Duality of Man

Josh and Dan back again, late night, at Wits End. 

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:10

all right now. Now we are okay. Serious talk. All right if you were to die in like a plane crash yeah well, I actually it matters how you die, but we'll get to that in a minute. But let's say you die, how long do you think it would be until I could get to sleep with your wife, like how long do you think it would be until, like, I had to like convince her? Do you think it would be like right away? I?

Speaker 2 0:34

feel like this is like pete rose gambling on his own baseball team like it's forbidden yeah, I think my only shot is like the night of the funeral yeah because, then she's real. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cause then she's real.

Speaker 1 0:47

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, cause she's real vulnerable. That night Later on she would have her wits about her and be like no, I'm not going to fuck you, are you?

Speaker 2 0:52

crazy. The grief is an aphrodisiac.

Speaker 1 0:54

The grief is real and I would really lay it on thick yeah like a, like a cheetah, yeah, yeah, just waiting.

Speaker 2 1:08

You know, if you die for that baby gazelle, if you died, yeah, I would uh respect your family and I would probably never speak to your wife again you never speak to her, like you wouldn't take care of her like the italians do no, I'm not italian like, we're like in the mob.

Speaker 1 1:19

You got to take care of for the loss of that family unit in a meadow somewhere the light missed you wouldn't, you wouldn't like see if check in, no, like a couple months, like hey, just want to see how you and the kids are doing offset the guilt, I would write a letter and send it to the wrong address. Did you murder me? No, but you're saying what do you mean? Like send a letter that why do you have guilt? What do you mean? Why? Why wouldn't you not?

Speaker 2 1:42

checking in, but why wouldn't you not checking?

Speaker 1 1:43

in, but why wouldn't you check in?

Speaker 2 1:45

Why would I want to be like how are you doing?

Speaker 1 1:47

I'm sad, Okay, Well, well there's two outcomes Either she's sad or she's not.

Speaker 2 1:54

She's like, yeah, no, I've never been happier and I'm like oh okay, yeah, you know how do you do like if you die today would you want your wife to remarry? Um yeah, well, no, be real, I. I would want her to be taken care of, whatever that means.

Speaker 1 2:17

Sure, like if there's a guy or whatever out there who's just nailing the shit out of her. I gotta fly soon yeah, with all the this is making you paranoid I mean, I'm a naturally paranoid person yeah, skittish.

Speaker 2 2:25

Yeah you are, you are skittish so, uh, yeah, I I'd want her to be happy, whatever that means means getting fucking railed.

Speaker 1 2:34

Post more thick brother means getting railed.

Speaker 2 2:38

No, I mean I at first, for a long time it'd be the same thing, for I would want the same thing for me as I'd want for her which I would, you know, the appropriate amount of grief, but I have you want. You want railed by six foot seven black guy, of course, yeah, all right she's like you know, I'm sad, I'm gonna go to a college of charleston basketball game and yeah, that's of course uh. But I got the daughter now too, so the thought of that, the guy yeah he's got to be a good.

Speaker 1 3:05

That's the rule, though can't call it, can't call her him dad that's my rule.

Speaker 2 3:11

Yeah, that's a good rule. Yeah, I should lay that down. Yeah, that's that in stone put that in?

Speaker 1 3:15

yeah, write that somewhere should be in the will yeah, don't call don't call. Don't call him dad, your dad that sounds like a sad country song. Don't call him dad.

Speaker 2 3:25

Oh, that's, you know what it makes me, let's write it we should get ai to write that song for us he's just a guy fucking your mom I'm in the ground I ain't alive your mom's getting pound fell asleep on the train tracks again, and this time's bad don't call him dad.

Speaker 1 3:45

He ain't your dad he goes to church uh, but no, I I first. I I didn't want my wife to uh remarry remarry. I'm like no, I that's horrible, yeah, but no, I want her to do that whatever yeah, you're dead yeah, I'm dead, I'm just a, I'm a cuck ghost. Yeah, just watching you hear that, yeah, and it's just me crying, leaping in the corner with I'm just a, I'm a cuck ghost.

Speaker 2 4:04

Yeah, just watching. Yeah, and it's just me crying, leaping in the corner with chains. Yeah, dangling from you.

Speaker 1 4:09

No, I, I think, uh, I'm go get married, go have fun.

Speaker 2 4:13

Yeah, go do whatever that's healthy.

Speaker 1 4:14

But don't call him. Don't call him dad.

Speaker 2 4:16

That's important.

Speaker 1 4:18

Yeah.

Speaker 2 4:18

Maybe I'm overthinking this too. I got to have faith that she will. You know, she picked me.

Speaker 1 4:23

You want to hear about the? This is a little right turn, sorry, sad movie alert. Have you ever heard of a movie called my life starring Nicole Kidman and Michael Keaton?

Speaker 2 4:33

Michael Keaton no, I haven't.

Speaker 1 4:34

So the premise of the movie is already sad enough. You don't even need to see the movie. I just tell you the premise and you'll be sad. He finds out that he has a terminal disease and he only has so many months to live. Yeah, also finds out the same day that his wife is pregnant wow, that sucks and so he.

Speaker 1 4:51

It's, uh, us. The movie is about him coming to terms with him. You know him dying, yeah, but it's a series of videotapes that he's making for his unborn child, oh wow, so he's like learn, teaching him how to shave oh you know, like that stuff, like, so you can have super sad.

Speaker 2 5:11

He's screaming at the video camera. Don't call him dad don't call him dad.

Speaker 1 5:16

Uh, yeah, sad movie yeah, that sounds you you weep from halfway through the movie to the end of the movie.

Honest Thoughts on Women in Power

Speaker 2 5:23

It's interesting. After having the child, katie, you've been crying more. My wife and I watched a movie what to Expect when You're Expecting. It was just on TV. Yeah, it's a real gay movie about a bunch of couples having kids and their journeys.

Speaker 1 5:40

Okay.

Speaker 2 5:41

And during the delivery scenes they're so and she, but I just start. I teared up, yeah, and my wife looks over at me and she's like look at you, you fucking pussy, piece of shit.

Speaker 1 5:54

You're fucking pussy, fucking piece of shit. No, dude, I I cry at, uh, uh, what gets me a saint jude's commercials? Yeah, yeah, you show me a little cancer, kid dude.

