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Lowcountry Lowlifes
Maybe the greatest mediocre podcast you've never heard. Listen to comedian Josh Bates and Dan Sweeney talk about something and nothing all at once. Insightful? Maybe. Entertaining? Kinda. A waste of your time? Absolutely. Oh....and Dan quit the show
Lowcountry Lowlifes
Big Corn
Our chat then takes a detour into the sometimes precarious world of digestive health—think of it as a candid bathroom confessional. Sharing personal anecdotes about Crohn's disease and IBS, we question the reliability of modern medicine while pondering if environmental factors are the true culprits behind our ailments. With a blend of humor and skepticism, we explore the absurdity of medical diagnoses and the role of pharmaceutical companies. This light-hearted examination of health theories is sure to resonate with anyone who's ever faced the unpredictability of their own body and questioned widely accepted health facts.
As we round out our episode, we tackle a delightful mix of everyday mishaps, comedy, and cultural observations. From tech glitches causing personal photo tragedies to humorous critiques of "big corn" infiltrating our products, we highlight the absurdities of modern life. We also reflect on cultural experiences through stories of military potlucks and holiday traditions, debunking stereotypes with laughter and insight. Tune in for a thought-provoking and entertaining episode that underscores the importance of humor and curiosity in understanding the complexities of the world around us.
all right, fuck it, we'll go live.
Speaker 3:Dude, dude I'm turning it down. I know I know turning the volume down, who knows what it sounds like?
Speaker 2:slow fade we need a producer, dan slow fade. You know what, dan. You know what we're missing, what we're missing a producer. I know, fade. You know what, dan. You know what we're missing, what we're missing a producer I know, but you know what people don't want, although this would be the perfect time when I get a good haitian from springfield yeah guy who's willing to work chase the american dream.
Speaker 2:You're like hey, we'll teach you the ones and twos of podcast producing yeah, you know what else I'll chase what ducks cats and dogs, no, but having a producer mainly the american dream, and that's yeah, and that's what this is yes that's what this podcast is all about chasing the american chasing the america dream and putting donald j trump back in office.
Speaker 3:Yes, I'm glad we were finally open about we're funded by the right yeah, oh the far right which, in turn, we found out recently, is russia, so we're funded by russia yeah and q and q, obviously q, q and on yeah mr q and on um. He's been oddly silent this year. I think Q's taken.
Speaker 2:Did you hear the theory that Melania Trump was Q? I'm like she doesn't know how to use a keyboard.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, I, she's a hot Q.
Speaker 2:You think she's attractive? I mean she's got a smoke show body but her face is kind of.
Speaker 3:She's like 60, isn't she?
Speaker 2:Oh, if she's 60, God bless her.
Speaker 3:And she's Eastern European. So I mean it's a miracle she's even alive, because those people have very, very low life expectancies. Yeah, I think during the Cold War the life expectancy of an Eastern European Soviet bloc person was like 57.
Speaker 2:Was that medical care and diet? Yeah, because she got out of there pretty early and will, and just a general will to live. Is it weird that every, every single time I see like a russian eastern european woman, I instantly think she's a prostitute or she's a cam girl. You know why? Yeah naturally. Yeah, that's their main export.
Speaker 3:Of course, yeah, that oil, timber and fertilizer.
Speaker 2:And anal sex.
Speaker 3:And Russian cam models. Yeah. Yeah, oh, I talked to a couple Ruskies back in the day, oh yeah. Oh, yeah, like hello.
Speaker 2:Dan.
Speaker 3:Hello Dan. Hey, what are you doing?
Speaker 2:I'm going to make a pathetic penis via webcam webcam and I'll make you splooge out of it for 20 dollars, for 20 a minute, and I'm like, oh shit, I better make this quick. Remember when russia was about to be cool, you know 2000s yeah, putin was on time before 9-11 yeah, before pre-9-11 pre-9-11 they were actually very nice during 9-11.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because during that time, yeah, when we were going, we're putin and uh, putin really wanted joy. He's like I really hope george bush likes me. George was like I like him. He's. He's funny looking. He's got a weird nose and I I could have a drink with. I looked in his soul. Do you remember that speech? He's like I looked in the man's soul and I cupped his balls and I realized he's a good man and he speaks and they were so when we were going to go into Iraq and all that stuff, they were fighting the Chechens.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So like we were both going against. And then I think Putin saw what we were doing and he's like ooh, Even.
Speaker 2:Putin was like the war in the middle east is a bit much well, which is funny, because they were fighting the afghans for yeah, forever, yeah, when the 80s right in the 80s for like 15 years.
Speaker 3:Dude I dude, this is my take they sent us that nice teardrop memorial from from 9-11.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, yeah, very Very nice.
Speaker 3:Made from the finest Chinese artisans and then shipped over to Russia.
Speaker 2:I'm going to break it to our audience.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:We're going to war with Russia in the next year and a half.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, you think so.
Speaker 2:Here's the problem.
Speaker 3:Break it down for me.
Speaker 2:We've been putting Patriot and missiles closer and closer to Russian soil, so that's been what's really pissing them off the most.
Speaker 3:Well, nato, the whole reason NATO exists, was a response to Russia, correct?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I mean, that's literally the only reason it exists. That's their charter. So the problem is is in ukraine while we're fighting? This proxy war, yeah, we all know about. I won't go into detail about that.
Speaker 3:We've been doing that since the 40s, did you know? Oh, proxy wars, yeah, like oss, the precursor to the cia, and right after world war two they're like the cuba, dude, cuba, yeah, come on, dude come on, no, but okay I so here.
