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Lowcountry Lowlifes
Maybe the greatest mediocre podcast you've never heard. Listen to comedian Josh Bates and Dan Sweeney talk about something and nothing all at once. Insightful? Maybe. Entertaining? Kinda. A waste of your time? Absolutely. Oh....and Dan quit the show
Lowcountry Lowlifes
Big Corn
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Our chat then takes a detour into the sometimes precarious world of digestive health—think of it as a candid bathroom confessional. Sharing personal anecdotes about Crohn's disease and IBS, we question the reliability of modern medicine while pondering if environmental factors are the true culprits behind our ailments. With a blend of humor and skepticism, we explore the absurdity of medical diagnoses and the role of pharmaceutical companies. This light-hearted examination of health theories is sure to resonate with anyone who's ever faced the unpredictability of their own body and questioned widely accepted health facts.
As we round out our episode, we tackle a delightful mix of everyday mishaps, comedy, and cultural observations. From tech glitches causing personal photo tragedies to humorous critiques of "big corn" infiltrating our products, we highlight the absurdities of modern life. We also reflect on cultural experiences through stories of military potlucks and holiday traditions, debunking stereotypes with laughter and insight. Tune in for a thought-provoking and entertaining episode that underscores the importance of humor and curiosity in understanding the complexities of the world around us.
all right, fuck it, we'll go live.
Speaker 3Dude, dude I'm turning it down. I know I know turning the volume down, who knows what it sounds like?
Speaker 2slow fade we need a producer, dan slow fade. You know what, dan. You know what we're missing, what we're missing a producer. I know, fade. You know what, dan. You know what we're missing, what we're missing a producer I know, but you know what people don't want, although this would be the perfect time when I get a good haitian from springfield yeah guy who's willing to work chase the american dream.
Speaker 2You're like hey, we'll teach you the ones and twos of podcast producing yeah, you know what else I'll chase what ducks cats and dogs, no, but having a producer mainly the american dream, and that's yeah, and that's what this is yes that's what this podcast is all about chasing the american chasing the america dream and putting donald j trump back in office.
Speaker 3Yes, I'm glad we were finally open about we're funded by the right yeah, oh the far right which, in turn, we found out recently, is russia, so we're funded by russia yeah and q and q, obviously q, q and on yeah mr q and on um. He's been oddly silent this year. I think Q's taken.
Speaker 2Did you hear the theory that Melania Trump was Q? I'm like she doesn't know how to use a keyboard.
Speaker 3Yeah, no, I, she's a hot Q.
Speaker 2You think she's attractive? I mean she's got a smoke show body but her face is kind of.
Speaker 3She's like 60, isn't she?
Speaker 2Oh, if she's 60, God bless her.
Speaker 3And she's Eastern European. So I mean it's a miracle she's even alive, because those people have very, very low life expectancies. Yeah, I think during the Cold War the life expectancy of an Eastern European Soviet bloc person was like 57.
Speaker 2Was that medical care and diet? Yeah, because she got out of there pretty early and will, and just a general will to live. Is it weird that every, every single time I see like a russian eastern european woman, I instantly think she's a prostitute or she's a cam girl. You know why? Yeah naturally. Yeah, that's their main export.
Speaker 3Of course, yeah, that oil, timber and fertilizer.
Speaker 2And anal sex.
Speaker 3And Russian cam models. Yeah. Yeah, oh, I talked to a couple Ruskies back in the day, oh yeah. Oh, yeah, like hello.
Speaker 2Dan.
Speaker 3Hello Dan. Hey, what are you doing?
Speaker 2I'm going to make a pathetic penis via webcam webcam and I'll make you splooge out of it for 20 dollars, for 20 a minute, and I'm like, oh shit, I better make this quick. Remember when russia was about to be cool, you know 2000s yeah, putin was on time before 9-11 yeah, before pre-9-11 pre-9-11 they were actually very nice during 9-11.
Speaker 3Yeah, because during that time, yeah, when we were going, we're putin and uh, putin really wanted joy. He's like I really hope george bush likes me. George was like I like him. He's. He's funny looking. He's got a weird nose and I I could have a drink with. I looked in his soul. Do you remember that speech? He's like I looked in the man's soul and I cupped his balls and I realized he's a good man and he speaks and they were so when we were going to go into Iraq and all that stuff, they were fighting the Chechens.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 3So like we were both going against. And then I think Putin saw what we were doing and he's like ooh, Even.
Speaker 2Putin was like the war in the middle east is a bit much well, which is funny, because they were fighting the afghans for yeah, forever, yeah, when the 80s right in the 80s for like 15 years.
Speaker 3Dude I dude, this is my take they sent us that nice teardrop memorial from from 9-11.
Speaker 2Oh yeah, yeah, very Very nice.
Speaker 3Made from the finest Chinese artisans and then shipped over to Russia.
Speaker 2I'm going to break it to our audience.
Speaker 3Okay.
Speaker 2We're going to war with Russia in the next year and a half.
Speaker 3Yeah, yeah, you think so.
Speaker 2Here's the problem.
Speaker 3Break it down for me.
Speaker 2We've been putting Patriot and missiles closer and closer to Russian soil, so that's been what's really pissing them off the most.
Speaker 3Well, nato, the whole reason NATO exists, was a response to Russia, correct?
Speaker 2Absolutely. I mean, that's literally the only reason it exists. That's their charter. So the problem is is in ukraine while we're fighting? This proxy war, yeah, we all know about. I won't go into detail about that.
Speaker 3We've been doing that since the 40s, did you know? Oh, proxy wars, yeah, like oss, the precursor to the cia, and right after world war two they're like the cuba, dude, cuba, yeah, come on, dude come on, no, but okay I so here.