Speaker 2 6:06

It used to be just grade A comedy, but after having a kid, no, it opens your heart, sure.

Speaker 1 6:14

And you go this is hilarious.

Speaker 2 6:16

Yeah, it's terrible. The world is a terrible, unforgiving, cruel, sad place.

Speaker 1 6:22

It's fine. But you don't have to stay here forever yeah, I mean you can go yeah, whenever you want yeah, whenever you want, you can leave you can hit the hard reset, it's unlike the hotel california yeah, you can hotel life, you can check out whenever whenever the fuck you want yeah, and nobody's people will be upset, but then they'll they'll get over it yeah yeah we're like rains, the sand, you know, and then the waves wash and it's just a new beach all the time.

Speaker 2 6:48

That's it, it's a new beach it's a new beach.

Speaker 1 6:52

It's a new beach it's a new beach. It's a very beautiful beach oh, fuck man how what's going on shit, I've been busy yeah I'm a busy man.

Speaker 2 7:02

I've been up since four o'clock.

Speaker 1 7:04

Four o'clock.

Speaker 2 7:05

Four o'clock, it's still dark then.

Speaker 1 7:08

Jesus Christ, dude Four o'clock.

Speaker 2 7:10

I like the 4 am hour. It's peaceful yeah. I feel, like I'm getting a jump start. It's nice beating the sun.

Speaker 1 7:16

That's earlier than when I was in the military.

Speaker 2 7:18

Yeah, Look at the sky. The sky is dark and I think I beat the sun.

Speaker 1 7:23

Something productive about being up for five hours and it's only 10 o'clock.

Speaker 2 7:28

Yeah, it feels good. Yeah, I bogeyed through work today. It was nice. It does feel good it feels great, Traffic's minimal, I'm in no rush really anywhere.

Speaker 1 7:36

Yeah.

Speaker 2 7:37

But then tomorrow I'm going to wake up at 10. Damn it, fuck damn it fuck shit, shit, fucking tired I'm late yeah, traffic's been blowing ass lately brother, life's been blowing ass life's fine no, it's honestly, you believe all.

Speaker 1 7:55

You just see. You get freaked out. You see the assassination attempt. Now I'm sure you're coming up with some new uh conspiracy theory about kamala no, it's a fascinating. Well, first of all, I don't want a woman to be president uh-huh there I'm gonna say why because in we don't let them play in the nba, why would we let them run the country? You know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 8:18

give me a fist bump, yeah no, that's fucked up.

Speaker 1 8:20

No it's.

Speaker 2 8:20

It's real because we talked about this.

Speaker 1 8:23

Okay, our wives when they have issues yeah they want to vent about the issues they want us to feel you think they're gonna vent like we've had other women in power to feel yeah, how did that go?

Speaker 2 8:34

how?

Speaker 1 8:34

did that go secret service cheetle.

Speaker 2 8:37

How did that go? Oh, everybody's mad at me because I fuck. Yeah, you suck it's her job.

Speaker 1 8:43

she had to go. That's part of the deal. Yeah, no, because she sucked. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 8:48

They just want. They're just going to want to complain about problems and they're not going to solve the problems. That's it. Kamala gets an office. I think that's great for history.

Speaker 1 8:58

So you're what you're saying is the typical like hey, what do we do about health care? Kamala and she's like I don't know, what do you want to do?

Speaker 2 9:04

I don't know well like it's so difficult because, like the republicans, like wow, they're just.

Speaker 1 9:11

If my wife hears this, dude, she's gonna, she's gonna get in a car accident why doesn't she run for fucking president?

Speaker 2 9:16

she, she should run for office, do local office look, I'm not saying all women, I'm just saying the majority of them are like this and get the majority that you've met that you've experienced I'm not right, but you know what.

Speaker 1 9:31

That's a good defense. Yeah, I'm wrong, but you shouldn't be president no one can argue that, because then they go well, blah, blah, blah and you go. I know I'm wrong, I'm wrong yeah, but guess what?

Speaker 2 9:40

she shouldn't be president because she'll suck you sound.

Speaker 1 9:43

Sound like Bill Burr right now.

Speaker 2 9:44

No, I don't hey, I don't sound like him at all.

Speaker 1 9:46

I don't sound like him at all.

Speaker 2 9:48

What the fuck are you talking?

Speaker 1 9:48

about? What are you?

Speaker 2 9:49

talking about. I don't sound like him. I don't think she should be president.

Speaker 1 9:53

All right.

Speaker 2 9:54

But I don't think Donald Trump should be president either. There I said it. He's a stronger candidate.

Speaker 1 10:01

I think he's more american yeah yeah, straight white golfer doesn't get better than that.

Speaker 2 10:09

More real red blooded american than that man the only thing that's more american than that is that country song about that guy.

Speaker 1 10:16

He ain't your dad your dad I'm sad, but I'm buried under a convenience store in tobeka dude, we're gonna start second chance records yeah and it's gonna be on the farm, on second chance farms yeah of course, and that we're gonna hire someone to write that song yeah, it's gonna be a hit yeah don't call him dad dude, that would be.

Speaker 2 10:41

It would be number one I think it would be a good song.

Speaker 1 10:43

Yeah.

Speaker 2 10:44

I've always wanted to get into songs Like that one song, that country song, that's.

Speaker 1 10:47

If you're reading this, I'm already home.

Speaker 2 10:51

Glen Campbell.

Speaker 1 10:52

I don't know who sings it, but the idea it's a war letter and he's writing his mom saying, hey, if you're reading this, I'm already home.

Speaker 2 11:01

Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 11:06

And he's buried in the backyard. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Very sad song just by the name. So that's the thing. The name is important in country music.

Speaker 2 11:12

So what I'm saying is don't call him dad yeah, that's powerful that's that hits every man in the stomach I think the end of the song would be nice is like he's talking because he's writing a song about how he's dead and don't call him dad, but the end he just reveals that he's like I just like getting drunk and chasing beaver, but I'm dead to you, so don't call him dad, I'm out, don't call him dad, I'm out I'm out here, I'm just, you know, I I thought recently and I never really thought I didn't put enough thought into this yeah, how cool it was that my wife, uh, my wife um, is a stepmom and how hard that is.

