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Lowcountry Lowlifes
Maybe the greatest mediocre podcast you've never heard. Listen to comedian Josh Bates and Dan Sweeney talk about something and nothing all at once. Insightful? Maybe. Entertaining? Kinda. A waste of your time? Absolutely. Oh....and Dan quit the show
Lowcountry Lowlifes
Rutherford and Serotine
Feels good. Dude, that song's a vibe. Oh yeah, yeah, I like it. This is Josh Bates, dan Sweeney. Welcome to Low Country, low Lives, motherfucks. Thanks for making a stop on the way down to Poundtown. Poundtown Well, how did we both get to Poundtown just now? It's just what I. When you go down, where are you going down to? I mean downtown, pound town, yeah, funky town, funky town, yeah, but pound town, yeah, pound of poos, it's on the brain. Poon hounds, we're all the same. Licking clit, we're just all licking clit, talking shit, talking shit, licking clits on the porch watching the hummingbirds play.
Speaker 1:There's a poem I wrote in third grade. We got a lot of alligators in our backyard. Oh, yeah, yeah, not in our backyard, but behind there's a pond. Oh, you got some alligators in your backyard. We got some alligators. My friend, you stay away from them because they chomp your leg right out, right off. No, yeah, we have alligators. I don't like it. Yeah, you know they're in there. Yeah, they want they will eat you and I swung by your house. I helped you move. No big deal. Yeah, that was a huge thank you. You're welcome. Thank you for that. But you told me that you know most of the pond is, you know, seven-foot gators, but every year a big 11-foot bull comes around and they call him Rutherford. Rutherford, yeah, oh, he's Rutherford. I do declare my penis is ready, is open For business Because, as we know, we are going down to pound town. Come here, hop on this scaly cock so you can hatch eggs at the bottom of this pond. Get my fruitful juices, my eggs, my beautiful eggs.
Speaker 1:How do alligators fuck? Yeah, we're gonna watch it later. I know, because now I need to know. I do need to know. I need to know because they lay I think they lay eggs. Yeah, there's crocodile eggs, so it's not like you know. Yeah, I mean, they're lizards and they don't have long arms, so it's not like Rutherford's going in there and putting his hands around her shoulders and giving her the old business. I don't even really get eggs. Yeah, well, I think that's just the devil playing tricks. I don't know. I'm 44, and I don't know how birds'm. I'm 44 and I don't know how birds fuck. They don't. Birds aren't real. Okay, that's a whole other thing. Yeah, like well, I know ducks, when ducks fuck, yeah, the corkscrew dick, and it's not like a happy. But I think they're also monogamous. I think they stick with cause that the female ducks. Like I'm not dealing with other, I'm not dealing with that again. Yeah, not after that. No, not after Corky over here. Yeah, had his way with me, corky Romano. Yeah, all right.
Speaker 1:Alligators mate in water. Checks out, lubed up, with the male mounting the female and copulation occurring under the water. Well, yeah, they're in the water and it's typically lasting less than a minute. I have a lot in common with an alligator. Um, the male will mount the female in the water. What I don't like about this answer is it doesn't give me like. It definitely tells you they do it in the water, but I think it's missionary stomach to stomach belly to belly no, he's on top they. It's missionary Stomach to stomach Belly to belly no, he's on top. They always mount, though most of the time he's got to get the tail out of the way, unless Rutherford is quite engorged. When Rutherford gets engorged with that alligator blood, he displaces water in the pond.
Speaker 1:On a hot Charleston day, alligators begin their courtship rituals in April and the mating season often happening from May to June that's what they were telling me. So you'll see frenzied water out in your backyard. Jesus, old, fucking Rutherford Shallow areas, particularly, oh great, next to my house. Oh, okay, so the male will mount the female in the water and they will twist around each other to align their cloacas, that's their waist and reproductive orifices. Now I'd like to say you've got the most beautiful, tight cloaca. Oh, sweetheart, sit that cloaca on my snout, let me see the hue, let me breathe the scent of your cloaca. Little defecation, oh, did you just shit out of your cloaca? That's all right, rutherford don't care, rutherford loves the good, the bad and the stinky. That just as long as I got that cloaca in my face. Rutherford's just walking up little cane fuzzy hat. Yeah, he does. This little pimp walk, shuffle, little shuffle. Yeah, birds fuck. Because ducks fuck. Yeah, so birds fuck.
Speaker 1:But I don't, I don't get how they inseminate the egg. So the egg is still up in their jump, up in their cooch, up with their bird cooch. Yeah, hold on. How do birds make sex? How the birds make sex? Birds mate through a process called a cloacal kiss, where the male and female briefly touch their cloacas, the opening for the digestive, reproductive and urinary tracts to transfer sperm, okay. And then it goes into the egg. And then the egg, I'm sure, hardens once it's almost ready to be dropped out of the? Yeah, it's probably just a jelly. And then you know, it's like an egg mold. Pop a bird, just yeah, tweet, tweets and then it hardens up, you know. So birds don't have any external sex organs. Most bird species do not have external sex organs. Yeah, I mean, have you seen a fucking bird dick flying around? It would be crazy. A hummingbird with seen a fucking bird dick flying around, the crazy hummingbird with. That's all you would see. Yeah, just dicks flying, flying dicks, flying dicks everywhere, just flapping in the wind.
Speaker 1:Now there are flying mammals. There's a few, right, I don't know. Yeah, look at flying mammals, you have the power of the internet. No, we do. There's, like, I mean, squirrels don't fly the flying squirrels, they just kind of glide. Yeah, it's a glide. Bats oh yeah, you had the bat orgy going on up in. Isn't a bat a mammal? Yeah, you're right. This podcast became are you smarter than a third grader? Yeah, what Bats are mammals? Bats are mammals, dude. Instead of there's that whole birds aren't real dude. Instead of there's that whole birds aren't real. Bats are the only flying mammal capable of true sustained flight, while other mammals like flying squirrels and sugar gotters can glide.
