Speaker 1: 0:03

that was good. Yeah, yeah, oh, oh, uh-huh, they get it, they get the idea. That's the music. You know, I'll just keep it there for a little bit. So good, slow, so slow, fade out, so sultry. Hey, welcome to low country low lives. Yeah, this is, uh, josh bates. Oh, listen to that. And here it is. Oh, yeah, it's that little clap. Yeah, that does it for me. They know what they're doing sex bruise. They got the music. Listen to them. It's got the gift of the gods.

Speaker 1: 0:39

Yeah, we didn't just find that music. No, it was given to us. Yeah, that was inspired by us, mm-hmm, by our vibe. Yeah, we vibin'. Hey, so guess what? Low Country Low Lives Josh Bates, dan Sweeney hey, so we have been in this fucking studio for the last hour and a half.

Speaker 1: 0:57

We did a podcast, uh-huh, and it sucked. Yeah, it wasn't good. Well, no, it was fine, but we weren't giving each other anything. No, we're both very low energy right now. We are so tired Because we're fathers. So Dan has been a father and he's been really good and he's been working early mornings and he kept telling me like he couldn't stay up, couldn't do comedy, couldn't do this, and that I gave him a hard time. You mocked me, you made me feel less than yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:27

And then I'm with my daughter this week for spring break, which is me and her. I'm fucking beat. Dude, yeah, I'm so tired. Tell me more. No, tell me more. Baby boy, tell me more. That's it. It sucks, it's just hard. It's hard to be on all the time. Daddy's tired.

Speaker 1: 1:48

Yeah, when you have a two-year-old, they don't stop, they don't care, they don't care that you need anything. They are the most selfish at that age selfish, lazy, entitled, and they deserve it honestly, patient. But the thing is, because they didn't ask. It's not like you got a knock on your nutsack and they're like, hey, can we, can we be born? Can you send us off into the promised land? Now, I don't know what your sperm does, but mine does that all the time. Well, it knocks.

Speaker 1: 2:12

But it doesn't has to be a person, it just has to be released. The did you know, it's true, where the release is is kind of it, doesn't? It could be, uh, yeah, tits, a vagina or vagina, or, yeah, a toilet bowl. Who knows where it is? You know Anybody's guess at any point. But yeah, no, it could be a hole in the wall. Am I right? Sperm's alive. Dude, isn't that crazy.

Speaker 1: 2:35

Oh yeah, that doesn't even make sense. No, it just looks like glue. But how is it alive? I don't know? How is it breathing? Like it needs air to live. Like, how is it? No, I don't think it needs air to live. I mean it's alive. I think it dies in the air. But it's alive because it just stayed. No, because it stays in one little pressure cooker and then it goes to a bigger, warmer, slipperier oven.

Speaker 1: 2:59

It doesn't make sense, dan, let's be honest. But it does make sense, you know, it does make sense in a lot of ways, because where else are you gonna put it? I know, but it does make sense, you know, it does make sense in a lot of ways, because where else are you gonna put it? I know, but it's weird that, like I'm able to make well, you can put it anywhere you want, but I can make a living thing inside my balls and then it shoots out and then tries to fertilize an egg. But that's the only way it lives, if it continues to live, if it goes to the egg. Yeah, because most, most of the sperm is just a disaster. It's just a horrible. It's like comedy, it's a horrible death. It's like stand-up comedy it is. It's just one big load of gross sperm. It's storming the beaches and there's one or two that get through. That's it, and the rest is just. It was embarrassing. You wish you could take it back. You wish you did. Yeah, it's horrible. How could I do that? You know? Yeah, sperm is. It's fascinating. It makes life and it can destroy lives. It can Well.

Speaker 1: 3:59

And then they learn that the sperm have different jobs. They're not all just looking for the egg. Oh, learned that the sperm have different jobs. They're not all just looking for the egg. Oh, like one's got a hard hat and a hammer and the other one's got a briefcase. There is their warrior sperm. Oh, that will. They're there to defend your semen. That's going for the egg. Oh, like the one true semen. That's meant to be. No. So if another, if they have another partner, yeah, that sperm will fight off. They will battle the other sperm. Another partner yeah, if you're, if your old lady fucks another guy oh, you're talking about old tribal warfare. Yeah, your sperm will fight the other sperm. Yeah, that's wild, like it's grand central station and there's a bunch of things going on. There's a bunch going on. It's not just, yeah, everybody hurry to the front of the bus. Oh, interesting, yeah, they have different jobs. You got like Secret Service sperm, yeah, that essentially protect the president's sperm. They take the bullet dude Interesting, they're the Brady I think that was his name, john Brady, the guy that took Reagan's shot.

Speaker 1: 4:58

Yeah, yeah, the Brady bill. So, yeah, it was something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was the Brady Bill. Yeah, he was the Secret Service agent that was paralyzed. I think he was a pretty articulate guy. No, was it the Secret Service guy? I thought there was somebody. Was it a senator? Yeah, I think it was a senator, because I don't think they would do anything for a Secret Service guy who got shot. Yeah, because it's the whole. But I think brady was like a, he was like an articulate senator. And then you kind of talk like that after getting shot and they were like, yeah, we should definitely definitely do this.