Speaker 1 11:50

Yeah, like being a step parent is I? I don't wish that upon anyone. I don't, I wouldn't want to be, I would be, I would not be a good step parent. I'll say it no, I wouldn't give a shit yeah, I'd be like huh, I'm sorry, are you my kid?

Speaker 2 12:04

oh, you're not listening to me.

Speaker 1 12:05

Yeah, I don't care, mom no, but my wife dude, she took it full to to raise someone else's child.

Speaker 2 12:15

To be responsible for another child, that's pretty cool yeah, at probably times a little bit more responsible than you.

Speaker 1 12:21

Oh, she picked up the slack oh, yeah, yeah, not sometimes All the time.

Speaker 2 12:25

This is a podcast about how great your wife is, because Janet's a great woman and, honestly, I would check in and be like, yeah, I'm a little upset you wouldn't check in. Of course I would check in.

Speaker 1 12:36

You'd give her an envelope of money.

Speaker 2 12:38

I wouldn't give her shit. I'd ask her, I'd give her an envelope that's empty and I'd be like, can an envelope?

Speaker 1 12:41

that's empty and I'd be like, can you give me, can you uh throw a couple of hundos in here? A?

Speaker 2 12:44

little light. Right now people aren't buying elevators. Yeah, um, yeah, I would totally check it. I would, of course, I would check in I would check in with your wife you're like, yeah, I know you'd check in oh check in like it's a hotel, like a motel.

Speaker 1 12:55

I would check in and out and in and out, and then in for a little while and then slowly out yeah and then back in god damn, and then slowly out.

Speaker 2 13:07

You know what I would do I would check in with your mom and then I'd fuck her in the ass. Yeah.

Speaker 1 13:12

Your mom's hot.

Speaker 2 13:14

You've said that already.

Speaker 1 13:14

I know, have I said it on the podcast? Of course you have a hot mom, thank you. How many times do you think she's had anal sex in her life? I don't know. Do you think she parties like that If she wasn? Do you think she parties like that, like if she was at your mom? And you're judging this lady based off of what you know in life? Do you think she's down to party?

The Duality of Man and Life

Speaker 2 13:39

Yeah, after a couple of pinot grigios she's probably like, yeah, stick it in my ass.

Speaker 1 13:41

Do you think your parents ever did like the swinging thing?

Speaker 2 13:43

That I don't know, but as I've gotten older, I don't care.

Speaker 1 13:47

Sure, I would have.

Speaker 2 13:48

You're like ah, whatever, if I came home and my mom's getting Eiffel Towered by two.

Speaker 1 13:53

By your dad, by your dad or the gym teacher?

Speaker 2 13:54

No, and he's just like pouring wine and got a party hat on Blowing that.

Speaker 1 13:59

I would be a little shocked. Your dad's in a diaper, yeah.

Speaker 2 14:02

He's baby. New Year yeah.

Speaker 1 14:10

That would bum me out. Yeah, now I'd be like, oh okay, it almost makes them more human. Like, oh okay, yeah, good for you guys, cool, cool.

Speaker 2 14:14

Yeah, it's cool to see what my future is yeah yeah, because I'm, I'm.

Speaker 1 14:18

That's where my genes lead, I suppose you know, if I, if my wife dies and I am, I'm and I somehow she dies before me. Yeah, uh, which you know, based off of nutritional facts, that's yeah, not gonna happen. Two of you, yeah, thanks, you're welcome but uh, I want to be put in the senior home early yeah so I'm just getting all the tail. Okay, any tail I want, and I just want to do drugs. I want to be like the drug dealer in the painkillers of viagra yeah, painkillers, viagra, whatever you want.

Speaker 1 14:45

Yeah, and I want all the girls purple dick baits yeah, and I'm like stopping at all the checker games and I'm like, hey, yeah, you know, here's your shit, bob's wife because she has alzheimer's I'm just narrowing all of them like I'm bob now.

Speaker 1 14:57

Yeah, I'm bob now yeah, I'm bob, bob the builder yeah, bob the builder, build my dick in here yeah you're scraggly old I want to do that and I just want to do a lot of heroin yeah, heroin and boner pills and just listen to jimmy hendrix and yeah, I'm just doing heroin in my little fucking senior home.

Speaker 2 15:20

Yeah, keep having strokes because you're taking too much viagra. You're like I ain't slowing down uh, he's slowing down. Uh, that'd be, that'd be cool with your little whiteboard just pussy question.

Speaker 2 15:30

Yeah, because I had a stroke yeah yeah yeah, I don't know that's the thing about dying is, uh, you don't really get to choose how it happens. You can, you try your best, you try some luckies do yeah, like the people who like my sister did she, yeah, well, she's, yeah, well, yeah, that's the it's, either you do it yourself yeah, or you don't, or you just let things figure it out hope you don't piss your family off enough. And they all come visit you hey dad's dying. And then everybody comes and they hold your hand, and then you isn't that beautiful that that's so nice that's what we all hope for and then everybody's sad.

Speaker 1 16:05

It's like why he, he had the best send off wouldn't it be funny, like I don't know, like you're dying, oh man, I don't think I could say this on it?

Speaker 2 16:14

no, no, come on. Who gives?

Speaker 1 16:15

I said, I said I would fuck your mom in the ass I know, but I can't say this, so we'll have to delete it have to say it no, but it would be funny, like you're dying, you know, and uh like my last words are very offensive, oh, yeah, you know? You know what I mean? I'm just like oh, I think grandpa's saying something, what did he say? I think he said what was that?

Speaker 1 16:43

Did he just say that I live for four more years? That would be great. That would be great. That would be great. That'd be so good.

Speaker 2 16:57

Ah see, that wasn't, I didn't say it I said it no, we'll bleep it out yeah, I think I can find a bleep, but not bleep, just uh, I don't trust you, I don't know.

Speaker 1 17:05

No, we'll do it right now. No, no, don't do it now. Let it just look at the time stamp time stamp. It's fine yeah, time stamp it, dan. That's what they say in the biz. The bees.

Speaker 2 17:14

Yeah, the old ts. Wouldn't it be great, though the old ts used to be a transphobe, now it's the time to say a bunch of racial epitaphs. Times are really. Yeah, that'd be great yeah you know it really sucks the fucking irish. Yeah, they're hung like mice and they drink like gorillas.

