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Lowcountry Lowlifes
Maybe the greatest mediocre podcast you've never heard. Listen to comedian Josh Bates and Dan Sweeney talk about something and nothing all at once. Insightful? Maybe. Entertaining? Kinda. A waste of your time? Absolutely. Oh....and Dan quit the show
Lowcountry Lowlifes
Indoor Darts and Assassination attempts
Josh and Dan talk the assassination attempt, flights and indoor darts.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey hey hey, hey hey, hey, hey Okay.
Speaker 3:All right, mama's little baby loves shortening, shortening. Mama's little baby loves shortening bread.
Speaker 2:That's it. That's all we had today.
Speaker 1:I put on the skillet, slip on the lid. Mammy's going to make some shortening bread, and that ain't all Mam mammy's gonna do. She gonna cook us some coffee too. Mama's little baby loves shortening shortening.
Speaker 3:Mama's little baby loves shortening bread. Okay, hey, welcome.
Speaker 2:There it is. We are no longer going to do a podcast. We're going to travel around to county fairs. Yes, and start singing that song acapella. Yeah, uh, we're a duo do up, boot up up don't give them all the fucking favorites, no don't give them all the secrets yeah, we don't want to.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you can't. It's. That was a teaser yeah you can't give them. Give them it all.
Speaker 2:We're edging you can't give the baby all the teat no, save some. I think he's actually good to give the baby all the teat no, save some.
Speaker 3:I think he's actually good to give the baby. All that's true. There has to have been a guy in the course of history who, like his wife's breastfeeding the baby and he's like this is bull. I mean, come on the thing's hogging the tit all the time yeah, it's bullshit like a truly selfish man who had a child with a woman and the baby's breastfeeding the baby.
Speaker 2:You haven't gotten upset and you push the baby aside. You haven't done that what are you doing?
Speaker 4:what are you doing?
Speaker 3:that's a good one I will say after uh, getting the overflow, the excess, you interrupt, you're an interrupter, thank you. Excess breast milk yeah, I don't have allergies there, I said it all right, I'm done.
Speaker 2:There we go. Yeah, look, dan's working bits. No, that's not a bit, that's a bit.
Speaker 3:That's the. That's not a bit. That's a bit. That's the. It's not a bit. That's the truth. Let's talk about this.
Speaker 2:I'm high. Yeah, I don't care, I don't normally, you know. Yeah previously I wouldn't talk about being high.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm high. Does this with feels free? You should be free, but I am. You fought for this country's freedom. Sure, you were a part of the force. Yeah, okay, you know under the guise of freedom.
Speaker 2:You occupied another country for us temporarily, yeah, until they finally just took it over again.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Thanks for that. You can do what you want.
Speaker 3:That's weird. That's the basic equation for American freedom Occupy another country For a, occupy another country for a while, plus American people at home equals freedom.
Speaker 2:Dude, it's all about the industrial complex and I was part of it. You're welcome, thank you. Thank you for we supply jobs you fed me over there.
Speaker 3:Very. You created Jobs, another economy. I was a job maker. Yeah, no, your classic Reaganomics. You created an economy. That money came, it trickled down, I appreciate it and it fed mortgages for bankers.
Speaker 2:That's how you should thank people when you see them at a truck stop and they're wearing an Iraqi veteran hat.
Speaker 3:You shouldn't just say that.
Speaker 2:Say what.
Speaker 3:What I just said. Thank you for creating an economy that trickled down and helped fund mortgages.
Speaker 4:You're welcome.
Speaker 3:You're welcome. You're welcome, freedom.
Speaker 2:Yeah, fucking, yeah, yeah, but I'm high. Yeah, that's good Currently, you should be. I'm on the high train. You're a veteran brother. I'm high on Jesus Christ right now. You a Christ, you a brother in Christ.
Speaker 3:Nah, dude, you a brother in christ.
Speaker 2:Nah, dude, we've talked. We've talked about that a lot on this podcast. Welcome, brother. Uh, no, no, um, yeah, I'm feeling really good. It's a good day.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I guess all right, I mean another day that ends in y yeah, yeah yep, yeah, you called me earlier and you were like dan, I'm a busy man. I'm a busy man, but today is a good day. And I said why? Why, mr josh, yeah, that's what I call you on the phone. Yeah, mr josh, I go. Why, mr josh? And you went well?
Speaker 2:because donald trump's still alive yeah, and I said oh wow, but uh, I don't even think of it that way. Yeah, bob newhart not alive, he died today. Did he really? Yeah, he died what did he? Do 90s well yeah, but um, yeah, the assassination attempt, hey, hey. But you know what's weird about just the american psyche? I wasn't surprised, shocked. Oh my god, let me turn on the tv. It was very like, okay, like.
Speaker 3:It just felt like a normal news day yeah, almost yeah thunderstorms in columbia trump got uh assassinated attempts at 10, 30.
Speaker 2:And then, okay, all right, but no, I mean I, I looked into everything. It's all pretty nuts. Um, you know, being a former emergency manager, at the end of the day, you can't prepare for everything. You know. Right now the secret service is getting slammed. Didn't do a good job. I mean, there's video of the guy up there. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, but shit's gonna happen yeah, if you really want. If I mean, we'll probably get flagged for this, but if, like, I wanted to go try to shoot the president, which I don't yes, if I wanted to do that, I could.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if someone's crazy enough to do it, yeah, I mean. So I think we cut the service, the secret service, a little slack that, and he's a former president, you know, so he doesn't get as much detail. It's expensive, it is and, quite frankly, it's weird because it's on the government dime, like even if, because he's a candidate, he had secret service anyway. Yeah, um, and that's expensive. The government's dime is the people's dime yeah, and we're paying for these, you know I don't get wrong is the the you know all these different things pay for a lot of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but the government pays a big chunk of this change. Yeah, you know um from the people you're just flying the security around.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I did a security detail for potus.
Speaker 2:Once did you? Yeah, uh, bush, debbie, uh, debbie. When he was still prez, he came down and uh landed in charleston and then flew over to kiowa okay you know, for their yeah clan rally. And um, that was a joke, but maybe, maybe, who knows? Skull beating yeah, skull and bones skull and bones, yeah, um, but uh, yeah, I was on that team where we have to make sure to protect the president, yeah, and we had to do a bunch of shit to prepare that day and whatever.
Speaker 3:Get a check all the grassy knolls.
Speaker 2:And I saw him far yeah.
Speaker 3:Did you salute him?
Speaker 2:No, I was too. I was in a building. He was on the flight line. I saw him walk down and you know whatever you didn't salute from a distance. Nah, Are you telling me? Far distance you broke the the uniform code of military justice, josh, and did not salute your commander-in-chief, sir um. But yeah, it's interesting because there's two teams there's one team that's always with the president, and then there's the team where uh, he's going next okay team and they go to where he's.
Speaker 2:You know they're checking hotel rooms, yeah, and all this, they're doing the planning and then they fly there and then it's like leapfrogs to the next spot there's always a pack of people waiting for him. Yeah, yeah and then, like those pilots on the uh air force one yeah their air force. They got to do like all the special training. Uh, you know, it's not a normal plane no, you know, it's the plane. The plane, yeah uh, and then marine one and marine two yeah, the helicopters. Yeah, the helicopters he's got, those are marine.
Speaker 3:Uh, the marines run those nice, yeah, those are very cool.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I uh, I, um, I've never had anything to do with the president, I've only just you have when you went to the ballot box, dan yeah, and you use your hands every day to cut wood for america and the president yeah, pay your, pay your taxes yeah, I pay my, I pay my taxes, his taxes I do every year.
Speaker 3:Yeah, for the president, for Donald J Trump to have the right security, for Joe Biden to have the right security. For Barack Hussein Obama to have the right security.