Speaker 2Here's the problem. The problem is is we've been supplying ukraines with a ton of shit. That's not the problem. Please keep calling them ukraines just don't call them ukraines we've been supplying ukraines these ukraines yeah no, but listen, hear me out I'm listening so the problem now is we're going to start giving them missiles to launch into Russian sovereignty.
Speaker 3Yes.
Speaker 2Russia said that's an act of war.
Speaker 3Makes sense.
Speaker 2And Congress our current, you know, our senator here.
Speaker 3Lindsey Graham Like signing bombs and shit.
Speaker 2Well, yeah, but Lindsey Graham supports it. Congress right now they're saying about 70% support us. Giving them missiles to launch into russia. We will be at war with russia. If we do that, they'll declare war, but there won't be any actual combat until something happens. We might get involved in ukraine. Maybe the middle east starts spilling over somewhere. Russia gets involved, maybe a little bit too. It's where it gets dicey, but it's going to happen in the next year and a half okay, it's a fair prediction oh, it's not a prediction, brother oh, it's a problem this is a promise oh
Speaker 3first low country, low lies, promise what does that mean for the price of bubble gum in the united states?
Speaker 2that's a good question, dan yeah, um yeah, not a whole lot. Here's the problem.
Speaker 3These striking longshoremen are going to hurt us more than anything.
Speaker 2Dude, the traffic has been amazing.
Speaker 3Yeah, there's been no traffic around Charleston, half the city is longshoremen.
Speaker 2Every other car is a fucking semi-truck. Yeah. Going to the port? Yeah, not today, nope. I love it. Yeah, it's nice, keep striking. Yeah, I am pro union right now, commie, I love it it's so interesting watching it.
Speaker 3I the devol, everybody devolving, yeah, I just, I it's. I don't love it, but it's very like.
Speaker 3No, I don't think anybody's agreed on anything after covid, dude after covid, no one works anymore, no one cares anymore about anything covid fractured everybody's minds yeah some people are like I believe everything I'm told, ever and always will yeah and the other half that are like harp is using direct energy weapons to burn down maui yeah and we all were injected with poison and I and both sides are very compelling sure where I go. Yeah, no, you all, I, I can't people who can make decisions like and do you?
Speaker 2envy that, or do you?
Speaker 3I told you yeah, I'm like that's really good for you that you can just push out all the other knowledge of everything else and be like, yeah, no, this is what it definitely is.
Speaker 2See, this is, I think, why you and I have continued our relationship for as long as we have six years yes. Um going on seven going on six right or going on seven.
Speaker 3We're in the sixth right now. All right, going on six right or going on seven.
Speaker 2We're in the sixth right now. All right, yeah, god damn. Yeah, it's been a minute, I think I would change my greeting card. I got you okay. But what I love about us is both you and I can listen to something and go. You know what. That's a good point. I didn't think of it that way no that's a old american tradition and pastime that has been long forgotten yeah and both you and I can do that to one another.
Speaker 2We go, you know what. Maybe there is some merit to that it is a comforting thing. I found comfort in admitting to myself that I'm not smart well, like shakespeare said, but if a wise man knows himself to be a fool, yeah and the fool knows him, thinks he is wise.
Speaker 3Yes.
Speaker 2I said that backwards, but yeah.
Speaker 3Yeah, as the way Shakespeare intended.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 3Because that's an argument right there. Well, that's really what Shakespeare. He wrote it wrong because the Jews were making him write it that way. You know that's what? And Dan's like I kind of believe it. I mean, saul Weinberg was his literary agent. You know, it's like it's. The whole conspiracy thing is so interesting now because, it's in the mainstream now. Like my in-laws are up in Western Carolina, I hope Jesus rides a unicorn up there and does something, because it's terrible, that's probably not going to happen.
Speaker 3No, and it's so weird because I remember when Katrina happened.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 3And I was just like okay, and I remember people we were young. Yeah, but that was when Kanye West was like George Bush hates black people. Yeah.
Speaker 2And Mike Myers was right there. He's like oh shit. And then we never heard from Mike Myers again.
Speaker 3Yeah, he did the love guru after that, or?
Speaker 2something.
Speaker 3Yeah again. Yeah, he did the love guru after that or something, yeah, and then his whole life changed. Yeah, but now it's like nobody's like really going up there right now and the end. But this is the point. This is the point where I go where's the president?
Speaker 2like why isn't he's there right now?
Speaker 3why isn't he flying in on marine one?
Speaker 2because he he's there right now.
Speaker 3He's there now. Yeah, he should have been there during the storm riding a canoe.
Speaker 2He wanted an 80-year-old man out there riding a canoe.
Speaker 3Down a river and saving people, hey, throwing goldfish. Hey man, hey get on my canoe.
Speaker 2Come here, man.
Speaker 3Come on what you got a little baby.
Speaker 2But he was there. He was there. But I do hear. It is weird like I listen to npr uh podcast. It's the daily news and the and the guy is like an older guy. He sounds cool, sounds like an old superman cartoon kind of thing where he's like uh and also in the news uh, hurricane helene. Uh, oh, I love devastated. Uh, from florida south carolina, hurricane Helene. Oh, I love Devastated from Florida, south Carolina and North Carolina Also in the news and I'm like what the fuck? No.
Speaker 2How about talk about how it got fucked.
Speaker 3That is the news.
Speaker 2Like that is the news.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 2And it's hard to hear about any other news when that's going on.
Speaker 3Well, the big. Thing.
Speaker 2I think we should stop podcasting right now.
Speaker 3Go up to and go podcasting right now go up to and go up there and help out. Yeah, you know what I've thought about that, yeah where I'd be like it'd be so good to just, yeah, pack, pack, my things get bring your chainsaw yeah, exactly yeah go up there and just start cutting limbs and yeah, throw big saving babies and shit dipping yeah putting grandma on your shoulder dog out of a river you know yeah dust them off.
