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Lowcountry Lowlifes
Maybe the greatest mediocre podcast you've never heard. Listen to comedian Josh Bates and Dan Sweeney talk about something and nothing all at once. Insightful? Maybe. Entertaining? Kinda. A waste of your time? Absolutely. Oh....and Dan quit the show
Lowcountry Lowlifes
Bats, Bigfoot, and Broken Hearts
Can Bigfoot have a love life? What if your private phone calls were too juicy for public ears? Join Josh Bates and Dan Sweeney on this rollercoaster episode of Low Country, Low Lives as they navigate from the whimsical to the heart-wrenching. We start with laughs over mythical creatures and our own controversial conversations but soon find ourselves deep in raw honesty. Josh shares the emotional turmoil of losing his father while wrestling with their complicated relationship. Parenthood isn't left out either, as we recount the hilarity and frustration of Josh’s son missing his first college class.
Get ready for bizarre encounters and misadventures galore! From an unexpected bat infestation that led to hiring an eccentric removal expert, to the wild times running the Whitson Comedy Lounge, it’s a mix of chaos and joy. Hear about Dan’s wedding, featuring a near medical emergency and wardrobe controversies that add a flavor of unpredictability. We tackle the ever-relevant topic of a healthier lifestyle, discussing the pitfalls of stress-induced eating habits and the moral dilemmas of our dietary choices—all laced with humor and candid anecdotes.
Finally, we broaden our scope with fascinating discussions on historical dietary habits, the health hazards of microplastics, and the unsettling rise in cancer among men. Reflecting on the Aurora shooting brings out our aversion to crowded spaces and certain movies, but we lighten up with Sarah Watson’s expert take on horror films. The episode wraps up with some sage advice on comedy club etiquette, the ethics of tipping, and the importance of genuine connections, all while savoring a unique gin-based cocktail. Dive in for a blend of humor, honesty, and camaraderie that promises to entertain from start to finish.
hey, this is uh, this is dan sweeney and this is Bates. Welcome. I don't like being you.
Speaker 3:You know you didn't feel good when you said that I'm Dan Sweeney.
Speaker 2:All right, I'm Josh Bates, that's fine. Hey, thanks for listening. You guys Thanks for tuning in. So you know, I'm not going to listen to that NPR episode or that murder episode. I'm going to listen to Josh and Dan talk about Bigfoot fornicating with the Loch Ness Monster, because that's what we do here at Low Country, low Lives Welcome. I think we've talked about everything on our podcast.
Speaker 3:Oh no, there's a couple things we haven't we haven't touched on. Yeah, and it's good that we don't have those conversations. Can you imagine if we had our phone calls and published them?
Speaker 2:No, we would be persona non grata. Yeah, we would. The term canceled wouldn't even be yeah, used, ostracized entirely.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there would be pitchforks from our families, our friends and the government and society. Yeah, yeah, they would. We would be shunned.
Speaker 2:They'd be like don't what we can't have yeah, what you just said is illegal in 11 states there'd be a big debate about the first amendment if our phone calls were released. Like you know, I'm okay with people saying things, but those things I didn't even realize this should not be said yeah, like you can't say fire in a theater no you can't say the shit that josh and dan say yeah on on the phone nope, you can't say that no, I I don't like it when I'm on the phone with you and then I have like the window rolled down.
Speaker 3:I'm like getting yeah, I gotta look around yeah, I gotta look around too. That's not good we have a safety word for when we know we're okay, yeah, and we can't even say that no, because we shouldn't. It's a secret password too. It is a secret password. Once we said it, people would be like, oh, it's no longer a secret Dude, I'm in a bad mood.
Speaker 2:Oh, do tell Well.
Speaker 3:What's going on?
Speaker 2:I mean not to get. I don't completely take over this podcast, please, uh, no, I I have a fucking kidney stone. Oh, I have a uh, enlarged um appendix. Appendix yeah, and my dad died, yeah, all in the same day that's a it's a day yeah, and then on his death certificate yeah, same day my sister died.
Speaker 2:That's weird coincidence I don't know, I think not yeah, and then what's weird too, is in tennessee, so he died. We assume that he died from like a heart attack, uh-huh, uh, not 100 sure, but yeah. So they go and do an autopsy and you think they're going to do like this full-fledged autopsy to figure out what happened yeah, like a full mystery yeah, like what's going on yeah, they don't do that.
Speaker 3:Found a sock in his ass.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they do just a pure external.
Speaker 3:They'd like give them once over.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they do a check and then after that, um, you know, if you want to do more and there's they don't feel there's any suspicion, then you would have to like pay for that.
Speaker 3:So they walk in and they go, yeah this is what happened. Yeah, it looks like his heart killed him. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's been a difficult two weeks. Yeah, you know it's been weird. You know I have very weird feelings. Me and my dad didn't have the best relationship as an adult or, of course, as a child. Yeah, so it's weird. It's not grieving, but it is grieving. In a ugly cried, you cried, oh, ugly cried. Wow, I don't like to vomit and I don't like to cry. Yeah, because it's painful to me physically yeah, I'd rather cry than vomit both are equally painful to me isn't it weird?
Speaker 2:it's weird yeah and uh, I cried, I let some out, but then it was like snot and oh wow, the headache you try and hold it oh yeah, no, you got to release that, oh you, I can't. It's like saying I'll just throw up, you'll feel better.
Speaker 3:Well, not with that attitude.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can't do this yeah, and then so, and so that's going on. And then you know my son's off to college being a jerk off, yeah, just doing dumb shit. He's fine already. You know he's like first day of school today. Yeah, I hope you listen to this podcast, elijah. Yeah, first day of school. Today's a fall semester. Uh-huh, starts the fall semester. We have a once a week we call them, yeah, and say, hey, how's things going? Do you need extra money for laundry?
Speaker 3:you know that kind of shit, it's not going towards laundry, no no, it's going for some natty lights.
Speaker 2:Hell yeah, brother, but uh, today was his first, no, excuse me, yesterday no today, yeah, today's monday. Today's monday, monday, shit, today's monday, still monday. So today was his first day of school and he missed his first fucking class. Slept in nice first day, yeah you know, he missed his first fucking class Slept in Nice. First day. Yeah, you know what that shows me. I don't give a shit.
Speaker 3:Although I will say he might be playing the smart game, because old Danny Dick cheese over here, first week of college, first week of classes, yeah, that's where people are moving classes around so they don't really take attendance. Yeah, no, I get it, and so you can kind of squeeze in there, no, no you can play it fast and loose and then you can, I'm sure. No, I actually I actually am taking this class and uh, yeah, it's a, I think he's.
Speaker 3:Oh, I just added this class so if he's doing what I was doing I hope not he will ideally get sober at some point it'll be on a podcast at a comedy club one day. Yeah, he will fail, Dude.
Speaker 2:maybe I need you to talk to him.
Speaker 3:No, he's not going to listen to me.
Speaker 4:Have you ever heard of these things called quaaludes? Drugs and alcohol ruined my life but it was amazing, but it was a good time, yeah.
Speaker 2:So that's all happening at once. And then I have fucking termites. Yeah, so that that's all happening at once. And then you know, I have fucking termites. Yeah, I have bats in my house. I'm trying to sell my house. I have bats, jesus, I have bats I. I.
Speaker 2:I dropped off the batman, no well I did yeah so I uh, I'm getting groceries out of my car, a fucking f 850 pulls up next to my house and he's's like hey, man, I'm like hey, he's like you got bats. And I'm like what, what are you talking about? Peels off. Yeah, and he peels off and he's like well, I know that sounds weird, but I live about five houses down and we've been watching the bats at dusk coming out and we walked down to the street to see where they were coming from. We took this video. Yeah, he showed me this video and it's the fucking bats going into a soffit, into my roof. Oh shit, like hundreds of them.
Speaker 4:Oh wow.