Speaker 1: 5:30

Wild is that softball game? Remember that a couple years ago, huh, the senators were having like a softball game, a congressman, uh-huh. And then like there was like a shooting. No, I don't remember this. Yeah, they were all like getting low and taking cover and a couple of them got shot. Really, yeah, I don't remember this. Yeah, they were all like getting low and taking cover. Yeah, a couple of them got shot. Really, yeah, I don't remember this at all. Yeah, how did I miss this crucial piece of history? Yeah, yeah, they were. It was like a pickup baseball league, the congressman yeah, and like my fifth grade birthday party, there's like a yeah. And then, like some right-wing nut started popping off shots. Wow, yeah, that's it.

Speaker 1: 6:07

That's what we wanted to tell you today on Low Country, low Lives, sperm and shootings, sperms and shootings it's kind of the same thing. Yeah, what year did that happen? Less than 15 years ago, 10 years ago, maybe, my memory is. 10 years ago, you weren't really watching the news. No, I was doing drugs. You were making the news. Bud, I was doing drugs. Actually, around 10 years ago, it was right at the tail end of the drug, so I was not watching the news. How long was your bender, how long was your drug fiasco for? I don't know, it was probably like six-year. Yeah, so dope, it was a good, good time.

Speaker 1: 6:44

There's a lot of freedom. I've told this. I've told you one of the things I used to do, like in the summer, like when I was working in the city and then I'd come back in the weekends. I would like take xanax and then go drink a tall boy and then go to the batting cages and go to the fastest one and just whiff until I finally connected with one. I'd be like I still got it. That sounds like something. What's his name? The guy with the long fear and loathing in Las Vegas, hunter S Thompson. That sounds like something he would do. Cool, because I wanted to be Hunter S Thompson but I didn't write. I still don't write and I'm not smart.

Speaker 1: 7:25

When's the last time you wrote a joke? Cause I haven't. I haven't wrote a joke and I wrote something in my news or my little notebook. The other day I said when you change a little, when you change a baby girl's diaper, you feel like God was joking with this design plan. Uh, that's the. That was God was joking with this design plan. Uh-huh, that was it. There it is, because every time it's just a total, unmitigated disaster. Yeah, it's never good. Yeah, it always goes right into the life maker. You know, having a girl has made me look at vaginas in a different way. Yeah, just because they're so close to the poop hole. Yeah, oh, yeah, and not that adult women are shitting in their pants. No, but it just all is everywhere.

Speaker 1: 8:13

I was telling somebody the front to back joke, yeah, great joke. And they said I go. It was a couple friend friends of mine who were a couple. Yeah, and they go, I go back to front and I went what are you doing? Are you pulling, pulling the wool over my eyes? You know? You think I just fell off the turnip truck. What is this? They don't know. I'm dead serious. Like I didn't learn to do it. I'm like that is an insane behavior you taught them. You're like what are you talking? And they go no, I mean, and the chick was like I've never had an infection, I take. I mean like yeah, and the guy was like, yeah, I just never.

Speaker 1: 8:52

I'm like that's, why would you wipe towards the city? You wipe away into the field, you just away from the. Why would you wipe towards the thing? Yeah, the action. That's absolutely insane behavior. They're back to front, they're back to fronters. I don't like it. No, but then they got me on something.

Speaker 1: 9:09

Do you wash your legs? Yeah, really. Scrub my legs, yeah, yeah, wow, yeah, all right, I don't. Okay, I stand up when I wipe my ass. I know, I've known, I've known folks who do that. Yeah, I don't, I don't understand this whole. Like lift one cheek, yeah, I lean to the side really, and just no, I don't see, that's a back to front right there. That's what I'm saying, like how you go, like that and yeah, just go like that. Oh no, I stand up. Yeah, I've stood up since I was a child. Yeah, a salute and then no, like you know, I I stand up and you don't have to show me, I get it. Just you a little to the side. Yeah, that's all.

Speaker 1: 9:46

Sometimes I take my pants off when I take a shit. That's got to be liberating. Yeah, that's why you got to take it off sometimes. Well, my favorite is when you know you're going to shower right after you just go in straight naked. Oh, no, I don't. Uh-uh, what do you mean? What do you mean? I'm not talking, I go. I go in the bathroom. Yeah, I'm like I'm going to shower, so I just go in completely naked, oh, naked. I said nothing about wiping, I'm just not wearing any clothes at all Into the shower. Yeah, of course I go take a shit. Yeah, I wipe my ass, I flush it down the toilet.

Speaker 1: 10:23

I thought you were giving me a revelation that sometimes you just don't wipe. Hey, you know what's the best when you skip wiping altogether and you just go in the shower and you just let the water gently wash it from your butt. No, that's insane. Okay, I thought you were for a little bit. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't you clean. Yeah, same dude For a long time. I didn't. No, you got to.