Speaker 1:Good old bats, dude, they did it. The Batman bat said you know what? We're going to fly, we're going to get out of here. Yeah, they cause COVID and, uh, they can fly. So I think it's.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's the t-shirts and the website called Birds Aren't Real and I want to make one that's bats or mammals, bats or mammals, and that's it. And then when people are like, what are you talking about? You're just like bats or mammals. Look into it, look it up, check it out. They don't have a colloquial, the colloquial Colloquial. You know what they got Big old bat dicks. So do the bats have dicks? Then I'll check it out. All right, google's like you're a.
Speaker 1:You ever watch Batman porn? No, but I remember one in high school. I saw where it was like is a guy dressed as a pterodactyl, just like in a semi-realistic pterodactyl suit, yeah, and just flapping his wings while two ladies bloom. I saw this really good one. It was Alice in Wonderland. Ooh, I had the tape for a long time. You had. Yeah, I had. Yeah, it was a VHS.
Speaker 1:Yes, male bats have penises, damn dude. Most bat species have relatively small penises Nice, aw. But some species, such as serotonin bats, serotine bats have unusually large penises. These large penises are used to push aside the female's tail membrane, which can cover the vulva during mating, so they have a giant. What are they called, these type of bats? The serotine bat? Serotine bats, and they're like this. They're like yo. The serotonin bat serotonin bats, you know? And they're like this. They're like yo. What's up? Bad, how are you doing? I'm going to fuck up your fucking bat pussy. They have sex for up to 12 hours. God damn, yeah, making us all look bad, us other mammals.
Speaker 1:Serotonin bats have penises seven times longer and wider than their female counterparts vaginas, oh so they're not even using it all. Yeah, you know, I, I don't like these bats. Do they make you feel a little inferior? Yeah, I don't like them. I don't like the cut of their jib. What's the problem, dan? You don't like. You don't like the serpentine bat. Nah, shut up bat. What's wrong, dog? I don't like you. What you want to see it? No, come on, man, it's seven times bigger than that, that bat pussy.
Speaker 1:You remember that scene in boogie nights with his dick? Yeah, but the part where, like you know, it's like with his dick with. Yeah, but the part where, like you know, it's like the where everything switches from film to vhs and all their lives start like spiraling out of control. Yeah, and so dirk digler is like in a parking lot with a guy who's just, he just gets in the guy's pickup truck and he's just beating off. And the guy's like, yeah, that's what he's doing now he can't have sex on camera, so he's just beating off and strange men's trucks how did that go? And so he's doing, he's like trying, he's like, and the guy's like come on, yeah, and he's like yeah, and then like he's like I can't, I can't come. And the guy's like, fuck you beats. And then, like a bunch of guys come out of nowhere and like, beat the shit out of him for doing something gay with his donkey dick. They're like, yeah, fuck you with your guy donkey, they're doing your bait off stuff and they beat the shit and then they drive off. I don't remember this at all, you know. No, no, it's the part. It's the part where, like a church, bells ringing and don cheetles going in and, uh, getting donuts, and then the place gets robbed and everybody gets shot and then there's a huge bag of money.
Speaker 1:I think you just fantasized about this. I don't think so. Alright, but maybe I did, I don't know.
Speaker 1:That movie is pretty intense. It's a crazy movie. It reminds me of what was that movie, that druggie movie, requiem for a Dream? Yeah, that one's sadder, that one's really sad. That's a real bummer. And it it ends pretty yeah, double the, the old, double dildo, the old, yeah, double double-headed.
Speaker 1:A guy had to come up with that, the double-ended dildo, right, and the direct, the director, had to be a guy for that movie. They're like, hey, hey, we're going to add one more scene in this movie. And they're like, oh, what are we going to add? We're going to add, like an abscess in the arm or you know. No, no, we're going to have a bunch of rich old men watch two women.
Speaker 1:I think they were Japanese businessmen. Oh, were they Might have. Maybe I'm fantasizing that too. No, I think you might be right. Yeah, if not, it makes sense. I would love to do business with high-powered Japanese businessmen In the 80s, in the 90s, 90s, good call, yeah, yeah, not the 80s, they weren't.
Speaker 1:No, they were getting there. Yeah, they were getting there. Yeah, but the 90s, I bet that was prime Japanese time. Yeah, just doing karaoke and fucking lines off the hookers. And, yeah, eating sushi and just smoking cigarettes and just ripping cigarettes, forgetting the atrocities of world war ii together? Yeah, smelling panties? Yeah, they look like panty smellers. Yeah, that's racist, jesus. I didn't, I meant japanese businessmen, not of course. Yeah, not all Japanese people. Yeah, that would be. Yeah, it's not racist. No, that's just an assumption you're making about a group of people based on how they look and act. It's not like racist. Just an observation, josh. Just an observation.
Speaker 1:You sure you don't want to see this dick, dan? I don't want to see it. Come on, man. You want to look at Rutherford's big old dick? Nah, it's upsetting me, come on. Oh, not Rutherford. Rutherford has a small dick, serotine, serotine bat. You want to look at my big old bat dick? You're on Batman, bitch. It's okay if you're curious, it ain't weird, all right. All right, I'll take a look at it. Oh, jesus Christ, holy shit, that thing's gigantic.
Speaker 1:You haven't seen Saturday Night, have you? The movie, no, when it's like the first, not yet, my God, I'm going to spoil it for you because I've told you to watch it. I've told you to watch it several times. Why are you spoiling it for me? Fine, I won't.