Speaker 2:Here's the problem. The problem is is we've been supplying ukraines with a ton of shit. That's not the problem. Please keep calling them ukraines just don't call them ukraines we've been supplying ukraines these ukraines yeah no, but listen, hear me out I'm listening so the problem now is we're going to start giving them missiles to launch into Russian sovereignty.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:Russia said that's an act of war.
Speaker 3:Makes sense.
Speaker 2:And Congress our current, you know, our senator here.
Speaker 3:Lindsey Graham Like signing bombs and shit.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, but Lindsey Graham supports it. Congress right now they're saying about 70% support us. Giving them missiles to launch into russia. We will be at war with russia. If we do that, they'll declare war, but there won't be any actual combat until something happens. We might get involved in ukraine. Maybe the middle east starts spilling over somewhere. Russia gets involved, maybe a little bit too. It's where it gets dicey, but it's going to happen in the next year and a half okay, it's a fair prediction oh, it's not a prediction, brother oh, it's a problem this is a promise oh
Speaker 3:first low country, low lies, promise what does that mean for the price of bubble gum in the united states?
Speaker 2:that's a good question, dan yeah, um yeah, not a whole lot. Here's the problem.
Speaker 3:These striking longshoremen are going to hurt us more than anything.
Speaker 2:Dude, the traffic has been amazing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there's been no traffic around Charleston, half the city is longshoremen.
Speaker 2:Every other car is a fucking semi-truck. Yeah. Going to the port? Yeah, not today, nope. I love it. Yeah, it's nice, keep striking. Yeah, I am pro union right now, commie, I love it it's so interesting watching it.
Speaker 3:I the devol, everybody devolving, yeah, I just, I it's. I don't love it, but it's very like.
Speaker 3:No, I don't think anybody's agreed on anything after covid, dude after covid, no one works anymore, no one cares anymore about anything covid fractured everybody's minds yeah some people are like I believe everything I'm told, ever and always will yeah and the other half that are like harp is using direct energy weapons to burn down maui yeah and we all were injected with poison and I and both sides are very compelling sure where I go. Yeah, no, you all, I, I can't people who can make decisions like and do you?
Speaker 2:envy that, or do you?
Speaker 3:I told you yeah, I'm like that's really good for you that you can just push out all the other knowledge of everything else and be like, yeah, no, this is what it definitely is.
Speaker 2:See, this is, I think, why you and I have continued our relationship for as long as we have six years yes. Um going on seven going on six right or going on seven.
Speaker 3:We're in the sixth right now. All right, going on six right or going on seven.
Speaker 2:We're in the sixth right now. All right, yeah, god damn. Yeah, it's been a minute, I think I would change my greeting card. I got you okay. But what I love about us is both you and I can listen to something and go. You know what. That's a good point. I didn't think of it that way no that's a old american tradition and pastime that has been long forgotten yeah and both you and I can do that to one another.
Speaker 2:We go, you know what. Maybe there is some merit to that it is a comforting thing. I found comfort in admitting to myself that I'm not smart well, like shakespeare said, but if a wise man knows himself to be a fool, yeah and the fool knows him, thinks he is wise.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:I said that backwards, but yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, as the way Shakespeare intended.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Because that's an argument right there. Well, that's really what Shakespeare. He wrote it wrong because the Jews were making him write it that way. You know that's what? And Dan's like I kind of believe it. I mean, saul Weinberg was his literary agent. You know, it's like it's. The whole conspiracy thing is so interesting now because, it's in the mainstream now. Like my in-laws are up in Western Carolina, I hope Jesus rides a unicorn up there and does something, because it's terrible, that's probably not going to happen.
Speaker 3:No, and it's so weird because I remember when Katrina happened.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I was just like okay, and I remember people we were young. Yeah, but that was when Kanye West was like George Bush hates black people. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And Mike Myers was right there. He's like oh shit. And then we never heard from Mike Myers again.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he did the love guru after that, or?
Speaker 2:something.
Speaker 3:Yeah again. Yeah, he did the love guru after that or something, yeah, and then his whole life changed. Yeah, but now it's like nobody's like really going up there right now and the end. But this is the point. This is the point where I go where's the president?
Speaker 2:like why isn't he's there right now?
Speaker 3:why isn't he flying in on marine one?
Speaker 2:because he he's there right now.
Speaker 3:He's there now. Yeah, he should have been there during the storm riding a canoe.
Speaker 2:He wanted an 80-year-old man out there riding a canoe.
Speaker 3:Down a river and saving people, hey, throwing goldfish. Hey man, hey get on my canoe.
Speaker 2:Come here, man.
Speaker 3:Come on what you got a little baby.
Speaker 2:But he was there. He was there. But I do hear. It is weird like I listen to npr uh podcast. It's the daily news and the and the guy is like an older guy. He sounds cool, sounds like an old superman cartoon kind of thing where he's like uh and also in the news uh, hurricane helene. Uh, oh, I love devastated. Uh, from florida south carolina, hurricane Helene. Oh, I love Devastated from Florida, south Carolina and North Carolina Also in the news and I'm like what the fuck? No.
Speaker 2:How about talk about how it got fucked.
Speaker 3:That is the news.
Speaker 2:Like that is the news.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And it's hard to hear about any other news when that's going on.
Speaker 3:Well, the big. Thing.
Speaker 2:I think we should stop podcasting right now.
Speaker 3:Go up to and go podcasting right now go up to and go up there and help out. Yeah, you know what I've thought about that, yeah where I'd be like it'd be so good to just, yeah, pack, pack, my things get bring your chainsaw yeah, exactly yeah go up there and just start cutting limbs and yeah, throw big saving babies and shit dipping yeah putting grandma on your shoulder dog out of a river you know yeah dust them off.