Speaker 2:So I had to hire a bat guy. Yeah, the Batman, the Batman, there's one Batman and he's like a redneck. Santa Claus yeah, that lives in Cottageville, I bet. Yeah, that lives in cottageville, I bet. And he's like, well, I can be down there about a week from now. And did you be dabba dooba? And then it was mating season for the bats oh, so they're just fucking up there they're fucking and you can't kill them or remove them.
Speaker 2:You can't move their nests during mating season. Says who? The bat police dog? The government, fucking, government dude. Not only are they controlling your vagina, yeah they're controlling your bats. God damn it. Yeah, that's where the buck stops it's like you could. You could be in charge of my wife's uterus, but don't tell me what to do with my bat nest although it is a bit uh, there's a bit of some consistency where they're like you cannot abort any bats.
Speaker 3:No bat abortions.
Speaker 2:No bat abortions. Well, you can.
Speaker 3:Oh, you can.
Speaker 2:Yeah, In this month you can.
Speaker 3:In the first trimester of the bat pregnancy, you can Apparently, you can kill the bat.
Speaker 2:So I got that going on. And then, of course, I own this little place called Whitson Comedy Lounge. Yeah, it's been a trip. Yeah, it's been fun. You're having a time, I'm having a time the weekends. I live two different lives, right now at the club the weekends. There's literally 100 people here having a great time, laughing their ass off, enjoying it, just fucking. It's great, great shows. The turnouts have been amazing. The the city is really supporting us, especially because we haven't really advertised a lot highlight of your life.
Speaker 2:It's been great except your children being born and raising them, and this last weekend I literally I headlined a show at my own club. Yeah, to a sellout crowd. Sorry I couldn't be there that's fine, dude, and I and I was glad.
Speaker 3:I'm glad she feels fine actually she was completely fine I made.
Speaker 2:I made it up because you left my wedding early all right, so we're gonna take a pause on my shitty life right now, yeah, and we're gonna talk about your wedding, yeah. So I went to your wedding and I felt, hold on, before we even get there. I was honored, yeah, because I was the only local, yeah, you were the only person in charleston, yeah, to be invited to your wedding. You were, uh, that was outside of the family it was friends and it was like family and then meant a ton to me yeah and even, like I thought, I was hoping to be your best man, but then of course, the brother.
Speaker 2:Yeah, gotta have to it's the best political play. If you have a sibling, make it your sibling and I respected that and I knew I was like you know what. I bet if he wasn't, I think I'd get the nod yeah, but it doesn't even matter. But anyway, I was honored to be there. Sure you were so during your ceremony yeah, which was beautifully chaotic because, of course, of the the weather it was may and there was like a small typhoon that came in a small typhoon it was like 60 degrees, raining, sideways wind.
Speaker 2:Yes, and you guys had a wedding outside and we did they tinted it to the sides. Yeah, they made it great and everyone. It was a beautiful wedding. It worked out. You cried, I did cry, you cried, your wife cried. The audience were in tears it was a beautiful wedding, all right.
Speaker 2:Towards the end of the ceremony I had a pain in my chest as you do and then my anxiety raised because I'm like how horrible of a wedding will this be if I pull attention away from the wedding and like and die? Not die, but just be like, oh, I got chest pain, dan. Yeah, oh fuck, I don't know what to do and I don't know anyone at your wedding. I'm there by myself, yeah, yeah in cargo shorts.
Speaker 3:I swear to god, this is the argument cargo shorts not wearing cargo.
Speaker 2:My okay, first of all, I would never do that. That would be disrespectful to your wedding. Second of all, my wife would have never let me leave the fucking house. Oh, she would.
Speaker 3:Not in a million years. She's like whose wedding Dan's? Ah, fuck him, fuck him that fucking fagula.
Speaker 4:That fagula, fuck him. Who gives a shit?
Speaker 2:No, I'm telling you I did not. I wore khaki pants or jeans. I wore khaki pants or jeans. It was one of the two.
Speaker 3:It might have been khaki, I could have sworn it was shorts, because I remember I was standing, I was staring out, I was watching people come in and I was like my God, you know.
Speaker 3:I'm going through with this. And then you just came like everybody's dressed up and then you came in Derpy, derpy, derpy. You had a hat with a propeller on, you were wearing like a oversized polo and I swear I was like, is that guy wearing fucking cargo shorts? And then I was like I I really couldn't have. I was just glad you came. I was like I'm glad he's here. And then you know we get married.
Speaker 2:It's uh what kind of shoes would I have worn?
Speaker 3:you weren't sneakers.
Speaker 2:I swear you're wearing sneakers I was not wearing sneakers to your wedding you were wearing no way, look brother it's sad. You know what's sad about it what even, even if I could prove to you somehow yeah, in your mind, your mental image, yes, is your buddy wearing shorts and fucking some asics to your fucking wedding.
Speaker 3:Asics are fine. I'm wearing asics right now I'm just saying not for a wedding you're not. Yeah, I think you probably know better. You probably put on your best, shiniest jordans no, I had, I know exactly.
Speaker 2:I wore my brown loafers this was the best part.
Speaker 3:You actually were probably wearing that, that in a polo it was a, it was a striped polo I would never wear.
Speaker 2:I would never wear loafers and shorts okay, you weren't wearing shorts, you're goddamn right I'll give you that all right cargo pants.
Speaker 3:But the best part is after we go out to the front, we're taking the pictures katie and I were sharing our right after the wedding, I mean right after the ceremony our post, uh, ceremony sig, and we're like man, that was fucking crazy, this is.
Speaker 3:And then all of a sudden we see josh's car just peeling out through the dirt and then just drive off into the distance and I was like I think josh just left. And then, uh, he's like yeah, he did leave, that fucking piece of shit and fucking fucking josh like I just nearly fucking fucked this wedding up.
Speaker 3:I think I texted you and you were like I'm on my way to the hospital. I was like, oh, I'm having chest pains. I was like that's not common for you, that's not like a thing for you, it's not just a daily thing when you have to take a shit, Josh. You fucking smoked for 40 years and you drink mountain dew for breakfast, lunch and dinner. What are you surprised? But yeah, yeah, so. And then we couldn't. We never danced we never danced.
Speaker 2:I didn't get a dance with you. No, I wanted to cut your wife, yeah, and be like, excuse me, excuse me, ma'am, and then straight, twirl me around around like a beautiful the beautiful bride I am yeah, it's a beautiful bride, but I honestly don't hold that against.
Speaker 3:It is fun to hold against you, but I, I personally- don't, I didn't know it would upset me this much yeah, it's fun because I'm right, you know I'm slightly right because you did, I was, I was underdressed, I totally, I totally.
Speaker 2:I remember going god damn it, I'm underdressed because I did wear just kh.
Speaker 3:Remember going God damn it, I'm underdressed because I did wear, just khakis and a button down. Yeah, you wear cargo shorts and Jordans and a backwards hat. And then I think you got there and you're like I don't know anybody and I look like a fucking idiot, fucking, idiot, oh shit. Chest pains, chest pains, and then you just pulled out of there I'm gonna pull medical records.
Speaker 2:Please, yeah, please, oh yeah, wait for the next. Oh, I'm.
Speaker 3:I've been waiting for those medical records since may 26th oh yeah, brother we're 23 man yeah but yeah, no, it was. It was a nice day and I'm glad you could be you could be beautiful and and I and. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:The best picture at your wedding you did.
Speaker 3:Yeah, besides the ones, the photographers, no, that one that one, if I let me doctor a little bit. Is this the one where I'm like smiling?
Speaker 2:It's the one where everyone is like doing the ceremony, and you're looking out, yeah, and you're smiling, yeah, innocent smile of just pure happiness. The last time I was truly free, I don't know, you might have, might have said your ideas by that point.
Speaker 3:I don't know. No, I don't, I don't know. Yeah, I don't remember it was a beautiful wedding.
Speaker 2:Thank you, I appreciate that. I'm very appreciative that I was there and I'm very sorry and it's okay.