Speaker 1 17:31

Jesus christ, fucking goddamn irish you looking forward to anything, dan you got anything on the horizon yeah, I actually.

Speaker 2 17:40

I got a commission to build a chair oh yeah first chair I've, like I'm getting paid for okay, so that's, how'd that go down?

Speaker 2 17:49

my boss. Yeah, it's like I need an office chair. He's had like a bunch of back surgeries and I was like I've been coming up, you know, I've read I've read these two guys books about like you know they were great furniture and I've read their philosophies on chairs and I've studied their chairs and I drew out these little patterns and stuff and I was like I think I can make you a chair. And he's's like all right, make me a chair. So I'm going to make a chair and that to me will seem very rewarding.

Speaker 1 18:11

Yeah.

Speaker 2 18:11

I like that. Otherwise I particularly you know doing stand up. I suck, I'm a loser and I hate myself. But, at the same time. Those are old feelings I'm feeling capable, I'm feeling confident, I'm very proud of my life and what I'm feeling capable. I'm feeling confident.

Speaker 1 18:31

I'm very proud of my life and what I'm doing on a daily basis, like helping raise a young life. You should be. I remember when you lived in your truck.

Speaker 2 18:39

Yeah, yeah, it was like four years ago. Yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 1 18:43

Four years ago.

Speaker 2 18:43

And I'm married to that woman and I have a child with her.

Speaker 1 18:45

A beautiful lady and beautiful little child.

Speaker 2 18:48

Yeah, yeah it's yeah, it's, it's uh it's, it's fascinating, that's dope, so it's, it's the, it's the uh, it's the duality of man. You know the ego and then the soul, and they're battling it out, for you know, I feel like it's like our country right now. I feel like we all need to turn jesus christ all right, well, you at you asked I don't know.

Speaker 1 19:06

You talked about the duality of man. What?

Speaker 2 19:08

What's new with you, Josh?

Speaker 1 19:10

No, just I mean Jesus Christ. I just asked how you're doing. You're like the duality of man, the duality of man. See, man is two wolves One is a gay wolf and the other is a straight awesome wolf. Yes, and when the awesome straight wolf goes down the mountain of sorrow, you must feed that wolf pussy goes down the mountain of sorrow pussy.

Christmas, Wanderlust, and Cultural Observations

Speaker 1 19:34

Fresh pussy, okay, all right. Well, no, I, I don't got much. I uh, me and the wife made a huge proclamation that we're no longer, uh, we're not, going to really celebrate christmas anymore. Oh no, I just we're, we're gonna do it, but we're not gonna do it. We're not gonna. No, no, no, fucking. Just listen the war on christmas just stop it.

Speaker 1 19:51

First of all, the war on christmas. You know who came up with that coca-cola. All right, but I digress company, that's true ty cobb invested in the coca-cola he's a good man, he's a fine man.

Speaker 1 20:02

He's a fine man actually conflicting, you know, because he's a bit of a wife beater dude who wasn't back in the 20s yeah, but he, if you're, if you're known as a wife beater back then yeah you must have beat the shit out of some wives ty cobb actually caught, so his dad caught his uh, I know mom having an affair yeah she fucking.

Speaker 2 20:22

She was like oh my god, it's a robber and blew his head off with a shotgun. So his last ty cobb's father's last scenes were seeing his mom getting stuffed from behind yeah and then being like that slut and then creeping in and then she blew his head off with a shotgun. And then young ty cobb comes in yeah and then arguably becomes one of the best baseball players of all time so we're in the white era, but anyway so we're so.

Speaker 1 20:45

So christmas, we decided we're not going to make it like we'll still put a tree up, still do a little this and that, go get hot cocoa and do, but we're going to do less christmas presents. And now on for christmas, we're going to go on vacation. We're going to go different places around the world really doing it up.

Speaker 2 21:04

That's fun yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 21:06

And so we're like, instead of gifts, yeah, instead of blowing all that money on fucking toys, yeah, have an experience. Have an experience, you know, let these kids see some shit. You know that's nice. So we're going to start this year and we don't know where to go. We have a list of like 10 places we want to go, but we don't know where to go for this Christmas and it's tough. Israel, israel. We're going to go to the home. Yeah, actually, we're going to go to Gaza, gaza. Yeah, really cheap places to. Yeah, really cheap hotels in Gaza.

Speaker 2 21:36

Right, now Really cheap hotels, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you pay for them.

Speaker 1 21:40

Open air. Open air hotels.

Speaker 2 21:42

Open air Natural. Yeah, that's exciting though.

Speaker 1 21:50

I think that's exciting, though I think that's a good idea to have the experience of going to a place. Yeah, we just don't know where we're going yet. Like we, the things on the list right now is do a little river cruise in europe, you know, see some shit uh, dublin. And then wales, I'd like to see wales, yeah, um. And then, you know, do some caribbean shit, yeah, um. And then you know, there's places in america. We want to go to the grand canyon, we want to do dc underwhelming, the underwhelming, the grand canyon actually was great.

Speaker 2 22:17

I was high as shit when I was there oh see, yeah, yeah but I, yeah, I had a underwhelming time there I had a time table so I was like we gotta go oh, driving cross country, uh. So you looked and you're like, okay, we gotta like very viciously high yeah and we drove up and you, then you, all of a sudden you see the grand canyon. You're like this is amazing. But then you stand there and you're like, all right all right.

Speaker 1 22:39

Well, I guess you guys ready yet. Yeah, I guess we go now. Yeah, I'm kind of hungry yeah, chicken tenders or something.

Speaker 2 22:46

Yeah, yeah, grand canyon, I think it's something you should see. Mount rushmore something I want to see I don't care about mount rushmore. It's man-made from like 50 years ago yeah, it's amazing, though they made that in the 40s or the 30s I don't remember when it was, I think it was the 30s I don't think we call it mount rushmore anymore, do we?

Speaker 1 23:07

is it? Is it now? Do we call it, uh, by its indigenous name? What I don't know.

Speaker 2 23:13

I thought like that's what the deal was, or peak colonizer, peak no there's one there's one where they're making a chief yeah, ahead of a chief like they've they things keep getting stalled. I think that was happening around the same time. But yeah, like the native americans themselves, it's just speaking of that, what happened with harriet tubman?

