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Lowcountry Lowlifes
Maybe the greatest mediocre podcast you've never heard. Listen to comedian Josh Bates and Dan Sweeney talk about something and nothing all at once. Insightful? Maybe. Entertaining? Kinda. A waste of your time? Absolutely. Oh....and Dan quit the show
Lowcountry Lowlifes
Rutherford and Serotine
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Welcome to Low Country, Low Lives
Speaker 1Feels good . Dude , that song's a vibe . Oh yeah , yeah , I like it . This is Josh Bates , dan Sweeney . Welcome to Low Country , low Lives , motherfucks . Thanks for making a stop on the way down to Poundtown . Poundtown Well , how did we both get to Poundtown just now ? It's just what I . When you go down , where are you going down to ? I mean downtown , pound town , yeah , funky town , funky town , yeah , but pound town , yeah , pound of poos , it's on the brain . Poon hounds , we're all the same . Licking clit , we're just all licking clit , talking shit , talking shit , licking clits on the porch watching the hummingbirds play .
Speaker 1There's a poem I wrote in third grade . We got a lot of alligators in our backyard . Oh , yeah , yeah , not in our backyard , but behind there's a pond . Oh , you got some alligators in your backyard . We got some alligators . My friend , you stay away from them because they chomp your leg right out , right off . No , yeah , we have alligators . I don't like it . Yeah , you know they're in there . Yeah , they want they will eat you and I swung by your house . I helped you move . No big deal . Yeah , that was a huge thank you . You're welcome . Thank you for that . But you told me that you know most of the pond is , you know , seven-foot gators , but every year a big 11-foot bull comes around and they call him Rutherford . Rutherford , yeah , oh , he's Rutherford . I do declare my penis is ready , is open For business Because , as we know , we are going down to pound town . Come here , hop on this scaly cock so you can hatch eggs at the bottom of this pond . Get my fruitful juices , my eggs , my beautiful eggs .
Speaker 1How do alligators fuck ? Yeah , we're gonna watch it later . I know , because now I need to know . I do need to know . I need to know because they lay I think they lay eggs . Yeah , there's crocodile eggs , so it's not like you know . Yeah , I mean , they're lizards and they don't have long arms , so it's not like Rutherford's going in there and putting his hands around her shoulders and giving her the old business . I don't even really get eggs . Yeah , well , I think that's just the devil playing tricks . I don't know . I'm 44 , and I don't know how birds'm . I'm 44 and I don't know how birds fuck . They don't . Birds aren't real . Okay , that's a whole other thing . Yeah , like well , I know ducks , when ducks fuck , yeah , the corkscrew dick , and it's not like a happy . But I think they're also monogamous . I think they stick with cause that the female ducks . Like I'm not dealing with other , I'm not dealing with that again . Yeah , not after that . No , not after Corky over here . Yeah , had his way with me , corky Romano . Yeah ,
Alligator Mating and Animal Reproduction
Speaker 1all right .
Speaker 1Alligators mate in water . Checks out , lubed up , with the male mounting the female and copulation occurring under the water . Well , yeah , they're in the water and it's typically lasting less than a minute . I have a lot in common with an alligator . Um , the male will mount the female in the water . What I don't like about this answer is it doesn't give me like . It definitely tells you they do it in the water , but I think it's missionary stomach to stomach belly to belly no , he's on top they . It's missionary Stomach to stomach Belly to belly no , he's on top . They always mount , though most of the time he's got to get the tail out of the way , unless Rutherford is quite engorged . When Rutherford gets engorged with that alligator blood , he displaces water in the pond .
Speaker 1On a hot Charleston day , alligators begin their courtship rituals in April and the mating season often happening from May to June that's what they were telling me . So you'll see frenzied water out in your backyard . Jesus , old , fucking Rutherford Shallow areas , particularly , oh great , next to my house . Oh , okay , so the male will mount the female in the water and they will twist around each other to align their cloacas , that's their waist and reproductive orifices . Now I'd like to say you've got the most beautiful , tight cloaca . Oh , sweetheart , sit that cloaca on my snout , let me see the hue , let me breathe the scent of your cloaca . Little defecation , oh , did you just shit out of your cloaca ? That's all right , rutherford don't care , rutherford loves the good , the bad and the stinky . That just as long as I got that cloaca in my face . Rutherford's just walking up little cane fuzzy hat . Yeah , he does . This little pimp walk , shuffle , little shuffle . Yeah , birds fuck . Because ducks fuck . Yeah , so birds fuck .
Speaker 1But I don't , I don't get how they inseminate the egg . So the egg is still up in their jump , up in their cooch , up with their bird cooch . Yeah , hold on . How do birds make sex ? How the birds make sex ? Birds mate through a process called a cloacal kiss , where the male and female briefly touch their cloacas , the opening for the digestive , reproductive and urinary tracts to transfer sperm , okay . And then it goes into the egg . And then the egg , I'm sure , hardens once it's almost ready to be dropped out of the ? Yeah , it's probably just a jelly . And then you know , it's like an egg mold . Pop a bird , just yeah , tweet , tweets and then it hardens up , you know . So birds don't have any external sex organs . Most bird species do not have external sex organs . Yeah , I mean , have you seen a fucking bird dick flying around ? It would be crazy . A hummingbird with seen a fucking bird dick flying around , the crazy hummingbird with . That's all you would see . Yeah , just dicks flying , flying dicks , flying dicks everywhere , just flapping in the wind .
Speaker 1Now there are flying mammals . There's a few , right , I don't know . Yeah , look at flying mammals , you have the power of the internet . No , we do . There's , like , I mean , squirrels don't fly the flying squirrels , they just kind of glide . Yeah , it's a glide . Bats oh yeah , you had the bat orgy going on up in . Isn't a bat a mammal ? Yeah , you're right . This podcast became are you smarter than a third grader ? Yeah , what Bats are mammals ? Bats are mammals , dude . Instead of there's that whole birds aren't real dude . Instead of there's that whole birds aren't real . Bats are the only flying mammal capable of true sustained flight , while other mammals like flying squirrels and sugar gotters can glide .
