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Lowcountry Lowlifes
Maybe the greatest mediocre podcast you've never heard. Listen to comedian Josh Bates and Dan Sweeney talk about something and nothing all at once. Insightful? Maybe. Entertaining? Kinda. A waste of your time? Absolutely. Oh....and Dan quit the show
Lowcountry Lowlifes
Epididymitis
hey, hey, hey, hey hey.
Speaker 2:Why do your?
Speaker 1:fingers smell, I don't know. They got like a little whiff of something. What do they smell like? They smell like dirty puss.
Speaker 3:Oh, I don't know A dirty pussy A dirty pussy. Oh, she is a dirty pussy. She's a dirty pussy. You go down to the dog. She finger the woman. She got a dirty pussy. How are you, bud, I'm doing?
Speaker 2:all right, you know my fingers smell.
Speaker 1:All right, dude, look at us. Two podcasts, two weeks. Yeah, we're doing it. Doing it, yeah, doing it live. Fuck it Three. Yeah, this is it. This is the third.
Speaker 2:We're taking it seriously. Daddies need a place to go to be safe, and for me, I come to the green room at wits end.
Speaker 1:While it rains, hang out with my best bud, josh.
Speaker 2:It rains, I like this rain it's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring. I like a good rain. Oh, I love a good rain. I love the smell of mulch too oh yeah, mulch.
Speaker 1:Now if in the final four of smells mulch or gasoline.
Speaker 3:Gasoline.
Speaker 1:Is there much better smells? It's America baby.
Speaker 2:It's so good, it smells so good. I love the smell of gasoline. I had that old motorcycle from the 70s Old vehicles, you know they just they have that because they're carbureted and they have that really nice gas smell yeah I love the gas, it's good smell, oh it's so good.
Speaker 1:It's kind of like our whole childhood, if you think about it.
Speaker 2:Gasoline just everywhere oh yeah, you know, when we were kids I think I've said this before, but there's an Enron executive, lou Pye. He's now one of the largest owners in Colorado. He married a stripper and got out before Enron crumbled and he didn't get in trouble. But he used to go before. When he was married he used to go to strip clubs all the time and on the way home he would go and fill up, get like some gas for his car, and then he'd dribble a little gas on his foot. So when he walked in the house his wife couldn't smell the strippers because the smell of gas would overpower the smell of a stripper. That's how good.
Speaker 2:The smell of it's so good and strong it can overpower even women's intuition yeah, even the strongest they sell clean whore scent.
Speaker 1:They say when you get pulled over yeah eat, uh, french fries. Like, go to mcdonald's on the like this is if you're shit-faced, yeah, when you're shit-facing, you get in your car. At the bar, yeah, stop at mcdonald's, get some fries, because it'll the something about the salt and the starch it'll soak it all up soaks, all the smell up.
Speaker 2:I've heard this one too, and I did a semester at law school, so this checks out. Yeah, you get pulled over, right, you immediately toss your keys into the back at the back seat yeah and when the cop comes up to the window you lock the door, roll windows up and then you just chug some like hard alcohol or something like that, and then you stop and you get out and they can't prove that you were driving drunk, but that you just got drunk right then and there right then, and there I just opened this bottle.
Speaker 2:No, I just did this now, I didn't. I wasn't when I hit that mailbox. It's because I was texting, not because I was drunk.
Speaker 1:I like it. It's pretty brilliant, right? You know we might have talked about this. That's what we're going to call this new podcast. We might have talked about this before. I watched this for a long time and then I did it myself.
Speaker 1:Where, when you go to porn yeah, if you heard this, if you're this thing called born on the computer, it's wild. Yeah, yeah, just look it up, dude, it's crazy. Anything you want, it's there, full penetration. No, so there's this thing where, like you know, you go to walmart, right, or like lowe's, and you buy your shit and you're walking out and then what do they do? They stop you and they ask sir, let me see your receipt. Yeah, that is against every fucking law known to man. Interesting, like they can't make me show them a receipt. Do you throw a tantrum? I now, I do. And they they already know that like the routine. Yeah, like they could do it if it was at a Sam's club, if it was a membership club. But they can't, they can't stop me and and keep my goods until I show them proof of purchase. Oh, interesting, that's my proof of purchase. Oh, interesting, that's my piece of paper I don't have to show you anything.
Speaker 2:No, it's my paper. You can't look at it? Yeah, it is interesting because it's one of those. It is a private company.
Speaker 1:Okay, but so I go in there, I buy goods from you.
Speaker 2:Uh huh. Allegedly I'm exiting you, allegedly buy goods.
Speaker 1:Yes yeah, I allegedly bought goods I'm exiting and they say I need to see your receipt. Yeah, no, and I continue walking and they go. That's like they can't keep me there. They can't take my goods away from me. Has this happened a couple times to you? No, I would watch. So there's a thing online where the people do this and I got hyped up about it. I'm like, yeah, you're right. So now I do it.
Speaker 2:And it's only happened like because I don't go to walmart yeah, um, you're a few weeks away from becoming a sovereign citizen, dude I I love those videos they don't have.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm not driving my car, this is a transportation work.
Speaker 2:I am a sovereign. I do not acknowledge your laws.
Speaker 1:That's the best, but yeah, don't show your receipt at Walmart. Yeah and get french fries if you're driving drunk, if they keep you there, that's against your constitutional right.
Speaker 2:That's kidnapping and you can sue them. Walmart's a big.
Speaker 1:What's that word? Duress no, not duress. When you hold somebody against their will, kidnapping to rest when you, when you hold somebody against their will, kidnapping no, there's a different word. It's in the constitution. You can't smother, no, no. No, it's not a recipe term. Uh, it's not a waffle house term. Uh, it's not abatement, it's not. It's like it's not search and seizure. You're holding me in something anyway, it's not habeas corpus.
Speaker 2:You're holding me in something.
Speaker 1:Anyway it's not habeas corpus, no, no. But don't show your fucking receipt, dude, fuck that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't have to show you shit, show it up your ass and be like come get it. Yeah, come get this fucking. So, yeah, they have to prove. They have to prove that you stole it Exactly, which is tough to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I used to. I've had 80 jobs and one of them when I was like 20, was at the BX, which is just like a Kmart. You know Walmart yeah.
Speaker 1:I was in loss prevention and I would watch the videos Like I would sit there and watch the cameras Smoking a cigarette. The only people I ever busted was kids stealing Game Boy games and Playboys Were you like cool. Yeah, it would suck, though, because I'd feel bad, because I'd need a catch and I'd catch a kid like oh fuck, he stole a Playboy and he's with his mom, his mom's, over there shopping for underwear, and he's shopping for underwear too, in a different way.
Speaker 2:Interesting.
Speaker 1:And they'd be like I don't have anything, because I'd be like, hey, come with me in the back office.
Speaker 3:Yeah, pull your pants down, pull your pants down. Show me what you have. Show me what you got. Yeah, come on.
Speaker 1:And then they'd pull out the Playboy and then mom would be pretty upset.
Speaker 2:Yeah, now he's probably he's got some. That's a shameful thing. That's a lot of shame for a young boy to feel, especially playboy holy shit with your shiny red face, the face of justice, the hovering over him.
Speaker 1:Goddamn right, yeah, you think you're gonna get by on me. I would fall asleep at work and it was great because yeah, because you're in a small room with like 80 old tvs, because this was like back in 2002 yeah, kind of have a low hum to them oh yeah, and it was so hot in there and I would just knock out and no one goes in there, because, yeah, kind of have a low hum to them.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, and it was so hot in there and I would just knock out and no one goes in there, because they didn't have a key to go in there. Yeah, so just be me, just preventing loss.
Speaker 2:Four and a half missing all the real crime.
Speaker 1:Going on, dude, go steal anywhere you want, because I promise you that guy that works in loss prevention is sleeping in that room but yeah, you got to think, yeah, but knowing my luck, he's probably he's watching.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well it lows now.