Speaker 3:No, no, it's fine. Fuck your mom. Yeah, I was there. No, she, she was upset.
Speaker 2:That's honestly why I'm bringing it up oh she, I mean she's like, who was that? Well, she did that little thing rubic man who left early she did that little thing on my you know shoulder yeah, where she just kind of traced it with her finger yeah and she looked at me and then she did this like sucking motion yeah, I was like my dad was giving you a thumbs up. He's like yeah, yeah, well, he did a binocular thing and pointed back and forth. He's like hey, yeah, it's nice.
Speaker 2:All right, so back. Let me get back on my selfish train for a minute.
Speaker 3:My dad's dead. My dick's fucked up because of stones.
Speaker 2:I got thick stones. I got thick stones and they hurt. They hurt so bad.
Speaker 3:So have you passed them yet? No, you're just holding on to them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like your tears, they're in my bladder.
Speaker 3:You just got to let them go. Man, are you taking the Flomax yet? I mean I should be a fucking doctor. I mean, come on.
Speaker 2:Jesus Christ. So I don't even care about that right now. I'm talking about the club's been great on the weekends. Yeah, it sucks balls during the week.
Speaker 3:Uh huh.
Speaker 2:And I'm not blaming the comics. The comics are like the basketball team, uh huh. You can't blame them on the stadium, okay, or your attention, well, you can blame them on your attendance, but that's where I'm going.
Speaker 2:There are so many talented comedians, yeah, in this area, yeah, that are no longer coming out none of these motherfuckers are coming over on the weekends, yeah, and it, and to me it's alarming that we don't have a culture of comedy here that support the club yet. Yeah, or, like, I assumed that people would want to be around it a little bit more. Now I'm saying all of this. There are people and there's new people that are coming to our open mics and it's creating a good vibe. They're good. They're good people.
Speaker 3:The nigerian tonight. The nigerian tonight was amazing, that was amazing.
Speaker 2:I don't know his name, but he was fucking james, he was awesome. I loved that. Yeah, he was great. That was fantastic, yeah. And then even the other guy, the guy that went right before me. He did fine for his first. That was great, yeah.
Speaker 3:But what the fuck I get what you're saying.
Speaker 2:It's very. It's like hey, I built this for you. And they're like yeah, we're good.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they might not care.
Speaker 2:Maybe that's it. Maybe I need to stop caring that they don't care.
Speaker 3:Oh, of course you should do that. Yeah, that's hard.
Speaker 2:I don't know why I get so mad about it.
Speaker 3:You're a sensitive soul, what you want people to be around. You want to have a place where people feel safe and then ultimately it's fun and people can have a good time. And the more people who are in here laughing and having a good time and then the more people who are doing that and getting better at that, I mean it just it's like, uh, it's like compounding interest yeah, no, you're right.
Speaker 2:I just I expect more from the community of comedians. Like it's weird to you. Can't be a an amazing comedy scene, an amazing comedy club, without a local scene. Yeah, and I want our club to be a local, supported by really good local talent well, you know what they say expectations are just resentments waiting to happen say that again slowly expectations are just resentments waiting to happen. You're 100% right. It's tough. So he's tough. Sorry, I'm eating a Slim Jim Speaking of chest pains Like a new Slim Jim Slap into a.
Speaker 4:I don't get it, man. I just like I eat clean, I exercise.
Speaker 2:So here's the thing Like I have too much stress right now, yeah, I have too much.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm, I don't like it. I think you have a perfect amount of stress. You think so. I think without stress, you wouldn't do anything.
Speaker 2:No, no, I mean thank God I'm actually doing all of this. This is making me a healthier person. Can I?
Speaker 3:say something. Say it and I want you to take this not the wrong way.
Speaker 2:Say it don't spray it.
Speaker 3:You need to be healthier. Yeah, you do, but this is the thing that I hate, because everybody tells you what you need to do and they're not living your experience. So and I'm guilty of that, but I'm going to say it anyway- no, it's easy.
Speaker 2:It's not easy and it's very nice of you to say something and be concerned and I appreciate that At the same time. Here it is the excuses. No, it's very challenging. Having the condition I do where I can't like, cardio is almost nearly out of the question yeah, you can't push yourself and that's that's weird, to not be able to do those at the same time.
Speaker 2:You know, the mental aspect of it has taken a toll for years where I was just depressed, just living in bed and just being upset that I'm in this situation, which just made it worse, and that's when I gained some weight.
Speaker 3:You're like Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. That's what happened to him. He went crazy.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And then after, because he tried to compete with the Beatles back in the 60s and then they lost, he thought the beatles won and then in the 70s he just got like addicted to cocaine and eating and then ballooned up to 300 pounds.
Speaker 2:yeah, not that you're that but oh god, I mean, he's far more talented. Yeah, 300 pounds would be scary, yeah, but um, so it's hard, it's. It's interesting to hear people say well, you just need to get healthier yeah and it's like dude. If you only knew how hard it is to do the things that I'm doing now yes, that's true like it's hard to, I'll go fuck myself, yeah no no, no, no, no again.
Speaker 2:Like I started the conversation, I said I appreciate the concern and yeah, and you're right there, you have a very valid point. But it's.
Speaker 3:Do you struggle with impulse, with eating not? And I'm not saying this like in terms- of just eating the shitty things, because I do that no, it's real simple.
Speaker 2:My, my issue is I I don't eat for the entire day because of stress, and then you gorge, and then I gorge at 1 30 in the morning, oh yeah, and I eat half a bag of chips with cheese and queso and and then I go to bed and then I'll wake up two hours later. No, not even that I'll eat more beautiful, and then I'll go to bed and then I won't eat until that night. Yeah, um, yeah, I mean that's that, and there's literally like a ravenous owl yeah, I'm not burning a lot of calories.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um. So I need to eat healthier, I need to eat. I need to dictate how I eat based off of my calorie burn but the late night eating it's.
Speaker 3:That's never the time where you're like you know what, I'm gonna have a salad or I'm gonna. I'm gonna have a nice cut of meat with uh when I was in shape, though I mean there's time.
Speaker 2:I mean I would. You know, it's not hard to have a, a fucking basket of fucking grapes in the, in the fridge, yeah, and then you just grab a fucking handful and fucking take them to the dome yeah, I think that's.
Speaker 3:It's one of the things that make me. It's like, it's a weird thing that, like uh, makes me sad. Yeah is when I have to throw some fruit out yeah, because you're like, you're a perfectly good fruit and I don't and I just I actually wanted to do a bit about this. Can I run it by you?
Speaker 3:yeah I was gonna say it is a thing like where, like my wife, like we, we buy some fruit, you know, and you throw it out. It makes you feel sad. So I was gonna say one of the things that makes me sad, you know, as an adult, is when I gotta throw some fruit out, and I don't mean some gay guy, that's like living in my attic, I'm like you got to get out of here. I mean, like you know fruit, like you know raspberries and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:That was the that's the bit, that's the whole thing, it was a yeah Play on a little misdirection. No, if you have more to it, I think you could explain how there's many opportunities to go for that, that fruit. But yeah you didn't yeah and do some, yeah, you didn't feel guilty when you, when you were eating those chips instead of or that donut and yeah, because eating a donut's not a sin no eating pork, on the other hand, is um I'm feeling weird about pork.
Speaker 3:You feel weird about pork.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I honestly, I feel bad about eating animals. Oh, but I enjoy. I love the taste of meat.
Speaker 3:My body has enjoyed flesh yeah, so it's so good that that overrides the guilt yeah and that.
Speaker 2:And then I feel guilty about that because it's very cruel. And to know that we, as humans, can, we don't need to be omnivores. You know carnivores? No, no, what's both, when you're herbivore and a carnivore omnivore? Yeah, we don't need to be omnivores, we can just be herbivores herbivores yeah, or you know nuts and you know because. Well, hold on. So most like uh. Studies show that cavemen weren't their meat, wasn't, they would have meat very, not very often sparsely yeah I mean, it's what you could catch, yeah, so it's not like they one.