Speaker 1Good old bats , dude , they did it . The Batman bat said you know what ? We're going to fly , we're going to get out of here . Yeah , they cause COVID and , uh , they can fly . So I think it's .
Speaker 1Yeah , there's the t-shirts and the website called Birds Aren't Real and I want to make one that's bats or mammals , bats or mammals , and that's it . And then when people are like , what are you talking about ? You're just like bats or mammals . Look into it , look it up , check it out . They don't have a colloquial , the colloquial Colloquial . You know what they got Big old bat dicks . So do the bats have dicks ? Then I'll check it out . All right , google's like you're a .
Speaker 1You ever watch Batman porn ? No , but I remember one in high school . I saw where it was like is a guy dressed as a pterodactyl , just like in a semi-realistic pterodactyl suit , yeah , and just flapping his wings while two ladies bloom . I saw this really good one . It was Alice in Wonderland . Ooh , I had the tape for a long time . You had . Yeah , I had . Yeah , it was a VHS .
Speaker 1Yes , male bats have penises , damn dude . Most bat species have relatively small penises Nice , aw . But some species , such as serotonin bats , serotine bats have unusually large penises . These large penises are used to push aside the female's tail membrane , which can cover the vulva during mating , so they have a giant . What are they called , these type of bats ? The serotine bat ? Serotine bats , and they're like this . They're like yo . The serotonin bat serotonin bats , you know ? And they're like this . They're like yo . What's up ? Bad , how are you doing ? I'm going to fuck up your fucking bat pussy . They have sex for up to 12 hours . God damn , yeah , making us all look bad , us other mammals .
Speaker 1Serotonin bats have penises seven times longer and wider than their female counterparts vaginas , oh so they're not even using it all . Yeah , you know , I , I don't like these bats . Do they make you feel a little inferior ? Yeah , I don't like them . I don't like the cut of their jib . What's the problem , dan ? You don't like . You don't like the serpentine bat . Nah , shut up bat . What's wrong , dog ? I don't like you . What you want to see it ? No , come on , man , it's seven times bigger than that , that bat pussy .
Speaker 1You remember that scene in boogie nights with his dick ? Yeah , but the part where , like you know , it's like with his dick with . Yeah , but the part where , like you know , it's like the where everything switches from film to vhs and all their lives start like spiraling out of control . Yeah , and so dirk digler is like in a parking lot with a guy who's just , he just gets in the guy's pickup truck and he's just beating off . And the guy's like , yeah , that's what he's doing now he can't have sex on camera , so he's just beating off and strange men's trucks how did that go ? And so he's doing , he's like trying , he's like , and the guy's like come on , yeah , and he's like yeah , and then like he's like I can't , I can't come . And the guy's like , fuck you beats . And then , like a bunch of guys come out of nowhere and like , beat the shit out of him for doing something gay with his donkey dick . They're like , yeah , fuck you with your guy donkey , they're doing your bait off stuff and they beat the shit and then they drive off . I don't remember this at all , you know . No , no , it's the part . It's the part where , like a church , bells ringing and don cheetles going in and , uh , getting donuts , and then the place gets robbed and everybody gets shot and then there's a huge bag of money .
Speaker 1I think you just fantasized about this . I don't think so . Alright , but maybe I did , I don't know .
Speaker 1That movie is pretty intense . It's a crazy movie . It reminds me of what was that movie , that druggie movie , requiem for a Dream ? Yeah , that one's sadder , that one's really sad . That's a real bummer . And it it ends pretty yeah , double the , the old , double dildo , the old , yeah , double double-headed .
Speaker 1A guy had to come up with that , the double-ended dildo , right , and the direct , the director , had to be a guy for that movie . They're like , hey , hey , we're going to add one more scene in this movie . And they're like , oh , what are we going to add ? We're going to add , like an abscess in the arm or you know . No , no , we're going to have a bunch of rich old men watch two women .
Speaker 1I think they were Japanese businessmen . Oh , were they Might have . Maybe I'm fantasizing that too . No , I think you might be right . Yeah , if not , it makes sense . I would love to do business with high-powered Japanese businessmen In the 80s , in the 90s , 90s , good call , yeah , yeah , not the 80s , they weren't .
Speaker 1No , they were getting there . Yeah , they were getting there . Yeah , but the 90s , I bet
Bat Anatomy and Movie Discussions
Speaker 1that was prime Japanese time . Yeah , just doing karaoke and fucking lines off the hookers . And , yeah , eating sushi and just smoking cigarettes and just ripping cigarettes , forgetting the atrocities of world war ii together ? Yeah , smelling panties ? Yeah , they look like panty smellers . Yeah , that's racist , jesus . I didn't , I meant japanese businessmen , not of course . Yeah , not all Japanese people . Yeah , that would be . Yeah , it's not racist . No , that's just an assumption you're making about a group of people based on how they look and act . It's not like racist . Just an observation , josh . Just an observation .
Speaker 1You sure you don't want to see this dick , dan ? I don't want to see it . Come on , man . You want to look at Rutherford's big old dick ? Nah , it's upsetting me , come on . Oh , not Rutherford . Rutherford has a small dick , serotine , serotine bat . You want to look at my big old bat dick ? You're on Batman , bitch . It's okay if you're curious , it ain't weird , all right . All right , I'll take a look at it . Oh , jesus Christ , holy shit , that thing's gigantic .
Speaker 1You haven't seen Saturday Night , have you ? The movie , no , when it's like the first , not yet , my God , I'm going to spoil it for you because I've told you to watch it . I've told you to watch it several times . Why are you spoiling it for me ? Fine , I won't .