Speaker 2:Why did you say his middle name? You didn't say you said Donald J Trump. Yeah, what's Joe Biden's Will, matt? I think it's Will.
Speaker 3:Matt Is middle name. You didn't say, you said donald j trump. Yeah, what's joe biden's will matt? I think it's will matt. Is it will matt? Yeah, something so old something queer like that.
Speaker 4:Yeah, well, man, that's a strong name strong middle name susan.
Speaker 3:What's the delaware accent? I don't think they have one.
Speaker 2:Delaware, fuck delaware yeah, because they're kind of near maryland yeah, no, delaware is nothing, but it's just.
Speaker 3:I think it's just literally a place Dover's gross. It's like our Cayman Islands for corporations.
Speaker 2:I think even Jersey talks shit about people from Delaware. Of course, yeah, I see that. I see that.
Speaker 4:Rhode.
Speaker 2:Island. They all look incestuous there.
Speaker 3:Rhode Island yeah, it's an interesting place.
Speaker 2:They're all very country looking Like they. Rhode Island's yeah, it's an interesting place. They're all very country looking Like they all look like Peter Griffin yeah, they do.
Speaker 3:Quagmire. That's Cleveland.
Speaker 4:I know the black Peter, thank you, you're welcome Appreciate that, that's Cleveland, that's Cleveland.
Speaker 3:yeah, silly, yeah, strong black cartoon character.
Speaker 2:No longer.
Speaker 3:No longer a character. They took him out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, why because?
Speaker 3:he was a white guy that did his voice. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, no, it's good when they remove uh, black characters it all started with the poo, yeah, yeah, no, no, I think that was all. I think it was good that they removed aunt jemima and uncle ben dude, that was a great chapelle and I think that's all. Yeah, that was great where it was like they were firing all of them like we can't.
Speaker 2:And he was a progressive Allstate yeah, Allstate guy yeah. He was like just wait a cotton pick a minute. He just kept laughing.
Speaker 3:Going back to the assassination, yeah.
Speaker 2:Let's go back my favorite part about it is how both sides think it's a setup, a conspiracy.
Speaker 3:The right thinks obviously it was a gross mishandling so that Trump would die, and the left thinks that he did it on purpose. This is a class they're like. This is a classic, classic Trump move. It's a classic Putin play it's a Putin play where it looks like a false assassination and I like. I like how both actually, you know, one side seems more plausible than the other. I think the side that's saying he did this on purpose it's a little.
Speaker 2:I think that's a stretch. I think there are two sides and those sides are both retarded. Yeah, like not the normal American. I don't think it's really thinking that.
Speaker 3:Oh, I'm a normal American and I think it was a conspiracy.
Speaker 2:Who's trying to kill him?
Speaker 3:Well, obviously that young man.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, but who is he?
Speaker 3:Here's the thing, josh. What was the conspiracy? This is where. Go ahead. Let's go back to John Hinckley. All right, yeah, now John Hinckley was an interesting man. Do you know where he came from? Where, midland, texas, from the Hinckley family. And you know who they were? Who they were oil people, right, bush family. Are you sure about this? I am positive about this. Scott hinkley yeah, john's older brother hung out with ned bush at a birthday party a few weeks before this happened, george hw and, uh, john senior. They were great friends. They would hang out and stuff like that and they would talk. So there was prolonged contact between the hinkley's and the bushes. Why a?
Speaker 3:conspiracy, just because they well, it's just each other I think, well, I think it's strange that somebody who's uh pretty close with a family, then that guy ends up going to kill the president who he's vice president for.
Speaker 3:Maybe that's just the story so at the same time, john hinkley went to this uh hospital I think it was some Washington hospital. Okay, this hospital. It has been revealed through the Freedom of Information Act and what was going on with the CIA back in the day Project MK, ultra, mind control and stuff like that. They'd take these crazy people and they'd see if they could do mind control stuff on them, get them to do things, manchurian candidate them. And John Hinckley went to this hospital and who was in charge of the CIA while all this was going down? George HW Bush.
Speaker 3:Now, could just be a coincidence, could just be a coincidence, it could just be a coincidence, but I was raised in a country where you're Bush was vice president. No, prior to when he was prior to being vice president, he worked for the cia. He was ahead of the cia, sure, as you would, as you as you do, um, and so that's just I. That just strikes me as strange. You know, I think that whole, I think I I don't think it's uh weird, but I also do think it's very weird.
Speaker 2:The guy. So what's the theory, though? What's the motive?
Speaker 3:I don't know what the theory is. The motive? Well, obviously they wanted Ronald Reagan dead. Yeah, they being John Hinckley and the voices in his head. Now, whoever exacerbated the voices in his head, that's yet to be determined Did he say that, that, that he had voices, of course he did. He wrote this uh. He wrote this these notes in while he was in prison about how he uh was. If uh a conspiracy to assassinate the president yeah those notes have never been revealed to the public.
Speaker 3:Another thing that's never been revealed to the public is john hinkley's uh financial records. They're like we're not going to reveal those. So when those things, when those things aren't, let me ask you a question. Do you tell your kids the truth? You tell them everything about what's going on? No, okay. So why would the government do the same thing? Because you'll shatter your child's mind. Now the government was to tell us all the things that's been going on, the good, the bad and the very ugly. The very ugly is the thing we want to know. I think people's minds would explode and they would lose faith in the country.
Speaker 2:That's my thought yeah, I mean, one of the big proofs of that was when donald old don, yeah, was like saying he was going to release all the kennedy shit. No, he didn't. And then he read it and he's gone. No, I, oh no, no, I can't Even of all people in the world, yeah, and this is why I don't know if aliens exist. Yeah, because he would have been like I'm not supposed to say anything.
Speaker 4:We have the best aliens they're beautiful, the beautiful aliens.
Speaker 2:Big eyes, very gray, the best gray. But we would, we would, we would have, he would have spilt the beans. Yeah, really would have. And so I don't know about how much involvement we have, because of that and so, kennedy, I was real excited because I was like if any president's ever going to tell us it's, it's trump yeah because he has loose lips. And then he read him and was like I, I can't, I can't, I can't do that.
Speaker 3:You know where George HW Bush was the day that Kennedy was assassinated. George, no Old George, who was friends with John Hinckley.
Speaker 2:Sr. Wasn't he there? Wasn't he in Arlington? He was in Dallas. Well, that's another city.
Speaker 3:It just happened to be the city that Kennedy was killed in 500,000. I mean, there's like millions of people there, of course, yeah, of course he just happened to be there that day.
Speaker 2:No, it's just a coincidence, dude, just like the Hinckley thing, it's all just a coincidence, just like Marky Mark was supposed to be on one of those flights in New York on 9-11.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and had he been, there'd be no 9-11.
Speaker 2:There would just be a plane that?
Speaker 3:no, there'd be a statues of marky mark yeah holding two planes, yeah, and with little turbines on the skulls of yeah of terrorists exactly we're.
Speaker 2:Actually. We wouldn't even talk about terrorists.
Speaker 3:We wouldn't even know what those are so I don't the back to the assassination thing. I don't think this is the interesting thing about, uh, presidential assassinations, except lincoln. Lincoln seems pretty cut and dry. I haven't.
Speaker 2:I haven't delved into a lot oh really, there's some stuff going on. I mean he, I mean there was a conspiracy, of course there's.
Speaker 3:There's always a conspiracy, because the conspiracy is just a group of people to come together to hatch a plan uh, you know, he was uh, uh, an anti, uh, what's it called? Uh, an anti, uh, what's it called he?
Speaker 4:was a southern anti-abolitionist.