Speaker 2:I think it depends on where you probably lived, but at the same time it was very sparse yeah so you're eating a lot of nuts, you're eating a lot of bugs, you're eating a lot of fucking. You know that kind of shit yeah um, but whatever. But back to the whole fucking weight thing. Yeah, yeah, the weight thing sucks. Uh, it's getting better. Yeah, uh, and, and I'm way more active than I have been in the last four years yeah um, so suck my dick, dan, okay what I'm getting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, no, I mean really please.
Speaker 3:I love the way you lie it. That makes me believe. What are you saying? Nothing, dude.
Speaker 2:I believe hear me, what do you, what do you mean?
Speaker 3:I, for the sake of this podcast, yeah, I'm gonna say something cunty to you. No, that's fine. That was what I was saying. I love the way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, totally no, I, I think I still need to. Uh, I need to wake up. You know the thing I have made a joke about it. Yeah, uh is there's no such thing as old, fat people no there's no 80 year old, 275 pound guy yeah, they're dead, yeah, they're all dead they've been dead for a long time yeah and uh, I think it'd be cool to see a comeback.
Speaker 3:It would be inspiring.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, it would be. It would be fun. I thought you meant to be 75 and weigh that much.
Speaker 3:That would be cool too. Like just a really fat old man.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that just doesn't happen, just like. But I just got it. Your heart's like fuck this.
Speaker 3:What are you doing to me? I'm not putting up with this anymore. The only people that live older are like.
Speaker 2:I ate one can of green beans every day.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there's like this guy who, like I don't know if this is a feeling and it's totally not based on science or anything like that, so it's most of my thoughts is I feel like drinking plastic bottled water is worse for you than smoking cigarettes.
Speaker 2:Oh, because of the microplastics. Because of the microplastics. Yeah, microplastics are creepy.
Speaker 3:I felt worse after.
Speaker 3:Sometimes there was a bottle of water in the car and I'm like I'm I'm really jonesing for yeah, I need a thirst quencher right now yeah, there's just a plastic bottle just sitting in the sun all day and it's kind of, and you pick it up and it's like it's like weaker than it used to be and you drink it and you're like, oh god, yeah, you get hydrated, but I feel like something bad is happening inside of me, whereas with a cigarette I knew something bad was happening to me, but I I was like, okay, I know, this is like, I know what this is, I know this fee. I'm getting at least a buzz from it. There's no buzz from the microplastics on 60 minutes.
Speaker 2:They said they did some. I don't know. Some scientists got together and pulled their calculators out and they said that cancer cases in men and shooting up, yeah, the next 20 years is going to go up like 70 percent.
Speaker 3:Yeah because of microplastics. Feel that you feel that little vibration this have you ever been falling asleep and you feel like there's an earthquake going on?
Speaker 2:uh, no, I do that. I. I wake up feeling like I'm falling, yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, oh shit.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That happens to me a lot.
Speaker 3:I have some times where I'm like there's definitely an earthquake right now and I don't know if it's just like I'm vibrating.
Speaker 2:You should look it up. Yeah, pull up Twitter X or whatever you want to call it.
Speaker 3:Write that down and then somebody will be like you're gay.
Speaker 2:No, there might have been. Like I think there might have been an earthquake tonight. Oh, you think.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think there was. Oh, I thought you were talking about my condition, where I think there's always Sometimes, I swear, I'm like there's a small quake going on right now. You don't feel that, I don't feel this now. No, I felt the one earlier. I felt the one, something's going to happen.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, there was a seven something 120 years ago in. Charleston.
Speaker 3:We have a small little fault line out here With big problems.
Speaker 4:Yeah, small fault line, big problems. Small fault line, big problems, big problems.
Speaker 3:Dude, we were bathing the baby the other day, that's what you got to do that's good, they get covered in shit and piss and you're like you're right, we got to hose you off and I turned on the bath water. And this is after her, debbie. Yeah, it's fucking brown. We had the same problem. And then I look up on the water thing. Oh God, it's fine.
Speaker 4:He's fine.
Speaker 3:He's brown water. What's your problem with brown water? They're like it's got a lot of magnesium and sulfamidamide, but you know what? It's fine, this is fine. And I was like I don't think it's fine. No, but they're not going to be like hey, the water's fucked.
Speaker 2:So the cutest thing, my daughters. They get in the bathtub together.
Speaker 3:Nice.
Speaker 2:And they have a bath. Yeah, and it's adorable, it, the little little one fucking loves it. Yeah, it's the highlighter today. Turned on the water, same thing, yeah, brown water. And I was like, get out. They're like no, dad. And I'm like, no, it looks like fucking pee, it's a brown water, it's a brown water. You get out, get out of the water. So, yeah, that sucks. I'm in a bad fucking mood, dan can I say something?
Speaker 3:I had a thing about context. You know, some people like you say horrible things on stage and then people go you said horrible things and I go. No, the context was of trying to make you laugh. I remember, like when we were, when I was a kid, and like in my old, old family photo albums there's pictures of us, yeah, as children taking a bath. We're all naked, little children, yeah, taking a bath. Yeah, now in a family photo album documenting childhood. That context it's sweet's sweet, it's innocent. Right, if I was to take that picture and then sell it on the dark web all of a sudden it's the same thing, but the context has changed. Now it becomes an illegal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, like if you leave that album out and you lay it on the coffee table and it's open and I am jerking off in your house and I decide to walk into your living room and start jerking off. That is there and I'm jerking off.
Speaker 3:Context. Context dude.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm glad you talked about that man.
Speaker 3:Well, I was just trying to you know context. No, you're right, context is everything. Yeah, I'm in a shitty about that man. Well, I was just trying to you know context. No, you're right, context is everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm in a shitty mood, but not really A shitty mood A shitty mood.
Speaker 4:Because the brown water, the brown water.
Speaker 3:I think you're going through a lot right now. I think you're experiencing a bit of mortality.
Speaker 4:A little bit.
Speaker 3:I obviously upset you by bringing up the wedding, which I bring up, the wedding which I will continue to do until we both die, because it's fun. And then I think, yeah, you're probably a little disappointed with how things are going here during the week I'm gonna wear a full suit at your next wedding.
Speaker 2:Don't say that, okay, I meant, I meant when you renew your vows, dick oh yeah, we might do that, bless you yeah, ours was 10 years this year. Wow, do you do anything? No, nice, we don't do anything. That's what's interesting about me and Janet. Yeah, is you know? People are like, oh, janet and Josh got their shit together. Yeah, we never go on vacation and we see all these people of less uh means means than us. Yeah, just have the fucking time of their lives. And what do you make of that?
Speaker 4:debt, yeah, and sometimes I'm like man it might just be worth. You know that that's a mindset that easter egg that we have. Yeah, it might be worth it.
Speaker 3:Let's burn it down to the ground yeah, I think sometimes it's uh, debt really is a mindset, you know, because those people it's like those, it's like those instagram people. They're like you buy one property, take the equity out of that property, put it in another property.
Speaker 4:Before you know it, you own 400 houses. Yeah, or you go to the bank, you take out a 10 zillion dollar loan and then you just slowly pay that.
Speaker 3:It's not my money, I'm like, but you're in a ton of debt and they're like that's a mindset. It's just a mindset, that's all it is. You're hearing creepy crawlies going on out there.
Speaker 2:Well, it's 12 o'clock, it's closing time.
Speaker 4:Closing time. Time to grab and talk.
Speaker 3:That, uh, I sang that.
Speaker 2:I know who I want to take me home.
Speaker 3:That song Shorten and Bread.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I love that song.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I sing it to my baby all the time you said that on the last episode did I yeah, we started the episode.
Speaker 4:Mama's little baby loves short and short and mama's little baby love short I would sing rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, over and over even in july in march.