Speaker 1Scene with a rutherford type man guy pulls his dick out . Yeah , okay , and just , yeah , all right , it makes you feel bad for chevy chase . Damn , yeah , all right , he's a he's , he's a piece of shit . I don't know if he's a piece of shit . They've they've portrayed him as a piece of shit in hollywood . Now , of course , he's very blacklisted . So when , ho , when Hollywood zigs , I zag , I go , he's probably not that bad . Yeah , I get it . He's a good friend of Doug Kenny .
Speaker 1I loved Chevy Chase when I was a kid . Yeah , fletch Great movie , oh yeah . Clark Griswold yeah , anytime there was a Chevy Chase , oh , dude . Speaking of which , we lost Val Kilmer RIP . Yeah , yeah , that's tough . Yeah , I don't like it .
Speaker 1The Iceman , mad Mardigan , dude , Mm-hmm . Doc Holliday , yeah , tommy Huckleberry , the Saint the Doors , mm-hmm . He played Moses in that cartoon . What was the top secret ? You ever watch that ? Yeah , that was wild Decent movie . Yeah , it's kind of fun . Yeah , it was good . It's a funny movie for the kids , for the troops , that was a good movie . I liked that movie .
Speaker 1Um , yeah , he died . I didn't know . He was 65 . That's pretty young . Yeah , it wasn't . No , he got , he , he must've . I don't know , that's what I meant by 65 . He was only you know . You don't say that with somebody who's not . He was only 90 .
Speaker 1One day we'll say that , man , I know , because that's the interesting thing is , we all seem to be dying younger , true , you know ? Yeah , no , you're absolutely right , it's like things . They're like medical technologies , better than ever , food is more abundant and everybody's dying a little bit younger , in this country at least . And our birth rate ? We're fucking it up . Yeah , it's not good . No , I mean our fertility , not fertility . What's the one called when they die at childbirth ? Survival , maybe that's it . There's a statistic they use . I can't think of Infant mortality .
Speaker 1Thank you , you're welcome . Infant mortality rate has dropped dramatically . We've talked about that . But that's like , have we I mean you and I off ? Oh , yeah , yeah , in the sauna , yeah , about how doctors rush a lot of pregnancies and all that stuff ? Yeah , yeah , it is a well , it is that thing where women have been doing it forever , since the origination of our species . Yeah , and now we treat it like it's an emergency that the hospital's like I got to get you through this , like I got gotta get that baby out as fast as possible and as convenient as possible . Yeah , so you need me more than I need you . That's what the hospital is . It's like , no , I don't think so . Yeah , but you know , big medical , big pregnancy , it's all , yeah , it's all the same . I don't like it .
Speaker 1I drive by , work every morning and , uh , you know , I'm got . I'm out on the road at like six , 45 and there's a guy standing outside the Planned Parenthood , just uh , with the signs out yeah , babies are killed here , and every now and then I just put my fist out . But you know , hell , yeah , brother , come on , keep speaking the truth , man , cause he's not lying . Babies are killed there . I want to drive by and be like oh , dude , thank you , I couldn't find the place . Oh , is this where it is ? Yeah , it is an arrow . Oh , this is where I got to get my wife , my pregnant wife , cause we're trying to kill he's , he's 18 .
Speaker 1Well , I kind of want to go up to the guy . I've had the fantasy about going up to him , be like so , do you like ? Fuck you , man , do you have ? What's your deal ? Yeah , like , do you have kids ? Yeah , have you birthed a child before ? Have you heard about the seratine bat showing his giant dick ? They don't even fit . Yeah , it's too big for her . It's too big . He's looking out for other puss . Yeah , he's looking for that goose pussy right down the street . There's rutherford and he's prime time to go see him . Yeah , but , like you know , yeah , what's your like ? Where did you like ? Do you have kids ? Do you have a fan ? Because I don't know . I don't want to be that dad who's like waking up early and kissing his you know kids on the head and be like have a good day , you know , pat them on the head and get a cup of coffee and then drive down to the Planned Parenthood and then just stand there with a sign , you know . So I don't know . To me that seems mentally ill .
Speaker 1There are these weird groups of people that are very , very anti-abortion , yeah , and it's like , why are you so anti-abortion ? Yeah , like you said , what's what's driving ? I think it's the , the fundamentalist . You believe something where I don't know reality's kind of shaky . So I think when people latch on to something that's definitive , like religion because I'm assuming they're religious people , because non-religious people generally don't care about abortion , you know , they didn't talk about it a whole lot in the Bible Abortion , like , yeah , I think it's just Not at all .
Speaker 1It's a good position for a religion to take that they love children , yeah , and then sometimes they take it too far and have sex with those children and they're like I thought you said , fuck children . Yeah , you got to be more clear next time . Oh , you confused me . I'm just a priest who loves children a little too much , some might say . But the Lord forgives and forgets . Yeah , I don't know .
Speaker 1I don't think people realize putting , like the people aren't having abortions because they just don't want to have kids for the most part , some are , some are . But like the people aren't having abortions because they just don't want to have kids for the most part , some are , some are , but a huge majority of it is just natural . Is nature , with a mother deciding they don't want to have that child , yeah , and in other animals it's very brutal and we don't think about it or talk about it , yeah , but a lot of animals , if they know they can't support that child , yeah , or they can't , you know whatever , they push it out of the nest . You ever see those videos of I mean , that's what you drew out there but like the birds you know , mama , birds like this is the shittiest one and just throws it out of the nest , it just tosses it . But I mean that . And like there's babies born excuse me , in utero , like with their organs on the outside of their bodies . Is that ectopic ? Yeah , yeah , and it's like you want that mom to go through nine months and have that baby .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , that's the weird part . It's weird . It is weird . I don't like it . It'd be weird if you liked it . I like it .