Speaker 2:Be like you're all right now fella but I go, man, it's gonna be real sticky and hot up there I hate taking shits, and not my bathroom.
Speaker 3:Bathrooms that aren't mine, I don't like it yeah my shit schedule's all off recently it hasn't been waking up early like a farmer yeah that's my big thing now. Yeah, wake up at 5 30, 5, 15 so you're, you're awake in the morning, have your coffee and then take a shit usually yeah but I quit the darts yeah and it's been a, it's been almost, it's been a little over, it's been a year since you've shit.
Speaker 2:It's been 14 months since you had a cigarette yes, and the cigarette was the primer yeah you know how it's like.
Speaker 3:It's like the carrot, it's like there's the wick yeah and then the cares, and then it needs the flint yeah cigarette was the flint for the shit sure kerosene shit yeah I don't have it anymore. So now I'm like waiting, and then I'm like, well shit, I gotta go. I'm gonna go to work now. I'm shitting in like the worst warehouse bathroom every day dan, you can't dude.
Speaker 2:Listen, this is what you do. You get up in the morning, have your cup of coffee. Then I want you to go to the bathroom, start fingering your asshole like just get a little bit of Vaseline on it. But when you finger it you gotta twist you want me to express my anal?
Speaker 3:you gotta twist yeah like I'm a dog like you're a dog you gotta squeeze them.
Speaker 2:Squeeze the anal gland and you gotta let yeah, you to just get out that initial.
Speaker 3:Yeah, the initial plug. It's like we gave the baby solids right and I called you. Yeah, I was like she's stuffed up, she's like you know, it's like there's a ship and she's the bottle and it's. Yeah, yeah and everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, do you need me to finger your ass?
Speaker 3:I wouldn't mind, it would make. It would make.
Speaker 2:Would you feel less awkward if it was me?
Speaker 3:It would make me feel less gay if you fingered my ass, yeah, yeah. Damn, but no, it's so. Life's a. I did something bad.
Speaker 2:So now you're shitting in the warehouse.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I'm trying to get back on schedule Some days. It's good Are? You a one-a-day guy yeah, maybe twice, here and there. Yeah, depends on what I'm eating.
Speaker 2:Man, I have stomach issues.
Speaker 3:I can't imagine your shits. I bet they're just.
Speaker 2:Brutal? No, they're not.
Speaker 3:They're fine. There's just a lot I consider it like. Western North Carolina, where for the longest time it's like a drought Nothing's really happening. People are like it'd be nice if there's some wet. You know, to kind of like relief this feeling of and then Hurricane Helene comes and just wipes everything out. Yeah, it's good spilling over. You know hazmats. There's a guy dropping out with a helicopter.
Speaker 2:Rescuing people.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and you're just ugh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what do?
Speaker 3:you have Crohn's. Yeah well, I have Decades of melt Doritos.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, no, well, that too. So it's hard to decipher, but really so. I was diagnosed with crohn's disease. Okay, but uh, the last colonoscopy I had, the doc was like you don't have crohn's this is your asshole, and it's no, but he was like you don't have crohn's, he's like you have severe ibd, the old irritable bowel syndrome.
Speaker 2:Oh, crohn's disease is a, I think, got fancy. For a while it was like the the coolest new thing that the all the doctors were saying that you had and then they would prescribe you some shit yeah and little is known about crohn's disease. Actually, the stomach is right behind the brain as far as doctors, not knowing what the fuck. And you heard the stomach is your second brain. Have you heard that?
Speaker 3:I haven't until now, but that makes sense, but I have heard that Crohn's didn't become a thing until we started injecting all these children with poison.
Speaker 2:That's the funny thing where I go huh, but I don't know and I don't think that, but I also go huh see, I think the only time that your inquisitive nature does you wrong is when there are facts in front of you yes and you go yeah, but who wrote these?
Speaker 3:well, no, which is fine, but then you go.
Speaker 2:Well, is there something nefarious going on that made them create this, to make me believe that?
Speaker 3:well, the interest, you know what I mean. Yeah, totally, I totally agree with you.
Speaker 2:That's where I think you start going on the deep end a little bit.
Speaker 3:A hundred percent, because that's where you go. Well, what is a fact?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And it's like you can look up in history of things that have happened where the information was not revealed. The true information was not revealed because if the true information was to come out, it's true, because you think about it, because like right now.
Speaker 2:The scientific method is you come up with your writing hypothesis yeah, and you're all of your conclusions and everything. But then other people, yeah, will come and test your method, yeah, and they will all come together as a community and say, yay or nay, it's a peer group, it's a peer group. At the same time I go well, that's science, baby, that works. But then I go, well, if we're all like that, the sun revolves around the earth and all the peers say, yeah, you're right, that's science baby. So it is hard.
Speaker 2:But most of the time when something is known as a fact in the scientific community, it does go through quite a rigorous testing.
Speaker 3:Sponsored by Pfizer, but it does.
Speaker 3:It does 100%, 100%. But then there's people who will say that it's like 85% of the things that are currently in operating rooms are not actually tested by the FDA prior to approval. And you go huh, yeah, and you go, who is this guy? And he goes I used to work for them. And then you go huh. And then you go, do I want to look deeper into this? And like start dealing Is this guy actually could? And then you go well, so there's somebody saying that, something that seems kind of logical.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But it's going against the grain of what I think of when I think highway of things. When I think of conspiracy theories, I always go are there too many? If there's too many people that know the secret, then it's not real Because there's no way that secret would be kept. Like there's too many people, there's too many different companies making the vaccine. There's too many people making the vaccine, too many scientists that understand the concepts for it to really If anything. I think like autism and all these things. I think, if anything, it's in our food Because you look around the world.
