Speaker 2Yeah , there's some guy recycling cans looking for his next . Uh , hit a crack . Yeah , it's just . People are on their own adventures , their own journeys , their own little missions , their quests to find fulfillment in this empty whatever vapid planet hurtling through space that's what it's all about .
Speaker 1Yeah , and we think ours is talking through this microphone so that other people you know talking about , like you know , imprinting on earth . Yeah , we still think somehow that our opinions matter enough to where we should put them in this electronic box that sends it out to other people I cannot state this more clearly yeah , my opinions don't matter .
Speaker 2They are based in nothing but my perceptions , however correct or flawed they may be of reality .
Speaker 1You enjoy having other people hear your opinion well , maybe .
Speaker 2Yeah , that's nice , but also it would be nice to not to . It's the weird world we live in , because people can just do whatever . There's people who sell pictures of their feet , people who sell their babies to somebody in I don't know some country , okay , and there's people who show their assholes . There's people who sell hot dogs on a street corner . Yeah , I like doing this because it's better than the alternative , which is working in a wood shop the rest of my life .
Speaker 2That would be nice , but this is far easier in a way yeah , just sitting and hanging out with a good buddy and trying to to get a chuckle trying to get a little chuckle out there it's got a bit too esoteric little . Yeah , it got a bit no high falutin right there I'm sure we'll get back into the dirt I'm so excited for donald trump to be president it's , it's gonna happen .
Speaker 1Yeah , it's , is it guaranteed ?
Speaker 2I think at this no , I don't think we're gonna have an election . What do you mean ? Why ? Because I that's so you think ?
Speaker 1you think they didn't bless you , you think democrats are gonna no , I just their gi joes and go home no , I just don't think that .
Speaker 2I think something's gonna happen . Yeah , that won't allow us to have the election like when you heard it here , who am I ?
Speaker 1it's just an example who am I ? Who am I ? The world economic forum .
Speaker 2You know who am I ? I'm just a carpenter do ? I look like no star fra two to do they're coming out with a no , no , no , no , fra two dude no sferatu he's a scary sketch have you seen the trailer for the new aliens ?
Speaker 1movie no , yeah , it's looking good something you can dip your toe in .
Speaker 2I found like a younger independent , like horror movie guy okay , to be the some guy who's hungry and he's like I'm gonna take this and make it a little like I'm bringing it scary again . That's what I like about horror movies . They're just pure . There's no gimmick message .
Speaker 1They're like no we're just not Everybody's dying , and it's bleak and it's not good .
Speaker 2It's creepy , it's not fun .
Speaker 1They're kind of like horror . This is a good clip . Clip this one motherfucker . This . Clip this one motherfucker . This is good . Yeah , this is funny . I'm listening to you . Oh no , I know I'm trying to gather my thoughts . Horror movies are like open mic comics , like they have a good premise but they don't really have a follow-through . They're like okay I got an idea . Yeah , it's a guy with a fish hook . I'm into it and they're and that's it .
Speaker 1Fish hook , for what a dick uh yeah , for dick , and he fucks 14 year old boys . Oh god , yeah , that's the whole thing . And you're like , well , what's the point ? Like what happens in the movie ? They kill him . He's like the point is we film it and give it to you . Yeah , and it's the same thing with open , open my comics . We're like , hey , this is a funny thing .
Speaker 2I don't have anything to add to it yeah but this is interesting life is just one big premise and you're trying to find the punch dan well , you're in this like , yeah , I got a baby .
Speaker 1This buddha zen thing well , I yeah . That's the beauty of you sound like you're reading out of the art of war right now sun tzu .
Speaker 2Yeah , that's a fine book yeah I drove cross country with that book in my trunk , and then I got to arrest you and then , yeah , well , I got in a , I totaled my car and I got arrested and I never got that book you never got it , it's just in a junkyard somewhere in upstate new york now we should find it , that would be fun oh , that car's a cube .
Speaker 2What a great document . Cars a cube and on a ship on the way to china in obama's second term yeah , probably got recycled into that elf bar right there . You got to stop that . I'm not , and I'm not .
Speaker 1I'm not talking from a preachy place yeah , no , I don't feel that way at all but you like , I don't want .
Speaker 2I want you to be around for a while I know , but this was supposed to be . It's never than cigarettes why , I know , would they ever give you anything ? There's nothing in this world as good as cigarettes except cigarettes weed , no .
Speaker 1Cigarettes are better than cigarettes are way better than weed , I agree because weed you get all like you remember those days , dude , you and I just smoking , just sucking down darts I loved the days of darts .
Speaker 2Days of darts were magical days and I don't you know , I don't think we realized how good they were , what's your favorite one .