Speaker 1: 10:44

I had a girlfriend in college who was like did you just take a shit? And I was like and so that probably made you very self-conscious. Yeah, I was like oh shit, she can smell my shit. She's not happy about it. I got to make sure there's nothing in the chamber. She wasn't like what is this intoxicating aroma? She was like did you just take your shit? And I was like yeah, yeah, I stand up. I don't have. I. I say I'm afraid of the stand-up because I feel like sometimes if I stand up, the cheeks come together and then it makes a whole shit sandwich. Yeah, but you're still kind of like leaned over. You lean over. Yeah, I don't like stand up straight. Yeah, straight up, like straight up, and just like I have to pry your ass cheeks apart, putting a credit card through the fucking machine. Yeah, it's just a disaster. Oh, no, no, no, not that. Yeah, I lean, I lean to the side and I go, uh, front to back.

Speaker 1: 11:38

I had really bad smelling feet as a teenager. You didn't wash in my early 20s. Yeah, I don't know why, like I really really strong odor. Were you shitting on them? No, no, was not shitting on my my. Did somebody say something to you about it?

Speaker 1: 11:54

Yeah, so there was this time, uh, in my early 20s, yeah, this, uh girl that uh, oh, you're hooking up with a girl. I hooked up with the girl. She was 10 years older than me, dude, yeah, 10 years older, 10 years older. And uh, thank you. And I finally convinced her. Yeah, I was working on her for a while. Let me be inside your body, let me be inside your body. And she said you know what? I'll be over here in a little bit. So I'm cleaning up my shitty little house, yeah, my little apartment, uh-huh, my roommate's gone. She comes over, we do the deed, yeah, and she goes down on me right and I'm sitting on the couch and she, you know, she gets down off the couch and she's, you know, doing business. She's praying, she's praying, uh-huh. Yeah to the penis. God, the old, honest abe. Yeah, and, and, uh, and uh.

Speaker 1: 12:46

She didn't do it very long and she's like oh God, I just want you down. And she like jumped on me and we started having sex. Oh, fuck you. And then the next day she was like hey, you know why I didn't go down on you for a long time? And I was like why, cause you wanted me so bad. She's like exactly what you said. She said your feet smelled so bad. Wow, I couldn't be down there, like on my knees, yeah, because I was so close to your feet, huh. And I was like, wow, she still slept with you, though she still did like a trooper. That's pretty cool, but I was mortified. Did she know you were in the service? Were you at the service? No, I wasn't in the service.

Speaker 1: 13:25

This was like right around 9, 11. Okay, so she's like I'm gonna make a soldier out of this boy and from that moment I I don't think I've ever had smelly feet. Huh, yeah, no, it'll change it. It really fucked with me. Yeah, I was like it's the same thing. I was like, oh well, it's the negative impact of you. Know. It's like if somebody tells you you have shit breath, you go, oh man. It's the negative impact. It's like if somebody tells you you have shit breath, you go, oh man. It's the embarrassing early 20s which is like the worst time of your life as a man, because you're so dumb and you're in this big adult body and you're still just stupid, such an idiot.

Speaker 1: 13:55

Yeah, I was a manager at a telemarketing place and my manager pulled me aside one day and was like hey, your feet fucking stink. And my manager pulled me aside one day and was like hey, your feet fucking stink. She was like do you own any other clothes? Because I had to like dress up and wear like a button down shirt and khakis and I was a call center supervisor. Anyway, I was like, oh yeah, she's like, could you wear them? Or like I just noticed you wear the same outfit like every day. That's gross and it's kind of gross. And then she gave me a $50 bill and was like can you go buy some new clothes? Now? You upset me Like before work you know what I mean Before work tomorrow. I was so embarrassed and she was super hot, older lady, but I was just like so embarrassed and she was super hot, older lady, but I was just like so embarrassed.

Speaker 1: 14:47

You remember when you leave your clothes in the laundry too long and then if you leave them in the wash too long and they don't dry quick enough and then you get the sour shirt yeah, that happened to me once in middle school. I got the sour shirt. Oh no, that sour shirt, oh no, that was tough. Yeah, does that smell? No, I don't know. I also I also used to cause I'd have swim practice for school. Yeah, I would reek of chlorine. Oh, I bet. Yeah, like, absolutely Just have I reek of chlorine and chlorine smells like jizz, especially if it's like potent chlorine. Yeah, and especially if you jizzed on yourself before school, then you smell like jizz and chlorine. Yeah, just a lot of chlorine smell. Oh, yeah, just smell, oh, and like in your teenager. So sometimes you just sweat and it would just be like chlorine and sweat and just nexits and yeah, well, in high school I don't think we ever no one showered, no, and we all did pe not all of us, but like you have pe class, yeah, and then the next you just put other people in high school was very like nothing, yeah, but sometimes you sweat in middle school was a thing, and I remember, but that was when ax came out. So we were all, we were all doing ax. Yeah, have I told you my brute story? No, all right, this I'll make it quick, please.

Speaker 1: 16:14

So, uh, let's travel back to a freshman year in high school. What year is this? Uh, this is 1995. Uh, yes, good times. And uh, I was over at my best friend, john's house and we're all hanging out. It's on the weekend. I was spending the night. It's a good night. Oh, that's the best. A sleepover, sleepover, bro.