Speaker 3:Our food's fucked.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the autism, all these things. I think, if anything, it's in our food, because you look around the world, our food's fucked. Yeah, the autism levels in england or in australia are much different than they are in america.
Speaker 3:That's why we went with um formula. Uh, we actually went with australian formula yeah and then there was this article that came out yeah they're like yeah, there's a fuck ton of aluminum. And then kangaroo dehydrated fucking dude. I wouldn't mind if kangaroos is because like okay, great. Whatever keeps my kid healthy, she's getting marsupial protein Like that's fine, but like when metals like heavy metals and stuff you go.
Speaker 2:Well, you know, this is an 80s hairband Like yeah, dusty Slate talked about it on his podcast recently, about his garden beds that he put up. He's like the wood is treated with a certain chemical, yeah, and then once it rains or once you're gardening, all of that seeps into your soil and so you think you're making all these healthy vegetables and they're poison. You're poisoning yourself.
Speaker 3:He's slightly right about that, because the current pressure treated wood now isn't used with. I forget the chemical that was. Current pressure-treated wood now isn't used with. I forget the chemical that was. It was some kind of metal back in the day. That would totally mess you up. But I think now it's not as but besides the point. It's like the Froot Loops in Canada or the Froot Loops in Europe are totally different than they have like six ingredients.
Speaker 3:I think there's like 700 ingredients that are approved in europe and there's like 10 000 that are approved here we've talked about on this, on this podcast, a lot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, big corn baby big corn.
Speaker 3:I honestly big corn's at the heart of a lot of things. I think big corn is autism I think big corn did 9-11 you know what? I wouldn't be surprised. Right, those guys hijacked a plane.
Speaker 2:They said were box cutters, but really it was just serrated it was those, it was those corn, the yeah, those things that you stick on the side of your corn on the cob yes, those things I used to.
Speaker 3:I stuck myself a few times do those have names?
Speaker 2:uh and the corn spears yeah, they're always like little baby corns yeah, they. And they look cute.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and you just.
Speaker 2:Wouldn't that be cool. Like you live in China and they're like no it wouldn't be cool to live in. China. No, no, no. But like, what does your daddy do? And you're like oh, my daddy makes those little tiny corn thingies on the side of you know what I man.
Speaker 3:He make a corn thing. Go in the cob and you eat a fourth of july exactly corn man.
Speaker 2:See now some people that are listening to this say I don't care, and say that was racist, that wasn't racist. That's what they sound like yes some, not all of them a certain dialect in china. That's what it sounds like.
Speaker 3:Of course, If I go over there and I'm like knee, how man, how you doing.
Speaker 2:Have you, have you ever heard when, like someone in China or like in the Middle East, does an impression of America? Yeah, americans. It's hilarious because they're not using English words, but they're like hey you phoenix, you do go and man, you're like that's pretty good. Yeah, it's pretty good. I'm not offended by it.
Speaker 3:One of my favorite videos is I think it's a Japanese man and he's singing.
Speaker 2:Maybe turn the lights down low.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, he's all in costume, he's singing strong and slow.
Speaker 2:Dude, they don't hey Japanese. Don't fuck with karaoke, dude. And then he's like oh, thank you very much. One of my favorite current videos, yeah, is when that, uh, the handicapped kid is his big brother takes him to a club. Yeah, and they're uh like an edm. They're boy girls.
Speaker 2:No, they're uh, they're all lady boys oh, yeah, yeah yeah, and he's, and he explains it to his handicapped brother. They're lady boys. He goes no, they're not. Yeah, and then he sees the show and then at the end, the little filipino chick and he's like enjoying it, yeah he takes his eyelashes off and it's a guy and just his face of what the fuck?
Speaker 1:yeah, he just starts smashing things, big corn you know, that's big corn, that's big corn behind it, yeah kennedy assassination big corn big yeah, because we will not have corn on the cob yeah we will not have corn syrup era in Coca-Cola.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think it definitely is a food.
Speaker 2:I think it's a food. I think America is at a food crisis with our chemicals.
Speaker 3:I think it's a conjunction of things where we are captured by corporations and the people bear all the brunt of their liabilities, and they have. They have no one to answer to. No, and I think that's a dangerous place.
Speaker 2:The laws that are on the books, with farming, like the meat industry, the packing industry, pesticides they the way the laws are written by them, because they wrote the laws are so bulletproof. Yeah, you, like you said, you can't do anything about it?
Speaker 3:No, which is that is scary. As a normal person, if you were to be like, hey, I'm going to sell you this car. You're like, oh cool. And they're like, but if anything goes wrong with it, you can't do anything to us, and you'd be like what do you mean? They're like nothing, it's fine, it's completely safe. Have what do you mean? They're like nothing, it's fine, it's completely safe. Have you done any tests on it? No, but it's fine. Yeah, we did a test on it. How did it go? I'm not telling you.
Speaker 2:You just explained big corn. I explained a lot of big things and meat like beef.
Speaker 3:Big corn, big pharma, big chocolate.
Speaker 2:Auto industry even.
Speaker 3:Big chocolate, I think, is a different thing, that's my porn search. He's across the street right now. Yeah, I get scared.
Speaker 2:You get scared.
Speaker 3:Of course. But I let go because God is good. I've given up on figuring things out. But I also get kind of scared when people really start picking sides.
Speaker 2:The next time I ever want you when you get really worried about it and you're thinking about it.
Speaker 3:Just remember january 24th yeah, I remember 26 brother, well no no, no, january 24th 2025, yeah, when donald j trump back in the office, back in the office. We're gonna, we're gonna be fine that's when we get our country back yeah, we make america great again again.