Speaker 2Be like you're all right now fella but I go, man, it's gonna be real sticky and hot up there I hate taking shits, and not my bathroom.
Speaker 3Bathrooms that aren't mine, I don't like it yeah my shit schedule's all off recently it hasn't been waking up early like a farmer yeah that's my big thing now. Yeah, wake up at 5 30, 5, 15 so you're, you're awake in the morning, have your coffee and then take a shit usually yeah but I quit the darts yeah and it's been a, it's been almost, it's been a little over, it's been a year since you've shit.
Speaker 2It's been 14 months since you had a cigarette yes, and the cigarette was the primer yeah you know how it's like.
Discussion on Health and Food Theories
Speaker 3It's like the carrot, it's like there's the wick yeah and then the cares, and then it needs the flint yeah cigarette was the flint for the shit sure kerosene shit yeah I don't have it anymore. So now I'm like waiting, and then I'm like, well shit, I gotta go. I'm gonna go to work now. I'm shitting in like the worst warehouse bathroom every day dan, you can't dude.
Speaker 2Listen, this is what you do. You get up in the morning, have your cup of coffee. Then I want you to go to the bathroom, start fingering your asshole like just get a little bit of Vaseline on it. But when you finger it you gotta twist you want me to express my anal?
Speaker 3you gotta twist yeah like I'm a dog like you're a dog you gotta squeeze them.
Speaker 2Squeeze the anal gland and you gotta let yeah, you to just get out that initial.
Speaker 3Yeah, the initial plug. It's like we gave the baby solids right and I called you. Yeah, I was like she's stuffed up, she's like you know, it's like there's a ship and she's the bottle and it's. Yeah, yeah and everything.
Speaker 2Yeah, do you need me to finger your ass?
Speaker 3I wouldn't mind, it would make. It would make.
Speaker 2Would you feel less awkward if it was me?
Speaker 3It would make me feel less gay if you fingered my ass, yeah, yeah. Damn, but no, it's so. Life's a. I did something bad.
Speaker 2So now you're shitting in the warehouse.
Speaker 3Yeah, and I'm trying to get back on schedule Some days. It's good Are? You a one-a-day guy yeah, maybe twice, here and there. Yeah, depends on what I'm eating.
Speaker 2Man, I have stomach issues.
Speaker 3I can't imagine your shits. I bet they're just.
Speaker 2Brutal? No, they're not.
Speaker 3They're fine. There's just a lot I consider it like. Western North Carolina, where for the longest time it's like a drought Nothing's really happening. People are like it'd be nice if there's some wet. You know, to kind of like relief this feeling of and then Hurricane Helene comes and just wipes everything out. Yeah, it's good spilling over. You know hazmats. There's a guy dropping out with a helicopter.
Speaker 2Rescuing people.
Speaker 3Yeah, and you're just ugh.
Speaker 2Yeah, what do?
Speaker 3you have Crohn's. Yeah well, I have Decades of melt Doritos.
Speaker 2No, no, no, no, no, well, that too. So it's hard to decipher, but really so. I was diagnosed with crohn's disease. Okay, but uh, the last colonoscopy I had, the doc was like you don't have crohn's this is your asshole, and it's no, but he was like you don't have crohn's, he's like you have severe ibd, the old irritable bowel syndrome.
Speaker 2Oh, crohn's disease is a, I think, got fancy. For a while it was like the the coolest new thing that the all the doctors were saying that you had and then they would prescribe you some shit yeah and little is known about crohn's disease. Actually, the stomach is right behind the brain as far as doctors, not knowing what the fuck. And you heard the stomach is your second brain. Have you heard that?
Speaker 3I haven't until now, but that makes sense, but I have heard that Crohn's didn't become a thing until we started injecting all these children with poison.
Speaker 2That's the funny thing where I go huh, but I don't know and I don't think that, but I also go huh see, I think the only time that your inquisitive nature does you wrong is when there are facts in front of you yes and you go yeah, but who wrote these?
Speaker 3well, no, which is fine, but then you go.
Speaker 2Well, is there something nefarious going on that made them create this, to make me believe that?
Speaker 3well, the interest, you know what I mean. Yeah, totally, I totally agree with you.
Speaker 2That's where I think you start going on the deep end a little bit.
Speaker 3A hundred percent, because that's where you go. Well, what is a fact?
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 3And it's like you can look up in history of things that have happened where the information was not revealed. The true information was not revealed because if the true information was to come out, it's true, because you think about it, because like right now.
Speaker 2The scientific method is you come up with your writing hypothesis yeah, and you're all of your conclusions and everything. But then other people, yeah, will come and test your method, yeah, and they will all come together as a community and say, yay or nay, it's a peer group, it's a peer group. At the same time I go well, that's science, baby, that works. But then I go, well, if we're all like that, the sun revolves around the earth and all the peers say, yeah, you're right, that's science baby. So it is hard.
Speaker 2But most of the time when something is known as a fact in the scientific community, it does go through quite a rigorous testing.
Speaker 3Sponsored by Pfizer, but it does.
Speaker 3It does 100%, 100%. But then there's people who will say that it's like 85% of the things that are currently in operating rooms are not actually tested by the FDA prior to approval. And you go huh, yeah, and you go, who is this guy? And he goes I used to work for them. And then you go huh. And then you go, do I want to look deeper into this? And like start dealing Is this guy actually could? And then you go well, so there's somebody saying that, something that seems kind of logical.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 2But it's going against the grain of what I think of when I think highway of things. When I think of conspiracy theories, I always go are there too many? If there's too many people that know the secret, then it's not real Because there's no way that secret would be kept. Like there's too many people, there's too many different companies making the vaccine. There's too many people making the vaccine, too many scientists that understand the concepts for it to really If anything. I think like autism and all these things. I think, if anything, it's in our food Because you look around the world.