Speaker 3:Really, yeah, it didn't matter why, because it's a long song okay, yeah there's like three, there's three, uh, there's three, uh, I guess sections, not choruses yeah but there's three sections to that song. The reason I looked, looked into that song. I got into a real I'm in a real beach boys kick right now. I love the beach boys. No, if you get a look into this, you gotta look into these guys tracks, the deep cuts I.
Speaker 3:So brian wilson went and he's like a musical savant he really is. If you listen to some of the beach boy songs, there's a lot of complexity in their melodies. There is listen to good vibrations. Uh, you know other shit? And um, he became obsessed with this song, shortening bread, in the 70s because in the 70s the beach boys, like all like, became addicted to drugs and shit like that. Yeah, he got addicted to cocaine and cheeseburgers, like he loved to eat, and he became obsessed with a song called shortening bread Bread. And at parties, like he was tripping with John Lennon and Harry Nilsson, you know everybody's talking at me, you know that song and.
Speaker 3:Charles Manson. Yeah, no, charles Manson had already been arrested, but we can go into that real brief. But he would play this song, shorten and Bread, over and over at parties. And there was one time he was hanging out with alice cooper and iggy pop two hardcore rock guys, right yeah and he keeps playing this song over and over again and iggy pop had to leave the room.
Speaker 3:He was like this guy is driving me insane, which I think is so interesting, because iggy pop's like a dude who would like cut himself on stage and like shit and stuff, like a real extreme guy and the leader of the beach boys was too much for him to handle mentally. I find that so fascinating. It's pretty legit. Dennis wilson, the other one it was the one who hung out with charles manson like picked up two of the manson chicks, because back in the day you just hitchhike and the manson girls were just like you want to play with my hairy vagina yeah, like once upon a time in hollywood yeah, and he was like, oh yeah, sure, and they took over his house and stuff like that, and uh, eventually he had to like higher security and like kick them out.
Speaker 2:This isn't the Western little ranch they lived on.
Speaker 3:No, this isn't spawn ranch. This is Dennis Wilson's house in Malibu.
Speaker 3:Got it and he found him on like the PCH and then, like manson would like bring over more girls and they would just suck off dennis wilson, you know. Yeah, and then he told him about songs and I think they kind of they hung out a bunch, um, and dennis wilson manson told dennis wilson he's like I've like dennis wilson said he saw charlie manson kill someone like at a I think it made him it might have been at spawn ranch and then didn't do any. He's like it was fucking crazy, you know, and didn't say anything about it. And then the murders happened and he felt really bad about it. And then he kind of just spent the rest of his life drinking and doing Coke and doing heroin context and then he drowned himself. He drowned to death. He also told everybody he was raped by a black man to death. He also told everybody he was raped by a black man, like that was one of his like go-to party stories in this one time he's, one time in an alleyway yeah, he would tell everybody he was like.
Speaker 3:And there was some guy like his biographer who was like I don't know if, like, it can't be verified that this happened, but it was definitely like a fantasy of his. But you don't think of that with the beat like Aruba, Jamaica. Ooh, I want to take it, and then you know, everybody knows, that's where you are.
Speaker 4:A little place in Indiana.
Speaker 3:So yeah.
Speaker 2:God damn it.
Speaker 3:Dan Love the Beach Boys.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't get it. I mean, I need to listen to some deep cuts. Send me some songs. Yeah, short, damn it. Dan Love the Beach Boys. Yeah, I don't get it. I need to listen to some deep cuts.
Speaker 3:Send me some songs. Yeah, short and Bread is really.
Speaker 2:Because everyone talks about oh yeah, the Beach Boys are great.
Speaker 3:I'm like suck a dick, no it's like I like in listening to them, in that there's a good movie called Love and Mercy too, with John Cusack and Elizabeth Banks about. I too with john cusack and elizabeth banks about. I hate john cusack. He's fine in that he's a horrible actor, he's great in hot tub, time machine that's it.
Speaker 2:He's good in love and mercy too.
Speaker 3:Okay, and being john malkovich, he's good in that he was fine and being john malkovich, but being john malkovich itself was.
Speaker 2:I don't like him. Okay, you know, and I thought forever him and joan cusack were related. They're not. I don't think so I'm pretty sure they are, are they? Yeah, are they cousins or something? They're not brother and sister.
Speaker 3:I'm pretty sure they're brother and sister.
Speaker 2:What do you think about Maggie Gyllenhaal when they replaced Batman yeah, she was a weird choice for a Batman movie, katie.
Speaker 3:Holmes's.
Speaker 2:I mean, I was a fan of her during the dawson creek times, but after that I didn't ever think of her romantically yeah like in the dark night, you weren't like.
Speaker 3:You're like oh, that's just that no, I didn't get anything attractive faced woman with a nice body compared to like 10.
Speaker 2:I mean 20 years before that, when it was kim basinger she's really young no, kim basinger oh, kim basinger, yeah fuck, she's a classic beauty.
Speaker 3:Holy shit la confidential. Oh yeah great fucking movie yeah great, what a great movie.
Speaker 2:That is a good movie, what a great. Can we go see a movie then? Rolo tamasi, yeah sure, let's go see a movie. Ah, come on in, come on. You know you want to sit in here, don't lie, come in, sweetheart so take a seat our greatest bartender on the planet, sarah, is here. Sarah, hi, sarah, hey, sarah, you want to. You want to hear us.
Speaker 3:This is amazing hey, do you like the beach boys? Okay, I like the song I love the stones.
Speaker 2:The stones don't get the the satisfaction they deserve. You know what I mean? I think they do. You get that, she got that yeah she got that. I can't get no satisfaction um, we need to go to a movie together what movie? I want to go see the aliens movie okay I appreciate aliens movies. I like them, I love them. I didn't like the alien versus predator movies, but I enjoy a good alien movie okay, I might check it out.
Speaker 2:Did you like Prometheus? My dick gets hard thinking about that movie. It was such a good movie and everyone hated it.
Speaker 3:Loved it, really Loved it. I'm not, I don't care.
Speaker 2:You're indifferent, yeah, let's go see the movie and then, yeah, you don't care. Yeah, all right.
Speaker 3:You know what I want to see? What Reagan with Dennis Quinn.
Speaker 2:Have you seen that new religious movie? It's like I can't even describe it, so it doesn't matter. What is it? It looks it's like some black kid on the streets and he's not doing well and then he finds like his mom and grandma are praying for him and then he finds Jesus, the Pursuit of Happiness like his mom and grandma are praying for him, and the pursuit of happiness. Oh no, no, it's very religious. Okay, yeah, it looks jesus what's wrong with that?
Speaker 3:nothing's. What's wrong with black people praying? You had an issue with that. Of course I do dan, come on now.
Speaker 2:Black people shouldn't pray, all right you said it, I mean I. I think it's beautiful no, I don't know my favorite on this tangent one of my favorite things.
Speaker 3:I like going going to church on Sunday and then driving past all the churches and seeing the black people going to church.
Speaker 2:I think that's nice. You liked enslaving them and then putting your religion on them. I didn't enslave them.
Speaker 3:That's not true, my priest is a nice Nigerian fellow, that's true. He always touches my baby's head, that money yeah, how much are you paying?
Speaker 2:how much overall? Do you think it's my tithes? Yeah, to get that baby baptized? Yeah, how much is this gonna look? Can I guess first?
Speaker 3:I give, like uh, anywhere from a dollar to five dollars per what. What am I scrooge, mcduck?
Speaker 2:it's called a tithing because you're supposed to be paying a tenth a tenth, a tenth of your wealth am I? Yeah, well that's what they say yeah, fuck them.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm doxing, I'm taking a percentage off for all the kids. They did all you're giving a dollar or two, that's it a dollar to five dollars so probably, when all is said and done, anywhere from probably like 250 dollars to for eternal salvation for my daughter how many times are you going to church?
Speaker 2:Are you going to church every Sunday?
Speaker 3:I've missed a couple.