Speaker 2:Now are we making america great again again yeah, it's part two electric boogaloo yeah is it, but it doesn't have a new phrase I don't know, I don't pay attention to him yeah, what am I gonna do? I don't know.
Speaker 3:I thought maybe you knew I've recently been checking in on his truths that he's been dropping on.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, his truths, which is now a verb.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there is a thing where I and I told you this the other night and I'll say it. I was like I'm more comfortable with Donald Trump than Kamala Harris, and you were like what the fuck.
Speaker 2:And the way I expressed, expressed it.
Speaker 3:I was like, yeah, it's just a gut thing. I was like the devil, you know, is better than the w don't. Yeah, and he can't, and he's not controlled, he's. So that's to me, that's insane to me. Yeah, you're like I want a controlled puppet.
Speaker 2:I want a little muppet person. It's insane to me the idea that again. But go ahead I don't care I know you don't, and that's. That was a really, when you said that, that when we had that conversation, I was telling you things and you were like Josh, it doesn't matter what you say, this is how I feel about this and I was like, alright, fair enough don't you go with your gut you know who went with their gut yeah big corn big corn went with our gut.
Speaker 3:That's the problem. Yeah, that's why their guts will take it.
Speaker 2:That's why you're not shitting and I'm shitting too much.
Speaker 3:I did something bad. I wanted a big marriage. Faux pas.
Speaker 2:What'd you do?
Speaker 3:It's not what you think.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, I'm thinking it. Hold on, let me, let me, let me think, let me think.
Speaker 3:Hold on. I didn't kill a hooker in Barry.
Speaker 2:Did you tell your wife that she needed to go to the gym?
Speaker 3:No, okay, this is actually.
Speaker 2:Not as bad as like that that would be? What'd you do?
Speaker 3:There's a song the Beach Boys Shorten and Bread.
Speaker 2:It's a bootleg version oh, I know.
Speaker 3:Bootleg version on YouTube. Took the Rodecaster ripped it, made it into an mp3. I wanted to put it on my phone, start the day off. I'm trying to get the boys over at the shop every morning. I put on shortening bread. I'm like, isn't this the shit? And they loved it and now they hate it. But I think it's going to come back around where they're like okay, this is the best song. Anyway, the only way I could get it on my phone with fucking Apple music was I had to sync my computer to my phone. So I was like, okay, yeah, I'll just sync my music to my phone.
Speaker 2:But it took unloaded everything onto your computer.
Speaker 3:It wiped everything off my computer and made everything that was on my phone onto my computer. So I lost years of photographs that I had of Katie and I on our honeymoon, the apartments we lit, the house we lit. Like all of those photos, were just gone.
Speaker 2:Were you able to restore it?
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 2:So you think I can restore it. Yes, take your computer, do a computer shop. Yeah. Like one of these that are ran by Bitcoin. Yeah. But like they're ran by, Indians. No, I think, maybe like some Asian dudes, okay, but like those Apple repair shops and computer repair shops, take it to one of those places. Okay, they might be able to get. They might be able to get them for you.
Speaker 3:I don't think so, cause I went deep on the internet.
Speaker 2:Is that a Mac?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Dude, do you have a backup? You have time travel, do I have?
Speaker 3:time travel. Yeah, all Macs do. Oh, I can time travel. Yeah, oh, I didn't know that you can just go back in time, baby, I'll just time travel. Yeah, oh, okay.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, I'm being serious.
Speaker 3:I know. There is a time travel thing on there. I thought you were.
Speaker 2:She was so upset do it, and then you know what she's gonna be so happy. She's gonna just start blowing you as soon as you get home I doubt it yeah I doubt it too, we had chili tonight, oh yeah chili is automatic no sex night. Gassy blowjobs are not, unless you're sorry, I drank when you just said that yeah, I was hoping for a spit-tank Gassy blowjob. Yeah, that's funny Did she blow you with her butt. No, that's anal sex.
Speaker 3:No, but I know that it's a sin too. Yeah, but it's legal. It is now.
Speaker 2:Now.
Speaker 3:Before it's so weird how they're like. Jebediah Watkins and smith will be hung today for sodomy because he put his dick in her butt and she lacked it.
Speaker 2:No like. The guy walks up like everyone's in town square. Hey, what did jebediah do? Did he murder someone? No, did he old man haskins livestock, nah worse he put his wiener in her butt, but oh my god but that's where the waste comes from.
Speaker 3:I know I know isn't it downright sinful?
Speaker 2:we only put our penis where the babies come from and the blood comes from isn't that right, mel mel's like yeah, yeah he looks over at bob and bob's like don't, don't tell. Bob's like, don't tell him. Don't tell him our secret.
Speaker 3:The only way we keep this going is by having sex with women.
Speaker 2:You know something I think about. We're upstairs in the green room of the comedy club Witsandcharlestoncom. No big deal Please come by. I always get nervous that we're up here podcasting and everyone downstairs is getting like murdered. Yeah, yeah. But it's nervous that we're up here podcasting and everyone downstairs is getting like murdered. Yeah, yeah, but it's early now, oh, it's dark out yeah, it's late, yeah and the sun's down well, yeah, it's, it's, it's october, it is it's kind of nice.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I like it. Spooky season, best time of year, yeah, but the wife got really upset yeah about the picture.
Speaker 2:This podcast is over. We're gonna try to time travel um and was saying like mean things. You piece of fucking shit. I knew you'd do something like this. You're just trying to erase me from my life and I'm like what are you talking?