Speaker 1: 16:34

And then he had an older brother he still does, but an older brother named Kanan, and he's like Stifler. He was just an asshole to us all the time, would make shit up or would be mean, would do these things to us. I'm going to torture you. Yeah, he was in high school. He was like a senior. Oh, wow, no, we were still in eighth grade. He was a senior in high school. That's so interesting that you're like 17, 18 years old. You're like I'm going to fuck with these 14, 13, 14-year, and he loved it, yeah, so, anyway, we're hanging out.

Speaker 1: 17:05

It's a good day. It's been the night night and we want to. He's like hey, I'm going to go to Blockbuster and the dad was like bring John and his friend with you. You know they want to go get a movie, yeah. And he was like, god damn it. Like you know, he has to. Don't fucking fuck up my car, don't even look at me, don't even look at me. And he had two girls he was hanging out with that day Sick.

Speaker 1: 17:31

So right before this, before I know we're going to go, we're outside playing football, uh-huh, and I land in the biggest pile of shit. Dog of shit, dog shit, yeah, like I, I fucking just slide right into the dog shit like a shit and slide, yeah, shit, and slide right on my knee and it's a big old shit stain on my knee, yeah, and uh, they're like hey, we're about to leave. Do you try hosing it off? Yeah, I tried to hose it off. I had some water, I was scrubbing it, yeah, getting it on your hands, yeah. And then in the bathroom there was a bottle of brute nice, and you know the smell of Brut. Yeah, it's pretty strong. Oh, it's a great scent. It's a good scent, though it's an old school scent. I took that bottle and I just fucking poured it on my fucking knee.

Speaker 1: 18:14

So we're going to Blockbuster and we're in the back of the Saab, this little car. Love Saabs, it's's great car, born from jets, he loved this car, yeah, you know. And uh, he had these two hot teenage girls. You know, because I'm you know we're fucking 12, 13, yeah. And uh, he hits the brake and goes what the fuck smells like shit and brute.

Speaker 1: 18:40

And the girls are like, oh, my god, I smell it and I'm like, oh, you didn't pull a fast one. You're like what the hell? Yeah, I was like no, I did. I was like what the fuck is that? And john's like it's your fucking knee, dude. Yeah, look. And he pointed and he knew but he had to call me out because their girls were in there. Yeah, he's like, look at his knee. And all the girls looked over and there's big old doo-doo stain on my knee. Yeah, just just brown. And they were like get him out of here. And he kicked us out of his car.

Speaker 1: 19:07

And it was like a Friday night at like 10 pm. Yeah, just out in the middle of the street. He just kicked us out Out in the street, yeah, and he was like, oh man, you fucked it up for me. My best friend. He was. I'm sorry, dude, I'm sorry, I was diving for the football. Yeah, he's like why'd you grab all that brute? I was like I thought I'd get rid of the smell.

Speaker 1: 19:27

Gasoline, dude, always use gasoline. Gasoline probably would have done it. It would have done it just fine. Yeah, chicks would have been on to you. They would have been like, oh, you're pretty. They would have loved it. Like, ooh, to tell these stories. Would I ever tell you?

Speaker 1: 19:42

There was a basketball camp I went to. I forget who the player was. It was like some lower tier NBA player and he had a basketball camp in my town and I saw my dad use deodorant and I was like that's pretty cool. And so before we were going to go to the camp, I was like I'm going to wear deodorant today like my dad and I just rubbed it all over my body. I took the stick and put it on my legs, I put it all over my arms, I put it on my neck and stuff like that. And I got in the car and I was like I'm going to be sick of basketball, diane, I'm going to smell good.

Speaker 1: 20:17

And I remember my dad driving and just being like what the hell is that smell? He's like it smells like my deodorant, but it's like Everywhere, everywhere. And I was like I put it on and he goes where, and I go my neck, my arms, my legs, you know where you put it normally and he just laughed at me and I was like what? And he goes, he just put it under your arms. I was like should I wash off? And he's like no, we're, we're on, we're no, we're gone. He's like that's just how, that's so funny. And so I was just this.

Speaker 1: 20:49

Yeah, I was just like a, just a very pungent little boy running around playing basketball. I, the worst is because there was dog shit everywhere. It seemed like when I was a kid and stepping in it and then going into school or something like that, and just having shit on your shoe the worst, oh yeah, and you can't get it off. I was just like, oh, I wish I could get rid of these shoes. Oh, dude, it was the worst. And then another funny smell thing I can't even remember now. God damn it.

Speaker 1: 21:19

Did I tell you I used to hang out with, like the black janitors at my school when I was in fifth grade. Yeah, I was really tight with them because I would get bullied. Yeah, I've said that before, right? Yeah, yeah, I think about them sometimes. Hell, yeah, I think about Preacher. He was the oldest one. That's sick dude. Yeah, dude, because nothing scares a little white bully more than a large black janitor having your back. You know what I miss.

Speaker 1: 21:49

You remember, like when you would buy the like 30, 40 cologne and it came in like a container of the gel and the never wash, never wore cologne, never wore cologne. No, that was a thing in our school. Like you, you know, tommy hill figure cologne, it was the 90s. Well, ck1, uh-huh. But it would come with you know the bullshit gift box stuff with like shampoo and conditioner, yeah, and it would come with body wash.