Speaker 1Like in a typical day , what was your favorite morning cigarette ?
Speaker 2the morning cigarette morning cigarettes , the best one
Baseball Players and Personal Reflections
Speaker 2we know . A guy he's just in here . He's like I don't smoke until 5 pm . I'm like you're a lunatic .
Speaker 1What are you talking about ? You gotta smoke all day .
Speaker 2You're missing out on like 10 cigarettes . Yeah , when you wake up , way better than 5 o'clock cigarettes , but I could see it's like edging for the addiction , yeah and then you hit it and you're like , like the next cigarette . I smoke . You think you'll smoke again . Oh yeah , it's going to be so good , it's going to be amazing .
Speaker 1It's going to be really great .
Speaker 2My wife and I talk about it . We're like when are we going to start smoking again ? Yeah , you know .
Speaker 1and it's like when the kids are this age like the other person to fall in a way ?
Speaker 2I think in a way , I think it'll be me , you think for sure , like right away . Oh yeah , she'll be like give me one , yeah , give me one , and then we're just gonna have sweaty , smoky , smoky sex , yeah , yeah just yeah , just just squeaks and and coughs . Yeah , yeah , yeah , but I never really got a smoker's cough I , I would get .
Speaker 1I had a wheeze , I'd get the wheeze . I'd be laying in bed and yeah like a squeaky toy and you get the .
Speaker 2You get the little , uh little chest bunnies , the little lung butter . No , you know what ? I get lung butter about once every six months long cookies .
Speaker 1Yeah , where you ?
Speaker 2and then you and it's I .
Speaker 1I called the butter because there's a little those anymore there's a little yellow and stuff .
Speaker 2Yeah , because it's just , it's all emulsifying into your lungs . That that's not , that's vapor . You're just like giving yourself Chinese pneumonia .
Speaker 1Sugar vape .
Speaker 2Yeah , that ain't good for you , man .
Speaker 1No , it's not .
Speaker 2You should really do the Zins .
Speaker 1I mean it's nice , it's better for your lungs Well they did a 60 minutes to this thing years ago about snooze .
Speaker 2Yeah , Uh .
Speaker 1And the tobacco company wanted to really destroy them and wrote all of this really bullshit literature about the dangers of snooze . Yeah , and even in Sweden where , like the health is ridiculous , the health restrictions and codes . Yeah , they're like this is perfectly reasonable .
Speaker 2Yeah , this is fine .
Speaker 1But we have to say it's bad because we don't want people to start it . Yeah , but Once they start , who cares ? But it's not going to kill you , yeah . And but once they start , who cares ? But it's not gonna kill you . Yeah , and what's good for the goose has really pushed hard and saying no , it's just as deadly and it's just as bad .
Speaker 2It's tobacco , isn't it ? But it's like cured differently , or something like that .
Speaker 1Yeah , it's cured differently and then , because it's in your mouth like you do have a higher chance of getting mouth cancer for sure but you're not gonna get lung cancer yeah , tony gwynn , salivary gland cancer , it's fine .
Speaker 2No , he's dead shit . He's very dead shit . Yeah , he just did . I don't think great hitter , great hitter .
Speaker 1Yeah , tony gwynn , yeah , it was uh . They were uh interviewing the great pitcher from uh the braves greg maddox . No , not Maddox .
Speaker 2John Smoltz .
Speaker 1Smoltz . They were interviewing him and he named like six of the best pitchers and he said we all collectively pitched against Tony Gwynn . I can't remember the amount of times . It was like 368 times , three strikeouts . Yeah , that was it Between all of the greatest pitchers of the 90s .
Speaker 2Yeah , and only three times he was struck out by those guys I think he didn't get as much credit because he played for the padres and that's like more or less a minor league team yeah , I guess you could yeah , I mean they are no hate on the padres , but what are you doing ? What are you doing ? You're are you doing ? You're the San Diego Fathers .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2They were monks , right Friars or whatever .
Speaker 1San Diego Friars .
Speaker 2Yeah , you know , I also liked Kirby Puckett . Oh , kirby was the man . He beat the shit out of his wife , though , oh , he was a bad man behind closed doors . Really , everybody loved him because he's like this 5'7" . His name is Kirby . Yeah , he's a little black guy . He's chubby , yeah , but he could run . He was approachable . He was approachable . You're like , this guy might have a disability and he seems friendly . Yeah , but he was a great , great baseball player .
Speaker 1He looked like an ogre . He looked like Black Shrek . No , he looked like a little dough Joey .