Speaker 2:So how much have you paid so far? Like 50 bucks, $50, $60?. Yeah, I threw a 20 spot in there once because I couldn't break it, just tell them hey, can I give you like 200 bucks and I don't have to come.
Speaker 3:I thought about that and I was doing this thing where, like sometimes I would just go and I'd go late and then I'd just throw the money in there. Throw the money in and leave and then people were like when the fuck and I'm like I'm, I'm on a mission here.
Speaker 4:Yeah, they know I'm on a mission from God to get.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think it's ridiculous. First of all, I don't think like you should be so judgy or like make me work this hard to get my daughter cleansed from original sin I don't know, I think I like it's a hedge. Ultimately it's. It's like a weird irish catholic guilty head.
Speaker 2:No, I love it just like in judaism, like you don't just say, hey, I want to become a jew, like you got to work for it I think it's easier.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think it's probably easier to be catholic and cat yeah it's not like they're quizzing me on anything yeah they're just like all right, you're coming and giving us money, that's fine.
Speaker 2:What I love about jews is that they're not trying to go and spread the word of judaism to the world so like when you're like hey, I want to be a jew they go, really oh really no, they go.
Speaker 4:Why, yeah? Why do you want to do this? You want to be part of this yeah, why do you want to suffer?
Speaker 2:um, anyway, we jumped into religion.
Speaker 3:I don't know, whatever what's wrong with that we?
Speaker 2:went from alien to jesus? Yeah, same thing we brought up the movie about the yeah, you don't want to go to a movie with me?
Speaker 3:I told you I'd go see reagan with you.
Speaker 2:We need to support reagan is that like one of those, like truth? No, it's like a biopic about ronald reagan yeah, I know, but like dennis quake from, like truth from the from the producers or from the daily wire comes reagan yeah yeah, no, I don't know what it is they should make him like a ripped, like arnold schwarzenegger, you know, like ronald reagan yeah because that's how they act well, it's dennis quade they act like ronald.
Speaker 2:You know, I remember being a kid in the 80s and my parents would make they were republicans and they made fun of Reagan. They're like, oh, he's just this old guy who doesn't know anything. Yeah, and that's how it was. In the 80s no one liked Reagan, no. And then all of a sudden he became like this Christ figure in the in the well, because the economy was so good. They're like see, see no, they just didn't have anybody and they're like. I guess we'll just say he was good.
Speaker 3:Well, he cut all the funding for hospitals and now all the crazy people are out, and then that's that's why we're in the situation we're in right now school shootings be happened because of ronald reagan dude, I'm telling you, school shooters, we wouldn't have any if we just let them be serial killers like they got to get through
Speaker 2:high school and then go be serial killers no, we don't have the.
Speaker 3:This generation doesn't have the patience to be serial killers they're not in the long game. They're like let me just shoot my wad now yeah, exactly, let me get all my kills in one fell swoop. Yeah, they're not gonna blend in and become a milkman they don't want a cool name like the night milkman no where they go and steal milk and milk kill a woman and cut her family off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, wear them, yeah, like what happened to that?
Speaker 3:yeah those are the good days those were the good old days where you could leave your window open and someone would crawl in and kill you and masturbate in your face?
Speaker 2:yeah, but no, now they just shoot you in school that's honestly why I don't like going to movies yeah, you never know, you never know it might be our time yeah, that's the thing that's going to suck. It's me and you watching aliens together.
Speaker 3:Well, I remember I went to the third Batman, the one with Bane, yeah and I got real high before it and I was sitting in the front row and I was like I feel like something's about to happen and then nothing happened. Did we watch the movie? But then morning the whole Aurora Colorado thing happened and I was like I'm a psychic, I'm a fucking, I know when bad things are going to happen. Yeah, it was really bad. Confirmation.
Speaker 4:I'm pretty much a clairvoyant.
Speaker 3:I pretty much know when shit's going to go down. It's not just really bad anxiety.
Speaker 4:This was the best weed I ever had in my life.
Speaker 3:Yeah, every time this is magic weed. I'm not even stoned anymore. I go, I'm around a crowd, I'm like, I don't fucking like this I don't like this and then some do you like crowds in the world? I fucking hate crowds. That's why, like after a show or something like that or like a concert, yeah, you're all like shuffled out I hate it.
Speaker 2:I hate sheep. I don't want to be a sheeple. That's all you're doing. Yeah, I don't. I don't like it. Red and circus. So we're not going to movies. No, I'll see a movie with you. I'm not watching Reagan. Okay, that's fine. Now, if there was aliens in Reagan, I would watch it.
Speaker 3:Aliens in Ronald Reagan's ass.
Speaker 2:What movie, oh, mars Attacks.
Speaker 3:Oh, Mars Attacks was great.
Speaker 2:That did have Reagan played by the guy from the evil dead no, that wasn't that was jack nicholson, yeah, it was jack yeah, he's kind of a reagan guy hey how's it going? When did the guy from evil dead play the president? He played the president in something. Who's the guy from evil dead? I don't know his name. The guy from the evil dead movies. That's his name. I think that's on his birth certificate. I don't know who this guy is. The guy from the Evil.
Speaker 3:Dead movies. That's his name. I think that's on his birth certificate. I don't know who this guy is.
Speaker 2:The guy from Evil Dead. She knows who I'm talking about. How are you? Come on over, come here, sit on the couch please. I feel weird that you're just here watching us. This is Sarah Watson. Sarah, this is. I gave her full name, her Christian name. Welcome, welcome to the podcast. Yeah, come sit down. I've never seen the Evil Dead, don't? It's really a waste of time. They're not that great. They're not that good at movies. It depends on if that's like your vibe.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 5:That's like your vibe of movie.
Speaker 3:I don't like gore, I don't like gore, I don't like gore and the devil, I ain't the devil. All right, he's slowing down. A woman used to call me the blue-eyed devil.
Speaker 2:The blue-eyed devil yeah.
Speaker 3:I got blue eyes.
Speaker 2:We already know I have blue eyes, because they're fucking gorgeous.
Speaker 5:Are you Catholic or Jewish? I'm.
Speaker 3:Catholic. Do I look Jewish? I do look a little Jewish. You don't spend money, that's for sure. Oh God damn.
Speaker 2:Jesus Christ, holy shit, our podcast just became. Oh God damn.
Speaker 4:I thought I was a very generous tipper, but apparently oh, jesus Christ, Apparently, I'm a real mishugana.
Speaker 3:oh, what are you looking for? Is that the one.
Speaker 2:No, that's the serial killer one.
Speaker 3:No, no, no, that's the theme song there, it is, there it is.
Speaker 1:You can't hear it no, you gotta get some of this.
Speaker 3:Yeah, check that, check that out yeah, this is.
Speaker 2:This is when you said that, when you were like yeah, there you go this is you when you just said that? Yeah, yeah, that was just a big old fat wet shit yeah, you just shit on our podcast and was like just shit on me. How is?
Speaker 3:shitting on you. What? Because? And she perpetuated a jewish stereotype that they're, they're cheap they're fish.
Speaker 2:They're very frugal people jesus christ, we just fucking derailed, oh man, yeah.
Speaker 4:Well, there goes my I guess I'll spend more money. Stop sorry, jesus christ. I guess I spend more money and people will wreck me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we can make fun of asian, but not the jews that was my, that was your jew, that was my due.
Speaker 4:Oh shitty brown water. Oh shit, cover my daughter, give her regions.
Speaker 2:Baruka time I die at a heavy malacalum.
Speaker 3:Cavita fish. See, I'd rather the Cavita fish.
Speaker 5:Speaking of Batman, that shooting happened on my birthday.
Speaker 3:Did it, yeah. What's your birthday? July 18th? July 18th, yeah, 2012.
Speaker 5:Yep, that's when the movie came out. That's all I wanted to do for my birthday, yeah, and the next day that happened. And you're like fuck this.