Speaker 3:Yes, yes and uh. He was pro slavery, he's pro slavery, john wilkes boots loved a slave.
Speaker 2:We need it. Yeah and uh, when he he did it, he shot him, yeah, and he bounced and he was gone. For what?
Speaker 3:three days he jumped uh off the thing, broke his leg and then just just fucking hobbled, dragged it away.
Speaker 4:Yeah, he did good everybody's gone for like three days.
Speaker 2:Yeah, secret service didn't do a good job then. They didn't do dick. They didn't do dick, dude. Yeah, mary todd was just there like with his brains just like trying to push them back into. No, he died like later, yeah, when they were like putting slugs on him.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they poured mercury in his nose and they were like it's not looking good. Things aren't looking good, mary.
Speaker 4:That's before we had Jewish doctors, yeah, and they were like you guys should do what we need to do here. What we need to do is remove the bullet.
Speaker 2:We must remove the bullet, and all the white people were like what.
Speaker 4:What are you talking about? Jew Pour mercury? Remove the bullet and all the white people are like what. What are you talking about Jew Poor Mercury and his asshole? He'll be fine.
Speaker 2:Goddamn Jew telling me how to do my doctoring. What the fuck is this shit? I'm not doing this anymore. I'm going to become an ophthalmologist.
Speaker 4:Get out of here, saul.
Speaker 2:Jesus Christ, there's a lot of white women in ophthalmology.
Speaker 3:You know why slavery happened, why White women in ophthalmology? You know why slavery happened.
Speaker 2:Why white women? Yeah, I've told you this theory. Hold on I. I feel like this is going to be super sexy. You're like if. If they did their damn jobs, no, and cleaned up no, they had to have slaves.
Speaker 3:No, because women. It goes back to this robin williams bit. Robin williams is talking about this is on tonight. So Williams bit Robin Williams is talking about this is on tonight. So Robin Williams is talking about Adam and Eve Wonderful day to be alive. He was talking about. Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden and God is talking to him and he's like here you are, you're in the Garden of Eden. Anything you dream is possible, anything you want. You have a close relationship with me. Your imagination is your reality. Everything is possible, anything you want. You have a close relationship with me. Your imagination is your reality. Everything is possible in my world. And adam just folded his arms. It goes oh my god, this is amazing. Setup is very long. And then eve went. Yeah, but it's missing something. The point is, women always want more.
Speaker 2:I think, personally, men would be comfortable so, men, like hold on, I imagine it like hold on. Yeah, there's like this plantation owner and he's like sadly, we finally have our beautiful plantation. Yes, we have four farmers working for us yeah and they're good farmers expensive ones, but I think, after looking at the numbers, we're going to be able to afford this.
Speaker 3:We will break even and we will have a nice family business.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and she was like Jebediah, I don't know about this Do you know what William Longfellow's wife got?
Speaker 4:He's got himself a Negro.
Speaker 1:He's got himself slaves.
Speaker 3:And guess what they do All the work and he's like well, I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 2:They're human beings.
Speaker 3:We go to church. I mean, why on earth would I want to bondage another?
Speaker 2:human being and she denied him the vagina.
Speaker 3:Yeah, she denied him the beaver at the time. That's what it was. It was beaver, just big, old, hairy 1800s American beaver.
Speaker 4:Oh, I bet it was so gross, yeah, she said well, it'd be better because I'd have chambermaids to wash my stinky beaver.
Speaker 3:And he was like this makes sense, but his wife, these wives, they always want more things. I always want more things. Yeah, I get it. And men, I think, are more content with just like a lawn chair and a TV.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we were not trying we don't need. Back then we just needed shade under a nice apple tree. We're not trying to stir anything but women they love they love the drama.
Speaker 3:They love the things. Look, my theory obviously doesn't hold water, any water, but I will say this. He's gonna say it those white women, yep they didn't do anything about it.
Speaker 2:Oh, and they were happy. You know who. You know how don Donald Trump won the presidency. Slaves white, white women.
Speaker 4:Really.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. They all bitch about Trump and they're like the majority of white women voted for him.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I women I hang out with, don't bitch about Trump. They're like better than I'll be. They're like, thank God, donald Trump's somebody's in charge.
Speaker 2:Look it, I, I'm not uh, I don't say that they don't say his full name in vain, without saying president president donald j trump you're right yeah, that is taking his name in vain.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I, uh, I'm not. Uh, look, I don't know politics from a hole in the wall right, sure, it's our new thing. But when he stood up after getting shot and put his fist up in the wall, right, sure, that's our new thing. But when he stood up after getting shot and put his fist up in the?
Speaker 2:air and went fight, fight, fight.
Speaker 3:I was like oh hell yeah, the strength that projected, you got to admire that. That's when he's 78.
Speaker 2:He fell and he lost his shoes. I want to know because he's like get my shoes or put my shoes on. That's why it took a little bit for him to you know, oh yeah, and I'm like how did he fall out of his shoes?
Speaker 3:Well, that high caliber 22 shell.
Speaker 2:Did you see that girl in the background? Have you seen the viral video where the woman's watching and then she puts the sign up?
Speaker 3:She looks so she doesn't put the shine up, sign up, it's somebody. It's somebody in front of her who does it okay yeah and then, but she just pulled out immediately yeah, I, yeah, I. I said that to my wife. This is bizarre yeah and she was like yeah, but there's people like that, there's people who just like they're like oh fucking, pull my phone out I would never.
Speaker 2:I'm like old school, I don't. I wouldn't think to do that. I would leave you ready for this day. Now I'm always ready, brother. Changing the subject a little bit, all right, this is sad. Yeah, I was born in 1981, 1981, right my birth date is closer to normandy, the beaches of normandy, yeah, than it is to today yeah you're getting old. I'm closer to 80, yeah, than I am to being born yeah, yeah you.
Speaker 3:Is that bum you out? It bums me out. Yeah, man you're. Yeah, you got to take care of yourself, wilford brimley.
Speaker 2:Yeah, diabetes, diabetes. Remember the movie cocoon, where he's like an old person's home and they, they see aliens no but movie in the 80s. Yeah, he plays a guy in a retirement home. Yeah, he was 40, 49 years old wait.
Speaker 3:So he was a man. Like his character was a somebody in a retirement home. Yeah, that's what they thought back in the 80s. 49 year olds were in retirement.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had I had family here yesterday yeah uh and uh, we were just talking about family and shit.
Speaker 3:Yeah as you do my grandma.
Speaker 2:I thought she was like 80 something when she died. Yeah, she was in her like early, late, late 50s early 60s yeah and I'm like what? Yeah, I thought she was like that when I was like born I think people, uh, aged more naturally back.
Speaker 3:They didn't have as many preservatives, yeah, so their skin didn't look as good, we're just a mcdonald, we're just a quarter pounder right now yeah, yeah and. But they also smoked more, a, a lot more, which I love. I think, if Trump becomes president again, bring back indoor smoking. We need it as a country. Yeah, I don't know why the world I hate indoor smoking.
Speaker 2:Even as a smoker Brother, I don't mind. It's like guns. Yeah, I don't want anyone to have guns. Yeah, I want to have guns. Yeah, but I don don't want anyone to have guns. Yeah, I want to have guns. Yeah, but I don't want you to. So, just like smoking. Yeah, I don't want you to smoke in this room. Why? Because I don't like the smell and it sticks to everything. It's kind of gross, but I love a cigarette indoors. Dude, an indoor cigarette. I haven't. You know the, I can't tell you. Last time I took a shit and smoked a cigarette. Yeah, that's magic. Yeah, like when your butthole is going.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, and you're smoking, perspiring a little bit yeah nicotine, it's a natural laxative. Tobacco, yeah, tobacco. And uh, yeah, just both sensations. Oh, it's the best. Yeah, that oral stimulation poison in your lungs and waste out your ass is one of this, that rat poison dude it's the best.