Speaker 1You know , I don't think they think , but maybe it's the blanket thing where you believe in heaven and hell so much that you're like I have to take this position , even though , logically , I know I'm making people suffer as a result of it . That's crazy , it's insane . It's so insane , it's so insane that there's states now that will arrest you . Insane , it's so insane . It's so insane that there's states now that will arrest you . There's , uh , one of the states . You will get more time for having an abortion than actually murdering somebody . No , then the person that raped you . Oh , how much time they would serve . Whoa , yeah , you would serve more time . State is that ? Uh , it's . Uh , I think it was it's texas or wisconsin or michigan or something . Oh , interesting , yeah . And it's like , really , yeah , really , this is what we're doing . Yeah , it's fucked up ? Yeah , it is .
Speaker 1So I'm glad this show became a very pro , a pro choice , uh podcast . That's why we're here , yeah , why , sorry , I brought that up . No , no , no , we , we have been doing this for five years , I think , yeah , to finally get to what our podcast is really about pro choice podcast , pro choice podcast . Yeah , yeah , for sure , yeah . And then what's not cool is the other side got to take the cool statement of I'm pro-life , well , everybody's pro-life , I , no , I'm not pro-life , I'm anti-life . I'm not anti-life , I'm just at life . Yeah , I'm pro certain lives like . And then there's other people's lives I'm like , I don't care . Yeah , like you , like black lives , for example , but I'm not anti-life . Fan of black lives , no , I love black lives . No , I know , I'm kidding .
Speaker 1Not the organization , though , but the people . Yeah , the small organization . How we got into politics somehow ? It's not political . No , no , it's not . No , it's a Marxist organization that stole money from people . George Soros ran it . No , he didn't run it . No , he did . I don't think he ran it . He ran it in the pizza shop . Yeah , black Lives Matter . Look , you're finally reading the books I've been sending you . You're finally seeing the truth . Oh man , relax , I just want to take some pictures . Great show , but , yeah , pro-life , yeah , that is . I mean , that's the . They are technically pro-life , yeah , but it's just like they're not con-life . It just sounds way cooler Like the right and the left .
Speaker 1Who figured that out ? Who came up with that ? How did they come up with the term like your left or your right ? Yeah , which directions ? Which ? Yeah , I don't know . Sometimes I turn left , sometimes I turn right Paper rock scissors and they're like all right , we'll be the right , you'll be the left . Yeah , jerry Seinfeld , why aren't they killing babies ? That'd be interesting if he was , that would be cool . Or if he started doing like louis ck bits , but in jerry seinfeld's voice . Yeah , that'd be pretty cool . I was thinking of one bit in particular , but I'm not gonna . Yeah , you don't want to say the n-word . No , um , yeah , I don't , um , I don't know how they came up with that or why they came up with that . The left and the right . He did this thing where it's like , if you're a lefty , if you're correct about an answer , or you're right on time , or you're left out , or like it was a very good Seinfeldian , where he used , you know , every known uh , what is it . He left out of time .
Speaker 1What's the deal with Israel ? He just starts saying some real shit . What's the deal with Israel ? He just starts saying some real shit . What's the deal with the Palestinians ? Why do we care ? They're hurting the motherland . What's wrong with fucking kids ? I don't see the problem . Jeff Epstein honeypotted politicians to work for Israel . That's genius . Jesus Christ , relax , how are you Like ?
Speaker 1A tree fell in my yard , yeah , and I got stung by a bee on my the top of my foot , by a bee on the top of the foot . So it feels . So , yeah , of course , early morning , spring , south carolina , go out , feel the dew between your toes . Yeah , yeah , and a bee just stung me . That tree was a whole city . There were carpenter ants , raccoons , bees , all sorts of things . It's dead now .
Speaker 1And then that storm came through . Vicious storm , vicious storm Whipped right through James Island , Threw out the low country . Not a whisper was heard because it was carried away by the wind . The wind , if you're real quiet right down the atlantic ocean , you can hear it . You can hear the whispers of screams of some of those raccoons .
Tree Troubles and Home Ownership Woes
Speaker 1Raccoons got in the back porch mama just takes them off of the broom . So , yeah , so a tree fell down . It landed right in between .
Speaker 1It's a big tree . Yeah , it's an . It's an 80 year old water oak . Did you hear it go down ? Yeah , yeah , I was holding my babe . Were you just like , fuck , I thought it was a tornado , because the wind whipped , yeah , with quite a force , the force that seized for something . It was akin to that , um , yeah , and uh , it felt like , um , yeah , like a tornado , all of a sudden , like , and then did it uproot , or so it's a big , it's a big , grand water oak .
Speaker 1Yeah , uh , water oaks are shit trees . They planted them on all these subdivisions around here because they're oaks that just suck up so much water that they grow like like a live oak or a red oak grant , like tall , yeah , but then after 80 years they're like obese trees . They've just taken in so much . They're just like , and then they become soggy and rotted and so part of it it's like a three-part tree . You know , it goes up , made trunk big , and then that branch fell right in between us and our neighbor , and so we were going to talk to the people behind us , but that house is abandoned . Oh , so we can't . It's not like . You can be like , take care of the tree , because there's just whispers in there , nothing but but whispers and secrets .
Speaker 1Yeah , stories of yesteryear , yeah , I love an abandoned house . Oh yeah , it gives me such an interesting feeling , a sadness or a joy , a sadness , sadness . It's like a giving tree , but also just a curiosity and a renewal of the curiosity for life and what it all means Jesus Christ and what happened there , because that's a big , that's the biggest thing Besides the birth of my child and marrying my wife . The house is huge , sure . And then somebody did that once too , and then it was just like fuck it , something happened . You know , yeah , what happened . Maybe they fellated a serotine bat once too , and then it was just like fuck it , something happened . You know , yeah , what happened . Maybe they fellated a serratine bat and got sick . Yeah , maybe people saw it and the whole family was shamed and they moved out of town and then they just stopped paying their taxes . So it's just abandoned . That's crazy , yeah , yeah .