Speaker 3Our food's fucked.
Speaker 2Yeah, the autism, all these things. I think, if anything, it's in our food, because you look around the world, our food's fucked. Yeah, the autism levels in england or in australia are much different than they are in america.
Speaker 3That's why we went with um formula. Uh, we actually went with australian formula yeah and then there was this article that came out yeah they're like yeah, there's a fuck ton of aluminum. And then kangaroo dehydrated fucking dude. I wouldn't mind if kangaroos is because like okay, great. Whatever keeps my kid healthy, she's getting marsupial protein Like that's fine, but like when metals like heavy metals and stuff you go.
Speaker 2Well, you know, this is an 80s hairband Like yeah, dusty Slate talked about it on his podcast recently, about his garden beds that he put up. He's like the wood is treated with a certain chemical, yeah, and then once it rains or once you're gardening, all of that seeps into your soil and so you think you're making all these healthy vegetables and they're poison. You're poisoning yourself.
Speaker 3He's slightly right about that, because the current pressure treated wood now isn't used with. I forget the chemical that was. Current pressure-treated wood now isn't used with. I forget the chemical that was. It was some kind of metal back in the day. That would totally mess you up. But I think now it's not as but besides the point. It's like the Froot Loops in Canada or the Froot Loops in Europe are totally different than they have like six ingredients.
Speaker 3I think there's like 700 ingredients that are approved in europe and there's like 10 000 that are approved here we've talked about on this, on this podcast, a lot.
Speaker 2Yeah, big corn baby big corn.
Speaker 3I honestly big corn's at the heart of a lot of things. I think big corn is autism I think big corn did 9-11 you know what? I wouldn't be surprised. Right, those guys hijacked a plane.
Speaker 2They said were box cutters, but really it was just serrated it was those, it was those corn, the yeah, those things that you stick on the side of your corn on the cob yes, those things I used to.
Speaker 3I stuck myself a few times do those have names?
Speaker 2uh and the corn spears yeah, they're always like little baby corns yeah, they. And they look cute.
Speaker 3Yeah, and you just.
Speaker 2Wouldn't that be cool. Like you live in China and they're like no it wouldn't be cool to live in. China. No, no, no. But like, what does your daddy do? And you're like oh, my daddy makes those little tiny corn thingies on the side of you know what I man.
Speaker 3He make a corn thing. Go in the cob and you eat a fourth of july exactly corn man.
Speaker 2See now some people that are listening to this say I don't care, and say that was racist, that wasn't racist. That's what they sound like yes some, not all of them a certain dialect in china. That's what it sounds like.
Speaker 3Of course, If I go over there and I'm like knee, how man, how you doing.
Speaker 2Have you, have you ever heard when, like someone in China or like in the Middle East, does an impression of America? Yeah, americans. It's hilarious because they're not using English words, but they're like hey you phoenix, you do go and man, you're like that's pretty good. Yeah, it's pretty good. I'm not offended by it.
Speaker 3One of my favorite videos is I think it's a Japanese man and he's singing.
Speaker 2Maybe turn the lights down low.
Speaker 3Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, he's all in costume, he's singing strong and slow.
Speaker 2Dude, they don't hey Japanese. Don't fuck with karaoke, dude. And then he's like oh, thank you very much. One of my favorite current videos, yeah, is when that, uh, the handicapped kid is his big brother takes him to a club. Yeah, and they're uh like an edm. They're boy girls.
Speaker 2No, they're uh, they're all lady boys oh, yeah, yeah yeah, and he's, and he explains it to his handicapped brother. They're lady boys. He goes no, they're not. Yeah, and then he sees the show and then at the end, the little filipino chick and he's like enjoying it, yeah he takes his eyelashes off and it's a guy and just his face of what the fuck?
Speaker 1yeah, he just starts smashing things, big corn you know, that's big corn, that's big corn behind it, yeah kennedy assassination big corn big yeah, because we will not have corn on the cob yeah we will not have corn syrup era in Coca-Cola.
Speaker 3Yeah, I think it definitely is a food.
Speaker 2I think it's a food. I think America is at a food crisis with our chemicals.
Speaker 3I think it's a conjunction of things where we are captured by corporations and the people bear all the brunt of their liabilities, and they have. They have no one to answer to. No, and I think that's a dangerous place.
Speaker 2The laws that are on the books, with farming, like the meat industry, the packing industry, pesticides they the way the laws are written by them, because they wrote the laws are so bulletproof. Yeah, you, like you said, you can't do anything about it?
Speaker 3No, which is that is scary. As a normal person, if you were to be like, hey, I'm going to sell you this car. You're like, oh cool. And they're like, but if anything goes wrong with it, you can't do anything to us, and you'd be like what do you mean? They're like nothing, it's fine, it's completely safe. Have what do you mean? They're like nothing, it's fine, it's completely safe. Have you done any tests on it? No, but it's fine. Yeah, we did a test on it. How did it go? I'm not telling you.
Speaker 2You just explained big corn. I explained a lot of big things and meat like beef.
Speaker 3Big corn, big pharma, big chocolate.
Speaker 2Auto industry even.
Speaker 3Big chocolate, I think, is a different thing, that's my porn search. He's across the street right now. Yeah, I get scared.
Speaker 2You get scared.
Speaker 3Of course. But I let go because God is good. I've given up on figuring things out. But I also get kind of scared when people really start picking sides.
Speaker 2The next time I ever want you when you get really worried about it and you're thinking about it.
Speaker 3Just remember january 24th yeah, I remember 26 brother, well no no, no, january 24th 2025, yeah, when donald j trump back in the office, back in the office. We're gonna, we're gonna be fine that's when we get our country back yeah, we make america great again again.