Speaker 1 23:32

wasn't she supposed to be on the five dollar bill or the one dollar bill or something, and that was like news for a while and then it went away. I haven't seen harriet tubman on a fucking on any currency yeah, I wouldn't mind.

Speaker 2 23:44

Uh, harriet tubman, yeah, I think. Correct me if I'm wrong yeah, but some people wouldn't want her on the the money because she's black. I'm sure it might feel some sort of way about that yeah I'm not spending black money, you know that's great. They can give it to me yeah, I'll take that I'll take that harry tubman please, fucking retard, I'll take your dumb yeah, I'll take your money.

Speaker 1 24:08

And then they are handicapped and then you feel bad I'm like oh sorry oh, I didn't know yeah, but a handicapped racist person.

Speaker 2 24:13

What do you do with that?

Speaker 1 24:16

uh you know, yeah, what do you do with that?

Speaker 2 24:19

what do you do? I don't know just kind of pray about it no, you just tell them that's not nice that's not nice. Yeah, you know it's not nice. That's not nice. Yeah, you know it's not nice.

Speaker 1 24:33

Puerto ricans, hey, we at tubman on the fucking dollar bill see, now we're gonna dude, you're gonna have to bleep this out I'm not believing it out no, no, I'm playing a character all right.

Speaker 2 24:43

Why can tom hanks do it?

Speaker 1 24:46

but I can't I don't think forrest gump was your son's different. He's different your, your mom really cares about your education. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 2 24:59

Hey, here's my problem before his comp he's just sitting out on a swing staring at the crickets just hearing his mom's getting railed oh yeah, for his education yeah, to get him through school yeah here's my problem with forest gump jenny.

Speaker 1 25:16

How did jenny die well do aids.

Speaker 2 25:18

I looked this up okay, so they were going to make a second forest gump and they were writing it and everything like that and it's very sad. The second forest gump is very sad. It's literally just forest and little forest dying of aids together and what's forest going to do?

Speaker 1 25:33

explain aids so here's the thing, and they never say it yeah she had sex with three guys in the course of like 40 years of well, that's what they showed us yeah, but now we're just, we just all assume she's like I'm dying, forest I got this virus she doesn't say that there's still I have this virus or yeah, she's just I'm dying forest. She says and we're like, ah, she's a slut, she has a virus I don't believe it.

Speaker 2 26:01

She was banging an intravenous drug user, jenny. Look, jenny wasn't this. Who? Who wasn't?

Speaker 1 26:07

back then.

Speaker 2 26:08

Forrest. You know what he was doing. He was working on a shrimping boat.

Speaker 1 26:12

I'm just saying we just assumed she was a whore and we're like, ah, she had AIDS, she was a whore, she had sex with three guys. That we know of. That we know, see, that's.

Speaker 2 26:24

Why do we think she was a whore Brother? She was playing a guitar with her top off. She's hanging out with the Black Panthers doing acid in the Capitol and she's getting the shit beaten out of her by that guy Wesley. And she still sticks around, not to mention the stuff that happened in her childhood which could create a hypersexuality that could be perceived as a response to that trauma. And on top of that she's banging the dude with a mustache who's shooting up it's not more believable.

Speaker 2 26:54

She just had ovarian cancer she would just say I have ovarian cancer. She goes I have this, it's this new illness. She says I have this new illness, we don't know what it is. You ran across america. Does she say this? She does say this. This is confirmed. I watched forrest gump recently.

Speaker 1 27:10

Very funny movie you know, in the in the book. I read the book yeah, the book's great he's a professional wrestler yeah, in the book. And then he goes to the moon yeah, and he has a pet monkey yeah, from the the moon mission. Yeah, yeah, it's really dumb.

Speaker 2 27:26

And he gorilla fucks Jenny in his apartment.

Speaker 1 27:31

It's a whole scene.

Speaker 2 27:32

Yeah, no, I remember reading it because I loved that movie as a kid and I used to listen to Dwayne Eddy's Rebel Rouser at night because I wanted to be Forrest Gump. I didn't want to talk as much. I wanted to just live through action and be pure and nice. And then I read the book and it's like it's really dumb, he's like I fucked her on the sink, I fucked her in the closet. Yeah, I mean he's, and he's like six foot six it's nothing like the movie. No not at all.

Speaker 1 27:56

It's amazing how these screenwriters got to forrest gump yeah it's actually amazing they even came up with that. This is a funny. I'm gonna steal someone's joke local, uh, matt dietrich. I'll give him credit for the joke. He has a joke where he says we see this movie where a guy has some type of mental handicap and he befriends a woman and they fall in love and they have sex a couple of times throughout the history of their lives.

Speaker 2 28:25

She gives them AIDS and then they have an AIDS child.

Speaker 1 28:29

But imagine if the movie was switched where she was handicapped.

Speaker 2 28:35

Yeah, it's, some guy was just railing yeah her jenny, yeah coming in and out that's not the same type of movie she's just sitting out in the rain with a box of chocolates and then he comes back from his night out on town and then yeah, and then doing drugs, all right, she's like fucking come in, jenny, like god damn this girl and she's like I love you I love you for us and he's like you, ever been with a guy it would be, it would be unwatchable.

Speaker 2 29:07

Give me that gnarled. Yeah, it'd win an oscar. It would not it would. It would be the bravest movie ever made no, the other way around, though, completely acceptable yeah, totally fine totally fine yeah, because he's a dude who gives a shit yeah if it's a good thing, if anything, they're like, thank god, somebody's having sex with that mentally handicapped man yeah you know, that's wild very that's really fun, yeah you reverse the roles and that's why a woman shouldn't be president.

Speaker 2 29:37

For that reason right there, because we naturally need to protect them more. So we need somebody to protect the country. How can we have somebody who needs to be protected from predatory Forrest Gump? That makes no sense to me. I get it. I think that logic checks out.

Speaker 1 29:56

All right, I'm looking this up right now.