Speaker 1So now you got a , you getting like a company To come out and saw it . And , yeah , we had the arborist Come out today . Hell yeah , good guys , hell yeah , you gonna use the wood , or is it shit wood ? Nah , shit wood . Shitty wood , oh , no , no , shit wood . I don't want that shit . Not even good enough For a samurai temple . Fuck it , samurai port-a-potty , samurai tampon , samurai tampon , yeah , samurai tampon , uh , yeah .
Speaker 1So it's gone now , but you've had a bit of a jesus , yeah , yeah , I mean we , we had a bunch of issues in our last house and it was just time to move . We had bad orgy termites yeah , big old you know , we had bats . We had termites . We had Big old you know , we had bats . We had termites . We had fucking a dishwasher flooded and ruined all the floor . Yeah , bunch of shit .
Speaker 1So then we get to our new house , which I love it . Great house , thank you . And the my favorite thing in the house is the shower . Yeah , oh yeah , it's a nice shower . It's a . You can fit 12 people in that shower . Fit rutherford in there , yeah , easily . And a little bit of yeah , his dick's not too big , so seratine bat hanging from the top , yeah , but uh , yeah , we even have a little chandelier over the bathtub , real bougie , like that is bougie . So I take a shower , as you do .
Speaker 1A couple hours later , uh , I hear I'm downstairs in the kitchen here a little drip drip on the carpet , oh , no , on the rug , yeah . And then I go in , uh , the , the , that room and , uh , there's a huge bubble on the ceiling water just coming down . What's that first reaction ? Fuck , yeah , like I , it was immediate like is this a small leak and whatever ? And you're watching the kids right now , right , yeah , or is this gonna come down ? Yeah , like you don't know . Yeah , you see those videos where it's like the just the paint almost just expands like a water balloon , and then , yeah , yeah and the whole , and I'm like what the fuck ? So I'm trying to find the shut off . That was funny .
Speaker 1Yeah , it took forever to find it and luckily it was in the house . Yeah , found it after a while . It called you and was trying to figure it out . I was like I don't know where it is . Yeah , you're like I don't fuck . I know , dude , come on , dude , it could be anywhere , yeah , and uh , it was . It was somewhere , yeah , which was crazy hidden , yeah . And so , um , yeah , we had them come out last late last night . Plumber fucked around with it and , uh , now they gotta , you know , dehumidify it and air it out . They did that today , yeah , and then was your wife out of the house when the plumber was there . Yeah , luckily , thank god , I have another kid .
Speaker 1Well , I have this thing like it's like when I'm around , uh , like arborists , arborists are very manly men , yeah . So when I came home from work today , I was like god damn , god damn , they're men . I was like I gotta be tougher . I'm a carpenter , I'm , you know , I do , yeah , the decent , but the arborists are what in the ? Uh ? It's that jaylen girl . Who's that ? One of the girls knew a female .
Speaker 1Oh well , yeah , it sounded like it . Yeah , I don't know if they can hear it on the podcast , but holy shit , yeah , that was wild . Yeah , it sounded like a bat . It sounded like Roger Rabbit got hit on top . Oh no , it sounded like when Daffy Duck goes insane . Yeah , yeah , that's Eddie , please . I love that movie back in the day . Jessica Rabbit , my God , yeah , please . I love that movie back in the day . Jessica Rabbit , my God , yeah , sweet Jessica Rabbit Fucking 10-year-old boners . That gave me . Oh , yeah , 32-year-old boners , it gave me . And then Moxema Girl who's Moxema Girl ? I have to look up her name . She was on a couple of random shows , yeah , but she was a Moxema commercial where she washed her face . She was like the hottest girl and I just had a huge crush .
Speaker 1Do you ever see doc hollywood ? Yeah , of course , with uh marty mcfly . Uh , michael j fox yeah , do you remember the chick in that who gets naked ? Yeah , she's the love interest in uh tommy boy . Yeah , she looked amazing . Yeah , she had like great 80 . There's the 90s movie curly hair , big old ladies I think it's a . It's a pg-13 movie full , full frontal , full frontal bush and everything . Yeah , I mean great positive . I think you could see . Yeah , of course I pause it . What are you talking about ? Yeah , yeah , so check this out . You you're familiar with the movie doc hollywood ? Yeah , cause you've seen it . This is crazy . Okay , the movie cars have you seen the movie cars ? Uh , huh . Okay , I'm going to just talk about cars for a minute . And you think of doc holiday in your head ? Okay , doc Hollywood , doc Hollywood , yeah , doc holiday , val Kim .
Speaker 1So Lightning McQueen , famous race car driver , yeah , he's going down some random place speeding , being naughty as you do , and he's all about himself , uh-huh , and he gets arrested . He gets in an accident , yeah , and he gets arrested , uh-huh , and he has to stay in that town , yeah , and then he befriends the town , as you do , yeah , and then they help him become a better person . He ingratiates himself and a better race car driver , uh-huh . And then he falls in love with the little small town girl in the movie , yeah , and then you see her muffler . But I'm saying it's the exact same movie , no , no . Yeah , it's like Fern Gully in Avatar , yeah , and Dances with Wolves Mm-hmm , all three of those are the same .
Speaker 1Never saw danceable , fucking amazing movie really . I almost want to stop this podcast to make you watch it . Nah , it's three hours long , but it's fucking amazing really . Oh , it's so good . Okay , I'll check it out . Uh , but it's exactly the same movie .