Speaker 2Now are we making america great again again yeah, it's part two electric boogaloo yeah is it, but it doesn't have a new phrase I don't know, I don't pay attention to him yeah, what am I gonna do? I don't know.
Speaker 3I thought maybe you knew I've recently been checking in on his truths that he's been dropping on.
Speaker 2Oh yeah, his truths, which is now a verb.
Speaker 3Yeah, there is a thing where I and I told you this the other night and I'll say it. I was like I'm more comfortable with Donald Trump than Kamala Harris, and you were like what the fuck.
Speaker 2And the way I expressed, expressed it.
Speaker 3I was like, yeah, it's just a gut thing. I was like the devil, you know, is better than the w don't. Yeah, and he can't, and he's not controlled, he's. So that's to me, that's insane to me. Yeah, you're like I want a controlled puppet.
Speaker 2I want a little muppet person. It's insane to me the idea that again. But go ahead I don't care I know you don't, and that's. That was a really, when you said that, that when we had that conversation, I was telling you things and you were like Josh, it doesn't matter what you say, this is how I feel about this and I was like, alright, fair enough don't you go with your gut you know who went with their gut yeah big corn big corn went with our gut.
Speaker 3That's the problem. Yeah, that's why their guts will take it.
Tech Mishap and Taboo Topics
Speaker 2That's why you're not shitting and I'm shitting too much.
Speaker 3I did something bad. I wanted a big marriage. Faux pas.
Speaker 2What'd you do?
Speaker 3It's not what you think.
Speaker 2No, no, no, I'm thinking it. Hold on, let me, let me, let me think, let me think.
Speaker 3Hold on. I didn't kill a hooker in Barry.
Speaker 2Did you tell your wife that she needed to go to the gym?
Speaker 3No, okay, this is actually.
Speaker 2Not as bad as like that that would be? What'd you do?
Speaker 3There's a song the Beach Boys Shorten and Bread.
Speaker 2It's a bootleg version oh, I know.
Speaker 3Bootleg version on YouTube. Took the Rodecaster ripped it, made it into an mp3. I wanted to put it on my phone, start the day off. I'm trying to get the boys over at the shop every morning. I put on shortening bread. I'm like, isn't this the shit? And they loved it and now they hate it. But I think it's going to come back around where they're like okay, this is the best song. Anyway, the only way I could get it on my phone with fucking Apple music was I had to sync my computer to my phone. So I was like, okay, yeah, I'll just sync my music to my phone.
Speaker 2But it took unloaded everything onto your computer.
Speaker 3It wiped everything off my computer and made everything that was on my phone onto my computer. So I lost years of photographs that I had of Katie and I on our honeymoon, the apartments we lit, the house we lit. Like all of those photos, were just gone.
Speaker 2Were you able to restore it?
Speaker 3No.
Speaker 2So you think I can restore it. Yes, take your computer, do a computer shop. Yeah. Like one of these that are ran by Bitcoin. Yeah. But like they're ran by, Indians. No, I think, maybe like some Asian dudes, okay, but like those Apple repair shops and computer repair shops, take it to one of those places. Okay, they might be able to get. They might be able to get them for you.
Speaker 3I don't think so, cause I went deep on the internet.
Speaker 2Is that a Mac?
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 2Dude, do you have a backup? You have time travel, do I have?
Speaker 3time travel. Yeah, all Macs do. Oh, I can time travel. Yeah, oh, I didn't know that you can just go back in time, baby, I'll just time travel. Yeah, oh, okay.
Speaker 2No, no, no, I'm being serious.
Speaker 3I know. There is a time travel thing on there. I thought you were.
Speaker 2She was so upset do it, and then you know what she's gonna be so happy. She's gonna just start blowing you as soon as you get home I doubt it yeah I doubt it too, we had chili tonight, oh yeah chili is automatic no sex night. Gassy blowjobs are not, unless you're sorry, I drank when you just said that yeah, I was hoping for a spit-tank Gassy blowjob. Yeah, that's funny Did she blow you with her butt. No, that's anal sex.
Speaker 3No, but I know that it's a sin too. Yeah, but it's legal. It is now.
Speaker 2Now.
Speaker 3Before it's so weird how they're like. Jebediah Watkins and smith will be hung today for sodomy because he put his dick in her butt and she lacked it.
Speaker 2No like. The guy walks up like everyone's in town square. Hey, what did jebediah do? Did he murder someone? No, did he old man haskins livestock, nah worse he put his wiener in her butt, but oh my god but that's where the waste comes from.
Speaker 3I know I know isn't it downright sinful?
Speaker 2we only put our penis where the babies come from and the blood comes from isn't that right, mel mel's like yeah, yeah he looks over at bob and bob's like don't, don't tell. Bob's like, don't tell him. Don't tell him our secret.
Speaker 3The only way we keep this going is by having sex with women.
Comedy and Corn
Speaker 2You know something I think about. We're upstairs in the green room of the comedy club Witsandcharlestoncom. No big deal Please come by. I always get nervous that we're up here podcasting and everyone downstairs is getting like murdered. Yeah, yeah. But it's nervous that we're up here podcasting and everyone downstairs is getting like murdered. Yeah, yeah, but it's early now, oh, it's dark out yeah, it's late, yeah and the sun's down well, yeah, it's, it's, it's october, it is it's kind of nice.
Speaker 3Yeah, I like it. Spooky season, best time of year, yeah, but the wife got really upset yeah about the picture.
Speaker 2This podcast is over. We're gonna try to time travel um and was saying like mean things. You piece of fucking shit. I knew you'd do something like this. You're just trying to erase me from my life and I'm like what are you talking?
Speaker 3I was like it's an accident and she's like you're not reacting like you're being irrational, like no, she's like, I was just like. I'm so sorry, that's not and then your road trip was on and I was like this is this is a good move.