Speaker 2 30:00

Look it up, Dude. I read, I bro. I read this what oh shit is your mind being blown? Your mind's being blown right now. You're seeing the truth, I'm watching it and you're denying it. I can see in your face no, I don't like the truth, because the truth is what I told you she died of aids and they were going to make a second movie I think there's a second book that was written, but I'm not entirely sure that I don't know but I, the screenwriters, talked about it and they said here you go.

Speaker 1 30:38

The unknown disease was intended by winston groom, the author of the original novel, to be hepatitis c I'm talking about winston groom. We're talking about the quote the unknown virus until defined in 1989. Some makers of the film have said they intended for the unknown disease to have been AIDS. Thank you. So some of the makers of the film have said that they intended for the unknown disease to have been AIDS, so I'm going with the theory it was hepatitis C.

Speaker 2 31:08

Yeah, because you never give me.

Speaker 1 31:11

You know who also had hepatitis, who also has that pamela anderson does she yeah, did she die?

Awkward Childhood Memories and Innuendos

Speaker 2 31:18

no, no, about an event and she wasn't wearing makeup and everybody's like yay oh, I'd be like boo in the back, where's your makeup? Yeah, yeah it doesn't matter the 90s were wild nobody's look. I was like when I remember. I remember back in middle school there was this glorious time where we were, we were learning about computers. We had the colored max.

Speaker 2 31:42

You know the backs would see through and they were like red, white and blue yeah, you know, and we could go on the internet and you could search carmen electra topless, anna nicole smith or pamela anderson yeah and we weren't looking at him for their faces yeah, you're just looking for some titties looking for some sandy tits, yeah when I so.

Speaker 1 32:01

I'm a little older than you so smith early internet it was very hard to get porn ah very hard to get, just images even yeah and they would do that thing with the line where they just line down slowly and, man, you would look for titties and then, like your parents were coming home, yeah and that line was coming down and you're like having to be ready to turn that computer off yeah, I remember I was sitting in.

Speaker 2 32:26

Uh, we had like a study yeah the tv. My brother was watching tv and I was on the computer and I just typed in boobs on the family computer and I started like looking. I was like whoa and then all of a sudden my mom comes in. She's like it's time for bed and I'm trying to exit and the computer froze.

Speaker 1 32:44

Oh shit. So there's this. You didn't unplug the TV, or did you not have the wits to do that?

Speaker 2 32:49

I'm looking, unplug the, or did you not have the wits to do that?

Speaker 1 32:51

looking, I'm like I'm going like this, and then, yeah, I hit the, the power button, and wiped it man yeah, I one time uh that was scary so my dad had some magazines oh yeah yeah, in the old closet, his little treasure trove. Yeah, so when they would leave, when they're like, hey, we're going grocery shopping, I'm going to the treasure trove like I'm doing some shopping myself yeah, I'm gonna do a little shopping, and so I would go find this magazine and one time I put it out on the kitchen island, yeah, and forgot about it, went and played some video games did you have your time with it?

Speaker 1 33:21

well then, I think so. I think that's what happened afterwards you're relaxed, I'm relaxed, I'm having a good time. So then my parents come home. They're like my dad's, like, hey, help us with the groceries. I'm bringing in groceries and I see the magazine yeah and I'm like oh no, well, I don't know what to do. And then my dad came in and the magazine was right there and we didn't know what to say to each other and we never said anything about it.

Speaker 2 33:46

Wow, yeah, it was weird if you could talk to him now nah might have nothing to say you like those tits?

Speaker 1 33:54

huh, yeah, you like those tits. Yeah, no, they were like heavy metal magazines. The cart, the little comic book oh, that's like uh white anime yeah, yeah, back in the before, yeah, anime was getting big yeah oh that heavy metal, uh movie yeah, yeah she'll take you there.

Speaker 2 34:14

Any cartoon characters ever got your goat?

Speaker 1 34:18

oh, I'm sure dude rabbit oh, jessica rabbit just grab it.

Speaker 2 34:22

That was a big aerial fan, dude.

Speaker 1 34:25

Yeah, once she got legs oh yeah, she wasn't bad you know who I thought was hotter was ursula. When she became human, oh, she had the dark hair. Oh, yeah, dark hair yeah, and she had her voice and everything. She's a mean bitch. She had kind of hot.

Speaker 2 34:38

She was a little sluttier yeah, oh yeah, I mean she's a fat octopus yeah, so when she has a hot body, she's gonna use it get some dick on land yeah yeah, dude, I was.

Speaker 1 34:47

I was a huge fan of that interesting.

Speaker 2 34:49

Yeah, I've already talked about nala nala.

Speaker 1 34:52

Oh yeah, that got weird hottest lion ever yeah am I into lions? That's just weird that it's in a disney movie. It's g-rated, and then the music is. You know, elton john yeah and then there's a scene, you know, he pushes her down yeah and nala gives him that look and we know it's a universal look. Go for it, go for put, stick it in. Yeah, she literally said without using words yeah, stick it in simba your shorter tail in me simba yeah, put that your red knot into my thing, though.

Speaker 2 35:25

It's like lion vagina yeah, and when the whole like nickelodeon, they were like things were actually a lot darker than they. You know, behind the scenes things weren't good. It's like, yeah, of course, all these kid shows are made by adults. It's like when you're a kid and you're watching a kid show, you're like, oh, it's a kid show, it's a kid show and you almost think you're like, yeah's, kids are making, like there's kids in the boardroom being like what should we put with the squirrel?

Speaker 2 35:53

you should have a little, but it's adults, yeah, being like bye, honey, I'm off to work. I'm gonna go make content for uh children and hang out with children all day and uh, I love my job and uh yeah I love children nothing strange about that. There's a, there's a, there's a. I wanted to do this bit where I was like thank God I never married a teacher because I couldn't deal with getting cucked out by a high school kid.

Speaker 2 36:23

Yeah, like that would be. How do you? You don't recover, so people that's the ultimate cuck. Gym teachers always weirded me out why?

Speaker 1 36:32

what? What makes you want to do teach physical education to like middle school kids? I get it. If you're like a high school coach for a football team, that makes more sense. You're like, yeah, I gotta get a job.

Speaker 2 36:41

No, I love, I love the sport.

Speaker 1 36:43

It's there's a but a middle school pe teacher it is strange they're all weird they're all weird there's not a normal gym teacher that teaches seventh grade boys no, no, we had mr markowitz and he had a.