Speaker 1:Scene with a rutherford type man guy pulls his dick out. Yeah, okay, and just, yeah, all right, it makes you feel bad for chevy chase. Damn, yeah, all right, he's a he's, he's a piece of shit. I don't know if he's a piece of shit. They've they've portrayed him as a piece of shit in hollywood. Now, of course, he's very blacklisted. So when, ho, when Hollywood zigs, I zag, I go, he's probably not that bad. Yeah, I get it. He's a good friend of Doug Kenny.
Speaker 1:I loved Chevy Chase when I was a kid. Yeah, fletch Great movie, oh yeah. Clark Griswold yeah, anytime there was a Chevy Chase, oh, dude. Speaking of which, we lost Val Kilmer RIP. Yeah, yeah, that's tough. Yeah, I don't like it.
Speaker 1:The Iceman, mad Mardigan, dude, Mm-hmm. Doc Holliday, yeah, tommy Huckleberry, the Saint the Doors, mm-hmm. He played Moses in that cartoon. What was the top secret? You ever watch that? Yeah, that was wild Decent movie. Yeah, it's kind of fun. Yeah, it was good. It's a funny movie for the kids, for the troops, that was a good movie. I liked that movie.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, he died. I didn't know. He was 65. That's pretty young. Yeah, it wasn't. No, he got, he, he must've. I don't know, that's what I meant by 65. He was only you know. You don't say that with somebody who's not. He was only 90.
Speaker 1:One day we'll say that, man, I know, because that's the interesting thing is, we all seem to be dying younger, true, you know? Yeah, no, you're absolutely right, it's like things. They're like medical technologies, better than ever, food is more abundant and everybody's dying a little bit younger, in this country at least. And our birth rate? We're fucking it up. Yeah, it's not good. No, I mean our fertility, not fertility. What's the one called when they die at childbirth? Survival, maybe that's it. There's a statistic they use. I can't think of Infant mortality.
Speaker 1:Thank you, you're welcome. Infant mortality rate has dropped dramatically. We've talked about that. But that's like, have we I mean you and I off? Oh, yeah, yeah, in the sauna, yeah, about how doctors rush a lot of pregnancies and all that stuff? Yeah, yeah, it is a well, it is that thing where women have been doing it forever, since the origination of our species. Yeah, and now we treat it like it's an emergency that the hospital's like I got to get you through this, like I got gotta get that baby out as fast as possible and as convenient as possible. Yeah, so you need me more than I need you. That's what the hospital is. It's like, no, I don't think so. Yeah, but you know, big medical, big pregnancy, it's all, yeah, it's all the same. I don't like it.
Speaker 1:I drive by, work every morning and, uh, you know, I'm got. I'm out on the road at like six, 45 and there's a guy standing outside the Planned Parenthood, just uh, with the signs out yeah, babies are killed here, and every now and then I just put my fist out. But you know, hell, yeah, brother, come on, keep speaking the truth, man, cause he's not lying. Babies are killed there. I want to drive by and be like oh, dude, thank you, I couldn't find the place. Oh, is this where it is? Yeah, it is an arrow. Oh, this is where I got to get my wife, my pregnant wife, cause we're trying to kill he's, he's 18.
Speaker 1:Well, I kind of want to go up to the guy. I've had the fantasy about going up to him, be like so, do you like? Fuck you, man, do you have? What's your deal? Yeah, like, do you have kids? Yeah, have you birthed a child before? Have you heard about the seratine bat showing his giant dick? They don't even fit. Yeah, it's too big for her. It's too big. He's looking out for other puss. Yeah, he's looking for that goose pussy right down the street. There's rutherford and he's prime time to go see him. Yeah, but, like you know, yeah, what's your like? Where did you like? Do you have kids? Do you have a fan? Because I don't know. I don't want to be that dad who's like waking up early and kissing his you know kids on the head and be like have a good day, you know, pat them on the head and get a cup of coffee and then drive down to the Planned Parenthood and then just stand there with a sign, you know. So I don't know. To me that seems mentally ill.
Speaker 1:There are these weird groups of people that are very, very anti-abortion, yeah, and it's like, why are you so anti-abortion? Yeah, like you said, what's what's driving? I think it's the, the fundamentalist. You believe something where I don't know reality's kind of shaky. So I think when people latch on to something that's definitive, like religion because I'm assuming they're religious people, because non-religious people generally don't care about abortion, you know, they didn't talk about it a whole lot in the Bible Abortion, like, yeah, I think it's just Not at all.
Speaker 1:It's a good position for a religion to take that they love children, yeah, and then sometimes they take it too far and have sex with those children and they're like I thought you said, fuck children. Yeah, you got to be more clear next time. Oh, you confused me. I'm just a priest who loves children a little too much, some might say. But the Lord forgives and forgets. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't think people realize putting, like the people aren't having abortions because they just don't want to have kids for the most part, some are, some are. But like the people aren't having abortions because they just don't want to have kids for the most part, some are, some are, but a huge majority of it is just natural. Is nature, with a mother deciding they don't want to have that child, yeah, and in other animals it's very brutal and we don't think about it or talk about it, yeah, but a lot of animals, if they know they can't support that child, yeah, or they can't, you know whatever, they push it out of the nest. You ever see those videos of I mean, that's what you drew out there but like the birds you know, mama, birds like this is the shittiest one and just throws it out of the nest, it just tosses it. But I mean that. And like there's babies born excuse me, in utero, like with their organs on the outside of their bodies. Is that ectopic? Yeah, yeah, and it's like you want that mom to go through nine months and have that baby.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's the weird part. It's weird. It is weird. I don't like it. It'd be weird if you liked it. I like it.