Speaker 3:It's the best that morning cigarette, morning cigarette is the best cigarette always has been, always will be, because I'm setting myself up for a day of smoking. God, I miss darts. Yeah, the last time I think I took an indoor uh had an indoor shit I don't know, most of my shits are indoors an indoor shit with an indoor dart. I think it was like right before covid yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:When's the last time you took an outdoor shit?
Speaker 3:dude, I don't think I've ever taken an outdoor shit, really, really we're gonna go take an outdoor shit together, you wanna.
Speaker 2:One day we'll go camping to go take an outdoor shit together.
Speaker 3:You want to. One day We'll go camping, yeah.
Speaker 2:Just take an outdoor shit and take a shit. Yeah, it feels really good.
Speaker 3:I bet, yeah, you get in the nice.
Speaker 2:That bare ass yeah, right Right next to the ground.
Speaker 3:You get into the Asian squat and just and that's the natural position you should shit.
Speaker 2:We do it all wrong over here. We have a little fear, like there's a little naughtiness to it too, yeah, of course. But it feels really free.
Speaker 3:Oh, I bet.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Once you push past that barrier, you know what it's, because we're domesticated animals. Yeah, you got to shit in the water. The water goes down the pipe and then the pipe goes out to sewage and then it goes around, it gets treated and it comes back and you drink it.
Speaker 2:When we're deployed, there's different levels Of shitting. Well, yeah, because it depends on what the status of your base is. So if you're on the move, you're doing what the Marines do they shit in a barrel and then they light the barrel on fire. Yeah. And then you get a little more advanced and then what you do is you dig holes and take a shit like a shovel. Yeah, you shovel, you know, go down so far down, take a shit and then you know whatever.
Speaker 2:But then, now that you've been at the base a little longer, then you put these PVC pipe tubes into the ground, yeah, and then you just put your dick in the tube piss into the desert into the desert, into the underground that's beautiful, uh. Ground, that's beautiful, uh. And then you, you bounce. But then, once you have like so many people, that becomes very unhygienic you get sick and all that shit, so then they'll will fly in latrines there. They look like trailers, yeah, but basically it's a single wide trailer yeah and it has toilets and showers in it oh, that's nice.
Speaker 2:And then, uh, there's a really cool osmosis thing that we have in the military reverse osmosis yeah, this is this big water tank, and you can put motor oil in there and have clean drinking water from it you know, and it's weird the water that comes out of it, because it strips it from every single mineral that exists.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so it's just drinking wet yeah, you're just drinking wet, you're just drinking, you're not getting much out of it nothing but hydration that's the good thing about, like people talk about.
Speaker 3:Tap water is good. Yeah, because it has those natural minerals and stuff like that. Yeah, where it? Because now you'll drink like, if you get like a case of like deer park or something like that, yeah, it's like pure reverse osmosis, it's just wet, but you need to get like the alkaline ph with added minerals and stuff, because that's the stuff they're trying to recreate the limestone. What you should do is just pour that water off some limestone right in your mouth and get all the natural minerals and stuff like that. Yeah, as a and you know, as opposed to cause, your body really acts as a filter for the water. So if you drink shit water, you get shit filter minerals, you know, yeah, but if you drink the, you know you need the good. Like New York's got really good. Any place with like a nice Colorado aquifer oh, I bet the up there, the water and the rocks up there.
Speaker 2:I bet you get yeah, I bet you get that some real nice water up there, the water right out of the creek up in colorado. I love water. This is the season of water right now. I hate water. What I don't know? I don't know what's wrong with me if I stop drinking I know what's wrong.
Speaker 3:You're a garbage person. You love soda, yeah, and that's okay, man.
Speaker 2:You know it's not doing you any good marriages in different ways than other, you know yeah, everybody has a vice.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yours is soda. There's nothing wrong with that yours is bestiality.
Speaker 2:Yeah, nothing wrong with that, as long as we're open and honest, I listened to that episode, by the way where you're talking about like you don't care, like people fuck animals. Yeah, that's a. You're on a hill on your own, I'm not pro them doing it, but I don't.
Speaker 3:You're different, that's what's weird?
Speaker 2:it doesn't rile you up like man, that's not right. Yeah, you're like ah, what you do in your own time is your own business yeah, it's called america.
Speaker 3:All right, dude. Back in the 70s in washington state they had animal laws on the book, they had bestiality laws. They were like no having sex with animals, yeah, right, yeah. And then the Senate, the legislative body, met, said we need to get rid of this bullshit. They were like we don't need this law on the books anymore, which makes me think that there's some underground bestiality cabal that's pulling some levers in Washington State, seattle chapter. They're like get rid of that law, you know, and then like otherwise we'll show you this picture of you know, you, with the squirrel and the guy's like all right, he's in a position of power, so he, uh, he pretty much compromises him sorry, we had to be quiet.
Speaker 2:People walked by, we got scared yeah, we got scared.
Speaker 3:They removed that from the books, yeah, and then that place became a zoo philia's paradise, yeah, uh, so I'm not that. I'm not that guy, did you ever?
Speaker 2:see that movie. We built the zoo with matt damon no, is that about animal fucking? He's just fucking animals, that's what the kids are like dad, you gotta stop doing this. And he's like why do you think I what the whole thing is?
Speaker 1:And his kids are like Dad, you got to stop doing this and he's like why do you think I bought the suit?
Speaker 2:Yeah, why do you think I bought the suit? That was the original title.
Speaker 3:Why do you think I?
Speaker 2:bought the suit, yeah, yeah, and then, yeah, they cut a lot of it out. Parentheses yeah, they cut all of that out.
Speaker 3:I think, yeah, it was gonna be a much edgier indie film, but yeah, they couldn't get the. Uh, they couldn't find anybody to purchase it well, they, they took it to uh.
Speaker 2:Would you test audiences?
Speaker 3:and yeah, it didn't would you pay to see matt damon fucking a zebra?
Speaker 2:the question is is have I paid? Matt damon, I got a story for you.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So this guy.
Speaker 3:Nice dodging. You're a very politician. You answer the question.
Speaker 2:I can't answer that. Okay, my teeth hurt, it's all right.
Speaker 3:It's probably the soda. Jesus Christ, you've had the same gum since you were a baby. It's wild yeah.
Speaker 2:Not really. I can't remember what the stat is, but you know all your cells.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's every seven years. I think, yeah, that's weird. Seven's a biblical number. All right, that's what Instagram told me. Okay.
Speaker 2:Whatever. Well, there's only fucking Mickey Mantle, all right, so I don't know what. Oh, so about a week ago okay, I'm not gonna reveal names, yeah, but uh, this guy is one of the managers of luke combs, jelly roll, martina mcbride, yeah, okay, reaches out to me, says hey, I just saw your, your couple of your videos online yeah I'd love to have a conversation with you concerning management, was wondering if you have a conversation with you, oh, concerning, uh, management, was wondering if you have a manager, oh shit.
Speaker 2:So I was like, well, this guy is obviously fake on my tits, yeah. Yeah. I was like, so I did a bunch of digging, this is his real account, this guy's legit, this guy's legit. And I'm like, hey, okay. So I said, hey, you know, I'm not really looking right now, but you know, blah, blah, blah blah. Here's my information if you'd like to talk, yeah so two days later I didn't hear anything and I'm like, nah, that's what I thought
Speaker 2:yeah. He says, yeah, it'd be great. You know, here's my email, here's, you know, let's set a time up to talk. So anyway, we, we have a phone call. This guy wants to be my manager. I said no, yeah, because I I own a comedy club right now and I'm not doing it right now. I said, hey, you know I I was just honest with him. I said I don't have the bandwidth right now because he wanted me to. He's looking for people to go travel, be on the road and do a lot of like interviews with like sports celebrities. I guess, oh for, like his channel, yeah and uh, and do a lot of like interviews with like sports celebrities.