Speaker 1Cars and doc hollywood same exact movie . Interesting , there's even the old judge , yeah , and then there's the old car and paul newman yeah , paul newman , the hudson hornet yeah , same exact character . And then , and then the same thing with , uh , bugs , life and three amigos , love three amigos . Okay , so these bugs , right , the grasshoppers come and fuck with the ants . So the ants are like we need to get some help from somebody , yeah , so they go into the big city and they find these circus performers . They think they're real holy smoke . And then they come and protect the town yeah , they realize they're not really being paid to be circus performers but to protect the town , yeah . And then they eventually do and same exact fucking thing , like Pixar , just like , used other movies and put ants and cars . It's three amigos . That's brilliant . Yeah , love , three amigos .
Speaker 1Oh , yeah , farley Farley , farley , farley Farley . A furrow and the singing bush was great . It's got up , but they shot it . Yeah , no , they shot the invisible horseman . Yeah , no , they shot the invisible horseman . The invisible horseman , yeah , it was great . Hey , bud , yeah , it was a good time . It was a good time .
Speaker 1But , yeah , no , isn't that crazy ? Yeah , I mean , it makes sense , yeah , but I mean it's like really on the nose , though it's not like a . Yeah , if you know , they're kind of similar , if you know , no , they're . Well , I just so .
Speaker 1I saw doc hollywood later in life . Oh , yeah , no , that movie came out , probably . I think I saw cars before I saw . Yeah , doc hollywood came out like 10 years before . Um toy story , I mean , uh , before . Yeah , it was made in like the 90s , yeah , uh , cars was what ? Mid 2000s ? Yeah , um , yeah , I mean that makes sense .
Speaker 1Yeah , the recycling of there's only so many kind of things you can do . It's exactly the same . Well , one's you know a doctor , yeah , and the other one's a race car . But the thematic yeah , I get what you're saying Exactly Movie there's not a lot of deviation from , yeah , what that is .
Speaker 1Yeah , do you remember Dragonheart ? Yeah , sean Connery did the voice of the dragon , a great movie . And then fucking , what's his name is in it ? Yeah , I forget the guy , but it's a . He's in Frequency as well . Jim Caviezel , dennis Quaid Frequency's a great movie .
Speaker 1Wasn't Dennis Quaid in Braveheart ? I mean , in Dragonheart , isn't he the main protagonist ? He might be ? I thought it was . Who was that ? I think it was . It's not a good movie . Don't go back and watch it . Um , I loved it growing up . 96 , yeah , where's the fucking cast ? Yeah , dennis Quaid , dennis Quaid in a fucking medieval Knights and Dragons movie . It's got a hell of a cast . Sean Connery , he was great in Frequency . Dina Meyer , she's nice . Yeah , jim Caviezel , him and Jesus , they're making a sequel to Dragonheart .
Speaker 1No , to Passion of the Christ , Passion of the he's risen . Yeah , and I'm like Did you see the passion ? Yeah , did it move you ? Did it tickle your spirit ? No , it was like bdsm porn . It was a little gory . Yeah , I mean it was okay , it was good , they did a good job .
Speaker 1When did that come out ? It was early 2000 , 98 , 99 , no , no . Like 2000 , like 2000 , 2001 , 2002 , yeah , because I went and saw it with my mom . My mom was like , you know , I wasn't , I wasn't allowed to go see r-rated films or whatever . But she was like , well , I'll take you to see this
Religious Reflections and Catholicism
Speaker 1and went and saw passion , the christ , and I was like , oh , I was crying , it was a lot . And then for like a week I was like I'm gonna be very religious and I'd go do like the stations of the old I was probably 12 , okay and I'd go like the stations of the cross I was probably 12 . Okay , and I'd go to those stations of the cross and stuff like that . And but it was like around the same time too , where I was discovering how it was , discovering my body and things that it could do to make me feel better about life , yeah , and that Dan's bummed out , danny's gonna lay down and touch his pecker . I'm going to go . Dan's bummed out , danny's gonna lay down and touch his pecker . I'm gonna go . I'm gonna go pray for a few minutes by myself , by myself . That's another thing too . That's weird .
Speaker 1Is masturbation being a bad thing ? Yeah , well , I mean it's , it's . It is the old saying , uncle ben , with not from spider-man with great power comes great responsibility of jerking off . Yes , why , why is jerking off a bad thing ? I think right now , and you're , and you're being incredibly rude and I don't think , I don't think , I don't think you're meaning meaning to be there are a lot of men , some women who struggle with seeing any point to life more than just gratifying themselves sexually . You mean , their whole life revolves around self-satisfaction . Yes , and right now , that was my first 25 years on this planet . It's been my entire life since it's happened . Yeah , yeah . So you're letting it get between you and God , like you're making it a bigger thing . Is that what the problem is ? Oh , you're making it like a religious thing . Yeah , that's what I'm saying . Why is it such a big deal about jerking off ? You're wasting seed , but you got a ton of it . You know , you think of the human race as a garden , right , and if , say , I'm a farmer , right , I'm going to plant my tomatoes , yeah , and I'm planting them , and I'm planting , I'm doing what I'm supposed to , I'm tilling the soil , I'm putting them in there , I'm watering them , and but when I throw a couple seeds just behind my shoulder , I come and I keep I'm wasting seed . That's , that's essentially what it is , and it's it's the whole point of the religion thing is the it's to direct you to a greater purpose , to the light , than just jizzing in your pants what's wrong with that into a toilet bowl at two in the morning . It's , it's fine . I don't understand the yeah , religious implications of it is all it's the wasting seed part , because the whole point of religion is to have good , orderly direction . Sure , to have god . Yeah , I don't understand god in your life . I'm still trying to figure this out . Like , well , yeah , it's the same thing . It's like I I I don't necessarily agree with it at all . It's just like I don't know if you and I were sitting around the table like coming up with christianity , yeah , and I was like , oh , hey , another thing . No , jerking off , yeah , whoa , what's wrong with jerking off ? I don't , it's bad . It's bad , yeah , I mean even with the jews , the whole . You know .