Speaker 1:You know, I don't think they think, but maybe it's the blanket thing where you believe in heaven and hell so much that you're like I have to take this position, even though, logically, I know I'm making people suffer as a result of it. That's crazy, it's insane. It's so insane, it's so insane that there's states now that will arrest you. Insane, it's so insane. It's so insane that there's states now that will arrest you. There's, uh, one of the states. You will get more time for having an abortion than actually murdering somebody. No, then the person that raped you. Oh, how much time they would serve. Whoa, yeah, you would serve more time. State is that? Uh, it's. Uh, I think it was it's texas or wisconsin or michigan or something. Oh, interesting, yeah. And it's like, really, yeah, really, this is what we're doing. Yeah, it's fucked up? Yeah, it is.
Speaker 1:So I'm glad this show became a very pro, a pro choice, uh podcast. That's why we're here, yeah, why, sorry, I brought that up. No, no, no, we, we have been doing this for five years, I think, yeah, to finally get to what our podcast is really about pro choice podcast, pro choice podcast. Yeah, yeah, for sure, yeah. And then what's not cool is the other side got to take the cool statement of I'm pro-life, well, everybody's pro-life, I, no, I'm not pro-life, I'm anti-life. I'm not anti-life, I'm just at life. Yeah, I'm pro certain lives like. And then there's other people's lives I'm like, I don't care. Yeah, like you, like black lives, for example, but I'm not anti-life. Fan of black lives, no, I love black lives. No, I know, I'm kidding.
Speaker 1:Not the organization, though, but the people. Yeah, the small organization. How we got into politics somehow? It's not political. No, no, it's not. No, it's a Marxist organization that stole money from people. George Soros ran it. No, he didn't run it. No, he did. I don't think he ran it. He ran it in the pizza shop. Yeah, black Lives Matter. Look, you're finally reading the books I've been sending you. You're finally seeing the truth. Oh man, relax, I just want to take some pictures. Great show, but, yeah, pro-life, yeah, that is. I mean, that's the. They are technically pro-life, yeah, but it's just like they're not con-life. It just sounds way cooler Like the right and the left.
Speaker 1:Who figured that out? Who came up with that? How did they come up with the term like your left or your right? Yeah, which directions? Which? Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes I turn left, sometimes I turn right Paper rock scissors and they're like all right, we'll be the right, you'll be the left. Yeah, jerry Seinfeld, why aren't they killing babies? That'd be interesting if he was, that would be cool. Or if he started doing like louis ck bits, but in jerry seinfeld's voice. Yeah, that'd be pretty cool. I was thinking of one bit in particular, but I'm not gonna. Yeah, you don't want to say the n-word. No, um, yeah, I don't, um, I don't know how they came up with that or why they came up with that. The left and the right. He did this thing where it's like, if you're a lefty, if you're correct about an answer, or you're right on time, or you're left out, or like it was a very good Seinfeldian, where he used, you know, every known uh, what is it. He left out of time.
Speaker 1:What's the deal with Israel? He just starts saying some real shit. What's the deal with Israel? He just starts saying some real shit. What's the deal with the Palestinians? Why do we care? They're hurting the motherland. What's wrong with fucking kids? I don't see the problem. Jeff Epstein honeypotted politicians to work for Israel. That's genius. Jesus Christ, relax, how are you Like?
Speaker 1:A tree fell in my yard, yeah, and I got stung by a bee on my the top of my foot, by a bee on the top of the foot. So it feels. So, yeah, of course, early morning, spring, south carolina, go out, feel the dew between your toes. Yeah, yeah, and a bee just stung me. That tree was a whole city. There were carpenter ants, raccoons, bees, all sorts of things. It's dead now.
Speaker 1:And then that storm came through. Vicious storm, vicious storm Whipped right through James Island, Threw out the low country. Not a whisper was heard because it was carried away by the wind. The wind, if you're real quiet right down the atlantic ocean, you can hear it. You can hear the whispers of screams of some of those raccoons. Raccoons got in the back porch mama just takes them off of the broom. So, yeah, so a tree fell down. It landed right in between.
Speaker 1:It's a big tree. Yeah, it's an. It's an 80 year old water oak. Did you hear it go down? Yeah, yeah, I was holding my babe. Were you just like, fuck, I thought it was a tornado, because the wind whipped, yeah, with quite a force, the force that seized for something. It was akin to that, um, yeah, and uh, it felt like, um, yeah, like a tornado, all of a sudden, like, and then did it uproot, or so it's a big, it's a big, grand water oak.
Speaker 1:Yeah, uh, water oaks are shit trees. They planted them on all these subdivisions around here because they're oaks that just suck up so much water that they grow like like a live oak or a red oak grant, like tall, yeah, but then after 80 years they're like obese trees. They've just taken in so much. They're just like, and then they become soggy and rotted and so part of it it's like a three-part tree. You know, it goes up, made trunk big, and then that branch fell right in between us and our neighbor, and so we were going to talk to the people behind us, but that house is abandoned. Oh, so we can't. It's not like. You can be like, take care of the tree, because there's just whispers in there, nothing but but whispers and secrets.