Speaker 1: 22:09

You were pretty cool in high school. I tried to be cool. I probably wasn't, but yeah, I was alright, I was the, you know, for high school in the 90s, you were. I was pretty cool for high school in the 90s, yeah, but the, it would always come with the body wash of your cologne. So it was pure like the strongest fucking smell ever. It's pure scent, yeah, pure scent, and you would only use it because you only have a little bottle. That's the power. You would only use it when you thought you were going to finger bang your girlfriend, yeah, and you would just fucking rub it all over. Oh, you're nuts. Oh yeah, wow, yeah, no, I never did anything like that. Oh yeah, you ever put deodorant on your happy trail? No, as a kid, no, I did. No, I thought that's what you did Like, put it a little right here, except that one time before basketball camp where I rubbed my dad's deodorant on my balls Made you feel like an idiot. Yeah, yeah, no, I never did.

Speaker 1: 23:03

I had gray hair because it was dead from the chlorine in high school, jesus Christ, and I constantly had dry skin. Oh, you had bad acne, well, and also from just the chemicals of the pool. Yeah, I'm honestly shocked. I had a child because the amount of chlorine I've just been in your body absorbed, yeah, yeah, I'm just, it's just, I'm, I'm, I was literally 50% pool chemicals back in the day and like like high grade YMCA. Oh yeah, like, like. Just grungy pool was built in the 60s. Find a pool like that anymore. That has like strong chlorine smell. It's so interesting. I went back to that pool, yeah, and it's like so much nicer now. It's like a salt water. Walls used to be like yellow and the ceiling was dark and it was dingy and like your eyes would burn.

Speaker 1: 24:00

I don't know why I was good at. I don't. Don't know why I did it. Put the children in here, yeah, all day and we're going to yell at them. Dude, I remember my swim coach threw a ladder at me. I wasn't trying hard enough, so you know those bulkhead ladders that people use to get out of the pool. He picked it up out and threw it at me.

Speaker 1: 24:17

Jesus, yeah, we had a in our school. We had a pool. We're like one of the only schools to have one. At our school we had a pool and we thought we were pretty cool. Yeah, that was a big deal for a high school to have a pool. Yeah, it was a huge deal. We had a lot of meets and everything. So in gym we were the first one in their state to be required to swim to graduate high school and it sucked. Yeah, it was tough. Swimming's not easy. No, no. But you know I'm really good. Ever since I was a kid, I can tread water like a motherfucker. You look like you could float. Yeah, oh yeah, but you're dense. So that's actually kind of surprising, because you're built a little bit like a boulder I can float all day long, really all day. Yeah, like I, I miss my calling.

Speaker 1: 25:03

And polo, water polo is a vicious sport. It's a terrifying sport. I don't know how people what people don't understand when they're watching it on live tv. There's a lot of stuff, most of the actions, it's under and it's under the water. They're never touching the the. I was friends with a bunch of like. Uh, they were like it's like these euro kids, yeah, like my best friend was greek and he was a big water polo player. Yeah, and they'd go to these tournaments and they'd play these like fucking um, albanian kids or these serbian kids or stuff like that. Yeah, and these kids were like they're like grabbing your balls, they're kicking you in the stomach, like they're. It's like it's a horrific sport. Yeah, I mean, what does the refs? Is there like one that just goes underwater all the time to go look at what's going on down there? Well, no, but what's interesting is I. It's funny.

Speaker 1: 25:51

All this this, all this stuff came back to me is my buddy. I was lifeguarding at a pool one summer. My buddy was uh, there was a water polo game going on. This same guy, my best friend growing up yeah, he was playing in it, it was like his club or whatever. And he was like watch this, this is going to be pretty crazy. And so he just swims over to the other team, like he just kind of swims over like he's injured, and he just gets out of the pool and walks up to one of the players and just punches the face Watch this. And then one of the coaches who ended up playing for the U S national team kid had a cannon, like he could huck a ball probably 80 miles an hour. Yeah, fucking flings the ball and it just misses my friend's head. And then he gets tackled by everybody in this whole.

Speaker 1: 26:43

Brawl broke out, the cops came and everything. Jesus, it was wild, but he was so casual but he's like, hey, watch this. And then he just swam over and it was a oh, he's injured, costas injured. And then he just got up and he had he's got like. You know those people who are like he's probably like six foot but he has the arms of a six, eight man, yeah, and just fucking punched a kid in the face. Jesus Christ, wild, it was so much. And I just sat there in the lifeguard stand just watch. The whole thing ours was.

Speaker 1: 27:11

We had a car wash near our school. That's where all the fights were. Oh nice, like in the bay of the car wash, so like it was a big deal whenever there was a fight and we'd all walk up to the car wash. Yeah, I remember there was a fight. I remember us all crowding around and watching it, yeah, and just being that's, that's pure, that's humanity right there, yeah, and it was too spazzy. It was too spazzy nerds. It wasn't like those are the ones that fight a lot. It was the best, yeah, and you go, oh, these people are, they're going for blood, they're crazy. Yeah, like they're scratching, they're gnarling, they're, yeah, grown wild haymakers, hell, yeah. Yeah, I remember I used to pick on and I didn't pick on him.