Speaker 3:Yeah, fucking ruined movie theaters for me. I mean I've still got to move, but I have this anxiety in my head that something bad will happen. But honestly I don't know if this is a testament to friendship and stuff like that. I would feel basically even you. I would feel more comfortable going to a public space like a movie. I'd be like these guys have been through the shit and if they're not nervous then I'm not nervous so I'll tell you, we haven't been through any movie theater shootings no, I know, but you've been through, uh like the military and shit, yeah, military stuff.
Speaker 3:You've been through military stuff, yeah no I feel like you guys have a good sense of when shit's about to go down yeah yeah, but then if shit went down, that's not even because of war.
Speaker 2:That's because when we would all get drunk and go to bars, yeah, we knew when some shit was about to go down and I'd be like, oh shit, there's sergeant johnson, he's about to go. Fuck that guy up, let me go stop him. That's really where. And then all of that helped when we went to war. But the bar is where that all happened.
Speaker 5:It just makes you very vigilant. You don't trust anybody.
Speaker 3:That's a sad place to be, though, very anxiety ridding, because then everybody's the worst. Where's the good in humanity?
Speaker 2:what? What are we talking about? We took brown water. What's that brown water? Did you get brown water at your house the other day? Nah, homie and fuck somerville dog yeah, fuck that shit.
Speaker 3:This is bullshit, dude my career.
Speaker 2:Water had a very expensive house. The thing yeah, it's full of bats and termites. Yeah, dude, and ghosts and ghosts there's ghosts in there. Yeah, dude, I've told you bullshit. Dude, my career. Water had a very expensive house.
Speaker 3:The thing yeah, it's full of bats and termites. Yeah, dude. And ghosts and ghosts.
Speaker 2:There's ghosts in there, yeah dude, I've told you about my ghosts. Yeah, I haven't told you about my ghost. A couple of times, dude, I've seen them yeah yeah, I haven't seen ghosts since I was like a young kid we talked about in the halloween episode like a true apparition, a true, and janet has seen it and janet doesn't believe in it yeah, she doesn't believe in it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, she doesn't believe in it, but she sees it. She's now a believer. Oh, she's a believer. Yeah, what's the ghost?
Speaker 2:Uh, it's very, it's not like scary.
Speaker 3:It's more friendly, ghost not friendly.
Speaker 2:I mean, it's still freaky. But like you, I felt like there's a few times where I heard Janet coming down the stairs. Yeah, and I'm watching TV. You know my house, and I'm sitting there and I'm like, hey, janet, and then, like you, hear the footsteps and then it will stop, as if it's like on the fourth or fifth step. Yeah, and I'm like, janet, what are you doing? And there's no one there. Or there's times where, like I've seen, you've been home alone yeah. And I'm home alone and someone's like josh. I'm like what?
Speaker 3:the fuck. Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, yeah, it happens, it's happened many times, I like that one.
Speaker 2:So our house is haunted yeah, termites, now it has bats. Uh, we've only lived there two fucking years yeah, but you got a pool yeah, we have a pool, even though we had the greatest house in the world in nextin yeah, that was a great house. Yeah, and then we were stupid yeah oh whatever you live and you learn, you bought a house.
Speaker 5:I did. I bought a house, not in Nexton, down the road. I'm still in the good tax bracket there.
Speaker 4:Hell yeah, brother.
Speaker 5:Fuck yeah.
Speaker 2:Dan's a horrible interviewer. He'll just stare at you, he won't talk. How are you feeling about working at Whitson so far? So, how are you feeling about? How are you feeling about working at wits end so far? What do you? What do you think of the? I was bitching about the club on the podcast. First time I've bitched about it, I was bitching about our weekday attendance, um, but what do you think so far? Yeah, you've been here since day one yeah, weekday attendance.
Speaker 5:That is one thing that kind of rubs me the wrong way. We've talked about it before and, dan, I think we just talked about it. Uh, just the, the comedians that show up for open mic, man, I mean, you get the respect of everybody sitting through your sets. Half of them stay till the end yeah and you don't show up and support anybody else or anything else going on. I don't. I don't understand that concept.
Speaker 2:Yeah, completely, and that's what we've talked about so much is just the lack of whatever who's bad tippers. No, I'm joking. Now there are. There are a good number of bad tippers which is something we've talked about.
Speaker 5:And ethically it puts me in a weird position.
Speaker 2:You can't be. This is a comedy tip I heard a long time ago when I started comedy. You got to be a good tipper, yeah, at the club, because then the bar staff knows it, the bar staff might mention it to the owner and then you're known as a bad tipper. And being known as a bad tipper is like being known as a guy with a small dick, like people are going to talk about it.
Speaker 5:Yeah, guy with a small dick like people are going to talk about it. Yeah, dan looks concerned. It's like the equivalent of being called a pencil dick in high school. That just like hit home. That's what being a bad tipper is in adulthood yeah, it's literally a bad tipper.
Speaker 2:You get it. It's a bad tip dan it's a bad tip. There we go with the Jew stuff. We're going to be canceled. Though it's Shane Gillis over here the man, here we go. So, yeah, any words of wisdom to open mic comics when they, you know, look Big dick tippers.
Speaker 5:Yeah, please don't show me anything just show me the tip show me the money only. Um, yeah, as far as like advice goes, I mean, be friendly, have a conversation, you know, don't try to avoid eye contact. I mean, I already know what's coming my way and you're listening.
Speaker 2:You're, you guys, listening. You know more than we think you do. Yeah, not only that, but like the traveling comics. So what I've heard when I started comedy was you never try to fuck the staff at a comedy club, because they will talk, and that's already happened here.
Speaker 5:Yep, are they still in the dms? Uh, currently actually yeah, damn, you're like today, yeah, today actually, uh, maybe an hour ago one was just uh checking in, yeah, seeing how life was going wow, dude, so they.
Speaker 2:So I wonder what the game is. The long game, the. I have someone to fuck around with when I go to town there next. I think I wonder what the game is. The long game, the. I have someone to fuck around with when I go to town there next I think that's what the idea is.
Speaker 5:Um, except for plot twist, I haven't told you this yet. Uh, that one of the traveling comedians that did come here. I happen to just be getting high watching kill tony and all of a sudden I hear a very familiar name and I look up at my tv and it's that motherfucker it's that person was on kill tony and I listened to the set and he's talking about, like you know, screwing hookers and all this other stuff and uh, yeah, don't look like it.
Speaker 2:No and was it a good set. Did he? Did he do?
Speaker 5:well, it was all right interview was definitely better than the set that was two years ago when we had him here substantially better, wow, night and day almost. But I, uh, I, I recorded it and I, I made sure to send it and it was like, oh, I think you're better now oh, they love that that was they think you're totally want to fuck them now probably, I just
Speaker 2:I blame you now yeah, I just criticize you love having fun with with boys, not in a sense that, yeah, I'm just saying, like you, that you're leading them on. But how do I describe it? You like punishing them like you like. I think there's a certain thing like you like. You enjoy being, like you have no chance in hell. But I'm going to let you think you do for a couple of minutes. Make them leak. I don't know if that was heard on here, but she likes to make them leak.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, she likes them to leak. She likes that premature ejaculate Well leak for my boy.
Speaker 3:Half of them look premature.
Speaker 2:That's not a lie. So you heard it here from our greatest bartender here, sarah Watson. She is straight up saying tip well with your money, not your dick. Yeah, and apparently, and just be nice, have a conversation, be a good human being yeah, and if you're sober, even tip her well yeah, dan, you're good, you tip am I a bad tipper?
Speaker 3:no, that would sound like such a no. No, that's fine. No, but yeah, if you're well, because I know some people don't, some people who just quit boozing or whatever, come out like feel sometimes weird coming to a place that has a bar or anything like that, and this place has soda, it's got candy and the bartenders are very nice. So, yeah, just be.