Speaker 2Yeah , I wouldn't . Kirby was dead . I'm going to call him a black Shrek . I mean , come on , I take it back . The guy had character , let's put it like that . He had a wonky eye , I think , or something like that . He might be dead too . We'll look it up . Yeah , we got the internet , but I liked him a lot too . And then I always remember in college , sometimes out on Adderall and throw some grizzly wintergreen in my mouth and I just read articles about Kirby Puckett because he had this dark side to him but everybody loved him and like I just found that so interesting because his name was Kirby yeah , I think like a guy doing like shady things .
Speaker 1You get away with all of it when your name is Kirby Puckett well , just imagine like somebody's pleading and they're like Kirby , no you .
Speaker 2I just thought that was you , don't get away , it's bad .
Speaker 1It's not good . You get away with it , though , because , like , if your name's like I don't know , tyrese Smith , why are you picking that name ? Because they're not going to get away with things . Who's they ? Who's Tyrese ? He's a black baseball player .
Speaker 2Oh , tyrell , tyrese oh , first names .
Speaker 1I was like I haven't met many black Flanagans Irish people didn't ? They weren't slaves . I met a black Sweeney . He was Jamaican , so you guys had some .
Speaker 2He's like I'm your brother . Yeah , I was like you are . I was like what did my mom do a couple years ago ? Yeah huh , what'd you do .
Speaker 1She got her groove back .
Speaker 2That's what she did oh yeah , kath got her groove back . That's what she did . Oh yeah , kath got her groove back In Jamaica . You have an attractive mom , alright . That's it what do you want me to say to that Thank you . Yeah , she's a very handsome lady . I guess that means I'm not . That's what I wanted to talk about .
Speaker 1Yeah , what do you want to talk about
Genetics and Parental Attractiveness
Speaker 1?
Speaker 2Katie and I , we have a good looking surprise for me .
Speaker 1You're like I don't want to talk about . We have a good good looking baby .
Speaker 2Yeah , better looking than us okay I thought . I think she's going to be better looking than both of us okay , we hope , jerry katie's a beautiful lady . Jury's still out tough . Don't hit on my wife I'm not hitting on her .
Speaker 1Don't say she's a beautiful woman .
Speaker 2I don't want to hear that kind of smut , all right that pornography that kind of foul , devil , devil-tongued whisper . I don't want to hear that about my , my lady , um , but my theory is is that , yeah , and you have kids , yeah , they're going to be better looking than you . They're very attractive . They're going to be better looking than you , all three of them so ugly . People make cute babies , but they have to . They can't be so ugly that they're they get those traits like well , that they're they get those traits like well that they're .
Speaker 2That's like , oh , you're gonna carry that yeah , like something like a square forehead or something like that like . But I remember this girl . I went to high school with smoke show , one of the hottest girls .
Speaker 1She got a flipper baby no , okay , I don't know what her baby looks like no , but I don't , I don't know , didn't follow .
Speaker 2She gave a couple people herpes . She was fun , fun and hot . She's a fun girl . Yeah , but her mom was a real river troll .
Speaker 1Oh yeah .
Speaker 2Definitely . Dad found her under a bridge and was like whatever , yeah , and then she was so attractive , yeah , and I . Then she was so attractive , yeah , and I was always like , oh , like , hidden in this mess of a human .
Speaker 1Yeah , we're really really good genetics , yeah , and I would hope that the best ones sort of coalesce and make a person some of them do right , like some ones that aren't necessarily physical , but the idea is for , yeah , you get the best genes from the parents and yeah , better looking kids ideally , yeah , but there's hot people that have hot kids . Yeah , I shouldn't say hot kids , no , you know what I mean .
Speaker 2But your parent unugly , yeah , that's it's gonna grow into a nice adult yeah , that I wouldn wouldn't mind taking out on their 21st birthday . You know ? You know what I'm saying . Go a little putt-putt , you know what I mean . Hey , let's go to the . You like drive-in movies ?
Speaker 1I've never heard of a drive-in movie , uncle Dan .
Speaker 2Let me take you . Let me take you there . It's just a sheet in a field .
Speaker 1What movie are you watching ? The projector's gone .
Speaker 2It's been gone since 1977 I watched the brave little toaster on my phone . You ever seen the brave little toaster ?
Speaker 1when I say the brave little toaster , that's the name of my penis watch him do a little number for you that was like my .
Speaker 2I didn't like that movie . The brave little watch him do a little number for you , that was like my .
Speaker 1Uh , I didn't like that movie . I thought it was the brave little toaster .
Speaker 2It's a dark movie , the
Geppetto and Disney Anecdotes
Speaker 2like . Within the first five minutes the air conditioner kills himself . Yeah , he's like a mental breakdown . Yeah , he's like , and he dies . And then they're like we got to go on a cross-country adventure . And then there's one scene with a clown .