Speaker 1:Yeah, stories of yesteryear, yeah, I love an abandoned house. Oh yeah, it gives me such an interesting feeling, a sadness or a joy, a sadness, sadness. It's like a giving tree, but also just a curiosity and a renewal of the curiosity for life and what it all means Jesus Christ and what happened there, because that's a big, that's the biggest thing Besides the birth of my child and marrying my wife. The house is huge, sure. And then somebody did that once too, and then it was just like fuck it, something happened. You know, yeah, what happened. Maybe they fellated a serotine bat once too, and then it was just like fuck it, something happened. You know, yeah, what happened. Maybe they fellated a serratine bat and got sick. Yeah, maybe people saw it and the whole family was shamed and they moved out of town and then they just stopped paying their taxes. So it's just abandoned. That's crazy, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So now you got a, you getting like a company To come out and saw it. And, yeah, we had the arborist Come out today. Hell yeah, good guys, hell yeah, you gonna use the wood, or is it shit wood? Nah, shit wood. Shitty wood, oh, no, no, shit wood. I don't want that shit. Not even good enough For a samurai temple. Fuck it, samurai port-a-potty, samurai tampon, samurai tampon, yeah, samurai tampon, uh, yeah.
Speaker 1:So it's gone now, but you've had a bit of a jesus, yeah, yeah, I mean we, we had a bunch of issues in our last house and it was just time to move. We had bad orgy termites yeah, big old you know, we had bats. We had termites. We had Big old you know, we had bats. We had termites. We had fucking a dishwasher flooded and ruined all the floor. Yeah, bunch of shit.
Speaker 1:So then we get to our new house, which I love it. Great house, thank you. And the my favorite thing in the house is the shower. Yeah, oh yeah, it's a nice shower. It's a. You can fit 12 people in that shower. Fit rutherford in there, yeah, easily. And a little bit of yeah, his dick's not too big, so seratine bat hanging from the top, yeah, but uh, yeah, we even have a little chandelier over the bathtub, real bougie, like that is bougie. So I take a shower, as you do.
Speaker 1:A couple hours later, uh, I hear I'm downstairs in the kitchen here a little drip drip on the carpet, oh, no, on the rug, yeah. And then I go in, uh, the, the, that room and, uh, there's a huge bubble on the ceiling water just coming down. What's that first reaction? Fuck, yeah, like I, it was immediate like is this a small leak and whatever? And you're watching the kids right now, right, yeah, or is this gonna come down? Yeah, like you don't know. Yeah, you see those videos where it's like the just the paint almost just expands like a water balloon, and then, yeah, yeah and the whole, and I'm like what the fuck? So I'm trying to find the shut off. That was funny.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it took forever to find it and luckily it was in the house. Yeah, found it after a while. It called you and was trying to figure it out. I was like I don't know where it is. Yeah, you're like I don't fuck. I know, dude, come on, dude, it could be anywhere, yeah, and uh, it was. It was somewhere, yeah, which was crazy hidden, yeah. And so, um, yeah, we had them come out last late last night. Plumber fucked around with it and, uh, now they gotta, you know, dehumidify it and air it out. They did that today, yeah, and then was your wife out of the house when the plumber was there. Yeah, luckily, thank god, I have another kid.
Speaker 1:Well, I have this thing like it's like when I'm around, uh, like arborists, arborists are very manly men, yeah. So when I came home from work today, I was like god damn, god damn, they're men. I was like I gotta be tougher. I'm a carpenter, I'm, you know, I do, yeah, the decent, but the arborists are what in the? Uh? It's that jaylen girl. Who's that? One of the girls knew a female.
Speaker 1:Oh well, yeah, it sounded like it. Yeah, I don't know if they can hear it on the podcast, but holy shit, yeah, that was wild. Yeah, it sounded like a bat. It sounded like Roger Rabbit got hit on top. Oh no, it sounded like when Daffy Duck goes insane. Yeah, yeah, that's Eddie, please. I love that movie back in the day. Jessica Rabbit, my God, yeah, please. I love that movie back in the day. Jessica Rabbit, my God, yeah, sweet Jessica Rabbit Fucking 10-year-old boners. That gave me. Oh, yeah, 32-year-old boners, it gave me. And then Moxema Girl who's Moxema Girl? I have to look up her name. She was on a couple of random shows, yeah, but she was a Moxema commercial where she washed her face. She was like the hottest girl and I just had a huge crush.
Speaker 1:Do you ever see doc hollywood? Yeah, of course, with uh marty mcfly. Uh, michael j fox yeah, do you remember the chick in that who gets naked? Yeah, she's the love interest in uh tommy boy. Yeah, she looked amazing. Yeah, she had like great 80. There's the 90s movie curly hair, big old ladies I think it's a. It's a pg-13 movie full, full frontal, full frontal bush and everything. Yeah, I mean great positive. I think you could see. Yeah, of course I pause it. What are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, so check this out. You you're familiar with the movie doc hollywood? Yeah, cause you've seen it. This is crazy. Okay, the movie cars have you seen the movie cars? Uh, huh. Okay, I'm going to just talk about cars for a minute. And you think of doc holiday in your head? Okay, doc Hollywood, doc Hollywood, yeah, doc holiday, val Kim.
Speaker 1:So Lightning McQueen, famous race car driver, yeah, he's going down some random place speeding, being naughty as you do, and he's all about himself, uh-huh, and he gets arrested. He gets in an accident, yeah, and he gets arrested, uh-huh, and he has to stay in that town, yeah, and then he befriends the town, as you do, yeah, and then they help him become a better person. He ingratiates himself and a better race car driver, uh-huh. And then he falls in love with the little small town girl in the movie, yeah, and then you see her muffler. But I'm saying it's the exact same movie, no, no. Yeah, it's like Fern Gully in Avatar, yeah, and Dances with Wolves Mm-hmm, all three of those are the same.
Speaker 1:Never saw danceable, fucking amazing movie really. I almost want to stop this podcast to make you watch it. Nah, it's three hours long, but it's fucking amazing really. Oh, it's so good. Okay, I'll check it out. Uh, but it's exactly the same movie.