Speaker 1Circumcision yeah , because it's clean . I don't know . Because it's clean , I don't know why . No , it's to make you less . It's a covenant between you and God . Yeah , look what I'm willing to do Right out of the rip , straight out of the gate , straight out of the gate . Take my foreskin here , it's yours . I don't know . Yeah , I mean some people they cut the dicks off babies because that's a covenant . Other people say don't masturbate . Other folks fly planes into buildings . Who knows why people do that ? Who knows Josh , who knows it's one of life's mysteries ? The shadow knows .
Speaker 1Well , it's funny because you know , when the baby was born , katie and I started going back , you circumcised her . You gave her the old female circumcision . Yeah , we were like hell , yeah , dude , should we circumcise her ? Should we not ? I don't know . No , we were like that would be a funny bit . No , we were going to church . Yeah , I remember I told you about it . Yeah , and you were disgusted no , this is fucking waste .
Speaker 1I was just curious of your intent . Yeah , it was really to get her baptized . Oh , I know it's the hedge , yeah , and we stopped going because we were like can we just get her baptized ? And they were like you got to do this , that the other they were taking attendance and stuff like that , and I was just kind of like look , you're lucky , I'm even coming back here . Yeah , be happy that there's a like a young man that's wanting to go to church , like and here's my daughter here , save her soul , and you're like , yeah , but he doesn't like doing it like the priest , like I don't like doing it during this time of the year because of you know god , and stuff like that , and I just kind of was just like I don't think I want to be catholic again . I'm not , I don't , I don't care .
Speaker 1Catholicism is weird to me because it's like you have this Christianity and then they're like LARPing , like they're like it's just there's so much involved . I do have an issue with people who say LARPing , because everybody is LARPing . Live action , role playing , that's what life is . Well , you're pretending to be someone else . You're pretending to be a fucking ogre . That's what everybody does all the time . Pretending to be someone else . Well , some guys are like , yeah , I'm a pediatric dentist and then at night he's having sex parties in Brooklyn . You know what I mean ? Everybody's pretending to pretend , to pretend .
Speaker 1So Catholicism is just weird because you got all the fucking things . You got the rosary . You got the rosary . You got confession . You got a whole hierarchy , you got the pope thing and cardinals . Yeah , the pope , the bureaucracy of it all and the money and the real estate . Not even that , even just what they practice . No , that is weird .
Speaker 1Yeah , because the whole thing , the thing that I always kind of thought about Christ , jesus Christ , was his whole point of his life , was to have faith in his works . Not in him , yeah , not in he's , cause he , he , from what I gather about this fella , he doesn't seem like he's so . Like you gotta believe I'm the son of God . He was like look at what I gather about this fella , he doesn't seem like he's so like you gotta believe I'm the son of God . He's like look at what I'm doing . Look at how I'm hanging out with lepers . I'm doing miracles . I'm hanging out with a whore yeah , she's nice . Look , she's a person .
Speaker 1And then Peter , he fucked it all up . Well , I think Peter was the one who built the church . So some say that peter was the devil in disguise . Oh , I think my brother said that to me . We might have been on acid dude . That's actually a really cool . That was a good .
Speaker 1It was like a good theory , like theory , where you're like whoa he's . He's like , yeah , he's really well-read about everything . And yeah , I remember long ago , he's like , yeah , he subverted the whole thing Because he was raised Catholic and he's like I don't want to deal with this shit . And he's like the whole thing doesn't make sense From a perspective of just trying to be a good person , where you're naturally othering others instead of finding like community and the common bond of like a higher power and treating others the way you want to be treated . It just naturally fragments I . I don't even understand some basic principles like we , we .
Speaker 1We did a podcast a while back . Um , come on in , brother . No , what up dude ? Um , we did a podcast a while back where I did one with the , my neighbor that was a , a pastor , yeah . And we did a God episode . Yeah , go back into the anals of , uh , the archives , the archives .
Speaker 1But uh , I don't get it . I don't understand even the idea that jesus died for our sins and like before jesus , everyone was going to hell and after he was , before he was resurrected , he went down to hell to get the keys to hell , so then people could go to heaven . Yeah , I'm like what ? That sounds like a bad fan fiction . I get the sacrifice part because the whole thing is a representation of look what I'm willing to do See . And then I look at it more as when he died for our sins is meaning he died because of our sins , because we weren't ready to have him Precisely . Yeah , not ready to have him precisely , yeah , not ready to have him part , though , but it's pretty literal in there about how , after he died , he went to hell . And yeah , I don't read the bible , I don't know that's good , that gets in the way . I don't know what you're talking about . This is all just feeling dumb . This is all . I'm home . That's why I love judaism .
Speaker 1Judaism is like the original movie , yeah , and they had this really good story . You know , they had fucking moses , they had jonah , they had adam and eve . You know , yeah , and some proverbs in there , some cool sayings , some rules , and then they were done . And then , a couple thousand years later , old jesus is like I'm the son of god . And then they just have these new , and then they killed him . And then they're like , oh , this is part of the bible , yeah , and and the jews are like , well , wait a minute . No , this is our story , this is our thing . Yeah , but this isn't . This is the sequel . This is the sequel . And we're like , well , we own the sequel . Like we own the rights to the sequel , you can't just so .
Speaker 1They did like episodes four , five and six and then no , it's a lot like when we were kids you might be too young , but there was the Ghostbusters cartoon and then there was the real Ghostbusters cartoon . Did the cartoon proceed ? There was after the movie came out . Yeah , then there was a movie . There was a cartoon called yeah , and I do remember it was not the Ghostbusters but the green there's like a monkey . Oh , I don't remember this . Yeah , yeah , I'll . I'll show you pictures here . I thought the green ghost was Slimer . Yeah , slimer was the second . That was called the real Ghostbusters . Okay , and the cartoon was literally called the real Ghostbusters because some company just was like fuck it , we're going to make a Ghostbusters and just different characters .