Speaker 1That gets really real dark , gets real bad who's the comic that talks about pinocchio , about how pinocchio has I mean , uh , geppetto has a kid yeah and he's like . All I've ever wanted is a son yeah and then a witch comes down and makes him a this puppet that he made a child , yeah , and then , on the very first day , he's like all right , get to school go you know , and he goes to school on the very first day and gets like sexually trafficked , yeah , and then geppetto saves him yeah and then guess what he does the next day go back to school .
Speaker 1Go back to school . Come on like who . I can't remember the comic that what are you doing ?
Speaker 2brilliant ? Yeah , that is . Uh , that is a good point .
Speaker 1Gepp , it was a bit of a this is kind of weird that he really wanted a kid and he's like all right , yeah , we've had our time , you need to go to school he's a man who really wants a kid yeah , so I think he did it .
Speaker 2I think he's coming I think he just wants dominion over something . Yeah , and to go tell it to do something , because he's so tired of just what . Was he a toy maker ? Yeah , yeah , he's just tired of making toys . He's a puppeteer ? Yeah , he's just tired of making puppets for people . Jaded puppet maker .
Speaker 1He's a good looking guy , though for his age , Was he ? Yeah , he had a full head of hair .
Speaker 2He did a mustache Nice , mustache nice and thick yeah mustache nice . Mustache nice and thick yeah he's a good dresser .
Speaker 1He wore the claws , could pull some puss . He clearly could not , because he talked to puppets and crickets .
Speaker 2Yeah , he's like you .
Speaker 1Watch him after him , jiminy and I didn't understand that either where the fairy is like , hey , jiminy , you're gonna watch out for him and be his conscience . So he had a . He had the conscious of a grasshopper . No wonder he was out doing bad shit .
Speaker 2Well , grasshoppers have always been seen as uh wise say , I think , in eastern asian cultures . Primarily they eat the other way around .
Speaker 1I think it's more of a silly . It's a western thing . Yeah , because isn't the story about the grasshopper , or the grasshopper what doesn't prepare for the winter ?
Speaker 2and he laughs at the ants and the other oh , and then he sex , and then he freezes to death and the ants eat him yeah that might be the the parable yeah the old tale ?
Speaker 1yeah , I'm not quite sure , though I don't know , it sounded like it yeah was that ?
Speaker 2was that what you read ?
Speaker 1an old an old Disney cartoon where the grasshopper's laughing at him . He's just sitting there playing his little fucking legs .
Speaker 2The Galatius grasshopper .
Speaker 1He's like you , fucking dumbasses , you stupid fucking ants listening to your queen . Help me , and the ants are like pissing on him .
Speaker 2Yeah , fucking piss ants , little piss ants , pissing on a grasshopper .
Speaker 1Yeah , you called me a fucking piss ant , little piss ants pissing on a grasshopper .
Speaker 2Yeah , you called me a fucking piss ant you , stupid grasshopper , fucking asshole , fucking piece of shit , grasshopper .
Speaker 1Look at you , you're dumb , fucking grasshopper I think if he went on the the classifieds he could have find himself an old lady that would have took care of him one would hope I would watch that movie . Yeah , geppetto gets , puss Geppetto getting . I think you could pull some old Strange .
Speaker 2You could pull like some lady who's like a clockmaker or something like that .
Speaker 1Yeah , like real overweight .
Speaker 2He's like isn't it fun working with your hands ? And she's like I can do lots of things with my hands .
Speaker 1And he's like , oh , and then she fucking fists him or something like that . Okay , or they just I don't know go on walks together . Didn't all those disney people do that ? Uh , they always put like a boner or something weird in there . It was in the 90s .
Speaker 2There was the penis on , uh , the statue and little mermaid , yeah , and then uh little mermaid come out in the 90s uh , yeah , oh , did it early 90s , okay .
Speaker 1And then , uh , beauty and the beast uh , no , not beauty and the beast . Um , also in the little mermaid . Uh , the Pope , the guy with the Pope hat , is marrying them . At the very end , yeah . And he gets a boner .
Speaker 2As you do , as you do .
Speaker 1In Lion King , simba falls down and then the leaves swirl off of the rock and if you pause it it says sex . That lion scene I remember having feelings about that when I was watching that , as a young boy looks at him like they're wrestling around she's a .
Speaker 2They did something with her eyes where I was like whoa , here it is . Here's the scene they haven't seen each other since they were young lads yeah right , young cubs , they're cubs .
Speaker 1They're wrestling around in the , in the , in the high grass yeah and he pins her down , oh yeah . And he looks at her and then she gives her him the look like I'm gonna choke on that lion dick .
Speaker 2Yeah , and he's like yeah she's like oh yeah and then they fuck yeah , and timon and Pumbaa watch . You know , lionesses , the old gay couple .