Speaker 2You seen this on? Yeah, she's like are you fucking serious?
Speaker 3she's like yeah, I fucking put it on because I'm fucking sad and I need something to make me happy. And then it's like that scene where, like that, he's like trick euro trip is so good, it's a good movie I used. That, used to be my I like road trip that's a little sweet treat.
Speaker 2Road trip I never saw road trip, oh wait no with amy smart tommy and tom green yeah, I've seen road trip but euro trip. I think it's better brother, euro trip is.
Speaker 3That was my tip movie back in the day yeah like we had a copy of eurotrip and I was like let's watch eurotrip. And then she'd be like he's like you got something on your uh, your shirt, and she's like where, and then she's like rubbing her and you take, it's very early 2000s.
Speaker 2Scotty doesn't know that, fiona and me oh, yeah, anyway point being yeah, it's always very interesting when uh you know who wouldn't have fucking lost all that data? Dan Tommy Tomlinson, my high school boyfriend.
Speaker 3Yeah, he had thick fingers.
Speaker 2He had thick fingers and he owns a fucking paint company now.
Speaker 3Yeah, he's successful.
Speaker 2Yeah, not like you. You fucking elevator bitch, come home and you're dusty, telling you're stupid, and trying to go out at night and telling your dumb jokes.
Speaker 3Your jokes suck they suck, yeah, I felt terrible.
Speaker 2You fucked up, dude.
Speaker 3But I was like I'm sorry.
Speaker 2Yeah, there's nothing you could have done at that point.
Speaker 3It was a complete act. I'm not good with technology.
Speaker 2Shut up bitch.
Speaker 3Is that what you said? Oh, dude, sometimes I think like I'm like the 50s, like when men go. It's so terrible that you know things like that happen. I'm like shut up, what are you talking? What are you talking about? What are you when men are like, it's so much better. I'm like, what are you talking about?
Speaker 2that's why they call it the greatest generation dan what are you talking about?
Speaker 3first of all, the only reason women's lib happened was because the rockefellers made it happen and wonder why big corn, big corn, so they could tax us and we.
Speaker 2And then women could buy more corn. Well, you know what tampons are made out of corn corn husks corn ponds, corn ponds, corn ponds. I bet you.
Speaker 3I bet if we look it up there's some. A Native American tampon was a corn husk.
Speaker 2I bet you anything Corn has. There's some corn in some type of female hygienic.
Speaker 3There's corn in everything.
Speaker 2Yeah, there's corn in that tampon, if there's corn not going in, there's corn coming out. That's what big corn gets tattooed on their chest. See this. Corn ain't going in, corn's coming out, yeah we're all worried about, like the fucking you know, Illuminati and shit. You need to worry about big corn brother.
Speaker 3Big corn, big corn's in everything.
Speaker 2Oh yeah.
Speaker 3Oh yeah.
Speaker 2Big corn's in our our car, it's in our fuel. Yeah, we're burning, literally they're like hey, we got an idea, put corn in there. Well, does the corn help? No, just fucking put it in there. We need buy more corn, buy more corn. You know what that cereal needs. Because wheat was like. We got an idea yeah, let's put our wheat in milk and call it cereal. And corn was like you better fucking hold your mouth. You better put some goddamn corn in that.
Speaker 3Hey Monsanto.
Speaker 2Yeah, get over here. Tortilla chips with flour. The Mexicans were like hey, look at what we have. And big corn was like hold my chip. Yeah, look at this shit. Look at this shit. I made the corn chip. It's called a fucking Dorito.
Speaker 3Yeah, made out of corn. Kamala Harris' favorite snack.
Speaker 2Corn. Nacho cheese Dorito. That's my bitch dude. You shouldn't have told me that. Why. Because now I'm back on the Team Kamala.
Speaker 3Yeah, I guess you don't want the 1950s back, brother, where we had the power Men, what man.
Speaker 2We had a good night tonight. We did a show. That was not a show, we did a mic.
Speaker 3It was an open mic. It was a not depressing open mic.
Speaker 2Yeah, there was a crowd. Yeah.
Speaker 3More people should come out as corn takes over the world more and more.
Speaker 2We need comedy. We need comedy, we need to laugh.
Speaker 3Corn and comedy. They go hand in hand. Corn comedy as you become fatter and dumber because of the unstudied effects of every corn distillate.
Speaker 2Comedy cornucopia. Comedy cornucopia Boom distillate comedy cornucopia comedy, cornucopia.
Speaker 3Boom. What is a cornucopia? Uh, I thought it was like a big gourd of like. It's like this weird opening thing yeah what is that?
Speaker 2is that a basket made?
Speaker 3it's a basket, yeah, and a cherokee basket filled with squash and wampum and acorns, all right.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's a big word for such a random small thing.
Speaker 3I think it's pretty cornical, I don't. Let's talk, can we?
Speaker 2It's a little early, but I want to talk about Thanksgiving.
Speaker 3Yeah, no, it's never too early.
Speaker 2I don't like Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, now I see where we vote for harris, because when she gets an office she's getting rid of. I'm just saying if, if turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy and cranberry sauce, yeah, if all that shit was great, why aren't we eating it now? Why aren't we taking that to the beach with us? It's heavy cranberries, no, but you know what I mean. We don't eat that any other time.
Speaker 3If I saw you on the beach, gravy and turkey. I'd be like, yeah, check that yeah, it checks out. Yeah, yeah, we've never gone to the beach together no, we've talked about it because we don't believe in it.
Cultural Potluck and Holiday Traditions
Speaker 2No, I hate the beach no, but I would just rather have. This was my favorite thing in the military because there was all these cult. You know different cultures. We would have a potluck yeah and then, like the filipino guy would bring lumpia, the mexican dude would bring. Like lumpia is like an egg roll, but better.