Speaker 2:I guess. Oh, for like his channel yeah and uh and do a lot of content. He's looking for someone that could put in 50, 60 hours a week, yeah.
Speaker 4:I was like yeah, I can't.
Speaker 2:That ain't me brother, it's not me dude. I was like maybe in a year or something, but right now that's not what I'm looking for. And he was like, hey, that's cool, he's like you know. In the meantime, I'd love to stay in touch, maybe we can work together and collaborate on some things. I was like, yeah, and we passed each other our information and I said no, dan.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's a.
Speaker 2:That was maybe that was the ticket. That might have been my ticket.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean he has a couple of comedians I won't name, okay, but he had a couple that were pretty impressive, but they weren't like a huge agency, but I mean they were a Nashville kind of company. It sounds like Still interesting. Why did you say no? Because I'm going to be honest, if he's saying this is what I'm looking for, I was like I, you say yes and then underperform, well, no, that's why you have there's contracts and things like that. Brother, you don't sign the contracts.
Speaker 3:You go, give me the bag of money, give me that bag and I give you the bag of fun.
Speaker 2:That's how this works, yeah you make the shirts, josh, and then they just sell.
Speaker 3:They sell themselves. Yeah, it's good people on both sides. So, uh, wow, that's very mature of you. I would have sacrificed my well-being and my family's well-being.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, please come to shows. So that I made the right choice, yeah, but it felt kind of good to say no.
Speaker 3:You know that's a mark of a, of a person who's uh, secure. It's hard to say no, especially to things like that that are so very tempting yeah.
Speaker 2:When someone has like a 50 show that's two hours away, yeah, it's hard to say no to oh yeah, because you just want to do it.
Speaker 3:You want to make people happy oh yes, please, thank you for having me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm so very happy that you chose me, wow, but it felt good to be asked.
Speaker 3:I'm proud of you, thank you. No, you should be. You've earned it. Thank you felt good, yeah, rub it in my face, but I'm kidding.
Speaker 2:I'm kidding, no, I'm very uh, no, you're driving home tonight I'm very happy for you no one fucking called me the fuck no, I don't expect anybody to call me.
Speaker 3:I got nothing to show from. I'm a ghost on the internet.
Speaker 2:I literally just exist on this find you, yeah, because it's all me. Yeah, if I put dan sweeney comedian, yeah, it would be a bunch of pictures of us together yeah, this podcast.
Speaker 3:That's the only way I exist have you?
Speaker 2:have you googled yourself recently?
Speaker 3:no, oh, why would I myself? I'm a nobody.
Speaker 2:All right, yeah, I'm going to Google you. All right? Hey, we have a mutual friend?
Speaker 3:I would think so.
Speaker 2:No, no, no. We have a mutual friend that has an OnlyFans account. Really, yeah who I can't say that?
Speaker 1:I can't.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah, wow yeah, but it's just interesting because I made a joke. Yeah, this person like oh hey, I found your account. Yeah, they're like oh okay, and I was like oh yeah, and I was like, really no, yeah, I was like dang and like she explained it to me. Yeah, like how it works and how everything works. Yeah, I've never used only fans.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Be honest and say me neither.
Speaker 3:I've seen some things, I've thought about it, but I never have.
Speaker 2:Oh, I've thought about it many a time Of course, why not?
Speaker 3:Good for him her, good for him them. They Himmer, yeah, that's good, himmer, wow, yeah. Very cool, very cool. What are you going to do with that information?
Speaker 2:Just tell you oh, okay, isn't that? That's what our friendship now is, that way. Yeah, where? Now, if you got to tell something to somebody, yeah, I tell you, and I tell you. You know so many things, dan.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I do Jesus Christ. This is a long friendship we've had. For adults it is.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I know it is, and I'm very grateful for it Me too Especially because we can speak freely amongst one another, which is one of the more refreshing things, and I don't really judge you and you don't really judge me.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 3:I mean, when I saw you punch that four-year-old I was like whoa, yeah. But then I explained the situation and you understood it owed you money. I get it exactly, yeah, and so, yeah, I mean it's very nice to. It's rare my wife and I talk about this. It's hard to make friends, yeah, who are and we don't drink. We're not, we're not fun going, we're just. We're just. We're just hard-working american people who we peel our own potatoes.
Speaker 2:Couple friendships are weird, they're tough I don't like, I don't like, I don't like husbands usually, yeah, because they're sad, yeah, and they like have this, they're just weird. Yeah, and any time my wife. They're more successful than you and you're like yeah, and then they're not as successful, then you go. Yeah, it's like both.
Speaker 3:Either way, it's hard to find a nice uh equilibrium.
Speaker 2:It's not like put together yeah you know, like you're forced together, you're not. You are there, naturally. No, you didn't just happen upon one another like our wives, like each other. Yeah, therefore, we have to hang out yeah and I don't want to do like the whole, like, hey, check out my garage. Yeah, I don't, I don't I don't want to do like the whole. Like, hey, check out my garage. Yeah, I don't want to see your garage bro.
Speaker 1:I don't care.
Speaker 2:I mean, unless you have a fridge. I still think if you have a fridge in your garage.
Speaker 3:Fridge, two recliners and a TV. That's a nice garage. Yeah, it's pretty cool, but it needs to have a window unit too.
Speaker 2:Get the air circulating in there, Otherwise I mean, we're just in a kid when someone had a fridge in their in their in their garage. It was huge.
Speaker 3:I never had a fridge in my garage big deal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's really nice, it was packed with all the goodies.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's the good drinks, right there, yeah, like all the good sodas dad's beer always was yeah yeah, that's where all the sodas were sodas, yeah, yeah, good times, great oldies, high c, high c, sunny d, you remember?
Speaker 2:sunny d sunny d. I still drink sunny d it gets you all phlegmy. Yeah, it'd give you the hot. You can make those spits where they like, hit the ground and you can suck it back up. Yeah, suck them back up.
Speaker 3:Yeah, find a little crumb, a little cookie crumb from the night before you know, Spider Tampico.
Speaker 2:Have you ever had that Tampico? What is that it's like a. Mexican version of Sunny Delight. I've had Yarrito Yarritos.
Speaker 3:No, it's not the same. Yarritos are good, nice watermelon soda.
Speaker 2:Imagine Tampico and a lot of people that listen to the show.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Big Tampico fans Listen. Tampico is like if you took Sunny D, put five more cups of sugar in it, yeah, and had different flavors, like kiwi, strawberry, but it tastes like that sunny d flavor oh, it's got that more sure, it's like a shot of that hardcore 90s chemical profile dream yeah tampico, I think probably is outlawed in european countries you know what?
Speaker 3:uh, ritz crackers. It's one of the most more depressing things, ritz crackers yeah are outlawed in europe I was like, what are they doing to us here? Oh, that ritz cracker. What is in ritz crackers? Yeah, and I refuse to look into it because I love how they like they.
Speaker 2:They're proud, proud of their Mexican Coke and they sell it here and they bottle it here. It's not really Mexican Coke anymore. It was for a while. Well, it's got cane sugar in it. It has cane sugar, but they bottle it and make it here. Why don't they just make that as Coke? Yeah, and they even know that it's bad. They're telling us that it's bad.
Speaker 3:And they're telling us that it's bad it's. And they're like yeah, yeah, our regular coke sucks. You want to know why? Because it's made that fucking corn jizz. We did a whole episode on this. We're beholden to the corn cock and the corn jizz. Old corn cock. Farmers make all the corn, subsidize them. We got to use the corn somehow, grind it up into a little sugar, high fructose corn syrup. Your teeth are feeling weird, aren't't they? John Hinckley? Yeah.