Speaker 1:Cars and doc hollywood same exact movie. Interesting, there's even the old judge, yeah, and then there's the old car and paul newman yeah, paul newman, the hudson hornet yeah, same exact character. And then, and then the same thing with, uh, bugs, life and three amigos, love three amigos. Okay, so these bugs, right, the grasshoppers come and fuck with the ants. So the ants are like we need to get some help from somebody, yeah, so they go into the big city and they find these circus performers. They think they're real holy smoke. And then they come and protect the town yeah, they realize they're not really being paid to be circus performers but to protect the town, yeah. And then they eventually do and same exact fucking thing, like Pixar, just like, used other movies and put ants and cars. It's three amigos. That's brilliant. Yeah, love, three amigos.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, farley Farley, farley, farley Farley. A furrow and the singing bush was great. It's got up, but they shot it. Yeah, no, they shot the invisible horseman. Yeah, no, they shot the invisible horseman. The invisible horseman, yeah, it was great. Hey, bud, yeah, it was a good time. It was a good time.
Speaker 1:But, yeah, no, isn't that crazy? Yeah, I mean, it makes sense, yeah, but I mean it's like really on the nose, though it's not like a. Yeah, if you know, they're kind of similar, if you know, no, they're. Well, I just so.
Speaker 1:I saw doc hollywood later in life. Oh, yeah, no, that movie came out, probably. I think I saw cars before I saw. Yeah, doc hollywood came out like 10 years before. Um toy story, I mean, uh, before. Yeah, it was made in like the 90s, yeah, uh, cars was what? Mid 2000s? Yeah, um, yeah, I mean that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the recycling of there's only so many kind of things you can do. It's exactly the same. Well, one's you know a doctor, yeah, and the other one's a race car. But the thematic yeah, I get what you're saying Exactly Movie there's not a lot of deviation from, yeah, what that is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you remember Dragonheart? Yeah, sean Connery did the voice of the dragon, a great movie. And then fucking, what's his name is in it? Yeah, I forget the guy, but it's a. He's in Frequency as well. Jim Caviezel, dennis Quaid Frequency's a great movie.
Speaker 1:Wasn't Dennis Quaid in Braveheart? I mean, in Dragonheart, isn't he the main protagonist? He might be? I thought it was. Who was that? I think it was. It's not a good movie. Don't go back and watch it. Um, I loved it growing up. 96, yeah, where's the fucking cast? Yeah, dennis Quaid, dennis Quaid in a fucking medieval Knights and Dragons movie. It's got a hell of a cast. Sean Connery, he was great in Frequency. Dina Meyer, she's nice. Yeah, jim Caviezel, him and Jesus, they're making a sequel to Dragonheart.
Speaker 1:No, to Passion of the Christ, Passion of the he's risen. Yeah, and I'm like Did you see the passion? Yeah, did it move you? Did it tickle your spirit? No, it was like bdsm porn. It was a little gory. Yeah, I mean it was okay, it was good, they did a good job.
Speaker 1:When did that come out? It was early 2000, 98, 99, no, no. Like 2000, like 2000, 2001, 2002, yeah, because I went and saw it with my mom. My mom was like, you know, I wasn't, I wasn't allowed to go see r-rated films or whatever. But she was like, well, I'll take you to see this and went and saw passion, the christ, and I was like, oh, I was crying, it was a lot. And then for like a week I was like I'm gonna be very religious and I'd go do like the stations of the old I was probably 12, okay and I'd go like the stations of the cross I was probably 12. Okay, and I'd go to those stations of the cross and stuff like that. And but it was like around the same time too, where I was discovering how it was, discovering my body and things that it could do to make me feel better about life, yeah, and that Dan's bummed out, danny's gonna lay down and touch his pecker. I'm going to go. Dan's bummed out, danny's gonna lay down and touch his pecker. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go pray for a few minutes by myself, by myself. That's another thing too. That's weird.
Speaker 1:Is masturbation being a bad thing? Yeah, well, I mean it's, it's. It is the old saying, uncle ben, with not from spider-man with great power comes great responsibility of jerking off. Yes, why, why is jerking off a bad thing? I think right now, and you're, and you're being incredibly rude and I don't think, I don't think, I don't think you're meaning meaning to be there are a lot of men, some women who struggle with seeing any point to life more than just gratifying themselves sexually. You mean, their whole life revolves around self-satisfaction. Yes, and right now, that was my first 25 years on this planet. It's been my entire life since it's happened. Yeah, yeah. So you're letting it get between you and God, like you're making it a bigger thing. Is that what the problem is? Oh, you're making it like a religious thing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Why is it such a big deal about jerking off? You're wasting seed, but you got a ton of it. You know, you think of the human race as a garden, right, and if, say, I'm a farmer, right, I'm going to plant my tomatoes, yeah, and I'm planting them, and I'm planting, I'm doing what I'm supposed to, I'm tilling the soil, I'm putting them in there, I'm watering them, and but when I throw a couple seeds just behind my shoulder, I come and I keep I'm wasting seed. That's, that's essentially what it is, and it's it's the whole point of the religion thing is the it's to direct you to a greater purpose, to the light, than just jizzing in your pants what's wrong with that into a toilet bowl at two in the morning. It's, it's fine. I don't understand the yeah, religious implications of it is all it's the wasting seed part, because the whole point of religion is to have good, orderly direction. Sure, to have god. Yeah, I don't understand god in your life. I'm still trying to figure this out. Like, well, yeah, it's the same thing. It's like I I I don't necessarily agree with it at all. It's just like I don't know if you and I were sitting around the table like coming up with christianity, yeah, and I was like, oh, hey, another thing. No, jerking off, yeah, whoa, what's wrong with jerking off? I don't, it's bad. It's bad, yeah, I mean even with the jews, the whole. You know.