Speaker 1:They're the lows over where I live. You know, now that we just bought a new place, I'm over at lows every five minutes. Yeah, they don't have any counters, it's all checkout it's all self-checkout, it's all self-checkout, which to me is dangerous at a lows. Oh yeah, because you have all these random pieces on your cart. It's brilliant, I love it.
Speaker 2:It makes me want to steal. So let's say this you ever steal, dan a couple of times, because I frequent lows, yeah, and I go and I do the. The best is when you bring a bunch of stuff because you're getting a big project done and then, like with plumbing, you put all the pieces together and you're like it's just this one pipe and they're're like, okay, or it's three and it's really five.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, no, it's always one, it's always one. It's always one, and sometimes you get a real vigilante behind the and they'll go and they'll count everything and they'll pull it, but most of the times they just scan. They're like have a nice day, baby. They don't care, I go. Thank you, ma'am.
Speaker 1:No one cares anymore, because I think they've done the math. They figure out how much people are really stealing. They're like, yeah, whatever.
Speaker 2:I'm not stealing, I'm just keeping you on your toes. Yeah, you're making sure they're working.
Speaker 3:What am I going to do? I billion?
Speaker 2:dollar corporation you know I wouldn't do that at where rings end, small lumber yard up by where I grew up I'll never do that.
Speaker 1:What is it called?
Speaker 2:rings in rings in we never do that. It rings in it's a small mom and pop operation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what's the deal with true value and ace? Are they just franchised to local fuck?
Speaker 2:true value, the true value in west ashley can suck my ass do you hear that? Because they give the the ace. Every ace I've been to uh, actually is that no, no. So the true value on james island fantastic people, super helpful, love them. The true value. In west ashley they charge you five percent on your uh or no. They won't let you buy anything under five dollars with a card, which annoys the shit out of me I'm like what you're a mega corporation what are you doing?
Speaker 2:they're like it's too much for us to no it's not, it's not, it's not. You guys are pieces of shit and you're offloading your inconvenience onto me and I don't appreciate it.
Speaker 1:You mean that four dollars. Once it hits five, then it's okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but because it's a dollar less well, it's the fee processing, because, you know, I don't, I don't care, you're making my life more difficult, I just need to buy these screws, but I so now, whenever I go I had to go in there today I cop a real attitude like some guy the guy to let them know how I feel. Well, there was one time where the lady like like I didn't know this policy. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because I go into this place with good faith and this fucking cunt Wow, no, I was. I got. I had like $3.50. It was like a bunch of fasteners. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I put it up there and she was like $3.56. I was like, okay, and I pulled my little business card out and she goes whoa, no, no, no, we can't, it's under $5. It's like when a woman overreacts and I was like she's like do you not see the sign? And there's a little like little smudge sign that says like we can't do anything over. Anything under $5 has to be cash. And I was like, no, I didn't see the sign. And she goes well, you can go get other stuff and bring it up to that. And I was like I'm leaving and I just left it there and now every time I go in there she hasn't been there.
Speaker 2:But some guy was like can I help you find anything? And I was like no, and he's like what are you looking for? And I was like stuff Stuff under $5. I actually had to buy one stainless steel screw and it was 50 cents and I had like a dollar and I gave it, you know. But yeah, and I didn't feel good about that, going in there with an attitude but also, can I help you with anything? No, and then you go well, what are you looking for? Whatever the fuck I want to, I could be looking for the Ark of the Covenant? Who?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's my business.
Speaker 2:Yeah. What are you looking for? Yeah, what do you want A connection here? What do you want A friend? I'm not your friend, guy, don't even look at me. Yeah, now come over here. I'm going to fucking fart. Yeah, smell my shit.
Speaker 1:My son used to get embarrassed because, like, we used to go to the grocery store and they'd be like, oh, today you saved 142 dollars. And I'm like, yeah, I only spent 300. Yeah, exactly, I say that every time and he got so embarrassed he's like dad, shut up. And you're like, shut the fuck up. Elijah, my, my old man, old fucking crazy daddo. Yeah, rip, rip he. He used to wear these, like he would wear these Waiters no, no, no Sweatpants that had like eight holes in them all around the dick Right, and he'd have this wallet and this wallet was the size of like a Big Mac sandwich.
Speaker 2:Very thick, yeah, very thick Seven years worth of tax receipts in the wallet.
Speaker 1:Couple of rubber bands around it, you know, and it would be like I need to buy something for a project yeah you know, and it's like 10 o'clock at walmart uh so it's a glue stick and a fucking poster board yeah and my dad. So they would total it and the guy you know. They'd be like oh, it's 22, 55, and my dad would stop and this is how long it would be.
Speaker 1:They'd be like sir, that's uh, 22, 55, and he'd be like oh, fuck, fuck, fuck I'm like dad, he's just and then, without looking, he would pull his card, yeah, and never recognizing the guy or anything. Just lift it out of his, you know?
Speaker 2:just give it to him looking a thousand yards in the opposite direction every single time.
Speaker 1:nice, every time he would do that. That's a good dad. It was so embarrassing. He was dramatic, he was very dramatic.
Speaker 2:I can see where you got your flair for the thespian arts.
Speaker 1:Oh my God.
Speaker 2:He acted every day. He let everybody know.
Speaker 1:Oh, and shoe shopping with my dad the worst. If I got shoe shopping with my mom, it was good. Yeah, I was getting a decent pair of shitty shoes. Everyone shopping with my dad because, like I, we I knew we were poor and I knew we couldn't afford nice shit.
Speaker 2:Yeah so, but I still wanted a 50 your dad would say that we're poor, we can't afford nice shit, yeah.
Speaker 1:So like I'd want a 50 pair of nikes, yeah, like the shitty kind on sale, yeah, and I'd get the same pair when my dad's there and he'd be like you're just getting those because they have that naki swoosh on them, yeah, and I'm like, well, yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.
Speaker 1:I'm fucking 14 you know, I like michael jordan yeah, michael jordan told, tells me to get a swoosh, and I do. I just want to do it. Yeah, I just want to do it. And he'd be like, what about these? And he'd like show me like avias, yeah, or some fucking patrick ewing's, some luke longleys, oh yeah, some shoes that don't exist, yeah, but what about these? And they'd be in like a bin tied together yeah like no, dad, I'm not wearing what. Oh, you're too good for these shoes, dad.
Speaker 1:They're different colors I want them to be the same no, you're too good for these shoes I'd like to think I am oh, I'd like to think that I make enough money to get shoes for my son, except that he wants these hundred dollar black jigaboo shoes. They're only fifty dollars, dad, I just please cause this I don't? It sucked, dude, it was bad. And then there was a time uh, this is just confession time you, you remember tecmo bowl?
Speaker 2:the video game yeah, with bo jackson, yeah, no but, I've heard about it, you've heard.
Speaker 1:Okay, so basically there's eight plays in the game. I was like two years old when it came out, true?
Speaker 1:thanks, you're welcome so there's the basic premise of the game football game. Of course there's eight plays. If I pick the right defense on one of the eight plays, it's automatically a sack. It's gonna be a loss of yards. Oh yeah, so we would play together and I reluctantly, because every time I could predict what my dad was gonna play. Yeah, like, I just mind fucked him and he'd be like so I'd sack him each time and it was a one out of eight chance. God damn it, dude. He would fucking get in my face and be like you're not a fucking mind reader, you need to fucking stop right now. Oh, you get pissed. Oh yeah, you don't know about the game of football, boy, I can't you know. You're cheating somehow. You're violent. So he would make me look away when he would do his plays and I would still do it that's so funny, still to this day if I played Madden with you yeah.
Speaker 1:I will look away from the tv when you're picking your play because, I was groomed to do that yeah it's not the. It's not the worst grooming, but it's not the worst, it's not the best.