Speaker 3:I was like it's an accident and she's like you're not reacting like you're being irrational, like no, she's like, I was just like. I'm so sorry, that's not and then your road trip was on and I was like this is this is a good move.
Speaker 2:You seen this on? Yeah, she's like are you fucking serious?
Speaker 3:she's like yeah, I fucking put it on because I'm fucking sad and I need something to make me happy. And then it's like that scene where, like that, he's like trick euro trip is so good, it's a good movie I used. That, used to be my I like road trip that's a little sweet treat.
Speaker 2:Road trip I never saw road trip, oh wait no with amy smart tommy and tom green yeah, I've seen road trip but euro trip. I think it's better brother, euro trip is.
Speaker 3:That was my tip movie back in the day yeah like we had a copy of eurotrip and I was like let's watch eurotrip. And then she'd be like he's like you got something on your uh, your shirt, and she's like where, and then she's like rubbing her and you take, it's very early 2000s.
Speaker 2:Scotty doesn't know that, fiona and me oh, yeah, anyway point being yeah, it's always very interesting when uh you know who wouldn't have fucking lost all that data? Dan Tommy Tomlinson, my high school boyfriend.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he had thick fingers.
Speaker 2:He had thick fingers and he owns a fucking paint company now.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he's successful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, not like you. You fucking elevator bitch, come home and you're dusty, telling you're stupid, and trying to go out at night and telling your dumb jokes.
Speaker 3:Your jokes suck they suck, yeah, I felt terrible.
Speaker 2:You fucked up, dude.
Speaker 3:But I was like I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's nothing you could have done at that point.
Speaker 3:It was a complete act. I'm not good with technology.
Speaker 2:Shut up bitch.
Speaker 3:Is that what you said? Oh, dude, sometimes I think like I'm like the 50s, like when men go. It's so terrible that you know things like that happen. I'm like shut up, what are you talking? What are you talking about? What are you when men are like, it's so much better. I'm like, what are you talking about?
Speaker 2:that's why they call it the greatest generation dan what are you talking about?
Speaker 3:first of all, the only reason women's lib happened was because the rockefellers made it happen and wonder why big corn, big corn, so they could tax us and we.
Speaker 2:And then women could buy more corn. Well, you know what tampons are made out of corn corn husks corn ponds, corn ponds, corn ponds. I bet you.
Speaker 3:I bet if we look it up there's some. A Native American tampon was a corn husk.
Speaker 2:I bet you anything Corn has. There's some corn in some type of female hygienic.
Speaker 3:There's corn in everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's corn in that tampon, if there's corn not going in, there's corn coming out. That's what big corn gets tattooed on their chest. See this. Corn ain't going in, corn's coming out, yeah we're all worried about, like the fucking you know, Illuminati and shit. You need to worry about big corn brother.
Speaker 3:Big corn, big corn's in everything.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Big corn's in our our car, it's in our fuel. Yeah, we're burning, literally they're like hey, we got an idea, put corn in there. Well, does the corn help? No, just fucking put it in there. We need buy more corn, buy more corn. You know what that cereal needs. Because wheat was like. We got an idea yeah, let's put our wheat in milk and call it cereal. And corn was like you better fucking hold your mouth. You better put some goddamn corn in that.
Speaker 3:Hey Monsanto.
Speaker 2:Yeah, get over here. Tortilla chips with flour. The Mexicans were like hey, look at what we have. And big corn was like hold my chip. Yeah, look at this shit. Look at this shit. I made the corn chip. It's called a fucking Dorito.
Speaker 3:Yeah, made out of corn. Kamala Harris' favorite snack.
Speaker 2:Corn. Nacho cheese Dorito. That's my bitch dude. You shouldn't have told me that. Why. Because now I'm back on the Team Kamala.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I guess you don't want the 1950s back, brother, where we had the power Men, what man.
Speaker 2:We had a good night tonight. We did a show. That was not a show, we did a mic.
Speaker 3:It was an open mic. It was a not depressing open mic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there was a crowd. Yeah.
Speaker 3:More people should come out as corn takes over the world more and more.
Speaker 2:We need comedy. We need comedy, we need to laugh.
Speaker 3:Corn and comedy. They go hand in hand. Corn comedy as you become fatter and dumber because of the unstudied effects of every corn distillate.
Speaker 2:Comedy cornucopia. Comedy cornucopia Boom distillate comedy cornucopia comedy, cornucopia.
Speaker 3:Boom. What is a cornucopia? Uh, I thought it was like a big gourd of like. It's like this weird opening thing yeah what is that?
Speaker 2:is that a basket made?
Speaker 3:it's a basket, yeah, and a cherokee basket filled with squash and wampum and acorns, all right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a big word for such a random small thing.
Speaker 3:I think it's pretty cornical, I don't. Let's talk, can we?
Speaker 2:It's a little early, but I want to talk about Thanksgiving.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, it's never too early.
Speaker 2:I don't like Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, now I see where we vote for harris, because when she gets an office she's getting rid of. I'm just saying if, if turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy and cranberry sauce, yeah, if all that shit was great, why aren't we eating it now? Why aren't we taking that to the beach with us? It's heavy cranberries, no, but you know what I mean. We don't eat that any other time.
Speaker 3:If I saw you on the beach, gravy and turkey. I'd be like, yeah, check that yeah, it checks out. Yeah, yeah, we've never gone to the beach together no, we've talked about it because we don't believe in it.
Speaker 2:No, I hate the beach no, but I would just rather have. This was my favorite thing in the military because there was all these cult. You know different cultures. We would have a potluck yeah and then, like the filipino guy would bring lumpia, the mexican dude would bring. Like lumpia is like an egg roll, but better.