Speaker 1Lionesses will try to when they're in heat . They can have sex up to like 20 times in a day 50 .
Speaker 2And when the male lion doesn't want to do it , she bites his nuts . She's like get over here . What do you have ? Sorry about that ? We had some technical difficulties . Dan was choosing words . What do you have ? Sorry about that ? We had some technical difficulties , dan was choosing words . We just had a few technical difficulties , that's all we had Things happen .
Speaker 1There's good people on both sides .
Speaker 2There's always good people on both sides . That's what's important . That's what we need for the country to come together . We do need to realize that people aren't just their thoughts and opinions and their actions , but they're these theoretical vessels in which life , liberty and the pursuit of happiness and the well-being am . I boring you , josh ? It just sounds like your old podcast whoa podcast your old dan sweeney the sand weenie show the sand weenie show like hey guys , what's up ?
Speaker 1brothers and brotherettes , my name is dan . You know what rhymes with dan stan , and I can't stand to be here , if you know what I mean and I'm like , and you just kept going . You didn't even breathe , no , for an hour and a half , and I'm like that sounds like a man who's on cocaine it's called jazz .
Speaker 2Podcasting you just kept going . You just keep talking because there's nothing but dead air in this room .
Speaker 1It's just you in a room talking to yourself going insane yeah , that was crazy that's all that happens you had good stuff on that show , oh thank you if people that listen to this show he probably deleted . It probably doesn't exist . It doesn't . I'm sure it does somewhere on the internet . No , find it . San weenie show . No , it was good , it's not . It wasn't good , it wasn't bad . Thank you , yeah , I mean something . Yeah , it was way better than the other shit you've thrown out there . All right , well , how's this ? Uh , what's it called ?
Speaker 2sundays at eight . Sundays at eight . You want to talk about this now ?
Speaker 1yeah , I don't give a shit well , how long have we been going ?
Speaker 2Oh , but when I when I , yeah , okay , I had nothing . I was going to torpedo everything .
Speaker 1No , I'm just saying , like what you know ? How's that show going ? Fine , All right . Dan has another podcast that he's currently doing .
Speaker 2Yeah , it's what we call stretched thin . I'm like the united states military . Right now I'm everywhere and I'm doing a bad job . Sorry , I support the troops . He's a master of none . You ever hear the singing sergeants ?
Speaker 1of the air force . Well , they're just like doing , like , do whopping shit , no like .
Speaker 2So I was watching the boston pops , it's like this fourth of july thing that they have , and there's these thing called not things there's .
Speaker 1There's like a group in the air force called the singing sergeants so there's a thing called stars and stripes , yeah , and it's a special duty where , if you're like a singer and dancer , yeah you go around and tour , and then they make subgroups oh they'll have like a little band , a jazz band yeah they'll have the singing sergeants and they'll go do shows and you do that .
Speaker 2That's your job , for , like I think , I think four years and then you get out and you tell people you're a veteran and they go thank you for your service .
Speaker 1People that join the military to just be in the air force band and they have like rank in things someone's dying someone is dying someone's definitely dying , do you hear ? That was a horrid cough like a cough from the movie the stand yeah , that's what was the stand stand stand . Stephen king's the stand . What the stand . It's like his biggest novel of all time .
Speaker 2When that come out back in the 80s what is it with you and your references ? We got to keep it up the 80s currently made it .
Speaker 1They made a movie recently . They made a limited run series on it . It was really good . The stand is amazing . You would love it , would I absolutely . I gotta check it
Near-Death Experiences and Parenthood
Speaker 1out . All right , it's his , one of his largest novel it is his largest novel , really and basically the premise is there is a , it's the end of times . So the very first half of the book , is about how everything happens , but there's like a biological disease that wipes out 90 of the planet like the bird flu yeah , like the bird flu you heard it here first folks , yeah , but 90 of everyone dies , whoa .
Speaker 1And then the antichrist comes back and is born . Oh , and it's like 50 years in the future and it's good versus evil and all this shit you believe in the antichrist .
Speaker 2No , you know , some people say like obama was the antichrist and everybody's like looking for the antichrist and stuff like that I find that fascinating yeah , my dad's .
Speaker 1that guy Is he , yeah , my dad , ever since he was young . It's the end of times . There's a term for it ? I can't think of it . It's a type of evangelist that believes in the doomsday .
Speaker 2Televangelist , not a televangelist .
Speaker 1No , but it's a theory that we're at near end times .
Speaker 2We're always towards the end .
Speaker 1Yeah , we're always at the end . So all these prophecies he would talk about that were happening in his lifetime yeah , the shit was going to happen .