Speaker 2:It's terrible grooming.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was interesting man it's weird. It's weird, when a dad dies, that you weren't very close to Well, close is not the right word. You didn't like, I didn't like him.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I remember when you called me about it and you were like yeah, my dad, what's up with you? You know, you just kind of breezed over it. Yeah, uh, how, yeah, what is that like?
Speaker 1:yeah, it's, it's weird. Yeah, and it's weird because, like everyone's, like, oh my god, your dad died that.
Speaker 2:Oh my god he died years ago, though it's. It seemed like we're, in a way, you know what, what our relationship died years and years ago.
Speaker 3:What a father represented to you that archetype died many years, many moons ago, he disappeared into the forest but yeah, it's, uh, it's different it is weird.
Speaker 2:Did it feel like a, like a weight was lifted, or did you feel like uh? A little bit, but did you also feel like it would have been nice to maybe like punch him in the face or something, or like let him know how I felt I kind of did a couple of years ago. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Kind of gave him the how I feel about you kind of thing.
Speaker 2:Like you make me feel bad, and I don't like you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but he was also. He had a lot of mental illness, yeah, which that made it even more complicated. Yeah, because there's a feeling of guilt, yeah, feeling of guilt, yeah, on my part, like, uh, maybe I shouldn't feel this way because you're kind of picking on.
Speaker 2:Uh, yeah, yeah, you're making fun of a deck of cards, but here's my thing with that.
Speaker 3:That's sort of here's my thing with that yeah break it down for me.
Speaker 1:There's certain people like if you're blind, yeah, and you're a dick bag, yeah, a lot of times you might be socially awkward because you grew up blind yeah and so you're a little different and there's a little weird socially awkwardness things about you yeah, like you keep hitting people in the foot with your cane well, that no but yes, that's awkward just like social awkwardness of being a little weird, yeah, you know.
Speaker 1:No, you could just be a dick. Yes, that's true. And just because you're blind doesn't mean like you're not a dick ah, so you're.
Speaker 2:What you're saying is is that he was a bitch. Just because somebody has legitimate problems, doesn't give them the right doesn't give them carte blanche.
Speaker 1:Yeah to to ruin your childhood that's, that's really.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it gives you carte blanche to be a dick to a true value employee. Absolutely, but not so. But not to the point where it's aggressive, it's just passive, like no don't yeah but I, you know, I totally I get what you're saying. Yeah, I think if I did like, if I if something, if I lost a leg or something like that, I would definitely be a bit more grumpy sure and I would, but I think that's something I would need to get over in time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so then I could be a happier person and then, in getting over that, I would probably be nicer to other people. Does that make sense? Yeah?
Speaker 1:yeah, and he did the opposite yeah, he will.
Speaker 2:He just went crazy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean he was going to jail a lot. Yeah, it's pretty cool. For what? Impersonating a cop one time? That's a good one. He was on like the side of the road and he thought he was a cop doing like the lord's work yeah, doing the lord's work, pulling the devil over um. One time he had like a jackhammer and he was like destroying all of her family pictures out in the in the driveway. Wow, the cops came and, is that? Illegal you know, actually probably not it doesn't feel illegal they just took them.
Speaker 1:Well, it's the horrible thing about mental health it wasn't his jackhammer no, I think it was, but um, it's pretty cool. The weird thing about mental health in in america, because of freedoms, like in the state of Tennessee, you can't get admitted by someone else, can't? 5150 you? Yeah, only a judge can admit you to the, to the, you know, to the mental health facility. I do declare this boy is crazy, yeah, so it's weird because, like, so you shit you shit in your hand and smear it on a subway all over a subway sandwich shop.
Speaker 1:Yeah, don't do it again. Yeah, it's well. It's dangerous because there's people that are very dangerous that are out there, oh yeah, especially on the streets Most of its mental illnesses. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Or you know what came first, the chicken or the egg. They're crazy. Maybe they weren't before, but now they have a lot of mental health issues, yeah, and and some of them are very dangerous and dangerous to themselves and others, and we don't do anything about it, like you can't have a gun and have like. When my dad was schizophrenic and, um, he had like some personality disorders as well, uh-huh, um was it always a parent? There was always something off, yeah the tecmo bowl thing was probably.
Speaker 2:Then it got really. He had some personality disorders as well.
Speaker 1:Was it always a parent?
Speaker 2:There was always something off about him. The Tecmo Bowl thing was probably. Then it got really bad after I grew up. It progressed, it got really bad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean he was still able to function. He was in the military. No one knew he had mental health issues.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just thought he was a piece of shit, this guy's weird, yeah, and then it just got really bad issue, yeah, and there was a part of him that was really good, though, like I don't want our listeners especially if my family listens to this yeah, like I don't want them to think like I hated the guy. I mean he did at times try like he was a coach for my little league. He was trying to do the right things. It reminds me always of like clark griswold, yeah, but more abusive, much darker and not as friendly.
Speaker 1:But there was, like he wanted the idea of the purchase, the picture perfect family. He wanted america. He really wanted.
Speaker 2:He did want that he wanted, he tried, he tried to get that and he failed brother. Getting america is hard being it is, it's even for a sane person. Yeah, it can drive you insane. Yeah, because it is a highly unnatural and totally abnormal thing in this world I mean that's why we all laugh at the national lampoon movies.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because that's all he wants to do. He just wants to take his kids on a vacation, he just wants to have a perfect christmas and these things get in the way and that's why we laugh, because we all can relate to that just so much lighter and funner than when that run relative gets really drunk and it makes us cry at christmas yeah, yeah, yeah. They're crying at christmas. That's a good one. Oh yeah, we did that.
Speaker 2:He did that a lot he did or he made, he did or he made you cry at Christmas.
Speaker 1:He made us cry. It was funny, jesus, his mom, he would. His mom sent us Christmas gifts and we opened them and this was like our first VC, yeah, the big handheld, the big handheld camcorder. And he recorded us opening them and recorder, and he recorded us opening them and like one of my sisters had like a half smile, yeah, and he's like, god damn it. Now we got to record it again cut and so he made my mom re-wrap the presence. She's crying and he's like what are you crying for?
Speaker 2:what the fuck?
Speaker 1:yeah, and action and she was like trying to pretend not to be crying. Yeah, and she likes whimper. She did her best and then whimpered at the next take. Yeah, he's like god damn it cut, dude. We had to do it like four times yeah, that's, it was weird.
Speaker 2:He's dark griswold. Yeah, he's not clark griswold, he's dark very, very racist, very homophobic.
Speaker 1:Yeah, whatever, I mean, it's the 80s and 90s you know, he was in america like it was funny too, because he thought he was very homophobic. But he thought uh uh, freddie mercury yeah and george michael were like the manliest dudes he's like if you're, liberace that guy can play a piano, why can't you be more like?
Speaker 3:liberace. That guy fucks women hard yeah, yeah, glittery cape yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he, he loved queen.
Speaker 3:God, george Michael is such a such a guys. I'd have a beer with George Michael.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that video of freedom with all the fucking Victoria's secret models and shit in it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was like yeah, God, I'm hook, line and sinker.
Speaker 1:Yeah, didn't got him hook, line and sinker. Yeah, didn't, didn't. I'm like did you not listen to any of his music before that freedom? You ever heard of the band called wham where he's just like oh, wake me up before you go go he fucks women.
Speaker 3:Wait, george michael. No, yeah, there's nothing gay about george michael. It was crazy If George Michael's gay, then I'm crazy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. You ever worry that you'll go crazy. First you'll tell me no, I wasn't related to him, he's my stepdad.
Speaker 2:Oh, fuck him.