Speaker 1:Circumcision yeah, because it's clean. I don't know. Because it's clean, I don't know why. No, it's to make you less. It's a covenant between you and God. Yeah, look what I'm willing to do Right out of the rip, straight out of the gate, straight out of the gate. Take my foreskin here, it's yours. I don't know. Yeah, I mean some people they cut the dicks off babies because that's a covenant. Other people say don't masturbate. Other folks fly planes into buildings. Who knows why people do that? Who knows Josh, who knows it's one of life's mysteries? The shadow knows.
Speaker 1:Well, it's funny because you know, when the baby was born, katie and I started going back, you circumcised her. You gave her the old female circumcision. Yeah, we were like hell, yeah, dude, should we circumcise her? Should we not? I don't know. No, we were like that would be a funny bit. No, we were going to church. Yeah, I remember I told you about it. Yeah, and you were disgusted no, this is fucking waste.
Speaker 1:I was just curious of your intent. Yeah, it was really to get her baptized. Oh, I know it's the hedge, yeah, and we stopped going because we were like can we just get her baptized? And they were like you got to do this, that the other they were taking attendance and stuff like that, and I was just kind of like look, you're lucky, I'm even coming back here. Yeah, be happy that there's a like a young man that's wanting to go to church, like and here's my daughter here, save her soul, and you're like, yeah, but he doesn't like doing it like the priest, like I don't like doing it during this time of the year because of you know god, and stuff like that, and I just kind of was just like I don't think I want to be catholic again. I'm not, I don't, I don't care.
Speaker 1:Catholicism is weird to me because it's like you have this Christianity and then they're like LARPing, like they're like it's just there's so much involved. I do have an issue with people who say LARPing, because everybody is LARPing. Live action, role playing, that's what life is. Well, you're pretending to be someone else. You're pretending to be a fucking ogre. That's what everybody does all the time. Pretending to be someone else. Well, some guys are like, yeah, I'm a pediatric dentist and then at night he's having sex parties in Brooklyn. You know what I mean? Everybody's pretending to pretend, to pretend.
Speaker 1:So Catholicism is just weird because you got all the fucking things. You got the rosary. You got the rosary. You got confession. You got a whole hierarchy, you got the pope thing and cardinals. Yeah, the pope, the bureaucracy of it all and the money and the real estate. Not even that, even just what they practice. No, that is weird.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because the whole thing, the thing that I always kind of thought about Christ, jesus Christ, was his whole point of his life, was to have faith in his works. Not in him, yeah, not in he's, cause he, he, from what I gather about this fella, he doesn't seem like he's so. Like you gotta believe I'm the son of God. He was like look at what I gather about this fella, he doesn't seem like he's so like you gotta believe I'm the son of God. He's like look at what I'm doing. Look at how I'm hanging out with lepers. I'm doing miracles. I'm hanging out with a whore yeah, she's nice. Look, she's a person.
Speaker 1:And then Peter, he fucked it all up. Well, I think Peter was the one who built the church. So some say that peter was the devil in disguise. Oh, I think my brother said that to me. We might have been on acid dude. That's actually a really cool. That was a good.
Speaker 1:It was like a good theory, like theory, where you're like whoa he's. He's like, yeah, he's really well-read about everything. And yeah, I remember long ago, he's like, yeah, he subverted the whole thing Because he was raised Catholic and he's like I don't want to deal with this shit. And he's like the whole thing doesn't make sense From a perspective of just trying to be a good person, where you're naturally othering others instead of finding like community and the common bond of like a higher power and treating others the way you want to be treated. It just naturally fragments I. I don't even understand some basic principles like we, we.
Speaker 1:We did a podcast a while back. Um, come on in, brother. No, what up dude? Um, we did a podcast a while back where I did one with the, my neighbor that was a, a pastor, yeah. And we did a God episode. Yeah, go back into the anals of, uh, the archives, the archives.
Speaker 1:But uh, I don't get it. I don't understand even the idea that jesus died for our sins and like before jesus, everyone was going to hell and after he was, before he was resurrected, he went down to hell to get the keys to hell, so then people could go to heaven. Yeah, I'm like what? That sounds like a bad fan fiction. I get the sacrifice part because the whole thing is a representation of look what I'm willing to do See. And then I look at it more as when he died for our sins is meaning he died because of our sins, because we weren't ready to have him Precisely. Yeah, not ready to have him precisely, yeah, not ready to have him part, though, but it's pretty literal in there about how, after he died, he went to hell. And yeah, I don't read the bible, I don't know that's good, that gets in the way. I don't know what you're talking about. This is all just feeling dumb. This is all. I'm home. That's why I love judaism.
Speaker 1:Judaism is like the original movie, yeah, and they had this really good story. You know, they had fucking moses, they had jonah, they had adam and eve. You know, yeah, and some proverbs in there, some cool sayings, some rules, and then they were done. And then, a couple thousand years later, old jesus is like I'm the son of god. And then they just have these new, and then they killed him. And then they're like, oh, this is part of the bible, yeah, and and the jews are like, well, wait a minute. No, this is our story, this is our thing. Yeah, but this isn't. This is the sequel. This is the sequel. And we're like, well, we own the sequel. Like we own the rights to the sequel, you can't just so.
Speaker 1:They did like episodes four, five and six and then no, it's a lot like when we were kids you might be too young, but there was the Ghostbusters cartoon and then there was the real Ghostbusters cartoon. Did the cartoon proceed? There was after the movie came out. Yeah, then there was a movie. There was a cartoon called yeah, and I do remember it was not the Ghostbusters but the green there's like a monkey. Oh, I don't remember this. Yeah, yeah, I'll. I'll show you pictures here. I thought the green ghost was Slimer. Yeah, slimer was the second. That was called the real Ghostbusters. Okay, and the cartoon was literally called the real Ghostbusters because some company just was like fuck it, we're going to make a Ghostbusters and just different characters.