Speaker 2So when he went crazy , yeah , that stuff became even more real and pronounced . Yeah , well , it's interesting how like there's this thing going on ? I was thinking this when I was eating my green beans tonight . There's like this trend going on where , like , people like pull fruit out and they're like , look look at this watermelon , it's so rubbery . And people are like they're serving as plastic and they go .
Speaker 2they start believing that the food is actually plastic and people like you start going insane because your perception is reality . So if you believe your food is plastic , sure , then your food is plastic , just like if you look and you go . Oh , this is a sign of this happening . You start seeing everything in a , in a different lens well , the lens of my food's plastic or the world's ending .
Speaker 1That happened to me a couple years ago no , no , when I had all that medical problems . Yeah , the short story . I think we talked about it on the podcast but um found out something was wrong with my head and the guy thought I was internally bleeding in my brain and he was like , if you feel weird in the next few days before I see you again , go to the ER . They're going to have to do emergency surgery . Damn , and I would drive around going , oh my God , it's happening right now .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1And nothing . It was fine , yeah , but I felt it .
Speaker 2Well , we've had that conversation where like , uh , like your dog comes over to you , or like my cat comes over to you , and I'm like , oh , this is the big one , this is it , this is happening I I want to make it a bit on stage about how , when my dog like whimpers at me or comes just to say good morning you're like I'm dying I'm like I'm dead .
Speaker 1He slept on my side of the bed last night . He has his own bed . He slept on the carpet next to my bed .
Speaker 2Oh , that ain't good .
Speaker 1And I was like oh , he must have been on death watch .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1Because they can smell death or the Widowmaker . They smell it before you die .
Speaker 2That's crazy . The Widowmaker is a scary one Because it comes out of nowhere .
Speaker 1But is it scary ? Because you won't ever , apparently , you don't know about it .
Speaker 2You've had near-death situations , right .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2I guess I had one when I almost I totaled the car or whatever Like should have died , but I don't remember it .
Speaker 1So I wasn't scared per se . You mean you don't remember the episode , like when you had a panic attack , you don't remember what happened well when I crashed the car yeah I didn't have a panic attack .
Speaker 2I just fell asleep at the wheel and drifted into an 18 wheeler you didn't wake up no , I woke up in the ambulance . That's what I remember oh , I do .
Speaker 1You probably woke up . You probably were in hysterics or had a panic attack . I was concussed . You don't remember until that moment . That's the crazy part . Yeah , your conscious only remembers . That's the scary part well , it's like being sedated , yeah you , you slowly forget what happened , and so by the time you leave , apparently when you get a colonoscopy , they don't actually put you under under , really , they just put you .
Speaker 2Just enough , where you won't remember what they do to your butt . Yeah , that's not fun . Yeah , I don't like that . I don't like it either . Yeah , but I don't think it was a near-death experience in the sense that like and there's part of that it kind of bums me out because I feel like maybe I would have a better appreciation for life if I could remember the . I remember waking up .
Speaker 2It's the reason why I don't do drugs so you did wake up with a better appreciation yeah , I mean it took a couple months after that , but I remember that moment of coming to in the ambulance and them being like don't move , or your uh head might fall off your spine , and I was like , because they I was strapped down and everything like that , yeah , that was terrifying . And then having no idea how I got there , that's insane , I can't imagine .
Speaker 2I remember listening to George Carlin's Toledo window box hurling down the highway , being like I'm pretty tired but I think I can make it , and then coming to in an ambulance and being like what happened ? And they said I was running across the road , a highway , screaming that I'm drunk . And I was like am I ? And they were like we're about to find out . That was scary . I was like oh my God . And they were like you're not drunk . And then I had a panic attack , yeah , in the hospital .
Speaker 2But when you were running around yeah , I don't remember any of that . That's the crazy part I was running along a highway .
Speaker 1I think you know someone that listens to the podcast , one of my old bosses . I don't know the entire story , but he got pulled over . There were police there , yeah , and he had a , I think , like a manic or a panic . He blacked out kind of . He blacked out and like attacking the officers not attacking them , but like being kind of physical .
Speaker 2Aggressively tickling them . He doesn't remember any of it . Oh , that's terrifying yeah , yeah .
Speaker 1I don't like that . I don't like how you can just not remember a whole yeah and then , but then in college .
Speaker 2Anyone in shock ? No , that's cool .
Speaker 1Yeah , it's really scary , but it's cool yeah , yeah , because you're like , you're in shock , buddy calm down okay yeah , and they're just breathe , and they're like , you're like , just breathe , you're gonna be all right , bro . Just breathe , man , breathe brother just breathe , brother when you say , brother , you , you're cool I love brother , yeah , how you doing brother , you're so fucking cool yeah , brother from jamaica , you're from hawaii , maybe the polynesian ?