Speaker 1:Well, no, he was there since I was like seven. Yeah, yeah, but as far as me, worried that I'm getting now that's good no, I. And my sister katrina, the one that you know, died yeah, I. She also suffered from the same mental illness as him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so half sister step sister she's my step sister but sister, yeah, yeah, yeah, out of that age, you know yeah, well, I mean yeah, I don't know how you view things because I I came from a relatively intact family yeah, I watched janet's like it's the zoo but my amazed. But my mom. It's interesting because, um, she was adopted, yeah, and then, like my daughter right now, has a great grandfather that's still alive and well and hold on you? Who does? My daughter. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So my daughter has a great grandfather, my mom's real dad real dad that's around communicate. They do. But we we met him once, like at a family thing, and that was it and I got really, really drunk.
Speaker 1:I was like 21.
Speaker 2:I didn't know, that's not the reason we don't. He's like don't bring that fucking. You know, ginger, it wasn't anything like that. But uh, I think her dad was her dad, like the guy who adopted her and raised her. She's like that's my dad, yeah, and I just came from that guy's balls.
Speaker 1:Well, even my step, my, my dad, that I'm talking about the whole night. That was my dad yeah he was my dad. He was around since I was seven. Yeah, yeah, that's, he was my dad.
Speaker 3:He was around since.
Speaker 1:I was seven. Yeah, yeah, that's interesting, it's like your mom was adopted. Was she adopted like, gradually, or she like?
Speaker 2:Catholic charities. No, she was in a Catholic charities as a baby, so I guess that's an orphanage.
Speaker 1:So they just pass you around to different foster homes?
Speaker 2:but she wasn't no, because she, they, her parents came in when she was months old and were like oh yeah, it was like one of those.
Speaker 1:Little cute white baby.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:They're going to get adopted quickly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and he was a World War II vet and she was a homemaker and they wanted kids, only kid no. So they kept getting pregnant. They had one kid. They had one kid. My mom has one brother yeah uh, who's like 17 years older or he's like significantly older than her yeah and then they got pregnant like 20 more times.
Speaker 2:Miscarriage, miscarriage, like just a ton of yeah yeah and they were like, well, we want more, so we'll adopt. And then it just worked out where, yeah, my mom's my mom's mom was just some floozy because back in the day, women, catholic women who were whores, would just fuck random guys and they'd be like, oh, you're protestant, I'm not gonna. We can't get married and then just go and have the baby, shit the baby out and then give it up for adoption and then go back out and drop it at the old fire department drinking and carousing, yeah, and then.
Speaker 2:So my mom has like a bunch of half siblings too from the same, so she found out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:She looked into it later on in life and then we met him and then she doesn't. She doesn't want that relationship. I, I don't, you know, I don't know, I don't really pry. Yeah, I'm like okay it would be cool.
Speaker 1:When did you find out that her dad was donald trump?
Speaker 2:um, well, it was after 2016. He called and he's like you're fabulous, you're great I fucked your mom.
Speaker 3:She was great.
Speaker 1:I fucked her from behind do you ever hear your parents have sex? No, you're lucky man. Or are you just saying no because you've just repressed?
Speaker 2:no, I haven't good for you yeah, I didn't seek it, but you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I there's. I don't know what you're trying to say, but all right you know, I think you're just lucky and should thank your lucky stars and not be like judgmental.
Speaker 2:I'm judgmental, that everyone else has heard their parents have sex. No, my wife has yeah, you know, like tell me more tell me exactly what's up what sounds were you hearing?
Speaker 1:yeah, no, it is the. It's the worst thing ever oh, I can only imagine I couldn't like, I'd never want to have. I'm sure one of our kids have heard us.
Speaker 3:Yeah, oh yeah, you guys fuck.
Speaker 2:We fuck dude yeah.
Speaker 1:No, but like that's, you do like. It was the worst. Thing. It was like Forrest. Gump, it was the worst. Yeah, I hated it. No, it was good. Oh God. And my parents? I think they would fuck, like on Sunday mornings, like before church and they would just stay in bed.
Speaker 3:The commodores come on dad would put on skinnered they just start fucking play a little dewey brothers lord I can't change change free bird.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, that would be pretty cool to just blast off at the guitar solo and free bird, I mean golly that's not a horrible idea.
Speaker 1:No, that sounds actually kind of what it's all about.
Speaker 2:I have to make it to that point. But yeah, no right, when you get there, just just fast forward 30 seconds before. Are you ready? Yeah, you got to listen to the 14 minute version but no, it's kind of nice because you can go slow and then all of a sudden, yeah, just yeah, like pound, yeah or even the drums.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I came once. Do you remember the um? I came once.
Speaker 2:I came once. Do you remember the I came once. I came once. It was pretty cool the sound. It was an old ringtone for a cell phone? No, it was. It was like a horn.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah. I came to that on her back, and then that sound played.
Speaker 1:And then did you guys have a good laugh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we laughed.
Speaker 1:I was like that was cool. So my dumb vape is interacting with the Bluetooth. This the microphone. You ready, Listen to this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a direct feed to China.
Speaker 1:Yeah, listen, ready.
Speaker 2:I don't like that. I don't like that either. You gotta stop those. Just start smoking cigarettes again no, I know, I know. No, I won't it's because it combines two of your favorite things, which are sweet treats and nicotine if only they had the. Doritos. If there was a diabetic dragon, that's what its breath would smell like.
Speaker 1:Listen all right, it's on my ears. I got to quit this. They make one. That's like all natural.
Speaker 3:Oh, is it? Blah, blah, blah, made with real cane sugar.
Speaker 1:There's no nicotine in it. There's nothing in it. It's more or less like spearmint that's inside it. Yeah, ymca steam bath.
Speaker 2:I think I'm gonna have to do that spearmint, yeah, the gentleman's mint, yeah, what I chew with the zin I gotta, yeah, I gotta stop I went to the doctor this week yeah, how'd that go? It was all right. You know I don't like going to the doctor. Yeah, I usually I'll freak out or I'll be totally fine yeah this time I was fine, but I've had that. I don't know if I've talked about this, but I was having an issue with my ball. Yeah, um, which is scary. Yeah, it's very scary.
Speaker 1:That's the thing that you don't skip the doctor like you make an appointment well, it's funny because you know they hang low.
Speaker 2:they're out in the open Sometimes. You know they get knocked I got a physical. Exactly, you get knocked, it's a hot day out, you sit on them in the forklift or something like that, yeah, and so it was sore and I was like well, this is strange. And I was like but it'll probably go away.
Speaker 2:So I waited, like Is it a sharp pain or like a feeling, and so I was uh, I was like, well, this is not good. And I got to the point where I was like, okay, this is not going away, it's sort of progressing at this point, yeah. And so I went to the doctor. You can't see a doctor in south carolina, they're outnumbered yeah, it's a four-month wait yeah, there's far.
Speaker 2:So I had to see, uh, the nurse practitioner. Nothing against nurse practitioners, but it was a lady. I want a man, no homo, but I want a guy who has balls. Yeah, honestly, I'd rather have a trans woman because I'd be like my balls hurt and they're like, oh yeah, I know about that. Like I need that identity, I need you to know.
Speaker 1:Just like a woman wants to see a female gynecologist and she was a little.
Speaker 2:The doctor's office is wild now because, um it's a wild west man well, no, not in a good way I know in like a more like. When I was like, can you? I had to offer. I was like, will you look at my like, will you look at it? And she was like, because she you could tell, like doctors are kind of hands off now, they're not like old school doctors, we're like all right, take your off.
Speaker 1:I guess I'll look if I have to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I was like, will you take a look? And she's like, okay, yeah. And I was like I'm not like coming on to you Like just I mean I don't want to be here, but my nuts hurt this candle up your ass and hop around. And I would do it because I, I don't know, I'm not a, I'm not a medical professional yeah so she didn't know what the fuck was going on.