Speaker 1:You remember the Beetlejuice cartoon? Yeah, remember Batman Beyond? Oh yeah, batman Beyond was great. I hated it. I liked Batman, just the regular animated. Do you remember the theme song to the Batman Beyond? No, it was just some guy like wailing on a guitar. It's like fucking jammed up. There's just some guy like wailing on a guitar. It's like a ton of acid. Yeah, flying around, that's fucking dope. Yeah, I don't know anything about a lot of religions, the, the jews?
Speaker 1:They got kind of the, the short end of that one. What the? Of the bible, the old testament, oh really. They're like, oh, we're gonna call. Oh really, they're like, oh, we're going to call it the Old Testament. Now they're like what? Oh, so that's their. What is it? The Talmud? There's a bunch of them. There's like the Tanakh, the Talmud, blah, blah, blah. There's different volumes of those books.
Speaker 1:And then they were like hey, we got an idea. Matthew, mark, luke, john, they were going to tell the story of Jesus. Good Christian names, yeah, good Christian names. Christ, well, there's that whole thing that I don't know if this is true or not. What the thing I got from the passion was that the Jews killed Jesus. So that's a big misconception too. So they were under Roman law, yeah. And then they they were sort of like the, but they seemed like they were kind of like the tie break of what to do in that situation. So they were like they occupied Wall Street, that area, yeah, and they let the Jews run small issues within, you know, their own towns. Yeah, and they let the Jews run small issues within their own towns, yeah.
Speaker 1:So there were people claiming to be the Messiah. All the time there was false prophets left and right. Prime, false prophet time, yeah. And so Jesus is causing quite a ruckus. And so the Jews and the Romans. They're like what are we going to do about this guy? The Jews are like he's done, we've got to get rid of him. And the Romans are like, all right, we're getting rid of him, let's do it. That was it. Yeah, that was it.
Speaker 1:So is that confirming or denying? I don't know what it is, I don't know. I mean I wouldn't say the Jews killed Jesus. I don't know. I mean I wouldn't say the Jews killed Jesus. It's just sort of a sign of the times. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it wasn't like, yeah, some guy. Yeah, it wasn't like Lee Harvey Oswald. Yeah, jack Goldstein was actually doing the hammering. Yeah, they just made the decision. There was no Luigi Mangione Mangione. That came out and fucking shot him in the back. That came out and fucking shot him in the back. Yeah, no, no, it wasn't like that.
Speaker 1:I looked up what kind of wood, I think, once, that they made the cross out of. I need some of that wood to make a coffee table. That'd be a real nice chair, um, and I think it was like a Cedar, some kind of like Cedar Um, but there were. But, like when the cross was it? Like? I guess it found its way across the world and a lot of different places, and there was one place.
Speaker 1:I think I'm gonna have to get back to you on this, but it's really fascinating. Is the mic over? Nope, no, we didn't miss the mic. I hope not. It's all. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 1:There was a bunch of those things too. That's Catholicism. All of your tokens, trinkets it's a mystery. Like they have the Shroud of Turban Turan, turan, turan, yeah, yeah, t-u-r-a-n. And you could see his face.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's all bullshit. Bite your tongue. You could say some Hail Marys for me. I will, yeah, I'll be like my friend said stuff that was bad. Will you say something? You're going to go tell your mom. I'm going to go tell my priest and he's going to be like will you say something about fathers and put that dick between the? No, he's going to ask for fucking money. Hey, you still owe us some money to get this thing done for your daughter.
Speaker 1:Oh, the Catholic jilt's crazy, because I'd go and they'd pass the collection basket around, I'd be like I don't have any money. Damn, you went to church without money. Yeah, of course, without cash. Yeah, I didn't tithe, you know, eggs these days I get it. But I kind of felt the same way. When I go to AA meetings and I don't put like a dollar in, I'm like I'm a real piece of shit.
Speaker 1:You know, whatever, they'll be fine. Yeah, they'll be all right. The Catholic Church will be all right. Yeah, they're doing just fine. They're doing fine. They're doing absolutely fine, although the church we were going to was old and in slight disrepair, which is sort of a weird feeling when they're like, yeah, the church is falling apart, it was built in the fifties, we need help.
Speaker 1:Blah, blah, blah. You're blowing up. Yeah, I'm blowing up. I'm making sure no one's getting shot downstairs. Oh, that would suck. She just said this man said that lady, I don't, I don't know what's going on, it doesn't matter. No, nothing matters. Nothing really matters. How are you doing over there? Good, I'm pretty comfortable. Yeah, we should probably do the mic before it's over. Yeah, what time is it? It's late 30. Yeah, it's getting there. Yeah, it is late 30. It's almost daddy's nap time. Well, hopefully this stuff sorts itself out with the house. Trust the house yeah, it's going to be fine, it'll be fine. Trust in God Hell, yeah. Trust in Rutherford.
Speaker 1:Rutherford, and that big old bat dick Was Solomite. No, I wasn't Solomite, it was Dolomite the bat. Dolomite, yeah, it was Dolomite, dolomite the bat. It's cool, you can look at it. Go ahead and touch it. Come on, dan, come on, touch that big old bat dick. Come on, just touch it one time. It's impressive, right? Just touch it. Come on now, touch it. Touch it. You should do it. You should touch it. No, no, I'm a man of God. Today's podcast was brought to you by rutherford alligator dick. Thank you.