Speaker 2 36:58

He had like a crew cut. He'd wear the short 80s shorts like he was an 80s dude yeah and he spoke with a lisp, but he would let us play dodgeball I bet he did because this was the trans transitory period where dodgeball was becoming a politically incorrect game because people would get hurt and stuff like that. But he was like nah playing dodgeball. Dodgeball is a good dodgeball is great it teaches you character.

Speaker 2 37:21

He spoke with lisp, but the weird thing was is that that's this is the time where we're changing in the locker room and all that stuff, and he would just like stand in the locker room, be like come on, boys, let's get ready. Come on, change it up, let's go. And and I was just like every day he comes into work and it's just like I gotta get these boys to change quicker, which I guess is good that he wasn't like take your time yeah, either.

Speaker 1 37:47

Either way is weird, but it's just strange. Someone's got to do it, I guess.

Speaker 2 37:51

Yeah, and that's not what I. I've never had that passion where I was like I want to coach, I want to teach Jim and I want to teach him how to change after Jim. That's so bizarre.

Speaker 1 38:07

I think you know, teaching to me is bizarre in a lot of ways. I mean not only just that that that one's disgusting, but the idea that, like I want to teach history to children, like, oh, what do you know about history? I took a class in college.

Speaker 2 38:20

Yeah, that's about as much as I know. I have a cursory knowledge of history. I wasn't good enough to teach it in college, but I I'm good enough to teach it to children yeah, it's weird it is uh what's funny? Because my sister wants to teach uh and and uh. I will say her uh intentions seem pure she's a female.

Speaker 1 38:41

The male teachers are a little weirder male teachers are weird.

Teachers and Memories

Speaker 2 38:45

They are weird, yeah, but it's like having a male gynecologist same thing male teachers in high school not as weird may I say it again male teachers in high school not as weird okay, yeah, yeah, like a third grade math, a third grade anything below. That is weird. I'm you're a suspect in my book. I get it. You're strange. I don't understand, like I don't understand your we go, we go to.

Speaker 1 39:13

We go to work to get away from our children yeah, not to go see other people's kids. Be with your children yeah, with them at their work, all of them in a room.

Speaker 2 39:24

I want to lure. I think it's a power thing. I think they like, they're like, look at these little fucking kids. I know so much more than them yeah because he there's terrible teachers out there every now and then you'll get a good, yeah teacher. I never had a good. You never had the one middle school teacher. I had great high school teachers. One high school teacher I'm still in contact with that's not weird like, send me a photo no, let me see my coach.

Speaker 1 39:51

He helped me with math I wasn't good at math and like dan, you want me to show you how to do? Uh, I'll show you how to do the brush algorithm theory pythagorean theory pull your pants down.

Speaker 2 40:00

I'm gonna write the equation on your butt. Little white butt ears. No, but he was like. He was like a mentor to me. Yeah, I was like I want to get good at this sport and he's like I'll help you get get good. That made sense and he kept me on the straight and narrow. He kept me in line.

Speaker 1 40:14

So here's my thing. So mine was Mr Tegan, social studies, and he taught a. We were like in an advanced reading class with him in eighth grade and loved him Very passionate, just a passionate teacher. He got me to do speech and debate in high school and theater and he was the reason I think I am who I am, because of that guy. So one night I was thinking about him, just going oh, mr Tegan was so great. You know what I'm going to do. I'm going to write a nice long letter to him telling him how much I appreciate him. Not only that, but I remember graduating high school, different district. He came to my graduation. I hadn't seen him in five years.

Speaker 2 40:54

And.

Speaker 1 40:54

I was like what are you doing here, mr Tegan? He's like I came to see you and I was like, oh my God, wow. So anyway, fast forward. This was about five, six years ago. I was like I'm going to write him a long letter tell him how much he meant to me, and I think that something to him so uh, a couple of years prior to that I had the same feeling.

Speaker 1 41:15

I just never did it. I looked him up, found him. He's up in new England now back home, and he was teaching at some like all boys school. And uh, I uh went to write him the letter and I was like let me go find his email address, let me go look at that, you know, google him again. Heart attack died Damn Now.

Speaker 2 41:32

I never got to thank him yeah that sucks yeah sucks bum. That's a bummer. Yeah, life goes on.

Speaker 1 41:37

And then I fucked his wife yeah, then I, then I got her where she I taught her some history, the history of judge's cock that's right and mine was mr fine and I had him for freshman math and he coached me uh high school swimming.

Speaker 2 41:52

He coached you. But in my class I was in a lower math class and there was a girl in my class who had uh down syndrome- yeah and uh, her mom was like a hold on.

Speaker 1 42:05

You were in the same math classes as someone with down syndrome. Yes, I was all right that fact was this this explains so much more now that fact was. This is why you say the word retard, I think no because I think you're angry dan no, she has down syndrome I think you're angry that you were in the same math.

Speaker 2 42:23

The teacher had the same expectations of you as someone with down syndrome. Yeah, of course, yeah you were.

Speaker 1 42:27

You were having problems with the same arithmetic, yes, as someone with down syndrome well, she thought her backpack was her wife and I couldn't figure out math so we're like really. Yeah, we're kind of did she ever help you out like on a math problem?

Speaker 2 42:41

she's like you carry the yeah, she would, she would point. She's like you're a fucking retard. Look at you, you can't figure this out. No, but he would always, he would, he would, he would always give me shit about it.

Speaker 1 42:52

Yeah.

Speaker 2 42:53

He'd be like you know how bad at math you are.

Speaker 1 42:56

Look at her over there. Yeah, exactly, and she's just sitting there.

Speaker 2 42:58

She'd be like combing her backpack. He's like look at you. And that made me feel I liked that laugh that we could share together. Yeah, he's like you're not an idiot and I was like but. And he was like you're not an idiot and I was like but and he's like oh yeah, you're not good at math, yeah, but yeah, no, is it that that made me?

Speaker 1 43:18

uh, I needed that I was never good at math either. Math was like the thing where I'd be in class, like in pre-calculus. You know, we're doing the, the slopes and defining slopes, logic, yeah, whoa, hey. But we're doing that and, uh, I'd raise my hand, I'd be like what is? The number one really mean oh, you're like uh, yeah you know, and she's like josh, shut the fuck up pretty much. You know, she's like you're getting way off task one yeah, why is it one, hi josh?