Speaker 2:Corn guy.
Speaker 3:Big corn guy.
Speaker 2:Big corn guy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, him and his family were corn people, oil people and corn people, corn flakes, corn flakes.
Speaker 4:You want your kids to stop masturbating? Give them corn flakes. Take the boner right out of his pants. Does your boy have a boner? Shove a corn flake up his dick.
Speaker 2:See he just took it, it was so funny.
Speaker 3:And then you then, then you got, I got greedy imagining it, yeah no, it's painful yeah, that's why he made them, so that people wouldn't jerk off or well, man in particular old man kellogg he didn't like.
Speaker 2:He had three sons, two of them masturbators.
Speaker 3:Two of them were just in their rooms all the time. Yeah, just cobwebs and jizz everywhere. And he's like I can't, what do I got to do? I got to invent the blandest cereal possible.
Speaker 2:Well, he was milling corn one day.
Speaker 3:Ah, as you do, and he saw these flakes, and he saw these flakes, yeah.
Speaker 2:And one landed on a horse's dick flakes, yeah. One landed on a on a horse's dick and the horse was like they took off, he's like, he's like god.
Speaker 3:I got an idea. Thank you, god, for giving me the answer, no problem yeah.
Speaker 2:And then, uh, then he started, yeah, going into his son's room at night and putting little flakes of corn up his dick corn up his dick, yeah. And then he woke up but he was like, and then he murdered that son, yeah. And then the third, he was like I gotta come up with a different way, yeah, to get him to stop take these cornflakes. Oh yeah, and he goes, I got an idea, I'll fucking frost them, yeah, I'm gonna frost these, yeah. And then I'm gonna put I'm gonna pour milk all over them, yeah, and let him eat them when he watches cartoons in the morning yeah, then he won't jerk off, yeah and the kid was like I don't want these.
Speaker 2:And then he put a. He put a cartoon, little tiger, tiger on the front shit. Yeah, these look good, these look delicious. Yeah, dude corn was so hard up for kids to eat cereal, they had to put prizes in the box. Yeah, what other thing do we have besides that and cracker jacks that had a prize? Happy meals yeah, that's true, I didn't think but I mean, yeah, two of the worst things to give a child tobacco companies literally giving toys marlboro bucks, oh yeah, the camel, the joe, yeah, camel points.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, dude, that I always look at that catalog when I was little and my mom, would be smoking yeah in the house, you know, and I'm like looking at magazine. What can you give me this?
Speaker 4:can I get camel joe lava lamp?
Speaker 2:she's like no, because she's saving up for, you know, cool leather jacket yeah, she's like I'm gonna get my camel joe jacket, cool leather one 5 000 points, you get one per carton everybody at the 7-eleven is gonna think I'm cool as shit, my joe cam.
Speaker 3:There's a point where joe camel was uh as recognizable to children as mickey mouse, and I think that was peak america have you seen the this?
Speaker 2:the hidden naked man on the camel? No, I'm gonna rock.
Speaker 3:Sounds like you did in a minute.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, if you look at the front leg, you quit the leg of the man and he's standing there with his arms on his sides and he has a boner. Oh, I'll show. I'll show you when we're done yeah, please do, yeah yeah, we'll talk to the troops.
Speaker 3:Talk real quick, troops we need to do a better job of spreading freedom to everybody, but ukraine, no, we need to say we need to do it for the ukraine. That's the. We need to help. That's up to you, dude.
Speaker 2:We need to, I think, troops let's do that one more time there. Now look at it, now look at the front leg, and the man is looking that way. Which way At?
Speaker 3:the pyramid.
Speaker 2:He's looking that way. You don't see it? Oh yeah, he has his hands on his side and his dick is out and everything. That's a normal box.
Speaker 3:It's an unaltered box. His dick's up by his stomach. Let me see.
Speaker 2:He's got real long legs and a short torso, but I mean, you see his chest and his, and it's clearly a person, I guess. Yeah, I yeah, I mean, how do you not see that?
Speaker 3:I see it yeah, yeah, everybody.
Speaker 2:Go get your box of camels out and then take a look at the naked man Are those unfiltered. Every box is the same.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they all have the naked man on it. Yeah, there he is.
Speaker 3:I liked Camel, joe, joe Camel.
Speaker 2:There it is bud. Look at that.
Speaker 3:Although somebody said Joe Camel's face looked like a shaved scrotum.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it did look kind of weird.
Speaker 3:Yeah Well, Camel's are.
Speaker 2:There he is. There's Joe Camel. Yeah, you see, it Is he. He looks Cuban, to me, a Cuban camel.
Speaker 3:No, no, I mean, that's the beauty of Joe Camel is, you see, whatever you want to see in him, whatever you want to see in him. That's true, he's like a rorschach test. Yeah, yeah, joe camel was a cool guy. Yeah, he's fucking. He's fucking joe. He's a smoking camel. He's a smoking camel.
Speaker 2:There's nothing cooler than that yeah, really originally turkish, is that?
Speaker 3:it's turkish blend, it's the type of tobacco it's the type of tobacco on the front because back in the whenever uh camels, uh, rj reynolds, right, yeah, so this is southern winston-salem company. They're like what's in the, what's in the middle east? Do you ever have cigarettes?
Speaker 2:in europe. They're horrible, no, horrible. They love american cigarettes, yeah they're probably better.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, they'll kill someone for an american cigarette yeah, I bet we have, we we have the best stuff I want to smoke.
Speaker 2:It's not a cigarette, but like maybe I'll snooze again yeah, yeah like I like camel snooze I miss tobacco more than anything, you think that's better than snooze no, I would much rather dip.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I loved dipping dipping is better for you?
Speaker 2:yes, is it?
Speaker 3:yeah, it's not tobacco, it's just like a little nicotine. Pouch a little nicotine pouch, yeah, some nicotine salts and then like some like food products, just to kind of hold it okay hold it all together.
Speaker 3:Yeah, the flavor, whatever that is yeah yeah you know mint so you know it's not like a. I trust a natural flavor more than I do, is it? A swedish company. Uh, I believe they're killing it. Yeah, but then they were uh, what is it? Swedish match llc. Um, but then I think philip morris no, philip morris came out with a different one. I think zin's their own thing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, um no, but I, morris just does this, but I started doing these, like in 2019, when I was trying to like get off the sigs and stuff, um, but I never could, so I'd stop and then, during covet, I tried them. I think katie helped you. Well, having the baby helped us, that's what? Yeah, that's really, that's what really kicked it yeah, no, I helped katie quit smoking. What are you talking about? Yeah, that girl would have smoked through the pregnancy if she didn't love this
Speaker 2:big smoker she didn't.
Speaker 3:Yeah man, yeah yeah I miss it me too.
Speaker 3:I that was. I loved looking back on our honeymoon like we rented this 1970s volkswagen thing. I thought that would be fun. I was like we're gonna get a fun car for it was. It turned out to be a death trap smelled like gasoline, had no windows at all and the brakes no power steering. The brakes weren't abs so they could lock up on you at any moment. But we were just driving around hawaii ripping darts. You know I was playing with her clams, just fucking playing my balls. We were just driving around hawaii ripping darts. You know I was playing with her clams, just fucking playing my balls. We're just ripping darts out on the big island. It's on the big island. Yeah, dude, I, I will always long flight and our wedding photo.
Speaker 3:You've seen our wedding photos. We have cigarettes in them yeah, because I think it's a bygone thing. It's a long flight to hawaii.