Speaker 1: 27:56

But there was this older kid than me, yeah, jeremy Finne, finnegan. Yeah, and he, uh, just a little irish kid, but it's tough, he's like two years older than me, yeah. And then he had a tall black kid he always hung out with, named jeremiah, uh, and I used to be like I used to call him a bug. I'd be like you, sure, a little bug, and then he would chase me but I was pretty quick so I'd run away. But then when jeremiah was around, I could not outrun jeremiah and jeremiah would like hold me down and kid would just like punch me a bunch of times in the back and kick me and then be like don't say that shit, like I I couldn't fight back. Yeah, no, I get it, I just curl up. I didn't.

Speaker 1: 28:36

I was in high school and middle school I didn't get in really any fights. No, I don't like fighting. Yeah, I was always get out of it. But I'd say shit to older kids. Oh, I talk shit and then, but then I'd run away. I thought that was funny. Oh yeah, because they'd start chasing you and you, you know you're running through the halls, people, you know papers are flying up and stuff and you're like you know, dude, the halls were crazy, halls were buses were truly wild.

Speaker 1: 29:03

I, I was never a bus kid. I was always nearby. I was the bus every morning and every day, every night, afternoon, oof. I remember one time our bus driver drove over like a boulder. Oh shit. And then you know that was it. Yeah, all right. Well, I was just like kind of sleeping and then, just because you don't it's so interesting you just send your kids off with this person you don't know who's dedicated their life to driving a public school bus.

Speaker 1: 29:28

Yeah, things didn't go as planned. You're like that's fine. Yeah, that's what that checks out. They're definitely good drivers. 45 children on that bus Okay, no seatbelts, all right, yeah, nothing bad. But everybody, most people, have respect for a school bus in the society. The minute that respect is lost for the school bus, yeah, I think that's when society really begins to crumble. I have faith in our society now because I still people. When that stop arm comes out, you still got it. Hell, yeah, yeah, this is a confession. This is interesting. This happened recently. This is about high school. Oh, uh, this is a confession. This is interesting. This happened recently. This is about high school. Oh, connecticut.

Speaker 1: 30:06

Me and Janet were up in Massachusetts, uh-huh, and one of my friends from high school, she also goes by the near town for Fourth of July. Yeah, it's weird because we're both from Colorado in Massachusetts. What are the odds? So we're like, hey, next time we're up there, let's, you know, come over, we'll have a couple of drinks. Yeah, and uh, she came over. We're all talking about high school. Well, me and her were. Well, our loved ones are, you know. Does she have a spouse? Yeah, she has a spouse. I had a spouse. They kind of just listened to our stories. Is this a swinging store? No, no, no, no, no, we're just telling stories and they're getting bored, but we're having a good time. And I was like, yeah, you know.

Speaker 1: 30:44

That kind of reminds me of that time when I made out with that girl from the rivalry school. She was the student body president of the other school. I met out with her at this party on New Year's Eve and she's like no, you didn't. I was like, yeah, oh, well, I did. And she's like, yeah, oh, I did. And she's like, no, you didn't, I was there. I was like, oh, yeah, you were there. But yeah, I totally made out with her. You guys all went to bed and we like made out all night, yeah, and she's like it was sick. She was like she was like one of my best friends I would have known you never did that.

Speaker 1: 31:19

I'm like, hold on, she literally calls her. Yeah, this girl. She's like I don't really remember. And I'm like what do you mean? You don't remember? Come on, this is Josh Bates. It's New Year's Eve. We're making out. Come on, we're tasting each other's lips. Yeah, what are you talking about? And she's like well, let me look. She's like I know this sounds crazy, but I still have my diaries. Yeah, let me go look and see what I said about you. Wow, this is getting deep. Yeah, she's, yeah.

Speaker 1: 31:47

So I was going into high school diaries off a phone call, off a phone call. The phone call itself is because I was hyping it up. I was like we definitely made out. We made out. Her tongue was in my mouth. I sucked her tongue, like I had blue balls, like I had a fucking, like we were rubbing up against each other the whole night the release of high school blue balls. So, yeah, she's looking and she's like yeah, it says he that like you tickled me, yeah, with my tongue and I'm like what I tickled you, yeah.

Speaker 1: 32:16

And she's like yeah, it doesn't really say like we made out. I, I think I would have said that uh-huh and I'm like we made out, yeah, what's the big deal? What's the big deal? Like we're, we're, this is 30 years ago. Yeah, we're not 30, but like 25 years ago, we're adults. We could say it yeah. And she's like I don't, I don't think we made out. And my friend was like told you. I know you didn't make out and I'm like I fucking made out with her. Yeah, still to this day she thinks we didn't make out. We made made out Evidence. My friend in a court of law, I know that journal is fucking me. This does not hold up. I don't like it.

Speaker 1: 32:50

You tickled her, you know that's. That's weird, that's cool. I'm like I tickled you, that's your move. That's not my memory. You said you were cool in high school. That's unraveling a little bit right now.

Speaker 1: 33:05

Yeah, it was just, but it was embarrassing. You come to school, you're like, hey, I was hanging out with Bethany and you're like I fucked her. And then years later comes out he's like no, he just painted my toenails, he just tickled me. He just tickled me, I was the tickler, yeah, and I was like, ah, fuck that girl. Yeah, no, he was sick, he had sex. I'm pretty sure you just tickled her. I think you just tickled me and then I asked you to leave and your feet really smelled.