Speaker 1 43:47

and that's and I would my head would get wrapped around really dumb things, and those are important things, though I mean there's people who dedicate career like their life to that to proving why a number is a number. I didn't like it.

Speaker 2 44:01

Because we just accept that today is the 25th. 25th day because we counted 25 days in this month and X, y, you know know. But why is 25 25? That is a very high question. Why is 25 25 man? I yeah, I don't know, don't make no sense don't make no sense, man yeah, it's good to have a teacher. Teachers like that are so important and I think there's not enough of those teachers out there. I think it's mostly just like people who like are mediocre.

Speaker 1 44:33

It's like military, it's the military. It's the same thing. It's like I didn't have a plan. Let me fall back on this.

Speaker 2 44:40

I'll just be, I'll teach.

Speaker 1 44:41

Now the ones that are hey, they're superheroes. Good for them. I'm really glad we have the ones that want to do it like your sister. There are good teachers out there absolutely, but it's like cops most of them are bad. Oh, that's a good laugh, yeah sorry.

Speaker 2 45:03

Yeah, that's a good thought I don't know what to do. I don't think he listens, nah, not at all it's fine yeah, whatever it doesn't matter he's one of the good ones yeah, he's a good one yeah, of course there's very few good ones there. There are so few good ones. Now, here's the thing yeah is a female teacher who bangs one of her students. Okay, is she a good one?

Speaker 1 45:24

is she a good one? She a good teacher? No all right she's a abuser.

Speaker 2 45:29

She's abuser, Do you believe that in your heart of hearts or do you go?

Speaker 1 45:33

I think it's abuse. Yes, but I would have loved to be one of those kids.

Speaker 2 45:37

I would love, yeah, that flagellation, that abuse.

Speaker 1 45:39

Yeah, I only had a couple of teachers that were hot. I didn't have many hot teachers. Miss Greco, my kindergarten teacher's hot, but in high school I didn't have many hot teachers. Mcgonagall yeah, she was hot.

Speaker 2 45:49

Oh, yeah, oh yeah, she was the first I was telling.

Speaker 1 45:52

She's probably in her 60s or 70s.

Speaker 2 45:54

The bartender. Now Downstairs I was telling her about my first like sexually charged dream. Yeah, I guess you could call it that.

Speaker 1 46:03

She was holding you in a cave.

Speaker 2 46:06

She was holding me in a cave, we were both naked and she was just pressing me against her big milky white tits and I just felt so safe and stiff as a bull.

Speaker 1 46:15

You still remember that to this day.

Speaker 2 46:17

I remember waking up being like that was cool and that would be nice, and then I'd see her in the hallway and I'd blush. She'd be like look at how fucking ugly you are with your red hair.

Speaker 1 46:27

Yeah, you little fucking idiot kid.

Speaker 2 46:30

I'd go rub myself against a locker or something. Now, this is no because this was like kindergarten or something like that. This was, yeah, this was young yeah I remember that wrestling chicks were cool too.

Speaker 1 46:43

I remember like wwe, like wrestling chicks, yeah, big tits and I thought you meant there was always like a girl on the wrestling team yeah, she's like hey come here and she's always like she was, like the assistant coach. No, you didn't have that Like every year we had a female wrestling team. We didn't. We had a male wrestling team, but like the one girl was on the team, I don't have trouble. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 47:04

There were some teams where there was like a water girl Maybe something like that.

Speaker 1 47:08

Yeah, I don't know if it was the coach's daughter or just a chick that liked to wrestle and she didn't get to wrestle.

Speaker 2 47:17

Women don't do this.

Speaker 1 47:18

It's kind of weird in high school we're like no.

Speaker 2 47:21

Yeah.

Speaker 1 47:22

Yeah, I want to wrestle, Kamala should be president. We don't let them wrestle in high school.

Speaker 2 47:27

We don't let them be president, yeah, exactly, call me old-fashioned, but if you're not getting cauliflower, you're on the mats with the fellas.

Speaker 1 47:35

You ain't running this country, all right, jesus oh, I really hope you go back and take out those words.

Speaker 2 47:46

Yeah, yeah come on, josh, who am I? Am I your buddy? I want you to have a good life. You do all right just the process.

Comedy Show Updates and Jockey Banter

Speaker 1 47:55

What, what, what time? We, we good, we're good.

Speaker 2 47:57

This is a good episode all right, this was good sure yeah, I guess we can call it that yeah, no, it was a great episode.

Speaker 1 48:04

So, hey, we got shows, we're at wits end. Yeah, yeah we got a secret show tomorrow, dan Tomorrow Dan Sweeney's on it.

Speaker 2 48:10

Yeah, I am on it.

Speaker 1 48:11

Yeah, and then this weekend Lace Larrabee.

Speaker 2 48:14

Yes.

Speaker 1 48:15

I mean if you listen to this podcast in the next few days. But yeah, lace Larrabee is this weekend. I am featuring for her.

Speaker 2 48:21

Nice.

Speaker 1 48:22

Yeah, I'm saving that money.

Speaker 2 48:23

I'll try and come by.

Speaker 1 48:26

Yeah, dude, and the troops, yeah, um, and then after that we got a bunch of other shows coming down the the pipeline yeah as they say come to whitsand.

Speaker 2 48:34

It's a good time so matthew broussard for joe zimmerman.

Speaker 1 48:38

You never answered me. Oh, you did. You said broussard yeah, all right weird that we're having that on the yeah I mean, I don't think joe zimmerman's gonna be upset you don't think so I don't think he's gonna hear this you never know joe, if you hear this, let us know yeah you know, I mean, that wasn't my decision no no we'll never know your decision, what it was I don't have a choice.

Speaker 2 49:02

I don't have a horse in the race.

Speaker 1 49:03

Yeah, that's not true. What do you mean I do?

Speaker 2 49:05

you got a jockey I got a jockey, all right yeah, you do a little man who likes prescription pills and loves riding a horse.

Speaker 1 49:13

Jockeys are crazy people yeah, anyway, we'll save that for next time yeah, hey, god bless America. God bless them, dude.

Speaker 2 49:22

God bless America, bye.