Speaker 1You remember the Beetlejuice cartoon ? Yeah , remember Batman Beyond ? Oh yeah , batman Beyond was great . I hated it . I liked Batman , just the regular animated . Do you remember the theme song to the Batman Beyond ? No , it was just some guy like wailing on a guitar . It's like fucking jammed up . There's just some guy like wailing on a guitar . It's like a ton of acid . Yeah , flying around , that's fucking dope . Yeah , I don't know anything about a lot of religions , the , the jews ?
Speaker 1They got kind of the , the short end of that one . What the ? Of the bible , the old testament , oh really . They're like , oh , we're gonna call . Oh really , they're like , oh , we're going to call it the Old Testament . Now they're like what ? Oh , so that's their . What is it ? The Talmud ?
The Bible, Jesus, and Cultural Interpretations
Speaker 1There's a bunch of them . There's like the Tanakh , the Talmud , blah , blah , blah . There's different volumes of those books .
Speaker 1And then they were like hey , we got an idea . Matthew , mark , luke , john , they were going to tell the story of Jesus . Good Christian names , yeah , good Christian names . Christ , well , there's that whole thing that I don't know if this is true or not . What the thing I got from the passion was that the Jews killed Jesus . So that's a big misconception too . So they were under Roman law , yeah . And then they they were sort of like the , but they seemed like they were kind of like the tie break of what to do in that situation . So they were like they occupied Wall Street , that area , yeah , and they let the Jews run small issues within , you know , their own towns . Yeah , and they let the Jews run small issues within their own towns , yeah .
Speaker 1So there were people claiming to be the Messiah . All the time there was false prophets left and right . Prime , false prophet time , yeah . And so Jesus is causing quite a ruckus . And so the Jews and the Romans . They're like what are we going to do about this guy ? The Jews are like he's done , we've got to get rid of him . And the Romans are like , all right , we're getting rid of him , let's do it . That was it . Yeah , that was it .
Speaker 1So is that confirming or denying ? I don't know what it is , I don't know . I mean I wouldn't say the Jews killed Jesus . I don't know . I mean I wouldn't say the Jews killed Jesus . It's just sort of a sign of the times . Yeah , I don't know . Yeah , it wasn't like , yeah , some guy . Yeah , it wasn't like Lee Harvey Oswald . Yeah , jack Goldstein was actually doing the hammering . Yeah , they just made the decision . There was no Luigi Mangione Mangione . That came out and fucking shot him in the back . That came out and fucking shot him in the back . Yeah , no , no , it wasn't like that .
Speaker 1I looked up what kind of wood , I think , once , that they made the cross out of . I need some of that wood to make a coffee table . That'd be a real nice chair , um , and I think it was like a Cedar , some kind of like Cedar Um , but there were . But , like when the cross was it ? Like ? I guess it found its way across the world and a lot of different places , and there was one place .
Speaker 1I think I'm gonna have to get back to you on this , but it's really fascinating . Is the mic over ? Nope , no , we didn't miss the mic . I hope not . It's all . I don't know . I don't know , I don't know .
Speaker 1There was a bunch of those things too . That's Catholicism . All of your tokens , trinkets it's a mystery . Like they have the Shroud of Turban Turan , turan , turan , yeah , yeah , t-u-r-a-n . And you could see his face .
Speaker 1Yeah , that's all bullshit . Bite your tongue . You could say some Hail Marys for me . I will , yeah , I'll be like my friend said stuff that was bad . Will you say something ? You're going to go tell your mom . I'm going to go tell my priest and he's going to be like will you say something about fathers and put that dick between the ? No , he's going to ask for fucking money . Hey , you still owe us some money to get this thing done for your daughter .
Speaker 1Oh , the Catholic jilt's crazy , because I'd go and they'd pass the collection basket around , I'd be like I don't have any money . Damn , you went to church without money . Yeah , of course , without cash . Yeah , I didn't tithe , you know , eggs these days I get it . But I kind of felt the same way . When I go to AA meetings and I don't put like a dollar in , I'm like I'm a real piece of shit .
Speaker 1You know , whatever , they'll be fine . Yeah , they'll be all right . The Catholic Church will be all right . Yeah , they're doing just fine . They're doing fine . They're doing absolutely fine , although the church we were going to was old and in slight disrepair , which is sort of a weird feeling when they're like , yeah , the church is falling apart , it was built in the fifties , we need help .
Speaker 1Blah , blah , blah . You're blowing up . Yeah , I'm blowing up . I'm making sure no one's getting shot downstairs . Oh , that would suck . She just said this man said that lady , I don't , I don't know what's going on , it doesn't matter . No , nothing matters . Nothing really matters . How are you doing over there ? Good , I'm pretty comfortable . Yeah , we should probably do the mic before it's over . Yeah , what time is it ? It's late 30 . Yeah , it's getting there . Yeah , it is late 30 . It's almost daddy's nap time . Well , hopefully this stuff sorts itself out with the house . Trust the house yeah , it's going to be fine , it'll be fine . Trust in God Hell , yeah . Trust in Rutherford .
Speaker 1Rutherford , and that big old bat dick Was Solomite . No , I wasn't Solomite , it was Dolomite the bat . Dolomite , yeah , it was Dolomite , dolomite the bat . It's cool , you can look at it . Go ahead and touch it . Come on , dan , come on , touch that big old bat dick . Come on , just touch it one time . It's impressive , right ? Just touch it . Come on now , touch it . Touch it . You should do it . You should touch it . No , no , I'm a man of God . Today's podcast was brought to you by rutherford alligator dick . Thank you .