Speaker 1: 33:31

What Same thing. What the same thing. It's sex where I come from. But, yeah, I'm still upset. That's embarrassing. Did your face get red?

Speaker 1: 33:41

Oh, yeah, I was very embarrassed and this is in front of my wife, yeah, and I'm like we definitely made out. Yeah, still to this day. Yeah, and you're getting agitated. That's tough. That's a tough situation to be in. That was a tough one. And now she thinks I was just making up a story and lying. Yeah, she's like Josh is a real fucking loser as an adult. Some big fucking tall tales, big fat lies, and no, I'd made out with her, all right. And then I was like we and we drank that night. Look, josh, no hold on 2025. I believe all woman, you tickled her.

Speaker 1: 34:18

I remember making out with her, yeah, yeah, oh, oh, yeah, give me some clues, give me some. Where, what do you mean? Where we were on the floor in the living room, all right, everyone else was in bed I like this and we were making out. Yeah, there was a little touching and, yeah, humping, groping on the outside of clothes, respectful, yeah. And then we went to sleep and that, respectful, yeah. And then we went to sleep and that was it checks out. And she's like, no, that didn't happen. And I know we drank a little bit, but there was no one drunk. Yeah, I'm upset about it. I get it. You should be upset. I am because it would be interesting if, like, I don't even know her name.

Speaker 1: 34:59

At that moment, like, your whole reality began began to unravel. You're like why is my name josh? Who am I? Who am I? What is? What is life? Am I married? Yeah, who are you? Like, josh, you're not married. You tickled janet once, what? No, I'm married, I have, I have three kids. It would be funny if you're like yeah, I tickled my wife too, and now we have two beautiful children. Yeah, I'm dude, I'm mad about this. I should have brought it up, because now I'm angry again. No, no, hey, it's okay, buddy, I know, I believe you. No, I believe you, I believe you. I have nothing to.

Speaker 1: 35:32

I'll tell you an embarrassing story, alright, so in eighth grade I hadn't kissed a girl yet. I really wanted to. I really, really wanted to. But I'm I'm very awkward.

Speaker 1: 35:43

Sure, I don't know, like you know my friends, he's like just you just go in and kiss them, like, and what do you do? I didn't even know how to approach or anything. Sure, so that summer we go and we visit like family, friends and stuff like that. Yeah, and I hang out with this girl, jen, your cousin, no, um, this girl, jen, your cousin, no, but I was like I'm going to try and kiss her and just could, never. It just never seemed like the moment was right. It just it would have felt weird and I didn't want that to be. You know, I would. I my face will get. I just didn't want to get embarrassed, yeah.

Speaker 1: 36:18

But I said to myself, I was like I'm going to tell everybody when I come back to school that I fucked her and she sucked my dick. What did you tell everybody? I was like how's your summer? I was like man, I fucking, I made out with this chick. He was sick, she's so she doesn't live here. But you know, and like, yeah, and I could.

Speaker 1: 36:38

And I was like, as I was saying, I was like dude, you're lying, like you're a loser. Yeah, my buddy like. I remember one of my buddies. He was like oh yeah, so that was pretty cool. Where did you guys do it? Stuff like that. I was like the beach, the perfect place to do it, perfect place to make out. He was like oh, you use tongue. I was like, oh, all the tongue. Oh, tons of tongue. He kept asking me questions. Oh, tons of tons. He kept asking me questions and like, over, like time, he's like it's like he's picking apart my story, yeah, and I finally I was just like dude, I didn't, I'm just, I just don't want to feel like a loser anymore. And he's like it's okay, buddy, but just don't lie about stuff like that. And I was like all right, and that moment, right there, I was like that was so humiliating, humiliating, bro. I will never Maybe. This is a ginger thing. Yeah, listen, I tickled her. No, no, no, no, no, I will go to the grave. Yeah, listen to this.

Speaker 1: 37:31

Freshman year, high school those should be the epitaph on your tombstone. I made out with her, I did. She was a student body president in 1999. And I made out with her, I did. No. Freshman year, first day of class. Freshman year uh-huh, I'm in a speech and debate, class first period, masturbates. My glasses are broke, right, can't see anybody.

Speaker 1: 37:54

Maria proctor, hottest girl on the planet. She was, uh, I had her on the podcast. I talked about her being super hot. Yeah, whatever, you're like, you were really hot. She was like, yeah, I know.

Speaker 1: 38:04

And then we talked about it for an hour and then I was like, all right, the little country, little life. Any pictures from back then shoebox any? Uh, that I can no longer. Look at. How come I never got to tickle you. Huh, what's that about? No, so, anyway.

Speaker 1: 38:17

So we're in this class. She's talking to me. I can't really tell I can't see her because I my glasses yeah, but you can smell her. Anyway, she's being very flirty with me. She's a senior, I'm a freshman, I'm a fucking nerd. She's the hottest girl on the planet. So she's got some issues. No, no, no, she's just being really nice and friendly. She's not hitting on me really hard. Well, flirty, she's just a flirty. That's what a guy assumes.