Speaker 2:Okay, they've perfected the egg roll, yeah the mexican guy brings you know some fucking tamales and this and that and empanadas and we'd have a potluck and it was great. And then I'd go home for Thanksgiving and there's the mashed potatoes and fucking.
Speaker 3:Stuffing. Yeah, you know what?
Speaker 2:I don't eat on Thanksgiving.
Speaker 3:Skittles.
Speaker 2:Corn. I mean, I'm sure there's corn in something I'm eating, but I'm not having corn.
Speaker 3:Corn takes me back to summers.
Speaker 2:I love corn in the summer, nice corn in the cob, yeah, I mean. And then you know what I love, how the Mexican corn is perfected corn.
Speaker 3:Mexican corn is fantastic.
Speaker 2:It's the best.
Speaker 3:It is fantastic. I love a little Mexican corn on Thanksgiving.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'd do it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2:No, the thing is man who would have thought mayonnaise, lime and some cojita cheese.
Speaker 3:cojita, uh who would have thought mexicans they sure did put the. You put the mayonnaise put a little cojita on there like oh really oh senor, mr george and mr george down there oh dude, that's a funny instagram thing too how much you pay the new guy? 20 dollars too, much and then it's like a house falling down what's?
Speaker 2:or that other guy that he he's like. He says something, he goes like have you seen the one?
Speaker 3:I see a lot of where they fuck up a job.
Speaker 2:They fuck up a project and he goes, mr george no, no, no, there's a white guy and he's like, yeah, he answers the phone.
Speaker 3:I can't remember what he said, god damn it, I've seen a lot of Indian fellas, indian dots, doing like welding work, yeah, and they got to bang the rivet in.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And it's like a dude with like a giant fucking hand, yeah, and then just some Indian guy slamming his hand into the. No, no, not slamming his hand like hitting it.
Speaker 2:But, like you can see that his hand has been slammed and it's like, yeah, we uh, indian people doing electrical work, dude, when I was in the middle east, wow so, when I was deployed, yeah, once in a while, there's a thing called the tcn, which is a third country national. Yeah, so they would hire these guys from parts of India, parts of Laos, thailand, to come work, do construction work, and so they'd make like $30 a week. Yeah, a week, yeah, they would do. They would do rebar by hand.
Speaker 3:Oh damn.
Speaker 2:Yeah Like they would have just like very rudimentary toy um tools, tools.
Speaker 3:Yeah Like, what a fucking chimpanzee would have literally their hands making fucking rebar.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like making yeah, yeah, probably jacked yeah strong that those are the guys that taught me not to drink cold water in the desert yeah, they know, yeah, they would know they would know, and I was like, got it and I that's.
Speaker 3:That's one of those things that's uh stuck with me. You know, like little things like you're told. It's like uh, you know, don't drink cold water on a hot day because it's harder to drink, or yeah a certain group controls the weather.
Speaker 3:It's like little things lick it before you stick it precisely yeah those things, and that's one of those things that I go huh I I think about it I should lick it before I stick it yeah, as I'm drinking uh lukewarm water and thinking about the people who made that hurricane Do what it did.
Speaker 2:I get it.
Speaker 3:I think all conspiracy theories, especially the racial ones, are funny.
Speaker 2:Well, sure.
Speaker 3:Not for everyone, but if you sit back and go, this is pretty the one I've never understood is that Mexicans are lazy. We've talked about this.
Speaker 2:Have we Cause? That's the one I just don't get. Yeah, I will never understand that one, because they're the hardest working people I know.
Speaker 3:I mean there's, there's some white bankers work pretty hard. I mean there's some white bankers who work pretty hard. I mean, there's a lot of.
Speaker 2:But for them to be called lazy to me is just like no, do you think the cartel? Now Puerto Ricans. No, I'm joking.
Speaker 3:But no, it's like do you think the cartel got where it's at? It's not easy to cut a man's jaw off and play Funky Town and shoot him up with adrenaline and make him watch in a mirror. That's not lazy. That's hard work, so like it's all there's here's the thing who's not lazy?
Speaker 3:the mexican cartel, those are some hard-working guys everything everybody says about they're like this group of people does that. There are a group of people in that group of people who do that, and then there's also a group of people in that group of people who are lazy yes, yeah, well, of course, but to I've known hard-working asians. I also knew a very lazy asian who now have you ever met a talentless asian?
Speaker 2:because I haven't like, especially that's from like china yeah the chinese like you see them on tv, like on the internet, like where they're like brother, let me tell you something hard work beats talent.
Speaker 3:99 of the time.
Speaker 2:All right, that's what your wife tells you about your sexual prowess.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I, just like she would tell an Asian man, because we're one in the same more or less. You know I'm not that talented but I walk a lot. I don't think it's wrong that I talk to my wife like that.
Speaker 2:Like that During sex. Yeah, when you do an Asian accent. Yeah, I'm long a dick whatever dan fucking tomly tomlinson went and fucking treated me like that talk about the tomly thomason. When I'm a penetrator, I've already, you know, ricked it and escaped it oh fuck I want to go to ireland dude, I want to go to Ireland we should go. Let's go. You know what Family vacay would be fun. Fuck the family dog, you and me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:How great would that be. That would be fun. We'd have a good time.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, but when we come back it would be a disaster Not maybe for you. You have a little bit more of.
Speaker 2:We should take a vacation Like a weekend, not like a vacation. Vacation Like a two-day, a two or three-dayer yeah.