Speaker 2:And then she was like we ran all these tests because she asked me. She was like, well, are you sleeping with anybody? Like, are you promiscuous? I was like I just I'm married, I just sleep with my wife, and she's like okay, yeah, they don't believe you, they never believe you. So I got tested for a bunch of stds, yeah, which was scary. Yeah, because I remember I was telling you about this and I and you were like they could be dormant. You were like, yeah, you could have a dormant std. I was like what?
Speaker 1:and you were like, yeah, did you google it and you're like fuck.
Speaker 2:I did google it because that would scary right, ultimately destroy my relationship absolutely.
Speaker 1:It's the scariest. Can you imagine? No, all of a sudden I have chlamydia. I've been the luckiest guy on the planet. I've never had an std, not even the ones you can cure. But lucky guy, I can't imagine being married now with three kids and then they're like oh, you have chlamydia you're like what they're like yeah I'm like no, I don't, but I haven't my wife yeah, no, apparently not, because no one will ever.
Speaker 2:But the only person who will believe you is the chlamydia yeah, the committee's like yeah, it was that girl took a pretty long nap. Rip van stankle down here, you know, just hanging out in your jeans, and so I waited a bit. I waited. You know you wait for the, the test and everything like that waited with unbated breath baited breath, masturbated breath, because when I'm anxious I jerk off, and then it came back negative.
Speaker 3:So you're like that's good but then you go well, what the fuck is this?
Speaker 2:yeah, so then they run an ultrasound, nothing there oh, do they put this cream on your?
Speaker 1:oh god, oh yeah, it was awkward. Uh, hot, hot, uh, because they're always no, it's like an older woman, they're always women.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that do sonograms yeah, and she was like well, it's good for you, the room's pretty warm today. And immediately my dick shrank. I was like shut up, did she say? That, yeah, she did.
Speaker 1:I was like why do we got to say that?
Speaker 2:yeah, what are you talking about?
Speaker 1:now I got to perform yeah, give me.
Speaker 2:Go leave the room for five minutes and don't look at what my phone is playing behind you.
Speaker 1:Have you had to ever give semen?
Speaker 2:To my wife.
Speaker 1:To a doctor. No, dude, you know what. They don't tell you what. So me and my, they use their mouth. No, they're like hey, okay, here's your sample container. I'm like like you know, at first, you, you know, you think you do it, you get to do it there. Yeah, I know you do it at home. I'm like oh, this is great sick, I can do it at home. I can have my wife help. This would be great. Yeah, they're like ah, your wife can't help. I even said that I was like oh, cool, I get to do it. I'm like what do you mean? They're like no, you can't do that because you cross contaminate the sample. Oh, and I'm like all right. And they're like and you can't use any lube. And I'm like what do you mean? Like any lube? They're like nothing. You can't use lotions, you can't use jellies, you can't use spit, you can't use anything.
Speaker 2:It's got to be dry yeah, you're not a grip and rip it guy. No, bro, oh, I am, are you? Yeah, jesus christ, dude, it's hilarious because in uh growing up like I would, you couldn't tell my room that I I jerked off.
Speaker 3:Yeah you did my laundry I'm sure you could.
Speaker 2:My brother had like a giant bottle of jerks and tissues right next to his bed.
Speaker 1:He wasn't trying to hide it he's like I don't give a shit my son had a big old bottle of shampoo and I and I, I was like the jerk-off fairy. Yeah, I went into his room and I switched it out for lotion yeah and never said anything. No one day he looked down and was like thanks, dad he's gonna graduate college and be like thanks, pop yeah, but so I had to do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I finally figured it out. You know, figured out the code. Yeah, get my sample, but then I'm in traffic and it has to be 30 minutes, yeah, to drop off the sample you're weaving it out of traffic because I was like I'm not dry, dogging that again, I'm not doing this again, okay, and I made it yeah, it was fine, safe and sound yeah, but why were you doing that?
Speaker 1:being the ex-wife she couldn't get. She couldn't uh, conceive she. Well, we tried to have another kid. Oh, she's trying to get happiness in her marriage, as you do, yeah marriage is failing, have another one exactly and uh, we try to figure it out. And then what's funny is, when we got a divorce, I reproduced with janet and then my ex-wife reproduced with her new husband it was nature.
Speaker 2:Yeah, nature was like no, no, we can't, we can't. Thank god, this ends terribly holy shit, dude.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we got divorced like a year later. That's good. Thank god, then your sperm like yay, my sperm was so excited, found janet and got up in there yeah, but anyway, so I went, so finally yeah, what are they saying?
Speaker 2:none of this has been resolved and the pain kind of pull them out right now.
Speaker 1:Let me see what you got, let me, let me fix them.
Speaker 2:Pain has kind of gone away, kind of yes, is it mental now no, well, I don't know.
Speaker 2:You know I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. So I go to the doctor, doctor, my doctor. So go to the dentist, so like what's going on with my balls? He's like I was like maybe there's a tooth coming in. You know, um, touch it. And I talked to him and I'm like what's going? I and I was like, dude, I don't know what this is. I was like do I have a hernia? He goes oh yeah, I'll check if you're a hernia. And he, I thought it was just like they cup your balls oh no, they kind of finger your ball and I was like whoa, and he's like, hey, yeah, no, you're, it's all right, sorry about that, cough.
Speaker 2:And you're like I was like, yeah, um, and then he's like all right, I'm gonna put my finger up your ass have you got that?
Speaker 1:I have gotten that. That's intense. It is intense. Dude, this little china man, yeah, very small asian dude, very small, yeah, and in my mind I was like, oh, it's kind of funny small asian guy at least it won't hurt. Then he pulls out giant black hands dude, he, I swear to god, he went to places I didn't know. I didn't know it went that far in I. I worked 40 years in coal mine before I became a doctor.
Speaker 3:His hands are very thick.
Speaker 1:He had huge hands, dude.
Speaker 2:Oh, excuse me big hand.
Speaker 1:Go down the tiny tunnel. Big hand's chin, that's what his name was.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was my name in medical school.
Speaker 3:Big hand's chin yeah.
Speaker 2:But anyway, he uh, yeah, I didn't like because, yeah, we'll go back to that, because I want to wrap up the ball thing yeah so I go well, what's he's?
Speaker 2:like, you don't have a hernia. And I was like, well, what is this? I have no idea. Like this is kind of it's, it's better now, but like I don't know what this is it's concerning, and he goes it's epididymitis. I go what is epididymitis? And he goes well, essentially, women get urinary tract infections and stuff like that, and men do too, but it happens in their balls, yeah. And I go what? Why does it happen?
Speaker 2:he goes well, if you're under 35, we think it's an std, that's where they go to first, yeah because you're a piece of shit and after 35 we're like, after 35 we treat it as it's just an infection. That happens as you get older because bacterial infection your body is literally covered in bacteria. I literally said this at one point. I was like I'm not like doing anal with my wife, like so I don't think like shit got and he's like that's not how that happens, and I was like okay well, good to know, um, and then he goes, so it just happens and we don't know why it happens.
Speaker 2:And I was like so you're telling me, I have old man balls and he goes, yeah, and they just came a year early, he goes. I don't know why it happens.
Speaker 1:It just happens, don't worry about it. It is what it is. We can treat it. Do they give you like a um, like a anti? Give me some antibiotics yeah, okay, good, yeah, look at that but it's scary very scary dude.
Speaker 2:That's your dick dude I, I, I thought it was ball cancer, but I remember somebody telling me because we know a guy who had I knew a guy that died.
Speaker 1:He's on my leg damn um he woke up one day and then I just look at your legs, his balls. He look at him. No, my, my poor buddy. Uh, he was one of my airmen, damn uh. He woke up one day and his nut was the size of a grapefruit so it never hurt no that's the thing they say yeah, and then, uh, he went to the doctor and you know they took it and it spread too much recovered and yeah, and he spread too much damn and he, he was fine for like two, three years and they're like I came back and then it like got up into the rest of his organs.