Speaker 1: 38:45

She was a yes, girl talks to him like she's flirting with me. She was like it's too bad, you're like 13, right, she's like 17, 18, yeah. And I said no, no, I'm not. She goes what do you mean? You're not? And I go I'm 14 or I'm 15 or something like that. Right, yeah, I said I think I said 15, I'm 22, I'm 27. I was like I'm 15 or something like that, right, yeah, I said I think I said 15, I'm 22, I'm 27. I was like I'm 15. And she goes you are, oh, well, that like what? Did you fail a grade? And I was like no, I didn't start school till I was six. It was, uh, cause my dad was in the.

Speaker 1: 39:18

So she was like, oh okay, nothing comes of it. Yeah, I live my life. Fuck, I live my life. Yeah, I start dating this other girl, valerie Mm-hmm. Everyone thinks I'm 15. Right, yeah, now she thinks I'm 16. Mm-hmm, and no, no, no, yeah.

Speaker 1: 39:34

She thinks I'm 16, and I have my driver's license, yeah, and I can't drive because I'm only fucking 14 or 15, yeah, and I say I'm 16, uh-huh, and she's 16, yeah, and she has her driver's license in her car, yeah, and she's like well, hey, can you move my car and move it over into the fucking, into the uh, driveway? Oh, wow, I was like, yeah, of course I can. Of course I drive. I've been driving forever. It was a stick. Ah, I didn't know how to fucking drive a stick. I didn't know how to drive a car. Yeah, I was gonna just hope I can just move. That's the hardest. Car to drive is a stick.

Speaker 1: 40:05

She thought I had a driver's license and I, you know, I don't have anything. That's pretty. I'm like there's something wrong with your car and she's like what, what do you mean? I was like something's fucked up and she didn't catch it. Anyway, we dated a long time. Yeah, okay, we break up. Uh-huh, really ugly breakup.

Speaker 1: 40:23

Yeah, she finds out from my mom like, by the way, I'm 13, dude, it was the biggest news in school. Like teachers would talk about how disappointed they were in me, like one of my, my science teacher wow, this is like baronic brainic or something like that. Yeah, she pulled me out after school. She was like, hey, I need to talk to you after class. I was like, yeah, she's like I'm not fucking you anymore. That's what it felt like, dude. She was like I'm so disappointed in you and I was like what are you talking about? She's like to lie to say you were a certain age or whatever. I was like, yeah, yeah, well, I wanted to fuck mallory panachnik or whatever. Dude, I was so mad. So I was like ostracized for a year. Yeah, I was the kid, I was the liar. Yeah, you had to go, you had to go into isolation. I had to go into isolation. So, with that being said, and earn your reputation back.

Speaker 1: 41:18

So tanya the girl from massachusetts about this, right? Yeah, and then it was over as a child. Oh, wow. And then now, 25 years later, it's come back to Bay. She's like oh, listen. This is the fucking liar, josh Bates. Oh my God, yeah, but it really happened.

Speaker 1: 41:35

I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm telling all of the well, I am totally telling the truth now, uh-huh. I'm telling all of the why, why I'm totally telling the truth now. What I'm getting at is how it made it even worse because she thought I was lying, yeah, and was like oh, this guy, I feel like this is when the government tells me aliens are real, and then I don't know what to believe. It was fuck. I'm frustrated right now.

Speaker 1: 42:00

You feel like you're in high school again. Yeah, like I just just I, I don't know. You just want people to know. Yeah, the real you. Tanya was cool as shit, though.

Speaker 1: 42:10

The girl that the thinks I'm lying about making out with her friend, yeah, made out with your friend, tanya. If you're hearing this episode, they didn't just tickle her. Yeah, I didn't just tickle her. Okay, god darn it, you tickled their tonsils with your tongue. I thought I'm stupid, I did. It's cool. Yeah, no, I, brother, dan, brother, I believe you. I just told you I lied about being fucking older. Yeah, and that sucked. Yeah, I believe you. Oh, damn, that sucks so bad. Yeah, believe you oh, that was bad. I, oh, god damn it. Oh, yeah, you're feeling all those feelings. Yeah, they're all coming back right now. Yeah, it sucks.

Speaker 1: 42:51

I hated telling that eighth grade story. No, it's the worst. But you know what? We need to go home. We need to take care of our families. More importantly, yeah, take care of our families, yeah. More importantly, yeah, we're, we're dude, we're so responsible. We can't take care of our families unless we take care of ourselves.

Speaker 1: 43:11

Sorry, this is a short one, but hey, you know we probably did about two hours. This content was better than anything that we did earlier. So if you thought this was bad, oh, I don't know, you're like, no, this is pretty shitty. No, it was all right. I'm saying it was really bad earlier. No, if you think this was bad, it was much worse, no, it was good. You, gwr gwr yeah, gwr gwr. Guinea whoppers hey, if you're listening, studio body president from harrison high school we, we fucking made out I don't care what your diary says like, how did you not put it in your diary? Oh, hey, by the way, it was new year's eve, 1990. No, it was 19, 1999, the last year of the decade, and you decide not to put it in your journal that you made out with josh bates the fuck. Thank you.