Speaker 2:Tell me if you're trying to figure out what I'm going to go on vacation next.
Speaker 3:I really, because I think it's a bygone thing. It's a long flight to Hawaii.
Speaker 2:Tell me if you're trying to figure out what I'm going to go on vacation next.
Speaker 3:I really want to go to.
Speaker 2:Dublin. It's worth it.
Speaker 3:No, I mean that's just, that's a longer flight. Fly first class fly first class pony up for first class. I'm telling you, yeah, I'm telling you it's worth it. Yeah, telling you it's worth it. Yeah, people like it's gonna suck, but it's better in first class.
Speaker 2:It sucks less in first class. Yeah, we spent most of our money class is great on those big flights we spent.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you'll probably get the lay downs. I mean, you get the lay downs, yeah, oh, dude, and take some pills. God, that was one of some of my favorite times just hitting the airport bar real early. Papa zanny bar, pass out, wake up. A couple shots hammered on the plane. Yeah, real fucked up. Get a beer, drink it, go back to sleep and then all of a sudden you're home.
Speaker 2:Yeah ah like it was in bed. It's like twilight sleep. I can't stay awake for five minutes on a plane oh, you're one of those people and I'm sure I'm snoring, oh I'm I am.
Speaker 3:This is the next 9-11 on every plane. I'm looking everywhere. I'm like, really, I'm like they look suspicious that guy's funny looking what's going on in the cockpit? Does everything seem normal? That wing looks a little. Is the electrical working? What's that sound? I'm, I'm all over the place. My wife just is, like she just puts her head back and just falls asleep.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But I am on edge. I'm ready to Mark Wahlberg at any moment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've been watching a lot of videos on Instagram. There's this Of 9-11? Well, no, it's just. Well, I watch that all the time, but To masturbate, of course.
Speaker 3:Background noise.
Speaker 2:Yeah, to jerk off to you, yeah, no, uh. Of all these plane crashes, oh yeah, and they show like simulations of how they crashed and all these terrorist ones, like I didn't realize how many planes have just blown up in the sky from terrorists yeah like european flights and shit and turkish indian, a lot of indian flights yeah um, but holy shit yeah, right after 9 11 there was a terrible uh accident like queens, like 260 people died.
Speaker 3:It's nuts, it's a horrible plane crash.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, and then, uh, there was one girl that, uh, I think it was canton I gotta fly in a few weeks oh yeah, dude.
Speaker 2:Well, there's this girl in canada. Her dad, her grandpa was the Grandpa and grandma were in the plane. They crashed in the mountains. Grandma and grandpa both died. They burned alive. Yeah, the girl she's like, I think she was like 16, 15, survived, damn, trying to pull the grandpa out. They both burned alive. And then she was out in the wilderness for three days, damn, and she lived. Did she eat her grandparents both burned alive. And then she was out in the wilderness for three days, damn, and she got. She lived. She eat her grandparents. Uh, well, she should have.
Speaker 3:They got burned alive, cooked already, cooked already, yeah that's some beef jerky for yeah, that's tough, I really uh, yeah, flying sucks surviving a plane crash.
Speaker 2:That's it's a lot.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there's been like lone survivors on plane crashes, like uh, I think there was. I remember reading one where, like a little kid, like everybody died except him. He was just sitting there at the end of the yeah oh, and then you know, you gotta.
Speaker 2:You know they talk about survivors, guilt yeah you know that's got to be and I feel like I'm on cocaine or something yeah, well not, I've never taken cocaine. You should try.
Speaker 3:Nah, all right, maybe in my 80s yeah, it's a good time I'm gonna try opium once I was with my mom's friends once and she was talking about like how her one of my mom's friends was talking about her mom's 90 and just picked smoking up again.
Speaker 2:I was like, yeah, hell, yeah dude about time 90s dude I'll smoke a dart. Yeah, I want to try a hash hash in my 90s turkish weed, turkish weed, I want to try that. Yeah, my 90s, I want to do a little ayahuasca. Okay, probably wouldn't survive in my 90s if I took that I had to do it before then.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think ayahuasca is more of a it's not like a party time, it's more of like a spiritual journey, demon sorting time see, that's why I don't think I could ever do it. I think I'd puss out no, I think, I think you'd come out a better person what about you?
Speaker 2:would you, would you try it? No, I've done hallucinogens yeah, but not ayahuasca, not where you shit yourself all night long with the shaman no, I, I, you know, I think, no, I think, I don't know.
Speaker 3:Something extreme would have to happen, like if you have a terminal disease. No, I think I'd do shrooms then more or less.
Speaker 2:Like just a big old bag of them. Yeah maybe just an eighth. I've never done shrooms.
Speaker 3:Yeah, an eighth.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I bought some gas station shrooms. Yeah.
Speaker 3:We broke into my buddy's uh shroomatorium in college college senior. We knew he's growing shrooms in his uh closet, yeah, and then he uh got suspended because he blacked out and destroyed a dorm room. We just left, but a shroomatorium was still there. My buddy and I broke into his room and just ate all the shrooms.
Speaker 3:We probably ate about a quarter mushrooms each yeah so it was a heroic dose and we tripped for about 10 hours and all we could say for like three of those hours was I'm so fucked up. And then we just didn't talk, and then we were just smoking cigarettes in the rain. We were very lost, like we forgot we were on earth. We were like what is this planet? Like trees were strange.
Speaker 2:Do you feel nauseous or headache or any of that?
Speaker 3:You can.
Speaker 2:I mean, it's been a while since I've taken mushrooms, but the or are you? Is it like a Salvador Dali painting?
Speaker 3:The way I would, the way I always experienced it was childlike wonder with the brain that I currently have. So it was taking my jaded adult mind and looking through everything through the lens of a child and everything was kind of cartoony and clear but fuzzy at the same time and just overwhelming emotions. I remember the first time I tripped. I saw a tree that got struck by lightning and I fell at the the base of it and I looked up and the moon was there and I just could not stop laughing I was gonna cry, oh I was crying because I was laughing so hard.
Speaker 3:I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. And then I saw swans. Later that night at our college there were two swans that would swim around the lake and I thought they were dragons. I mean, it was a yeah, it was a great time, wow, yeah.
Speaker 2:That sounds great.
Speaker 3:The other time when we took the heroic dose, we weren't expecting, we were drunk when we did it. And then, like we just didn't know how to act, like we at that point you don't. The other times you're like you're kind of going on a journey, like we're going to hike, we just ate these. And then we're like, oh fuck, like we just started like 20 minutes in, things are starting to dance around, you know, like letters and stuff, and you're like, oh, I'm definitely. Wow. I remember buying the cigarettes, being like going into a gas station, be like, can I get cigarettes? And the guy like, look, he's like which ones do you want? And I was like, oh, fuck, um. And I looked out and my buddy's just dying laughing outside and like just standing outside the gas station, I was like the red ones. And he's like which red ones? And I was like, oh, what red ones?
Speaker 3:so he became joe biden I was like those and he's like those. I was like, yes, those, yeah, those, and I couldn't look at his face because his eyes were big and you know he's scary and I don't know him black hole son. Yeah, it's very, it's very vibe. Yeah, strangers are very strange, friends are very friends.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah that sounds fun yeah, it is fun. Yeah, that sounds like my, uh, my in-law, my old brother-in-laws yeah they, uh, young, young kids in their early 20s, went out to amsterdam. They came and saw me in germany when I was stationed out there.
Speaker 2:They stopped in amsterdam and and, uh, they had a lot of money at the time and once they landed, before they even went to the hotel yeah they went and bought like 400 worth of drugs nice, which is a lot of drugs, yeah, and uh, they got fucking wasted, yeah, before they went to checked in their hotel, couldn't find their hotel. They walked around for like 12, 13 hours, oh, just like yeah, you lost. Yeah, you know, just super fucked up.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that, and they were in a foreign country, so it was even more like what is going on, yeah. And then I bet yeah, um, they had all these plans and they didn't do anything for three days.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then they had all these drugs left like copious amounts.