Speaker 1:It's like, jesus christ, he was only 24. Fuck yeah, that sucks. 24 it's too young. He did the. This is borderline kind of gross. This is really funny. When I got a divorce, yeah. He was around and uh, you know, pick me up. We we went to this biker bar in Somerville, nice, and got ripped and like we the whole room, like just fucking hanging out with us, whatever. And I was banging the bartender sick and uh, he was trying to get the bartender's roommate, nice.
Speaker 1:So we went back to their house and they got there before me and the girl did me and the bartender yeah so me and the bartender get back to the house, to this girl's house yeah and he's on the couch with the girl and I was like, oh hell, yeah, you know he's doing the lord's work yeah and I look over and he's just in his boxers and he, he has his dick tucked out and he's jerking off cool, and she's just sitting next to him and I'm like you, okay, dude. He's like well, this dick's not fucking itself and he just was jerking off in front of her nice.
Speaker 2:What was she doing? Like watching. She was just kind of hanging out, right yeah kind of.
Speaker 1:I think she might even been on her phone, yeah, and I was like this is really weird and I never talked about it with him because I didn't want to know yeah, you regret it. No, you're like nah, I'm glad we buried that, yeah it was I had to deal was a different time, but it was just funny when he goes this dick's not fucking itself.
Speaker 2:That game fucking itself.
Speaker 1:That's like Jesus he's a good dude man.
Speaker 2:What were we talking about? Before the ball thing, there was something that happened in the Finger in your ass Middle of the Finger in the ass.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I don't like the finger in the Finger in your ass. Middle of the. Finger in the ass. Yeah, I don't like the finger in the ass. Last time I got a finger in my ass was 25. I went and saw my parents' doctor because I was in between you stop seeing your pediatrician at some point. I saw my pediatrician far too long. I just never got a new doctor, so I went to. I was in college and I had a herpes scare, so I went to my pediatrician.
Speaker 2:I'm like 19. I'm like sitting in the waiting room and there's like kids, like you know, and I'm like I don't, I can't be here anymore. And then I went and saw the doctor. I was like I think I have herpes and she was like all right, we'll run a test. And I was like I don't think I should come here anymore. And she's like, so for a while I didn't. And then I went to my parents' doctor and she was like I want to examine your prostate. I was like you don't need to do that. She's like she's very Indian, she's like it's never too early to detect, you know. And so and I had taken a big shit like as I got to the doctor's office so you didn't have to clean your ear. I knew it wasn't clean. It was one of those wipes where you're just like I give up, I'll deal with this in the shower later.
Speaker 2:And then she yeah, so you had mud but, she had my thing and she's like relax, and how do?
Speaker 1:you relax to it yeah, I know, but I'm like it was like new delhi all over again when she put her fingers in there, brought her back to, brought her back to her land.
Speaker 2:Country road to take me home to the place.
Speaker 1:That smells like shit.
Speaker 2:New Delhi in my belly.
Speaker 3:Garlic naan.
Speaker 1:So then, what happened?
Speaker 2:It was intense. It's brutal it was intense. Yeah. I was like whoa, it doesn't feel good, I don't. It's like a giant shit that is getting put back in your body. I don't want it no, no, I.
Speaker 1:I can see why women don't want to have anal oh yeah yeah, I think the open mic is over. Yeah, it sounds loud that was fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm glad I'm glad I'm coming back and trying new stuff and getting back on the horse. Back on the horse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that makes me happy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I liked what you. It's always fun when you can come to a place and ask a couple on their first date if he's going to ram it up her butt, and they laugh. They're like that's actually nice. I think honestly, it's not a bad place to take a first date, because you kind of open up these things for conversations that was kind of wild. These comics are fun. So what do you like? Stuff up your butt, you know. Do you like I?
Speaker 1:don't know like penises, like fleshy penises, fish fists fish, do you like?
Speaker 2:fish in your ass like a goldfish carp no judgment zone big tuna nickname my peanut big tuna big tuna, big tuna, because you can catch it in your ace yeah, just make sure to return it to the waters yeah, I just, it was fun.
Speaker 1:I like that yeah I've learned that I can say things on stage that I can't say off stage well, yeah, that's the whole point no, but I mean what I'm saying. Thing like the columbine kids yeah and they look like they were. You know, I thought it was two men, but one was a girl. So, then they were holding each other. Yeah. And I was like, oh, and I made a comment.
Speaker 2:Probably doesn't bother him, but she'll probably look at herself and look up what they look like and be like, oh fuck.
Speaker 1:They did look like Columbine kids.
Speaker 2:They were skinny whites. So yeah, they definitely had that look about them.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:The skinny whites. You got to watch out for Any particularly pale, skinny white. I see these days I don't trust, don't trust them.
Speaker 1:And if they have a backpack. Don't trust them domestic. That's the worst part about open mics is that one out of 10 of them are probably capable oh yeah, if not more, because you want the attention yeah. So like they're, I'm sure, like if you found any shoot mass shooter over the age of 18, I would say probably half of them have done stand-up comedy, probably once or twice in their yeah, it's probably one that's been on.
Speaker 2:Kill tony, yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's. It's totally an attention thing that's been an issue the shootings no, so you remember kylie vincent?
Speaker 1:yeah, so she was sexually assaulted by uh hans kim jesus christ yeah, and here I am throwing it out on a podcast, and so it irked me one day. Yeah, because they're doing a show this is alleged allegedly I I know nothing. This is just from things that people have said to me.
Speaker 2:This is what I've heard, and now I will put it out in a recording on the internet.
Speaker 1:So on Instagram I just said hey, don't go to this fucking Coliseum show of the best of kill Tony. Come and see comedy at my club and use discount code. Fuck Hans Kim for a discount. Yeah. And, uh, a lot of people reached out to me after I did that. I did that on behalf of what's end, yeah. And a lot of people reached out and was like hell yeah, dude, Hans Kim did X, Y and Z to me, Fuck him. Whoa, really.
Speaker 1:Wow, holy shit. You know I did it cause, you know, allegedly, I told this to a famous comedian that was here and he's like, oh, yeah, he's like that checks out. He's like all of them are whoa. And I was like, really allegedly, jesus. He's like, yeah, allegedly we're treading in, uh, no one's I'm just saying it sucks, but it felt good to get that out there, like it felt like I helped her out because and promoted the club, so it was a twofer no, but like if you have been assaulted, it's good that people uh believe you and will stick up for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that has to feel and that's what I hope that she felt, especially if it's true, exactly because it could not be, and that's none of my business, yeah, but you know what? She's my friend, I trust her, I believe her and I'll stick up for her yes, believe the women who you believe.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's it. She's a good comic too, she's yeah she's no, she's great, she's awesome. Yeah. But there used to be a fish place called the Salt and Battered.
Speaker 1:That's a great place. It closed down, but the fried fish was very good. You know, we have two shows called Good Sets and Casual Sets. Yeah, and I wanted to call one. What's that called when you have, oh, consensual Sets?
Speaker 2:Nice.
Speaker 1:I think that would have been. Janet was like no that's not funny.
Speaker 2:Don't listen to your wife. I was like consensual sets is really funny. Should I tell that bit? The one bit about the lib oh yeah, about my liberal wife no, I wasn't even gonna say that, no no but can we talk about it? Yeah, because it's a. It's a funny. Yeah, so back in back in the back in the covet times, I believe this was when this occurred.
Speaker 2:This was during blm this was yes um when everyone in the country was talking about things victoria's secret came out and said we're all about inclusivity and we're going to promote this model. And she has, uh, down syndrome. Yeah, and she has a very uh, you got an attractive body. You know she has a nice. She's got a nice body. Yes, it's very.
Speaker 1:She has a from the neck down. She has a very stereotypical uh body, body for a sexy body.