Speaker 1you're an island man yeah , and I love you , yeah , and I respect you yeah , brudda makes me feel close to you makes me feel really good it makes me feel safe yeah , I'm gonna start calling people brudda you know what I've been calling myself lately ? What papa burp papa , what papa burp , papa burp , yeah , okay , the wife's feeding the baby , I go come here , papa burp's gonna take what Papa Burp Papa , what Papa Burp , papa Burp . Yeah , okay .
Speaker 2When the wife's feeding the baby , I go come here , papa Burp's going to take care of you , and then I go Burp baby .
Speaker 1Burp . Whatever makes you not kill your kid dude , that's great .
Speaker 2That's the I was telling my , Because it's stressful being at home . You know , all day with a yeah , and you're not having human interaction I mean , it's the most human and the least human interaction you can have . Yeah and uh , she's like . I don't think like her job now is much harder than her job used to be , because she's like if I could did a shit day at work , whatever , I just you know , can't have a shit day as a parent .
Speaker 1No , you can . You can't have a really shit day .
Speaker 2Well , it resonates with you more because you're like oh , I , this is this has real .
Speaker 1There's no hr department .
Speaker 2Oh , you can walk out , baby , you could I totally get why people just walk out on life , yeah , totally go . I really milk , I really I get it and I don't understand it at the same time I don't get it because it's totally an option . You know what I mean . Yeah , and when it's hard , I guess , and then , but then I can't imagine you have to live with it even my ex-wife you know my ex-wife .
Speaker 1We divorced . She moved out of state she made that decision , and I can't imagine birthing a child and then not being there yeah , that's wild , it's crazy to me , that is crazy it's not a knock against her . For legal reasons , yeah , of course not it's just .
Speaker 2It's just what happened . It's just what happened yeah , and I can't imagine and you can't fathom it in your moral heart how that could possibly be
Ted Bundy, Mothers, and Chumbawamba
Speaker 2. I don't get it . Ted bundy's mom , uh , told him that she was his sister and that her parents , ted's grandparents , were his real parents yeah and then he found out years later and murdered a bunch of women who looked like his mom . So mothers are important .
Speaker 1His mom was kind of hot , was she ? No , but a lot of the people he killed were pretty hot yeah , they were very attractive young ladies and dumb .
Speaker 2He was a good looking guy he was , and it was the 70s . Yeah , I don't think anybody thought like you could actually hitchhikinghiking .
Speaker 1Okay , cool , yeah , whatever , whatever , we're in Vietnam right now he escaped in Colorado Springs .
Speaker 2Yeah , he was like can I just go in the library here and read ? And they were like sure , ted .
Speaker 1That's the 70s , dude Ted yeah , go ahead Can you take these handcuffs off .
Speaker 2My wrists are twice he escaped out of the court and then also like he got so thin in jail . Yeah , he's , he like went through the air duct , like slithered through the toilet or something like that , still killed someone . After that , of course , what are you gonna do ? What is he ? Gonna just sit at a diner and read the paper .
Speaker 1He's got killing to do so I I my theory I think we've talked about on the show and I don't care who cares . I have a theory that we have less serial killers because they don't make it to the mid-20s or 30s . They now just kill people in schools .
Speaker 2Yeah , it's not a patient man's game anymore .
Speaker 1Yeah , they don't make it that far .
Speaker 2No , it's this quick gimme , gimme , gimme . Now . Now . Now generation where they're like I can just get all my numbers in one fell swoop , as opposed to doing this weird thing with yeah , I don't want to go to you know hooker . Plato's closet and dress up as a milkman and blend into this neighborhood .
Speaker 1Yeah , and where my mom's skin while I murder them ?
Speaker 2Yeah , I don't want to have to steal her underwear and dance around to . I don't know , More horses , chumbawamba and .
Speaker 1I get knocked out . Now we're going to get sued by Chumbawumba .
Speaker 2Yeah , fuck them .
Speaker 1Hey mates , when did you play that song ? It's not right .
Speaker 2It's not right , especially in relation to a man wearing his mother's knickers .
Speaker 1Yeah , we don't appreciate that as much as we don't appreciate these accents that you're making up . He's wearing her leggings and her stockings Australian and English at the same time .
Speaker 2I don't like it . I don't like it , right , all right , no , I don't come down there and fucking slap my cock in your forehead .
Speaker 1Don't sing my song . Yeah , chumbawamba , I'll be respected around these parts , all right . All right , I'll be respected around these parts , all right .
Speaker 2All right , I've been knocked down . I'll get up again . I'll get up again . You're never going to keep me down .
Speaker 1You know how many fucking albums we sold 50 billion , oh tiny boy .
Speaker 2I'm not a tiny boy , I'm a big man with a record .