Speaker 5:Yeah, we have like a lot of NA options. Actually, I think it was one big staple thing that this comedy club did was to have a whole bunch of different na options, from sodas to na beers. So we even have mocktails yeah from rip city like on our menu. Love a good mocktail for that yeah and you know the and even so, price point. You're looking anywhere between three to five dollars yeah it's not bad for something that tastes good make it affordable and you know what we're doing and I you know that's where the conversation comes in.
Speaker 5:You know if you just want soda, or maybe you just want a cherry coke, or even if it's not even elaborate like yeah make it for you we can do it it's just being part of the community at the end of the day, yeah, and supporting and just having you know respect for everybody that's in the craft even people who fuck dolphins see, that's dan, that's what I get.
Speaker 2:That's what I've been getting for the last four years what she was saying.
Speaker 3:She just wasn't saying it. I get context, context yeah, she was thinking about it context is key.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you had a fuck an animal in the animal kingdom like what's the sexiest animal?
Speaker 5:not any type of fish. Fish kind of freak me out, all of them dolphins a mammal, all right uh, I guess, since I'm a female, immediately I go to something that's like bigger than me, I think uh elephant horse I would say like a, like a panther or a leopard, but I actually did some research and those aren't actually real things. Like they have names, but it's not. It's just a mutation that happened. Like it's not a different animal, they're the same animal. I found that out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they're all cats.
Speaker 5:Yeah, like maybe.
Speaker 3:So you like the big cats is what you're getting. Oh, she likes a big cat. All right, I a realization I'm a lesbian.
Speaker 2:There it is, folks here, it is right here. You heard it here first at Low Country, low Life Sarah Watson is a lesbian.
Speaker 4:She like a big pussy. She like a pussy, she like a big cat. A big pussy Just purring. She love a big pussy. Yes, yes. I'm. Italian now. She loves a pussy. Oh, she love a big pussy. She loves a pussy so much. Yes, the pussy rubbed up and down her.
Speaker 2:Rubbed up and down her.
Speaker 3:Rubbed up and down. Her Rubbed up.
Speaker 2:Rubbed up in her vagina.
Speaker 4:In her tub.
Speaker 3:yes, yes, vagina, her vagina is her tub? Yes, tub vagina, big porcelain tub. Yes, cast iron vagina.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Sarah Watson. Yeah, sarah watson, like that we. Yeah, she's a lesbian.
Speaker 2:Nothing wrong with that. No, not beautiful. No, it's beautiful. Good for you. Sarah, have you told your boyfriend what would you fuck? Who would? If I fucked an animal in the animal kingdom like sexy? It's not fucking animal, just sexy animal. That wasn't the question. That was the question no, no, sexy animal animal, it's just sexy animal. That wasn't the question.
Speaker 3:That was the question no, no, no, sexy animal, I thought I.
Speaker 2:I said sexy animal, we can play it back.
Speaker 3:Okay, yep, cargo shorts, sure, yeah we'll play it back Son of a bitch, all right, yeah, stop it.
Speaker 2:What's an animal you find sexy asking? Yeah, um you know, maybe an emperor penguin. You know, yeah, their skin looks real nice and soft like an elephant. An elephant, a penguin's vagina yeah, probably amazing no, probably cold, that's fine no, well, they're alive.
Speaker 3:Yeah, dead penguin.
Speaker 2:So so sarah's shaking her head? No, as if she's been inside a penguin's vagina.
Speaker 3:She's like they're not. She's definitely not there's.
Speaker 5:They're scaly and mean penguins used to be my favorite did?
Speaker 2:you used to rub them out, like when you were a kid with your stuffed penguins. We got it Context. We get it Context.
Speaker 3:Yeah, context is important, yeah it's important we understand.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say.
Speaker 3:Emperor Penguin.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think an Emperor Penguin. They're yeah, yeah, they're pretty sexy. Yeah, what about you? Female lion, A female lion? Yeah, what about you? Female lion, a female lion? Yeah, I've seen them fuck. They look real bored and real boring and that's right up my alley.
Speaker 3:Nice, yeah, just done nothing different yeah you know he?
Speaker 2:she lets you lay around the fucking savannah all day, yeah oh, it'd be great over and bite your nuts and you get up on top of her and you're done.
Speaker 3:And then she goes back and hunts. She just wants the seed.
Speaker 2:She's a real bang them out kind of gal, just a black and white.
Speaker 3:She's not there to have a good time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she's not reading romance novels out in the she just wants a tiny cub human thing.
Speaker 3:That'll get captured by the government and taken from her a little dan cat yeah little dan cat, little dan cats, little blue-eyed freak lion, scraggly hair with a limp little ginger fucking yeah hair like a tiger that poachers catch and, you know, feel like they're cursed by looking at it, how long is this podcast?
Speaker 4:an hour hour and a half hours. Yeah, it's pretty good. Four and a half hours, that's pretty good, yeah, anything else.
Speaker 3:What do you got? What do you got? What do you have to plug? What do you got going on sarah?
Speaker 2:yeah, tell us about, uh, the betty white drink. Well, one of our best drinks here at the club yeah, so uh, betty white drink invented by, invented by um sarah watson the lesbian, the lesbian, yeah, so Betty White drink. Invented by Invented by. Sarah Watson the lesbian, the lesbian penguin lover.
Speaker 5:Penguin and panther lover. Yeah, no, so it is just the Citadel Gin, which I think is a great gin, has a very fantastic flavor profile. I mean, even if you're not a gin drinker or afraid of it, I think it's a really good ease into that direction. So it's a gin-based cocktail, Just a little bit of grapefruit juice, which we do in-house so it's fresh, all fresh juices up in this motherfucker.
Speaker 5:All of it, and then we have our own house-made rosemary syrup that we put in there as well yeah, don't drink that in the fridge. Yeah, don't take a swig of that don't do that, but uh, yeah, and then you just uh, we shake it, make it, and then shake it, make it baby.
Speaker 2:That's, that is the wits and motto that that was. That was actually her last words yeah, shake it make it, and then she just fucking flatlined, she flatlined yeah yeah, she died, huge lesbian also and we have so much in common yeah, yeah, that's it.
Speaker 5:You have anything to plug, you have anything to talk about no, I live a very uninteresting life, I think for the most part that's why we hired you uh, I just came up here to tell y'all I was ready to go home yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well then, if that's the case, dan, what do you got to plug my butt?
Speaker 3:uh, I don't have anything going on all right. Um yeah, we have a show, steph to love this weekend four shows I'll be coming to that, jesus christ, I'll be a good time yeah, and then we have improv on thursday, but improv on thursday saturday daddy needs to pay steph to love.
Speaker 2:Yeah, please come buy tickets to steph to love.
Speaker 3:Oh, we'll be here.
Speaker 2:I'll buy tickets four tickets, man, I mean four tickets, four shows. Yeah, we got. We still have some available for each show. Cool Saturday night is getting pretty sold out, I bet.
Speaker 3:I'm doing Friday at 7. Hell yeah, dude, I'm going to have you meet Steph, please. Yeah, dude, I don't even care if I do, I want my wife to because she loves.
Speaker 4:Oh, I'm not bringing you, I'm bringing your hey, hey, hey, come here. Hey, you hang out with me.
Speaker 3:These are the things that kind of happen.
Speaker 4:This is the things, this is the magic that you see. You know that skinny Fagoli you hang out with? Yeah, fuck him. Yeah, what are you going to see? A fucking elevator. You want to hang out with a real man? Yeah, you want to see a fucking. You want to see a star? Hey, you want to let my kidney stone bitch. You little pebble mouth, come here, come here.
Speaker 3:All right, I love my wife, I love my daughter.
Speaker 4:I love them too. I love them.
Speaker 3:No stop.
Speaker 2:No, it feels weird when you say that?
Speaker 4:No, it doesn't feel weird.
Speaker 3:Well, when you're rubbing your nipples and saying it, this feels inappropriate.
Speaker 2:Well, I don't have anything to plug besides give us money give us money.
Speaker 1:Hey, godspeed and God bless America. Am I right? Guys, all right.