Speaker 2:She's got a sexy, sexy body yeah and then a down syndrome, face and brain. Yeah, nothing wrong with that. No, as david tell said, those tits aren't retarded.
Speaker 1:His words, not mine but you just, it was just a quote.
Speaker 2:And so I was over at your house one day, yeah, with your lovely family and your lovely wife, and I was talking about this and I said, yeah, I just don't on. I don't know if that's good, because it feels like it doesn't feel right it just feels like you're kind of like they're being exploited. You're sexualizing somebody with disabilities and it's not like I was so a company could pat themselves on the back.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I, and I wasn't raised to do that, but I don't know if that's the, if that's you don't know how to feel.
Speaker 2:You're conflicted it's the wrong thing. Yeah, and your wife goes well, why do you have a problem with that? I was like, well, I just don't. I don't know if it's a good, because it feels like somebody's getting taken advantage of. I don't think that. Maybe she's that should be happening. And she's like, well, do you have a? If you have a problem with that, do you have a problem with? You know, black people being victoria's secret models? And I was like what? And you and I looked at one. We just started dying. I, I was like that's.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the most ridiculous thing I was like you just classified.
Speaker 2:I was like do they have Down syndrome? No, I just wouldn't have a problem.
Speaker 1:Black people in Down syndrome as if they're in the same classification.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they're not. What I think she was trying to do was minorities.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Which is retarded and misguided, because that's not the what I was saying at all. Yeah. It had to do with people with intellectual disabilities.
Speaker 1:It was a fun, it was a funny or you had to be there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I I don't know if that's gonna, if that will translate on stage at all, but it's one of the things where it's like the, the thing where somebody is trying to do so much good that it's bad.
Speaker 1:Yeah somebody's trying to do so much good that it's bad. Yeah, they don't see the like.
Speaker 2:You don't see the hypocrisy, the glaring like misclassification of what I'm really getting at. Yeah, although I will say this, and it's not, it's like the worst google I've ever had. But when you were talking about your uncle, roger, yeah, and I when you were doing your bit, and how they got married and fucked and all that stuff. Yeah, I looked up are retarded people allowed to do porn?
Speaker 1:are they allowed to? Yes?
Speaker 2:like is it? Is it, is it legal?
Speaker 1:if I was a betting man, I would say yes you are correct.
Speaker 2:Reddit said yes, it's rare, but yes, yeah, that, yeah, that's fascinating, yeah.
Speaker 3:Who's that made for?
Speaker 2:Them or you know, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, they're people and they should be allowed to do what they want.
Speaker 2:A hundred percent.
Speaker 1:But I guess what you're saying is one who are the people that want to watch that? And maybe they're very, their eyes are open, man, and they just don't see issues. It's like nothing wrong with a brother. That's a.
Speaker 2:That's a extreme kink, but it's, it's very interesting, but it's like the whole thing. Remember when everybody people got really upset about bum fights yeah, they were like you're just exploiting these people porn is the ultimate exploitation and then you go well, but I don't. Yeah, I don't think it's like brazzers present, I don't think it's, I think it's probably something darker, yeah, yeah you know, I, and now that's on my search history yeah, you got to live with that now, dan.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I explain that one away. I just did no, I mean one day when the judgment yeah, they go.
Speaker 2:Why is that and I go? Well, I wanted to know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my friend was saying this joke and I just wanted to know he was talking about his uncle, Roger, and they're like oh, you mean Roger Hardcock. And then he's up there like hey, what's up?
Speaker 3:How's it going.
Speaker 2:At the AVN Awards. I thought that was interesting it I thought that was interesting, it is interesting and that's the worst thing I've Googled Really Probably. Yeah, I've. Googled some bad things I'm sure, that's pretty bad.
Speaker 1:I wish I could find a list Like Google would give me a list of the most questionable things I've ever said, that I've ever searched for. Yeah. Because I'm always on incognito. How do?
Speaker 3:I know if I'm big enough.
Speaker 2:How do I know?
Speaker 1:if I'm big enough and are retarded people allowed to do porn. Those are do black guys really have gigantic cocks and.
Speaker 3:But before I even hit the search, yeah just says yes yes yeah, you pathetic white bitch, yeah I like this.
Speaker 2:You're letting it breathe and let it breathe. You're doing good, dude, anything. We're on a show this weekend, but this is it already.
Speaker 1:Don't tell oh, you just did she. God damn it, dude, that's on sunday, it's gonna be, it's gonna be Sunday. Yeah, it should be fun. You're closing the night out.
Speaker 2:I'm excited, I'm going to try and get out of that. There's far better comedians than this.
Speaker 1:Don't do it. I'm not going to move my spot. I'll make you. I'm going to be like no dude. Let Dan do it.
Speaker 3:I'll be like no, Josh has a special. He's very good.
Speaker 1:That was a horrible special.
Speaker 2:When are you going on?
Speaker 1:tour June.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, doing Fallujah.
Speaker 1:Fallujah, syria, libya.
Speaker 2:Raleigh. Raleigh A bit of a jump.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and Raleigh You're doing that in June. June, yeah, june 21st. So we're going to do it at the club here and then we're going to go do that, and then we're going to go stop in Savannah and then I think we're doing Asheville, nice. Hopefully. The goal is the helium guys see us and they're like, yeah, and they just put us on the helium tour, oh, nice, because they've got like seven clubs and what they do is they'll take a comedian and have them go to all seven of them in a year oh beautiful, and that's the ticket and would it be you two, or could you bring a?
Speaker 1:I think the idea is to break it like the goal is for us both get up there and get seen, and then gonna be seen, yeah, and then just whatever comes from that. Yeah, I don't think we're not trying to be like a two-man band yeah, I love coattails no, and derrick's great, yeah, and I think our energy is so opposite yeah it's awesome like I'll go up there a little more high energy than him, and then he just brings it down, yeah, in a good way in a good way and it'll be fun, um, but yeah, that's gonna be.
Speaker 1:That's exciting. Don't tell us exciting this weekend.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's fun yeah, I've never done it. Look at that. Listen to this she did that.
Speaker 2:That's not right. That's sending a direct link to beijing right now. Do you know what he just said? He said he googled her. Oh, stop it. I don't like that at all. I don't like it either. That sounds like AI fornicating.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what it is Fornicating computers. Oh dude, have you ever used Twitter at all anymore? X, no, never. The AI is fun, is it? Oh yeah, why you can just have it say crazy shit, because it doesn't have a lot of filters. Uh, the gronk one it's called gronk and, uh, it's trying to be more of the first amendment ai the racist ai yeah, so you can have it, do crazy shit that's cool it.
Speaker 2:I think it'd be good to have like a really like button down ai yeah and then a super racist ai, because those are, because those are the opposite ends of the freedom thing. Because, you should be allowed to say racist things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it does. Let's hear it, let's see, let's see if it'll tell me a racist joke.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, let's see what it's got. Let's see X.
Speaker 2:Do you hear the joke about the Irish guy who tried to blow up a car?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:He burnt his mouth on the exhaust pipe.
Speaker 3:Hey boy.
Speaker 2:My father O'Malley's nuts. That's funny.
Speaker 1:What's long, white and smelly, what the unemployment line? I just changed the race. All right, hold on. This is way more complicated because we have to hold these microphones now because they're poor.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you want me to hold it for you.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, I got it. I got it. Tell me a racist joke, and if you're not able to tell me a racist joke, tell me one without telling me one.
Speaker 2:Is that a prompt, you just gave it, or is that?
Speaker 1:what it just told you to do. No, let's see.
Speaker 2:No hold on Long white and smelly, the unemployment line.
Speaker 1:that's funny no, it won't what's slimy?
Speaker 2:what's the difference between a snake and a white person? One is a slimy, evil, treacherous creature of Satan and the other is a snake. Eee, you like my anti-white humor. How do you starve a white person? How.