Speaker 2:They just bought all this stuff for no reason and, uh, they saw this homeless and they gave it to him and it was like this huge bag. They thought the guy like hey, do you want these? They thought he was going to sell them, you know, or maybe, oh cool, and put them in his he ate them, as if he was Popeye needing to eat the spinach. And he just gobbled them all up and they were like there's no way he's gonna live. Yeah, the amount of shrooms that he ate, yeah, so I don't know what that story means but there you go.
Speaker 3:I'd love to know. This is the some of the great mysteries.
Speaker 2:I would love to know what happened to that guy yeah, he bet he had the greatest two days of his life.
Speaker 3:I told you the story about this guy used to shoot pool with right. I should.
Speaker 2:I used to shoot pool with this guy with the, uh, the the jar that he would talk about.
Speaker 3:So this guy his sister worked in a did we.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:He would tell you Okay, nevermind then the, the well, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 2:A guy where?
Speaker 3:his sister worked in a mental hospital. Yeah, and we were all standing around one night after the pool hall closed and we're smoking cigarettes and he's like. You ever hear about the story of the guy who like, uh, he took too much acid and he became a glass of orange juice? And I was like I have heard that story. It's kind of like an urban legend. This guy took too much acid, he went crazy and he thought he was a glass of orange juice for the rest of his days and he goes. Well, that guy's real and I was like what he goes? My sister works in a uh like a mental hospital up in West Virginia and that guy is up there. I was like what happened? The guy bought a bunch of uh acid in Florida back in the sixties and he put it all in his backpack and he was going to ride from Florida to New York and sell all the acid. And as he's riding it rains and acid just can.
Speaker 3:So like if we put a tab of acid there and you held it, you would start tripping because it just absorbs through your skin yeah and so he took like tens of thousands of hits worth of acid and then went insane and, I guess, came to the conclusion that he was a glass of orange juice. And I was like what? How did? How does he know that? Yeah, how do we know that? And he goes because he tells everybody. I was like that makes sense. Yeah.
Speaker 3:So like every morning, like he wakes up and he's like because he he thinks he's spilled, and then everybody's talking to him. They're like sit down. He's like careful, careful, I don't want to spill, I'm a glass of orange juice. And then when they put him to sleep he loses his shit because he thinks he's going to spill. He's like I'm a glass of orange juice. What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm fucking. And then they, they got to give him some Thorazine or something like that. But that guy, apparently he's real, apparently he's real, wow. Or that guy's really yanking my chain. But I think he saw how happy the story was making me. I was like yeah, then what? But that was the most. It's like you know, you know how does. It's like he goes around. He's like maybe he found, maybe that's what we all are, could be like he could have tapped into something the true, the true nature of it, center of the universe well, I think we are vessels that are filled with liquid, liquid information.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know and we either thinks that we either we either hold that information or it comes out, or we spill and it falls out, and then you know you're speaking his language right now. It's like when I was doing like drinking and drugging all the time. You know, that's what I was filling, that was my orange juice, and then I fell over and I spilled out and I cracked and all that that information spilled out of me and then I had to fill my, my glass with new information.
Speaker 2:All right, dan. Sorry, no, no information spilled out of me, and then I had to fill my my glass with new information.
Speaker 3:All right, dan, sorry, no, no, I was just trying. I was trying to, you know, connect with a. I've been dude with a mental health, you know it's a problem we're vibing, vibing and thriving.
Speaker 2:What do we got going on soon?
Speaker 3:brother, I don't know. I have not. I don't have managers calling me. I got to get better at comedy. I suck, I'm a loser, you know. Just happy to be alive.
Speaker 2:Your dad bro.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:First time, dad and this kid just came out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I just really don't want to be just came out of failure for that little girl.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I want to be more important. Your dick jokes, or your daughter, who's brand new? My daughter, exactly. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So don't. Yeah, fuck it it's. This is a blip on the radar of your career. I don't tell dick jokes, all right, so don't hold on. You got a dick joke somewhere. I mean you talk about the, the guy's dick in the, the glory hole.
Speaker 3:That's a dick joke you just giving away my material right now glory hole.
Speaker 2:You own you copyrighted glory hole.
Speaker 3:That's true, yeah, but it's a yeah. I'm not saying the bit yeah, no, that I guess, not even the funniest part.
Speaker 2:That is a dick joke yeah that's a dick joke. Yeah, then your mom seeing the dick who's?
Speaker 3:dick. Oh yeah, that one jaws. Yeah, I forgot that one. Well, dicks are a part of life, I mean it's just they're hilarious. Yeah, they flop around, they go to war. You know they make babies. Is it kind of gay?
Speaker 2:what the dicks flop around, that I've jerked, that I've touched a penis is like lot my own penis, but I've touched a lot.
Speaker 3:If you're looking at yourself in the mirror and pretending that that's another man.
Speaker 2:I'm jerking off, but I'm getting hard, yeah, while I'm jerking off. That's kind of gay, right? What are you looking at? I mean porn. Most of the time Gay porn. Nah Well, there you go. Yeah, but I most of the time gay porn. Nah well, there you go. Yeah, but I'm still touching my dick. Yeah, because nobody else is doing it for you, I know, but still you're still, you're still touching your dick, dude. Yeah, it's kind of gay. No, yeah, it's awesome and like.
Speaker 3:Here's another thing, it's like. It's like smoking.
Speaker 2:You watch porn that doesn't have a dick in it. Yeah. Lesbian porn yeah, I can't, I don't. No, I got to see there has to be penetration.
Speaker 3:I prefer penetration, but every now and then lesbians getting naughty with one another You're gay. Oh hell, yeah, dude, You're gay. That's like that Tiger King logic.
Speaker 4:He's like you watch porn where there's dicks in it.
Speaker 2:He dick. There's dicks in it. He he has.
Speaker 3:I've never watched and they're like and the guys are like yeah, and he goes, you're gay. And then they sucked his dick and did meth with him. And then afterwards they're like I'm not gay, I just like math, just suck the tiger kings. Yeah, he psyop them. He was like you watch porn that has dicks in it and they're like yeah, if someone ever says that to me, do I run because I'm being yeah, especially if he's like you want to go see my tigers and smoke meth and you're like, oh shit, this guy's logic's pretty irrefutable Fuck.
Speaker 2:All right, well, we got Steve Rogers. He's here this weekend.
Speaker 3:Big Dick Steve Rogers yeah, big Dick Steve Rogers yeah, I hear about him all the time on Tuesdays with Stories. Yeah, he's a great comic.
Speaker 2:Big Dick fucking Steve.
Speaker 3:Rogers.
Speaker 2:We call him Big on tuesdays with stories. Yeah, it's a great comic. Big dick fucking steve. Big dick, steve rogers. Yeah, son of a bitch, he's here, nice, he dates uh, caitlin, uh, poofalo, puffalo. You know who she is? No, it's great comic. Wait, she came and did the she didn't do our show. She didn't do that, she didn't. No, no, you were thinking, the other, yeah, the other one other one.
Speaker 3:She was funny.
Speaker 2:She was great, yeah Hot. Okay, I mean, oh dude, are we rolling on the river right now?
Speaker 1:Being a lot of things in Memphis.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, this was a good episode.
Speaker 1:Bumping a lot of things down in New Orleans, but I never saw the good side of a city Till I hitched a ride on a riverboat. Queen Big wheel, keep on rolling and you keep on toiling Rolling.