Speaker 1That's right , I'm not a tiny boy , I'm a big man with a record . That's right , I'm Chumbawamba .
Speaker 2I'm .
Speaker 1Chumbawamba , I'm Chumbawamba . You son of a bitch , you stupid bastard , you dumb cunt . All these fucking bands . Now all you need is some Chumbawamba . Nobody's got the soul and the rhythm of Chumbawamba , you know how much cocaine they used to do to chumbawamba Lots , lots , that's how much . Tons of cocaine . Times are changing .
Speaker 2Now it's all eating butts and listening to dubstep Back in the day you'd get a pint , a little bag of blow . Listen to some chumbawamba .
Speaker 1And go fuck your wife properly .
Speaker 2Missionary style , like God intended .
Speaker 1Bang it ahead into the headboard . Chumbawamba's God , that's who .
Speaker 2Chumbawamba's a good Protestant Episcopalian actually , but converted to Protestantism Because of my wife , Catherine . She's a good protestant episcopalian actually , but converted to protestantism because of my wife , catherine .
Speaker 1She's a protestant , catherine Chumba Wumba .
Speaker 2I went to . I went to a lunch once and I used my business card and the name on business card .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2And the name on the card is Wisecrack Woodworks . Yeah , and the waitress handed me the card back . She goes , it's a fake card , she goes . I hope you have a nice day , Mr Woodworks . And I said Please , Mr Woodworks , my father called me Wisecrack .
Speaker 1Please just call me Wisecrack .
Speaker 2Oh , you think that's funny ? Huh You're a real comedian . Oh , you're a comedian huh . You ain't no musician like Chumbawamba .
Speaker 1This is what you do on your fucking American podcasts , your dumb American podcasts . You know who wouldn't put up with this ? It's Chumbawamba . That's who .
Speaker 2Chumbawba , don't take no shit from nobody I could have . I could have been like jay-z , especially a bloke like you , but I like barbies and shrimp .
Speaker 1Oh fuck and pussy . Chumbo womba loves pussy . I tell you what do you think a chumbo womba is ?
Speaker 2it's a pussy sound of pussy makes . When it goes , it's getting fucked . Good and proper right that's right .
Speaker 1Or chumba is when you get half hard , but hard enough to stick it in .
Speaker 2And then you womba yourself , you memba in there .
Speaker 1It's like a wiggle . That's why they had the wiggles in Australia too , then .
Speaker 2Think of that girl that got away . And then you rear right up and you chumba womba , bang her head into the headboard . Old Catherine Chumbawamba , that's right , she's a good gal . Bless her soul . Built like a brick shithouse , I seen her eat a poisonous spider Shit it out .
Speaker 1She got eaten by that dingo . Dingo ate her and her baby .
Speaker 2That's right , and that's when Chumbawamba's melancholy really began . It was the fall of chumbawumba .
Comedic Conversations and Code Switching
Speaker 1I just didn't have it anymore in me to sing oh wait , uh , I can't look it up .
Speaker 2You have your phone . I wanted to find out if kirby puckett died . Kirby puckett , favorite baseball player of chumbawumba .
Speaker 1You ain't got shit no , dude , I ain't got dude , let's , let's let's end this shit , bro let's end this shit , dog man this shit done yo , yo you , if you ever want to hear me . Uh , virtual , was it virtue signaling ? Yeah when you no , no , no . What's the thing when you start talking like someone else ?
Speaker 2that's not virtue signaling no a virtue signaler would tell you not to do that yeah , no code switching . That's what it is oh yeah , you go into your I did that with .
Speaker 1Uh , I had , we had someone on the the podcast that was black , oh really , and I was straight up like man , you know when the mans get all up in your shit . So tell me what you think of comedy , motherfucker . Yeah , it was really embarrassing . Yeah , yeah , what episode is that rossi ? No , it wasn't rossi . I think it was dedrick . Oh , was it ? Yeah ?
Speaker 2the man atl's the shit . Yeah , man , I love straight up from atl .
Speaker 1This is dedrick man . What up , motherfucker what up , dude , how you living ? Yeah , that's pretty much how I sound it was . It's really embarrassing . Don't ever listen to that episode . Yeah , that's pretty much how it sounded . It's really embarrassing . Don't ever listen to that episode .
Speaker 2It's really bad . I'll get knocked down but I'll get up again . You'll never keep this podcast down , that's right .
Speaker 1You know who knows .
Speaker 2Chumbawamba knows . Chumbawamba ? Ain't no bitch , chumbawamba . Don't take no shit from nobody . I don't remember which one this was , but Eh , we'll figure it out . I think it might be this one . We'll find out . We'll find out in post . Fuck it , we'll go live .