Speaker 2Okay, they've perfected the egg roll, yeah the mexican guy brings you know some fucking tamales and this and that and empanadas and we'd have a potluck and it was great. And then I'd go home for Thanksgiving and there's the mashed potatoes and fucking.
Speaker 3Stuffing. Yeah, you know what?
Speaker 2I don't eat on Thanksgiving.
Speaker 3Skittles.
Speaker 2Corn. I mean, I'm sure there's corn in something I'm eating, but I'm not having corn.
Speaker 3Corn takes me back to summers.
Speaker 2I love corn in the summer, nice corn in the cob, yeah, I mean. And then you know what I love, how the Mexican corn is perfected corn.
Speaker 3Mexican corn is fantastic.
Speaker 2It's the best.
Speaker 3It is fantastic. I love a little Mexican corn on Thanksgiving.
Speaker 2Yeah, I'd do it.
Speaker 3Yeah, I mean, there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2No, the thing is man who would have thought mayonnaise, lime and some cojita cheese.
Speaker 3cojita, uh who would have thought mexicans they sure did put the. You put the mayonnaise put a little cojita on there like oh really oh senor, mr george and mr george down there oh dude, that's a funny instagram thing too how much you pay the new guy? 20 dollars too, much and then it's like a house falling down what's?
Speaker 2or that other guy that he he's like. He says something, he goes like have you seen the one?
Speaker 3I see a lot of where they fuck up a job.
Speaker 2They fuck up a project and he goes, mr george no, no, no, there's a white guy and he's like, yeah, he answers the phone.
Speaker 3I can't remember what he said, god damn it, I've seen a lot of Indian fellas, indian dots, doing like welding work, yeah, and they got to bang the rivet in.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 3And it's like a dude with like a giant fucking hand, yeah, and then just some Indian guy slamming his hand into the. No, no, not slamming his hand like hitting it.
Speaker 2But, like you can see that his hand has been slammed and it's like, yeah, we uh, indian people doing electrical work, dude, when I was in the middle east, wow so, when I was deployed, yeah, once in a while, there's a thing called the tcn, which is a third country national. Yeah, so they would hire these guys from parts of India, parts of Laos, thailand, to come work, do construction work, and so they'd make like $30 a week. Yeah, a week, yeah, they would do. They would do rebar by hand.
Speaker 3Oh damn.
Speaker 2Yeah Like they would have just like very rudimentary toy um tools, tools.
Speaker 3Yeah Like, what a fucking chimpanzee would have literally their hands making fucking rebar.
Speaker 2Yeah, like making yeah, yeah, probably jacked yeah strong that those are the guys that taught me not to drink cold water in the desert yeah, they know, yeah, they would know they would know, and I was like, got it and I that's.
Speaker 3That's one of those things that's uh stuck with me. You know, like little things like you're told. It's like uh, you know, don't drink cold water on a hot day because it's harder to drink, or yeah a certain group controls the weather.
Speaker 3It's like little things lick it before you stick it precisely yeah those things, and that's one of those things that I go huh I I think about it I should lick it before I stick it yeah, as I'm drinking uh lukewarm water and thinking about the people who made that hurricane Do what it did.
Speaker 2I get it.
Speaker 3I think all conspiracy theories, especially the racial ones, are funny.
Speaker 2Well, sure.
Speaker 3Not for everyone, but if you sit back and go, this is pretty the one I've never understood is that Mexicans are lazy. We've talked about this.
Speaker 2Have we Cause? That's the one I just don't get. Yeah, I will never understand that one, because they're the hardest working people I know.
Speaker 3I mean there's, there's some white bankers work pretty hard. I mean there's some white bankers who work pretty hard. I mean, there's a lot of.
Speaker 2But for them to be called lazy to me is just like no, do you think the cartel? Now Puerto Ricans. No, I'm joking.
Speaker 3But no, it's like do you think the cartel got where it's at? It's not easy to cut a man's jaw off and play Funky Town and shoot him up with adrenaline and make him watch in a mirror. That's not lazy. That's hard work, so like it's all there's here's the thing who's not lazy?
Speaker 3the mexican cartel, those are some hard-working guys everything everybody says about they're like this group of people does that. There are a group of people in that group of people who do that, and then there's also a group of people in that group of people who are lazy yes, yeah, well, of course, but to I've known hard-working asians. I also knew a very lazy asian who now have you ever met a talentless asian?
Speaker 2because I haven't like, especially that's from like china yeah the chinese like you see them on tv, like on the internet, like where they're like brother, let me tell you something hard work beats talent.
Speaker 399 of the time.
Speaker 2All right, that's what your wife tells you about your sexual prowess.
Speaker 3Yeah, and I, just like she would tell an Asian man, because we're one in the same more or less. You know I'm not that talented but I walk a lot. I don't think it's wrong that I talk to my wife like that.
Speaker 2Like that During sex. Yeah, when you do an Asian accent. Yeah, I'm long a dick whatever dan fucking tomly tomlinson went and fucking treated me like that talk about the tomly thomason. When I'm a penetrator, I've already, you know, ricked it and escaped it oh fuck I want to go to ireland dude, I want to go to Ireland we should go. Let's go. You know what Family vacay would be fun. Fuck the family dog, you and me.
Speaker 3Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2How great would that be. That would be fun. We'd have a good time.
Speaker 3Oh yeah, but when we come back it would be a disaster Not maybe for you. You have a little bit more of.
Speaker 2We should take a vacation Like a weekend, not like a vacation. Vacation Like a two-day, a two or three-dayer yeah.
Speaker 3This sounds very brokeback we should go hunting.
Speaker 2No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying like, wouldn't that be fun? Yeah, of course it would. Yeah, dude, that's the dream.