Speaker 3:This sounds very brokeback we should go hunting.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying like, wouldn't that be fun? Yeah, of course it would. Yeah, dude, that's the dream.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're like, wouldn't you want to? Let's be fun to hang out with your buddy and not and not worry about your, you know, responsibilities. Yeah, wouldn't that be nice, wouldn't that be? Yeah, it'd be great, I would love that. Ah, I was thinking of a more. I was like family vacation, you know yeah with the family. Bring the girls yeah no, all of us.
Speaker 2:that'd be great, that would be fun. So we're actually planning our trips right now. We've come to the conclusion that Christmas you know the wife's Jewish I'm not very Christian yeah, we celebrate Christmas. We'll continue to do so.
Speaker 3:As you should. You're an American.
Speaker 2:Kind of. I mean, that's really why we do it, yeah, but we're thinking of doing less presents on christmas and doing a big vacation every christmas I like that and then just going somewhere an experience, I think means a lot more.
Speaker 3:I got a pogo it will.
Speaker 2:They won't get that, yeah now, but they'll get that later no, totally so I think we're gonna, we're gonna do it they want, and then yeah, well, we do hanukkah too. So like, yeah, you get. Then like we'll do like a little mini Christmas, while we're Christmas with interest, you know it's like ah, look at you, sorry, yeah all right, it was well it just wasn't funny all right, that hurt. I don't know sounded like someone literally just said ooga, booga yeah on the mic downstairs where do you think that came from?
Speaker 2:I don't know, I got some theories we, what do you got going on, dan, let's close this out see, this is what happens every time I was I know you're in the good, you're in a good zone we're getting. I think we're there. I think we're at the goodbye. What time is it? I feel it.
Speaker 3:It's 44 minutes, god damn, I'm good dude.
Speaker 2:45 minutes dude is the magic number.
Speaker 3:Okay, yeah, that's fine. What do I have going on, yeah?
Speaker 2:Not a whole lot, josh.
Speaker 3:I go to work, I go home and I help raise my daughter. I love her tremendously.
Speaker 2:I'm worried about her. Write things. You're still eating donuts and drinking, drinking that milk, oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies the other day for breakfast, but I'm turning it around the cookie, that's your killer, right, it's the cookies.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's gonna take me down. What's your cookie? A choice oatmeal, chocolate chip with a little sea salt on top, and the chocolate chips have to be semi-sweet and 70 cacao okay, this like milk chocolate bullshit I like milk chocolate, but not necessarily on my cookie you're eating fucking a turkey leg dipped in gravy on the beach.
Speaker 3:Of course you love milk chocolate, you fucking ass who it's made for. Yeah yeah, so that's all that's going on. How about you? What's going on in your life? I mean, I talk to you every day there's a lot.
Speaker 2:Tell the fans there's a lot.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah my jesus christ that wouldn't happen in the 50s. I'll tell you that much.
Speaker 2:Oh, jesus, um no nothing.
Speaker 3:uh, wits and charlestoncom yeah, come check it out. It's a good time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I want it to succeed even if you don't live here, like if you live at a you know state yeah go on there buy some tickets. Yeah, don't come to a show, that's fine, just buy some tickets. Yeah, you can call me and say, hey, I'm not coming, but I just wanted to buy tickets donate it to a homeless man yeah, there's plenty of homeless guys next to our building right now bring that vibe in and then it's a real show.
Speaker 3:It's a show within a show.
Speaker 2:Yeah that's what I'm, that's what I, that's what I have going on I think we should also.
Speaker 3:This would be a statement. None of the things we've said tonight we've meant at all no yeah, of course except big corn that's an issue but at the same time it's not.
Speaker 2:If they're listening like I was just joking of course love corn.
Speaker 3:I stick it on my ass and I love it and it makes me feel, it helps me. Come and help me make my daughter, because I stuck the corn up my ass and then my daughter came out and yeah that's the first food.
Speaker 2:Nine months later it came right out.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Out of your pee hole. Yeah Damn.
Speaker 3:Yeah, a little baby crying, corn thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 3:Dropped it off at the fire department, and then the government came in and took it away, cause it's a hybrid. You think we're doing hybrid shit with humans, right? No, you don't think so. No, you don't think there's some lab on some where we got monkey man. Yeah, like some like native boy reservation because sovereign laws. You can get away with some things there.
Speaker 2:No, they they did it a long time ago and I there was no fruition not us, but japan did it in world war ii. It's actually amazing. It's called the attachment. I can't think of the number. It's actually amazing. It's called the detachment. I can't think of the number. It's a three-digit number they did these crazy experiments on uh oh no, they dude they.
Speaker 2:So they did these experiments on the chinese prisoners oh, dude, they were brutal, where a lot of things that are even in military documents now about like how far shrapnel goes with a grenade, because they literally put humans, live humans out there, throw a grenade, blow them up, but then the dark shit they would do is they would like. They would like saw off your arm, attach a cadaver arm yeah to see if it worked. Yeah, they're like oh did not work can you play chess?
Speaker 2:nope oh, now did not work toss them in a pit that's pretty much, and it was horrific some of the shit they did.
Speaker 3:I mean horrific a guy in montana recently. He got six years in federal prison because he was like, uh, cloning sheep but the gist of the article just made it seem like he was making two like awesome sheep fuck and then making an like a really good sheep hey, if you can't let two amazing sheep fuck, that's. That's the american dream this is why we need trump back in office he'll let two, I think it's great, let him fuck let him fuck, let him fuck, it's good.
Speaker 3:I love when sheep fuck. They make sounds. It smells weird.
Speaker 2:I love it all right, this was a. This was a good episode.
Speaker 3:Kamala doesn't want the sheep to fuck. She hates people fucking. The Haitians will fuck the sheep. I don't know what noise what's the shit noise. What is this? Shit noise, I don't know alright, god bless you guys.