Speaker 1:Put his food stamps under his work boots. Nice, yeah, yeah. My favorite of all racist jokes. Yeah, I'm gonna say a racist joke on this on this podcast. Can I do that? You didn't come up with it.
Speaker 2:I didn't come up with it you're just saying something that you've heard throughout your life so the joke goes uh, what does, uh, what's?
Speaker 1:What's the difference between a Pizza Hut pizza and a black man, a young black man? Yeah. And the answer to that joke was One can feed a family of four. Yeah, and so I heard that joke. Yeah, and the same time I heard that joke, bill Davis was in the room and he must have heard that joke before. Yeah. Because I laughed, I thought it was. It's a funny joke structure joke, uh structure because yeah it's horribly racist and that's not funny that is.
Speaker 2:That's the point of the thing. Joke is funny, yeah the, the whatever saying wrong things and not meaning them. That's just an exercise in ridiculous humor.
Speaker 1:Yeah so bill goes when he's, when the line is what was the joke? Again, what's the difference between uh, oh, a pizza, hot pizza, and a young black man? Yeah, and he goes. I won't shoot my daughter if she brings home a pizza. That's fucking racist, yeah, but it's funny. It is because he's racist.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm not that's the point. No, this is just to be that racism is so retarded yeah it's funny, it was. That's the point of it.
Speaker 1:That's the point of a racism racist jokes in the wrong hands is not good Because you don't want to hurt people's feelings. That's not the intention. No, there's a commonality. That's American humor is based off of a lot of race. Some of the best comedians in America are black.
Speaker 2:Black people started different stand-up comedy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. What's her name? The woman that? Mom's a mabley yeah, yeah, she's kind of like the grandfather of stand-up grandmother yeah I get it well, she was a mom, yeah, but um, she's a woman.
Speaker 3:But bill davis said that it's funny yeah, it's pretty good.
Speaker 2:It's pretty good. I like how you uh, like I didn't say I it. I'm just telling you what they said.
Speaker 1:Those racist assholes said that's my China beep.
Speaker 2:I had a friend who asked me because I have a daughter? Because I have a daughter?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And he asked me this question because he's got a son. Yeah, and he's like so, would you be upset if your daughter dated a black guy? Yeah, and I was like so, would you be upset if your daughter dated a black guy? And I was like no.
Speaker 2:He's like well, if you had to choose and you can be as racist as you want, jesus, jewish guy, it's just two. It's a white guy and a Jewish guy walking through the woods and he goes an Asian guy, a white guy or no, an Asian guy, a Hispanic guy or a black guy, like which one do you want to date your daughter? And legitimately. I was like I don't care.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:As long as they're not Indian. That's funny.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because I don't care who she dates, as long as they're decent people, sure, but just to exclude a group of people? For no reason other than because is ridiculous.
Speaker 1:It's the humor as old as time.
Speaker 2:Now you didn't laugh, and that's okay. Him and I had a nice little chuckle in the woods as we were walking our babies through the woods.
Speaker 2:But the whole point is, race is such a weird thing because you see it and then there's culture associated with it, how each one is a little bit different than the other and how each one is a little bit different than the other and how each one acts a little bit, and that's fun. But it doesn't make anything better or worse than it's just how the world is. But throughout history there has been a little bit of uh, there's been tumultuous relationships between the two. Sure, it's been the same with the whites. No, world war two was just a big white on white clusterfuck no, I think comedy.
Speaker 1:There was a time in our country that we got it wrong japanese too we got it wrong with the cancer culture cancer culture.
Speaker 1:No, you know, like chapelle said at one time, when he quit the show, when he quit the chapelle show, he was doing the scene where he was on an airplane, yeah, and he had the good conscious and the bad conscious, but it was. It was a very stereotypical black guy on one side and like a very, uh, white quote-unquote white black guy. And so when he was asked, you know, would you like the fried chicken or the fish from the stewardess? Yeah, he had to go back and forth yeah and debate it.
Speaker 1:And the very stereotypical black one was like mm-mm.
Speaker 2:Fried chicken, blah blah blah, I think I've seen it. Yeah, you have seen it.
Speaker 1:One of the guys off camera was laughing hysterically and everyone was laughing but he was like the way he was laughing really turned me off and it made him contemplate stuff and go to Africa and try to figure things out that racist piece of shit, white guy yeah, he ruined everything for us.
Speaker 1:You ruin the chapelle show, but I think that's what it is. I think if you just like any joke, when you're talking about abortion, you're talking about anything that's hard to talk about. You have to be a good comedian. Learn the ropes before you try to tackle big issues. Yeah, and even race is not something that you jump into your first year of comedy well, the thing that's a careful thing, but the thing that's fucked up is.
Speaker 2:Everybody who's doing this thing is just playing with ideas.
Speaker 2:They're not real people, they're ideas of things yeah so when you do that, you're you yourself are playing with ideas, but the people who are listening to it all associate that with real people and real events and real things. But you're just playing with the notion of a thing, yeah. So it doesn't mean anything to you. It means nothing. No, I remember my brother-in-law. I said something like fucked up about my wife in front of him and he was like it wasn't even that bad. I was just like, oh, I love sucking on her toes or something. He was like that's fucked up dude. He's like don't fucking say that it's my little sister. He's like how would I like it, how would you like it if I said something about your little sister? I was like my little sister's a dumb, fucking whore. She gets horror, she gets fucked in the ass by five guys every night.
Speaker 1:What? What do you do? I don't care, they're just work. It's just yeah, it's just a. It's not real. Yeah, I'm just saying it's, it's, it's, there's a nuance, a ridiculous thing, but because of people like him, it ruins it.
Speaker 2:A little bit. Well, no, it's the personal and it I do it sometimes where you just get personal about something.
Speaker 1:But but there's also too, I think, a lot of it has to do with the digital world, like when you're in a comedy club and it's dark and the only time you.
Speaker 2:That's real life.
Speaker 1:And then it's gone.
Speaker 2:The thing disappears and you're like that's just a moment, it's not real.
Speaker 1:And then now, when you have things on social media and you recorded it, it's a whole different beast.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, the whole point of a joke in a comedy club.
Speaker 1:Is in the moment.
Speaker 2:Well, it's also just to make the people in the room laugh. That's it. It's never to.
Speaker 1:And to think sometimes.
Speaker 2:Sure, yeah, if you're that.
Speaker 1:If you're that type, well, I mean, like Louis CK made you think, he made you.
Speaker 2:Well, we're all thinking and then just reacting really quickly to the thing, to the, to it. But at the, you're right, at the end of the day, it's just for the laughs, yeah, and I and everything will get misconstrued. It's the. It's. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Yeah, and it happens all the time when you say fucked up, shit and that's okay. Yeah, what it boils down to is action.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So when Dan and I go on stage and we say, oh, look at my dick, oh, blah, blah, blah, what we're really trying to do is a commentary On the political system of the 1970s.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and capitalism and how it's hurting us. But, helping us at the same time.
Speaker 1:Dan, let's finish this goddamn podcast. It's an hour and ten minutes. What do you got to say? What do you got to say for yourself?
Speaker 2:God is a good God. Bless America.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you guys keep it real out there, keep it strong.
Speaker 2:Yeah, find purpose in life. Be kind to your neighbor. We're all in this together. Love one another.
Speaker 1:Pick a number. One to eight, nine, no, no. One to eight eight all right, we're gonna close out with the eighth button. It doesn't make any sense, but I like that more.
Speaker 2:All right, yeah, well then, like this.
Speaker 1:This is this feels good, don't this feel good dan always feels good man, just keep driving. If you're listening to this podcast right now and you just finish that and you're like, man, that was a good episode, just keep the drive going mash the accelerator, close eyes and let what will be be. Let Jesus take the wheel. God bless, thank you Bye.