Speaker 3Yeah, you're like, wouldn't you want to? Let's be fun to hang out with your buddy and not and not worry about your, you know, responsibilities. Yeah, wouldn't that be nice, wouldn't that be? Yeah, it'd be great, I would love that. Ah, I was thinking of a more. I was like family vacation, you know yeah with the family. Bring the girls yeah no, all of us.
Speaker 2that'd be great, that would be fun. So we're actually planning our trips right now. We've come to the conclusion that Christmas you know the wife's Jewish I'm not very Christian yeah, we celebrate Christmas. We'll continue to do so.
Speaker 3As you should. You're an American.
Speaker 2Kind of. I mean, that's really why we do it, yeah, but we're thinking of doing less presents on christmas and doing a big vacation every christmas I like that and then just going somewhere an experience, I think means a lot more.
Speaker 3I got a pogo it will.
Speaker 2They won't get that, yeah now, but they'll get that later no, totally so I think we're gonna, we're gonna do it they want, and then yeah, well, we do hanukkah too. So like, yeah, you get. Then like we'll do like a little mini Christmas, while we're Christmas with interest, you know it's like ah, look at you, sorry, yeah all right, it was well it just wasn't funny all right, that hurt. I don't know sounded like someone literally just said ooga, booga yeah on the mic downstairs where do you think that came from?
Speaker 2I don't know, I got some theories we, what do you got going on, dan, let's close this out see, this is what happens every time I was I know you're in the good, you're in a good zone we're getting. I think we're there. I think we're at the goodbye. What time is it? I feel it.
Speaker 3It's 44 minutes, god damn, I'm good dude.
Speaker 245 minutes dude is the magic number.
Speaker 3Okay, yeah, that's fine. What do I have going on, yeah?
Speaker 2Not a whole lot, josh.
Speaker 3I go to work, I go home and I help raise my daughter. I love her tremendously.
Speaker 2I'm worried about her. Write things. You're still eating donuts and drinking, drinking that milk, oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies the other day for breakfast, but I'm turning it around the cookie, that's your killer, right, it's the cookies.
Speaker 3Yeah, it's gonna take me down. What's your cookie? A choice oatmeal, chocolate chip with a little sea salt on top, and the chocolate chips have to be semi-sweet and 70 cacao okay, this like milk chocolate bullshit I like milk chocolate, but not necessarily on my cookie you're eating fucking a turkey leg dipped in gravy on the beach.
Speaker 3Of course you love milk chocolate, you fucking ass who it's made for. Yeah yeah, so that's all that's going on. How about you? What's going on in your life? I mean, I talk to you every day there's a lot.
Speaker 2Tell the fans there's a lot.
Speaker 3Yeah, yeah my jesus christ that wouldn't happen in the 50s. I'll tell you that much.
Speaker 2Oh, jesus, um no nothing.
Speaker 3uh, wits and charlestoncom yeah, come check it out. It's a good time.
Speaker 2Yeah, I want it to succeed even if you don't live here, like if you live at a you know state yeah go on there buy some tickets. Yeah, don't come to a show, that's fine, just buy some tickets. Yeah, you can call me and say, hey, I'm not coming, but I just wanted to buy tickets donate it to a homeless man yeah, there's plenty of homeless guys next to our building right now bring that vibe in and then it's a real show.
Speaker 3It's a show within a show.
Speaker 2Yeah that's what I'm, that's what I, that's what I have going on I think we should also.
Speaker 3This would be a statement. None of the things we've said tonight we've meant at all no yeah, of course except big corn that's an issue but at the same time it's not.
Speaker 2If they're listening like I was just joking of course love corn.
Speaker 3I stick it on my ass and I love it and it makes me feel, it helps me. Come and help me make my daughter, because I stuck the corn up my ass and then my daughter came out and yeah that's the first food.
Speaker 2Nine months later it came right out.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 2Out of your pee hole. Yeah Damn.
Speaker 3Yeah, a little baby crying, corn thing.
Speaker 2Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 3Dropped it off at the fire department, and then the government came in and took it away, cause it's a hybrid. You think we're doing hybrid shit with humans, right? No, you don't think so. No, you don't think there's some lab on some where we got monkey man. Yeah, like some like native boy reservation because sovereign laws. You can get away with some things there.
Speaker 2No, they they did it a long time ago and I there was no fruition not us, but japan did it in world war ii. It's actually amazing. It's called the attachment. I can't think of the number. It's actually amazing. It's called the detachment. I can't think of the number. It's a three-digit number they did these crazy experiments on uh oh no, they dude they.
Speaker 2So they did these experiments on the chinese prisoners oh, dude, they were brutal, where a lot of things that are even in military documents now about like how far shrapnel goes with a grenade, because they literally put humans, live humans out there, throw a grenade, blow them up, but then the dark shit they would do is they would like. They would like saw off your arm, attach a cadaver arm yeah to see if it worked. Yeah, they're like oh did not work can you play chess?
Speaker 2nope oh, now did not work toss them in a pit that's pretty much, and it was horrific some of the shit they did.
Speaker 3I mean horrific a guy in montana recently. He got six years in federal prison because he was like, uh, cloning sheep but the gist of the article just made it seem like he was making two like awesome sheep fuck and then making an like a really good sheep hey, if you can't let two amazing sheep fuck, that's. That's the american dream this is why we need trump back in office he'll let two, I think it's great, let him fuck let him fuck, let him fuck, it's good.
Speaker 3I love when sheep fuck. They make sounds. It smells weird.
Speaker 2I love it all right, this was a. This was a good episode.
Speaker 3Kamala doesn't want the sheep to fuck. She hates people fucking. The Haitians will fuck the sheep. I don't know what noise what's the shit noise. What is this? Shit noise, I don't know alright, god bless you guys.
